Various

“ Those Goths and Vandals, the Members of the Corporation of the City of London, will remove it, unless you intervene. This beautiful work of Art, that stands on the supposed site of the mythical Temple Bar, is to come down. What would our ancestors say if they were here? Would they not frown at their degenerate descendants? Every student of history knows that this Griffin was put up by universal consent, and considered one of the finest works of art of the nineteenth century. ”

“ Are not some of your happiest memories, and your most delightful anticipations, bound up with the mid-day meal, at which the anxieties and disappointments of the morning, the birds you missed, the birds that, though they got up in front of you, were shot by your jealous neighbour, the wiped-eyes, the hands torn in the thorn-bushes, at which, as I say, all these are forgotten, when you lay aside your gun, and sit down to your short repose. ”

“ This horrible picture of rural depravity will cause an animated discussion. When it is over, you can say, "This is the very best Irish-stew I've ever tasted. I must get your cook to give me the receipt."
"Ah, my boy," says CHALMERS, "you'll find there's nothing like a stew out shooting."
"Of course," you say, "nothing can beat it, if you've got a nice room to eat it in, and aren't pressed for time; but, if you've got no end of ground to cover, and not much time to do it in, I can always manage to do myself on a scrap of anything handy. ”

“ You may be right, or you may be wrong. Speaking for myself, I am inclined to fancy that the men are making a mistake; but you can't always consider yourself omniscient."
"Sergeant," returned the officer, harshly; "it is not the business of men to argue, but to obey."
"Pardon me again, Sir, but isn't that slightly old-fashioned? I know that theoretically you have reason on your side; but then in these days of the latter end of the nineteenth century, we must not he bound too tightly to precedent." ”

“ CURRAN, the celebrated Irish Patriot, was a man of intense wit and humour. On one occasion he was discussing with RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN the possibility of combining the interests of the two countries under one Crown. "It is a difficult matter to arrange," observed the brilliant author of the School for Scandal, "Right you are, darlint," acquiesced CURRAN, with the least taste of a brogue. "But where are ye to find the spalpeens for it? Ye may wake so poor a creature as a sow, but it takes a real gintleman to raise the rint!" ”

“ Next week takes us to Gatwick and Sandown— (or rather the train takes us—another absurd expression) —the last day of the latter Meeting being devoted to "Jumping Races," which is the contemptuous way some people speak of the winter branch of our National Sport!—forgetting that it demands the two most desirable qualities in a horse, speed and endurance—whereas the modern flat-racing has degenerated, for the most part, into scrambles and gambles, where speed is the only requisite!—but more of this anon—but not anonymous, as I believe in signed articles, as the apprentice said! ”

“ Thus encouraged, the Company dismissed without further word of command.
"And who may you be?" asked the Captain, with some bitterness. "Are you the Commander-in-Chief?"
"I am one infinitely more powerful," was the reply. And then the speaker threw off his disguise-cloak, and appeared in morning-dress. "Behold in me the Editor of an influential Journal!"
A week later the Captain had sent in his papers, and every man in the Company he had once commanded wore the stripe of a Lance Corporal. And thus was the power of the Press once again sufficiently vindicated. ”

“ THE GREAT UNKNOWN.
[The Rev. Dr. SMYTHE PALMER, of Trinity College, Dublin, has just compiled a Book of Extracts, entitled The Perfect Gentleman.]
A Gentleman must be liberal, not to say lavish, to servants, porters, gamekeepers, and others, or he is "no gent." At the same time the Perfect Gentleman is never extravagant.
He must not work. At the same time he must not be an idler.
He is known by his scrupulous attention to the minutiæ of personal appearance, while "despising all outside show."
The Perfect Gentleman "never wilfully hurts anybody." ”

“ One of the most beautiful erections of the nineteenth century (the old South Kensington Railway Station of the District Railway) is to be removed! Instead of the picturesque iron roof, we are to have some abomination in stone! Can this be? It is said to be falling to pieces under the ravages of Time. ”

“ Comic business, during which every reference to "cold pudden" (and there are several) is received with roars of laughter. WILLIAM CORDER, on the ingenious plea that he wishes to take some flowers up to London, borrows a spade and pickaxe from TIM, to whom it appears he owes ninepence, which he promises—like the villain he is—to repay "the very next time he sees him in Church." ”

“ I hear there was a "ton of money" for the winner just before the start, but I did not see anyone carrying it about, so I suppose it was what they call "covering money," which, I presume, is covered over for safety, as it would be risky to walk about a race-course with a ton of loose money—not that I suppose anyone who goes racing would touch it, but it might be lost! ”

“ After some pleading from MARIA, a desperate struggle takes place—that is, they catch one another's wrists, and walk up and down together. MARIA calls upon her Mother's spirit, whereupon a very youthful Angel is seen floating above the couple.
The Female S. (triumphantly) . Theer now—theer ain't bin no murder yet, and theer's th' Gho-ast sure enough!
Swain (who is not going to own that he is mistaken) . ”

“ Then after you've exhausted the cow, milked her dry, so to speak, you can take a turn at the engravings, and make a sly hit at the taste in art generated by modern education. Hereupon, someone is dead certain to chime in with the veteran grumble about farmers who educate their children above their station by allowing their daughters to learn to play the piano, and their sons to acquire the rudiments of Latin: "Give you my word of honour, the farmers' daughters about my uncle's place, get their dresses made by my aunt's dressmaker, and thump out old WAGNER all day long." ”

“ I 'ave slain the only woman who ever truly loved me; and I know not whether I loved her most while living, or hate her most now she's dead! (The Curtain falls, leaving WILLIAM with this nice point still unsolved, and the Audience profoundly unmoved by the tragedy, and evidently longing for more of the Comic Countryman.) ”

“ Warlock's "Celebrated Ghost-Exhibition and Deceptio Visus" has pitched its tent for the night on a Village Green, and the thrilling Drama of "Maria Martin, or, The Murder in the Red Barn, in three long Acts, with unrivalled Spectral Effects and Illusions," is about to begin. The Dramatis Personæ are on the platform outside ”

“ He must be sufficiently wealthy to keep up a good position, while recognising the fact that money has nothing to do with true gentility.
He should also try and remember that no such jumble of contradictions as the Perfect Gentleman ever existed. ”

“ You will allow the men to go to their quarters at once, that they may state their grievances on paper. They are at perfect liberty to write what they please, and they may rest assured that their communications will escape the grave of the waste-paper basket. ”

“ He is always perfectly open and frank. He is also sufficiently artful to conceal the fact that he considers the person he is talking to a mixture of a snob and a blockhead.
When his favourite corn is trodden on by a weighty stranger, he never utters any expression stronger than "Dear me!" ”

“ For confirmation of this I refer the sceptical to my last week's letter, in which I stated that in dreaming of the race I dreamt that "Burnaby came to the rescue"—and if this is not giving the winner, I should like to know what is! It is true I made Brandy my "verse selection," but that would only mislead the people who go no further than the surface (not of the brandy) , as anyone who gave the matter a moment's thought would realise that Brandy is always applied after a rescue! ”

“ Since then, I have married a young, rich, and beautiful wife—and yet I am not 'appy.
[Enter Old MARTIN, who, by the simple method of changing his hat and coat, has now become a Bow-street Officer; he puts questions to WILLIAM, who at once betrays himself, and [pg 185] has to be searched. As a pair of pistols exactly resembling one that was left in the Red Barn, are found in his coat-tail pockets; his guilt is conclusively proved, and he is led away. ”

“ Maria (coming out of Cottage, and speaking in an inaudible tone) . At last—WILLIAM CORDER—to make me his wife—I know not why—strange misgiving 'as come over me.
"They catch one another's wrists, and walk up and down together." ”

“ ACT III.—Interior of Old MARTIN's Cottage. He attempts to forget his anxiety about his daughter—who he fears, with only too much reason, has come to an untimely end—by going to sleep in a highly uncomfortable position on a kitchen-chair. The Murder is re-enacted in a vision, in dumb-show. The form of MARIA appears in the tweed suit, and urges him to search for her remains in the Red Barn. ”

“ At Newgate one day he met a well-known forger, and asked him "What he was in for?" "For the same reason that you are out," was the smart, but uncourteous reply.
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE ENGLISH POLICE. (Freely Adapted from the Irish Rules.)
1. Constables who are required to interfere in a street-row must have fourteen days' notice before they can be expected on the spot of the disturbance.
2. Policemen will parade the streets from 12 A.M. to 4 P.M., but will make themselves scarce in the event of meeting a party procession, or noticing the holding of a public demonstration. ”

“ All the conversation which may have been broken in upon during the morning by the necessity for posting yourself at the hot corner, or the grassy ride, or in the butt, or for polishing off a right and left of partridges, can then flow free and uninterrupted. ”

“ And with this the Drama comes to an end, and the Comic Countryman begs the Audience to give the performance a good word to their friends outside.
BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR.
SCENE—Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.
Brown. ”