Various

“ Isn't a Music Hall a place of entertainment? You've plenty of them where you come from, haven't you? They wouldn't be filled night after night, as I'm given to understand they are, if they didn't succeed in entertaining, would they, now?"
Mr. Punch felt a natural reluctance to betray the weak points of any terrestrial institution.
"Oh, our Music Halls? they are perfection, of course," he said. "The entertainments there are distinguished by humour of the most refined and intellectual order. ”

“ It is, at this time of day, to the interest of no one that litigation should cease, and so the Chancery suit, in which we are all concerned, is likely to go on for ever."
"But, surely litigation is expensive?" suggested Mr. Punch.
"I should rather think it was," returned the wig-wearer. "The Law is a noble profession, and it is only right and proper that those who indulge in it should pay for it. ”

“ As a matter of fact, I've always been treated badly, from the day when Jupiter dethroned me to that when, the Grand Old Man—who ought to have had more sympathy with me—banished hither the strife-engendering Pedant's hotch-potch called Political Economy."
"Be comforted, Saturn, old boy—I am here!" cried Mr. Punch. "I am 'personally conducting' Father TIME in a tour of the Planets. Let's have a look round your realm!"
Mr. Punch sums up much of what he saw in modern "Saturnian Verses." ”

“ Punch. "They are allowed to marry; but only the wisest and noblest men may approach them. On earth their will is free, and sometimes, alas, they fall away from righteousness, and pass through bitter tribulation."
"Yes," said the Fleet Street Sage, "We call it the Divorce Court—your Majesty will pardon the rough speech of an old man—and, somehow, we don't seem able to get on without it. But here, of course, you have no such institution?" ”

“ Punch an elaborate price-list as he concluded his self-condemnatory verse with an obsequious bow.
"Come," said Mr. Punch, once more taking hold of his aged companion's arm, without condescending to give the cheating tradesman any reply, "come—let us get out of this. 'Pon my word, I think we've almost had enough of Mercury!"
"Their morality does seem to have reached rather a low ebb, I must confess," replied Father TIME.
"Nothing like this on our Earth, anyhow," continued Mr. Punch, with a satisfied sigh of relief. "But come, we'll hear what the whole people say of themselves. ”

“ Punch; "he is just the person that a Music Hall audience idolises as their highest ideal of a man and gentleman—in Seriocomix."
"At least," said TIME, "you wouldn't stand such an outrageous cad as that in any of your Music Halls, I hope?"
A deeper tinge stole into Mr. Punch's already highly-coloured countenance. "Certainly not," he replied, with perhaps the slightest suspicion of a gulp. "Our 'Lion Comiques' are without exception, persons of culture and education, and, if they sing of love at all, it is only to treat the subject in a chaste and chivalrous spirit. ”

“ The stout puffy old fellow there is the wealthiest man in Jupiter. He floats mines, asteroid mines mostly, and makes it pay him. He can command the very best society. Those ladies clustering round the Prince-Royal come from over the ocean. Pretty, but twangy. A fresh consignment arrives every year. And the Prince-Royal has the pick of them."
But before Mr. Punch could finish his explanatory sketch, a tremendous uproar was heard in the court-yard of the Palace. There was a sound as of a huge mob shouting in unison, shots were heard, and cries of "Liberty for Ever:" vent the air. ”

“ Why, a modern girl will tyke you—yes, and only be too glad!"
As she carolled out this charming ditty in her thin high voice, TIME positively shivered in his stall, "Are all the girls like that in Seriocomix?" he moaned. "I trust not."
"It seems the fashion to assume so here, at any rate," said Mr. Punch, not without a hazy recollection of having heard very similar sentiments in Music Halls much nearer home than Seriocomix. "The young woman is probably an authority on the subject. Are you off already?" ”

“ I said; "we shall just find our house of Commons settling down to the business of the night. We begin about four o'clock in the afternoon, and peg away till any hour to-morrow morning that one or two Members please. It is true we have a rule which enjoins the suspension of business at midnight; but instead of suspending business we can (and do) suspend the Rule, and sometimes sit all night."
"Ah!" said Mr. Punch, gravely shaking his head, "we manage things much better than that at Westminster." ”

“ I said, as my esteemed master lightly skipped across the gangway, marshalling a well-grown youth carrying a scythe; "we don't have many visitors here. One who looked in the other day slipped his foot, fell over, and we've never seen him since. Listening intently, watch in hand, we heard a slight thud, and have reason to believe he dropped on Jupiter. It was useful to us, seeing that, by use of a well-known formula, we were able to reckon our precise distance from that planet. ”

“ Can you recommend me to a publisher?"
"Ask my friend Archdeacon FARRAR," responded the Sage, drily. "What a work! And what a sensation! TALLEYRAND's long-talked-of 'Memoirs' not in it! Do you know, my dear TIME, I think you had better postpone the publication—for an æon or so at least. Your Magnum Opus might become a Scandalum Magnatum."
"Ah, perhaps so," replied TIME, with a sigh.
"Alone with the Stars," pursued Mr. Punch, meditatively. "Humph! The Solar System alone ought to provide you with plenty of company." ”

“ Men were ruffianly enough years ago in the country we have left, but they were men at any rate. Here, they seem to be merely a pack of bloodthirsty molly-coddles, crossed with calculating rogues. The mob outside was better than this. But, thank Heaven, we have nothing like this in London."
And with that he and Father TIME walked gloomily from the hall, and found themselves once more in the street.
"What ho! my trusty Shooting Star," cried Mr. Punch. Whirr-r-r—
And in the thousandth part of a second they found themselves within measurable distance of TOBY's own Planet. ”

“ We manage things much better than that down in our tight little Earth. When we take that in turn, you will find, my good TIME, that we burrow at our legislative work through the Winter months, getting it done so as to leave us free to enjoy the country in the prime of Spring, and amid the wealth of Summer. ”

“ At this the mob unanimously burst into tears. They insisted on accompanying the deposed monarch to the station, the popular band playing "The Dead March in Saul." But the King remained calm, and marched on without swerving. At the station he took his seat silently in the Royal Balloon, a whistle was heard, and the car floated off into space.
"I cannot say I think much of all that," said Mr. Punch. "In our part of the Universe we generally manage to get a little more bloodshed out of it." ”

“ Don't you never spoon goddesses, CHARLIE; you'll find it a dashed sight too 'ot!
"Adonis!" she cried. "Nay, Actæon! And his shall be also thy fate.
There is Punch looking on, he'll approve!" And she jest set 'er dogs on me, straight!
"Way-oh! Miss DIANNER!" I yells. "No offence! Don't be 'ard on a bloke!
Beg yer pardon, I'm sure!" Here a hound nipped my calf like a vice, and—I woke.
Leastways, I persoom it wos waking, if 'tother was sleep and a dream,
But I feel a bit moon-struck, dear boy. Spooks abound, and things ain't what they seem.
Mister Punch sez, "it served me quite right." ”

“ The next place that the distinguished travellers visited was Uranus, where Mr. Punch and his companion were much surprised to find the entire population members of the legal profession.
"I have really no time to attend to you," said one of the inhabitants, when questioned. "I have an appointment before a Chief Clerk in Chancery of great importance—it is to decide whether some children shall be sent to school with money left to them by their grandfather, or if it shall be saved up until they come of age? ”

“ They pay him £1500 a-year to provide sport for Cockneys. The sport consists in letting a deer out of a cart and chasing him till he nearly dies of fatigue. Then they rope him and replace him in the cart. After that they all drain their flasks, and consider themselves sportsmen. Poor stuff, I think."
"Of course," said the Father, "you have nothing of that sort in England."
Mr. Punch was about to reply when a well-appointed four-in-hand drove up, and a courteous gentleman who handled the ribbons, offered the two strangers seats. ”

“ In his hand he held a curious black disc, with which he beat time to a ditty, of which Mr. Punch only succeeded in catching the following refrain:—
"Oh, I 'ave sech a w'y with the loydies! All the dorlins upon me are gorn!
For they soy—'Yn't he noice! you can tell by his vice,
He's a toff and a gentleman born!'"
And here the singer suddenly caused the black disc to expand with a faint report to a cylindrical form of head-dress, which he placed upon one side of his head, amidst thunders of approval. ”

“ These gentlemen are golfers. The sticks they carry are called clubs. That bearded old gentleman is the King of Jupiter, FOOZLER THE FIFTH. He is playing his morning round. I will introduce you."
So saying, the King of all Clubs advanced with the Scythe-holder, and, taking advantage of a moment when King FOOZLER, having made a long shot, was in good humour, rapidly effected the necessary presentation.
"I know this game well," said Mr. Punch. "It is said to be much played in my own country now. Permit me to have the honour of playing one hole against your Majesty." ”

“ Art does demand these sacrifices. You will observe that he represents another Music-Hall ideal—the hero who can absorb the largest known quantity of ardent spirits, and whose prowess has earned for him the proud title of the Boozer King. ”

“ Punch condoled with the son of Neptune, and asked what were the chief amusements in the planet.
"Well, badgering the Engineers is considered excellent sport—especially just now when their services are not absolutely required. We snub them and underpay them, we refuse them the rank due to them, and lead them a generally happy life! ”

“ Haven't you noticed that the entire population is concerned in one vast Chancery suit; consequently, on attaining majority, one man becomes a judge, another a barrister, a third a solicitor, and so on, and so on. ”

“ Mr. Punch reassured him. A moment afterwards the state-balloon of BARATARIA soared up to the platform, and a young man, gorgeously attired in the uniform of the Tenth (Jupiter's Own) Lancers, sprang lightly from it.
Loud pealed the loyal anthem, and rattled all the drums,
And, as the guard presented, the cry went up, "He comes!"
He steps upon the platform, and, while the plaudits ring,
A King hangs round an Emperor's neck, an Emperor hugs a King ”

“ Members evidently tired out; had crowded in to vote on the Pump-handle question; sat in serried rows during the squabbles of question-time; and as soon as business was actually reached, House swiftly emptied, leaving about a score of Members. TIME more than ever distracted. Mr. P. increasingly perky.
"Ho! ho!" he said, rubbing his hands, "I don't wonder at this Star going to the Dogs. Stop till you come over to Westminster, TIME, dear boy, and we'll show you how public business should be carried on." ”

“ Punch.
"That is so!" returned the young officer in American; "and why not? Besides I know French, Russian, German, and all the languages spoken on your little globe, to say nothing of the dialects used by those who inhabit the rest of the planets. It's our system. Nowadays, a man in the Service is expected to be up in everything. ”

“ He must master the higher branches of mathematics before he is considered fit to inspect the rear-rank of a company, and know the modern languages before he can be entrusted with the command of a left half-battalion. Here again we have the uniform of an officer in peace and war—swagger and gold lace on the one side, and stern simplicity and kharki on the other."
In another room Mr. Punch and Father TIME discovered that everyone was fast asleep. ”

“ They are worthy examples to all young people who are privileged to listen to their teachings."
"I wish you could send one or two out to Seriocomix, then, as missionaries," said TIME.
"I wish we could send them all," rejoined Mr. Punch, feelingly, and they went on to another Music Hall. Here TIME had no sooner perceived the artist who was upon the stage than he exclaimed indignantly, "Disgraceful, Sir. This man is in no condition to entertain a respectable audience—he is intoxicated, Sir—look at his tie!"
"I think not," said Mr. Punch, after observing him attentively through his opera-glass ”

“ Business Done.—Mr. Punch and another Stranger expelled from the Gallery, and TOBY's narrative completed.
VISIT TO VENUS.
The two Travellers made their way through space in silence, but on a sudden Father TIME plucked his conductor by the sleeve, and spoke.
"Sir," he said, "I perceive in the distance a wonderful light, and there is a sound of soft and beautiful music that attracts me strangely. Shall we approach the light, and listen more closely to these strains?"
"Have patience." replied the Sage. "The light and the music come from the planet Venus. Thither I am directing our course. ”

“ Put it hamorous like, with a wink, snugging up to the lady, I did;
For she'd found a weak spot in my 'art, this cold classical gal, and no kid.
I'd been 'aving a pull at my flask, up that tree, and her pluck and blue eyes
Made me feel a bit spoony; in fact I was mashed. But, O wot a surprise!
"Alarmed? about you, Sir! And why?" sez DIANNER, with eyes all aflash,
I sez, "Don't yer remember Adonis, love, Venus's boar-'unting mash?
No wonder the lady felt fainty like; fear for a sweetheart, yer see. ”

“ You insist on taking me into every Music Hall in Seriocomix, hey, you young dog, you! Well, well, Sir, I'm not so young as I used to be—but I'm as fond of a bit of good honest wholesome fun as ever I was. So lead on!"
They were in Seriocomix—a new and brilliant planet recently discovered by Mr. Punch—by the aid of WELLER's patent double-million gas-magnifying microscope (extra power) . This star, as all astronomers are by this time aware, is a howling waste of extraordinary density, and occupied entirely by Music Halls, which TIME, for some inexplicable reason, was desirous of visiting in Mr. ”

“ Well, I'll look up my engagements when I get home, and drop you a line."
"Do," said TIME—"mind you don't forget. I am sure we shall have capital fun."
"Oh, capital," replied Mr. Punch, hurriedly—"capital—but now for (excuse the paradox) the Land of the Sea."
And so again they started. But Mr. Punch's presentiment will turn out to be quite correct. He will be unfortunately engaged on Boxing Night, and so his tour of the terrestrial Music Halls with TIME will be postponed sine die.
[pg 26]
VISIT TO NEPTUNE.
In a very short time the two august travellers found themselves in Neptune. ”