Various

“ The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is beginning to flag—when the car is boarded by a stalwart good-looking man, carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather shoulder-belt with "GREEN the Guide" in brass letters upon it; the Elderly Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome him with effusion, while the Younger Men appear to resent his appearance. ”

“ And you expect to be paid, as if you were a tradesman—a Tailor or an Upholsterer!"
"But am I not a man and a brother? Do I not get hungry, like anyone else? Have I not a wife and family?"
"That is entirely beside the question," persisted the Critic. "All you have to consider are the claims of Art. Now, Art is not to be served by paid votaries."
"Then I suppose am unworthy," replied the Author, mournfully shaking his head. Well, let us exchange places. You shall be the Author, and I will be the Critic." ”

“ GREEN the Guide gave us, "Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep," in first-rate style—he is a singer, and no mistake!
His Wife. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to sing—I'd ha' stayed too! But here he is, waiting by the road for us—I do hope he's going to sing again!
Green the G. (mounting the car) . I fear I am an unwelcome visitor.
The Eld. G. (graciously) . It would be the first time in your life then, GREEN!
G. the G. Well, the fact is, I come to levy a little contribution on behalf of myself and the Coachman. Times are hard, Gentlemen, and both of us have large families to support. ”

“ Only, above all things, be careful not to mention drams in connection with anything but black powder, nor grains, except with reference to Schultze or E.C. A laboriously-acquired reputation as a scientific shot has been known to be ruined by a want of clearness on this important point.
"Shot." Conversationally much more valuable than powder. "Very few people agree," says a well-known authority; "as to what is the best size of shot to use, and many forget that the charge which will suit one gun, and one description of game, will not do as well for another. ”

“ On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with a stouter Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple of young "Shop-ladies"; a Morose Young Man, who has "got out of bed the wrong side" that morning, and another, who has begun his potations rather early, and is in the muzzily talkative mood. The Car is one of a long string of similar vehicles, and is proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the winding roads. ”

“ Every patriotic travelling Englishman must be delighted to think that some few centuries ago we gave up Calais. Had it been nowadays in English hands, why it might even now be possessed of a "Refreshment Room" no better than—any on our side of the Channel, for there is no necessity to particularise. From Dover to Calais is the shortest and best restorative'd route for the traveller, whether ill or well, at sea. ”

“ First, you can begin to fight the battle of the powders, as thus:—
"What powder are you shooting with this year, CHALMERS?"
"Schultze."
"How do you find it kill?"
"Deadly—absolutely-deadly: best lot I've ever had."
You need not say anything more now. The discussion will get along beautifully without you, for you will have drawn, (1) , the man who very much prefers E.C., which he warrants to kill at a distance no other powder can attain to; (2) , the man who uses E.C. or Schultze for his right barrel, and always puts a black-powder cartridge into his left ”

“ The book gives clear glimpses of men and times which, less than half a century dead, will never live again. It pleasantly testifies that, though no man may be a hero to his valet, Lord GEORGE BENTINCK remains one in the eyes of his trainer. ”

“ In the Second Act, the mechanical change from the exterior of Haddon Hall to the interior, must be reckoned as among the most effective transformations ever seen on any stage. It would be still more so if the time occupied in making it were reduced one-half, and the storm in the orchestra, and the lightning seen through black gauze on stage were omitted. The lightning frightens nobody, only amuses a few, and in itself is no very great attraction. Even if these flashes were a very striking performance; no danger to the audience need be apprehended from it, seeing that Mr. ”

“ G. the G. The soil of Jersey is remarkably productive; if you plant a sixpence, it will come up a shilling in no time. The cabbages on this island grow to an extraordinary height, frequently attaining twenty feet— (outcry) —yes, if you measure up one side, and down the other. (They pass a couple of sheep on a slope.) The finest flock of sheep in the island. The dark one is not black, only a little sunburnt. ”

“ One caper we 'ad, on the lawn, wos a spree and no error, old man.
They call it a "Soap-Bubble Tournyment." Soapsuds, a pipe, and a fan,
Four six—foot posts stuck in the ground with a tape run around—them's the "props,"
And lawn-tennis ain't in it for larks. Oh, the ladies did larf, though tip-tops!
Bit sniffy fust off. "Oh!" sez they, "wot a most hintellectual game!"
But I noticed that them as sneered most wos most anxious to win, all the same,
The gent he stands slap in the middle, and tries to blow bubbles like fun,
Wich his pardner fans over the tape ”

“ Usually, one gun will shoot better one size of shot than will another, and we may safely say, that large bores shoot large shot better than do smaller bores." This last sentence has the beautiful ring of a profound truism. Lay it by for use, and bring it out with emphasis in the midst of such disagreement and forgetfulness as are here alluded to. "If a shooter is a good shot," says the same classic, "he may use No. 6 early in the season, and only for partridges—afterwards, nothing but No. 5. To the average shot, No. ”

“ Well, ere's bully for Brimstone, my bloater, and 'ooray for 'Arrygate air!
Wich 'as done me most good I don't know, and I'm scorched if I very much care!
I know 'Arrygate girls cop the biscuit for beauty. They've cheeks like the rose,
Their skin is jest strorberries and cream; it's the sulphur, dear boy, I suppose.
As for me, I look yaller as taller alongside 'em CHARLIE, wus luck!
I 'eard one call me saffron-faced sparrer, and jest as I thought 'er fair struck.
I'd nail 'em, in time, I've no doubt, when I once got the 'ang of their style.
There's a gal at the Montpellier Baths. Scissoree! ”

“ That afternoon there was peace in the world of birds—at least, on that particular shooting—and the next morning saw the shooting-parties of England reduced by one, which had separated in different dog-carts, and various stages of high dudgeon, for the railway station. So, please to be very, very careful. Use the methods of compromise. If you find your friend obstinately pinned to No. 5, when you have declared a preference for No. 6, meet him half-way, or even profess to be converted by his arguments. Or tell him the anecdote about the Irishman, who always shot snipe with No. ”

“ C.'s high position as a statesman and orator. Went out in a Bath-chair. Five minutes after starting, man said he was not accustomed to drag so heavy an invalid, and must rest a little. Tried a speech—my maiden one—on the Disadvantages of Bodily Exercise. He listened respectfully, and, when at last I had finished, said he quite agreed with me, and that the fare was seven shillings.
Tuesday.—Have decided that exercise in a Bath-chair is quite superfluous. Resolved to take exercise, for the future, in a hammock, just outside the garden-door. Must practise speech-making to the gardener. ”

“ G. the G. Depends how far you are accustomed to it as a beverage, Sir. (The car stops at an hotel.) We stop here two hours, Ladies and Gentlemen, to enable you to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards. You can leave anything you like on the cars except five-pound notes—and they might get blown away! ”

“ Inter alia the Chairman said, that "the Waltham Well is a complete success." Ergo let Well alone. That from this source they still supplied "36 gallons per head." The heads must be uncommonly hard to stand all this water on the brain. A dividend of eight per cent. is, after all, a very pleasant draught.
[pg 172]
"GREEN THE GUIDE." (A Sketch on a "Royal Blue" Car at Jersey.) ”

“ Of the race between Big BULL and Little FROGGIE.
BULL's fame, in a boat, seems all gammon and spinach.
Heigho for British Rowing!
LOOKING AHEAD.
Miss Golightly (the Friend of the Family, and to whom Sir Percy (the elder) has proposed) . "OF COURSE I'M AWFULLY OBLIGED, SIR PERCY—BUT, SAY NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME DANGER OF MY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR ELDEST SON?"
MR. CHAUNCEY DEPEW, the well-known American lawyer, wonders why on earth the British Government has not long ago given Home Rule to Ireland. He encourages Mr. ”

“ Had Sir ARTHUR written the music for The Mountebanks, and Sir BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT the book of Haddon Hall, both might have been big successes So, however, it was not to be, and Sir ARTHUR chose this book by Mr. GRUNDY, which labours under the disadvantages of being original, and of not owing almost everything to a French source. It isn't every day of the week that Mr. ”