Various

“ In the first place there are no Examinations to bar the way, and your ordinary Undergraduate loathes an Examination as a rat may be supposed to loathe a terrier. What can be easier—in imagination—than to dash off a leading article, a biting society sketch, a scathing review, to overturn ancient idols, to inaugurate movements, to plan out policies? All this GRUBLET was confident of being able to do, and he determined, on the strength of a few successful College Essays, and a reputation for smartness, acquired at the expense of his dwindling circle of intimates, to do it. ”

“ All the little tricks of the great man's humour were reproduced and defaced, the clear stream of his sentences was diverted into muddy channels, the airy creatures of his imagination were weighted with lead and made to perform hideous antics. Never had there been so riotous a jargon of distorted affectation and ponderous balderdash. Smartness—of a sort—these gentlemen, no doubt, possessed. It is easy to be accounted smart in a certain circle, if only you succeed in being insolent. ”

“ How in the world can even you, oh respected SWAGGER, have derived any pleasure from witnessing the performances that GRUBLET went through, after you had persuaded him that he was a man of some importance? ”

“ G. to a Welsh audience, "I might as well address the top of Snowdon on the subject of the Establishment, as address you on the matter." Flattery! The top of Snowdon, of course, represented the highest intelligence in Wales.
"I pity the poor Investors!" ”

“ But way-oh, CHARLIE! 'Arrygate isn't all jam.
Me jolly? Well, mate, if you arsk me, I carn't 'ardly say as I ham.
To spread myself out with the toppers is proper, no doubt, bonny boy;
But—I wish it wos Brighton, or Margit, or somewheres a chap could enjoy.
Oh, them "Waters," old man!!! ”

“ GLADSTONE, in speaking to an audience at Barmouth, made the following remarks. He said—He belonged to almost every part of the country. A Scotchman by blood, born in Lancashire, and resident in London, he had become closely attached to Wales by marriage, and had now become too old to get rid of that inclination. Surely these admissions conjure up the possibility of a really excellent entertainment. To show you what I mean, I jot down, in dramatic form, my notion of the manner in which the PREMIER's excellent idea should be worked out:—
SCENE—A large hall, with a platform. ”

“ It is just as easy to say "Journalism," in answer to the stock question, as it is to deliver yourself over, by anticipation, to the Bar, the Church, or the Stock Exchange. Hundreds of young men at both our ancient Universities look upon Journalism as the easiest and most attractive of all the professions. ”

“ It's ma opinion that you'll just hear a wee bit about Home Rule for Bonnie Scotland. Well, ye ken— (Airs his opinions upon his chosen subject in broad Scotch. After a quarter of an hour he re-appears, and receives the usual applause.) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And now as I have shown you Scotland and England, I think you would be pleased with a glimpse of London. (Cheers.) You all like London, do you not? (Applause.) With your kind permission, I will re-appear as a noted character in the great tragic comedy of the world's Metropolis. ”

“ We're no more like NELSON than I to a Merman;
We can sell his flag-ship for firewood, to the German!
Sounds nice, does it not? If that great one-armed Shade
Could look down on the bargain he'd—swear, I'm afraid
(If his death-purged bold spirit held yet ought of earth) .
And I fancy 'twill move the gay Frenchman to mirth
To hear this last story of shop-keeping JOHN—
Or his huckster officials. The Frenchman, the Don,
The Dutchman, all foes we have licked,—may wax bold
When they hear that the brave old Foudroyant is—Sold!!! ”

“ The Cave of Adullam could not have been more abundantly stocked with discontent. It is the custom of the ratés everywhere to attempt to prevent, or, if that be impossible, to decry success in others, in order to exalt themselves. ”

“ The action of knocking a man over is hasty, and may be indefensible. But if the Hammersmith Cabman had just grounds for belief that the man was "selling watercresses with fatal results," he should rather be commended than committed for trial. ”

“ S'elp me never! yer don't kow wot nastyness is
Till you've tried "Sulphur 'ot and strong," fasting. The Kissing Gin, taken a-fizz,
Isn't wus than ditch-water and sherbet; but Sulphur!!! It's eased my game leg;
But I go with my heart in my mouth, and I feel like a blooming bad hegg.
B-r-r-r-r! Beastliness isn't the word, CHARLIE. Language seems out of it, slap.
When I took my fust twelve ounces 'ot, from a gal with a snowy white cap,
And cheeks like a blush-rose for bloominess—well, I'm a gent, but, yah-hah!
I jest did a guy at the double, without even nodding ta-ta! ”

“ At the nape of yer neck, while a feller in front squirts yer down with a 'ose.
He slaps you as though you wos batter, he kneads you as if you wos dough,
And gives yer wot for on the spine, till you git in a doose of a glow.
Then you're popped in a big iron cage, where the 'ose plays upon you like fun ”

“ I've sampled the lot, my dear CHARLIE, Strong Sulphur and Mild, Cold and 'Ot;
And all I can say is, the jossers who say it ain't beastly talk rot.
You jest fox their faces! They enters, looks round, gives a shy sort of sniff,
Seem to contemplate doing a guy, brace their legs, keep their hupper lips stiff ”

“ September 24, 1892.
[pg 133]
'ARRY AT 'ARRYGATE.
DEAR CHARLIE,—Rum mix this 'ere world is, yer never know wot'll come next!
Don't emagine I've sent yer a sermon, and treacle this out as my text;
But really life's turn-ups are twisters. You lay out for larks, 'ealth, and tin,
But whenever you think it's "a moral," that crock, "Unexpected," romps in. ”