Various

“ Why not look round the world, and give him the result of your journey in the Almanack? Let him be remembered in the future as commencing with the Christmas of the 'Extra Extra,' as I shall be recalled in the coming ages as the year in which the Punch Staff went to Paris."
"How is it to be done?" asked the Sage.
"How is it to be done?" echoed poor old Eighty-Nine. "Why you have only to wish, and it is done! You know that your wishes are those which must be obeyed."
So, to oblige the fast-fading year, Mr. Punch wished himself in France. There he was in a moment! ”

“ Punch wished himself in the Celestial Empire. And in China the Sage found himself. Pagodas and pigtails met him on every side.
"Really, not half bad," murmured the Sage, and then, turning to Toby, he was surprised to find his attached attendant trembling from the tail backwards. "Ah, I see: a Celestial restaurant! No, no, my boy, don't be alarmed. They shan't eat you. If I want any food, it shall be some light refreshment—say a Feast of Lanterns." ”

“ It had been buried in the land of the Assyrians, from whence had come a kindred spirit, the precursor of the Hibernian bull. That bull, which was in the changing seasons to cause roars of mighty merriment echoing into the far ages of the Future from the distant dimples of the Past. So, after their first surprise, they welcomed the gladsome Presence. They watched it as it jumped and leaped in the flood of liquid laughter. ”

“ Mr. Punch had expected to be carried into one of the courts of the Alhambra, but, in lieu of this, he found himself gazing at a lady, beautiful beyond compare. For a moment he was so lost in admiration, that he almost forgot himself, and was about to kiss her. ”

“ I know probability will take big bounds, and I'm a bit of a traveller myself, but your escape uninjured from that wild bird, and the escape also of Toby, who is not a sporting dog, is one of the strangest tales on record, by the side of which, perhaps, even the daring exploit, which I am now about to narrate as a plain unvarnished tale, may seem a mere ordinary, every-day occurrence. ”

“ Tell me that, O Strangers!"
"When it is an Egyptian potsherd," stealthily whispered Sillibilli.
"Begone, thou white headed old fool!" cried He-who-must-be-obeyed, angrily. "It is not the answer; and, if it were, who art thou to thus reply? Begone, thou feeble cry of a donkey long defunct!" The voice rose in its anger clear and cold, and the Writer and the Sketcher fancied they could see two gleaming eyes above the drapery. ”

“ Then Unredd and Spoylpaperos, feeling sure of the presence of two gleaming eyes above the beautiful red nose, turned sharply round and fled.
And they journeyed on and on, through the snow and the ice, until they came to the land of the desert, in which they found themselves (strange to say) in a warmer atmosphere than that to which they had grown accustomed in the regions of the North Pole. Then a strange thing happened. They witnessed a fight between an elephant and a cat. ”

“ Principal public duty of Treasurer, is to bring in gracious replies from the Throne to Addresses from faithful Commons. In his mind's eye, Sage saw himself in Windsor uniform, with gold stripe adown trouser-leg, leaning lightly on white wand of office, as he stood at the Bar of the House awaiting the Speaker's signal to bring up gracious reply. For a moment he faltered, but only for a moment. "No," he said, "England expects every man to do his duty, and Labby will not disappoint expectation;" ”

“ In all my life I never saw such a horrid boar! "At him, Yelpa!" I cried, giving at the same time my well-known whistle of attack. Yelpa cleared the ravine at a bound. Then followed an awful struggle. Swindlah below looked up in delight. "If the dog kills him, it's no bet!" he shouted.
"Come on, and kill him yourself, if you can!" I cried, putting Wheezer at the leap. My brave mare needed no spurs.
A HAZARDOUS LEAP!
At that moment Yelpa missed his footing and fell. In less than the 100th part of a second I had lassoed him round the collar, and saved my gallant and faithful friend ”

“ Smaller and smaller it grew, until it was nearly gone.
"I will not die!" came a cry. "Generations yet unborn shall hear me. Many shall think me good—many shall be amused. Oh—h—h!" and the Joke had fallen flat! They knew its real name, then—it was "Ded an-Gone, the Jest Departed." And now it was still!
And so were Unredd and Spoylpaperos. Alas! for their melancholy fate—they had died of laughter! They had their desert! ”

“ Swindlah had dared me to kill the Wild Hog alone: I had replied, "Yes, but it must be worth my while. So make it a bet, which will slay the beast, you or I, and I'm on. And the entire beast must be brought back as evidence. A leg, or a tusk, or an eye, or a bristle won't do. ”

“ House, going away late, returns little later. Very modest Ministerial Programme to commence with. How it has been carried out has been told from day to day with graphic minuteness and uncompromising fidelity by Mr. Punch's humble, but respected companion. "The Diary of Toby, M.P.," follows the British flag. It is read everywhere—by the pathless ice-floes of Canada, through the length of North and South America, in the cities of Australia, by the watch-fires of the Squatters, on Greenland's icy mountains, and eke on India's coral strand ”

“ Which, being made by Punch, the Friend of Man,
You may depend is "not without a plan."
Now for the rostrum! Follow my pointer, Toby, with thy recording pencil. Listen, O World, with ears attent, and eyes "sequacious of the—Truth-teller!" I speak urbi et orbi!
First, the newly-elected County Council, Ladies and Gentlemen! Ritchie's colossal Civic Symposium! "Ritchie's Folly," some hasty assayers of innovations may have been tempted to term it. But Punch is never hasty.
Macbeth at the Lyceum and Gladstone in Naples! Later on, "Macbeth" Irving visits the Queen—an honoured guest! ”

“ I was told as all the Swells dined at the top of the house; so hup stairs I went, and sat myself down at a large tabel, with about 30 Chineese Gents, all drest in their riduklus kostoom of Jackets and pettycotes. They all stared at me as if I was sumthink werry strange, tho' drest in my ushal full hevening dress, with white choker. We only had 1 Maynoo for all of us, and had to chuse our Dishes, so I chose Birds'-nest Soup, Sharks' fins, as they hadn't got no Turbot, lots of frute, and Roast Puppy! We began with frute; but, before we ate any, we all took wine with one another! ”

“ Government stood gallantly by "Noble Baron;" in the end, amid the jeers of Opposition, Sugar Bounties Bill withdrawn to avoid Ministerial defeat.
On 14th of May, Old Morality brought in Bill to establish Board of Agriculture for Great Britain, a measure which, happily passing, has dowered the country with Chaplin as Minister of Agriculture. ”

“ Naturally the poor natives, and the rich ones too for the matter of that, clamoured for protection at the hands of their ruler, who pretended he could see no other way of dealing with the difficulty than by raising a force of sharpshooters, armed with lances and bows and arrows, no guns being permitted, as the noise would disturb the Swindlah, who, about this time, invariably feigned to be laid up at home with a bilious headache. ”

“ Discovered Colony of Highly-educated Anthropoid Apes. Lent them some copies of Punch, which are indispensable to all African travellers. Apes delighted—one large gorilla quite hysterical with laughter. Much gratified—till discovery that it was the advertisements which amused them most. Sense of humour of apes much exaggerated. ”

“ The presence of this Wild Hog obstructed trade, as no Travellers, commercial or otherwise, would run the risk of encountering this dangerous monster. Of course, the Hog was never killed, as to have put an end to its existence would have been analogous to killing the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs. When I came into the country, Swindlah did his best to entrap me. I had thirty of the narrowest escapes that ever man experienced. ”

“ I bort wun day a most bewtifool Chineese rapper, and I used offen to go and sit on the steps leading to wun of their little tempels, with my air werry nicely drest by a air-dresser, and there, with Toby by my side, I used to sit and receeve the respecfool atenshuns of the estonished parsers-by.
One of the prinsiple emusements of the hupper nobillerty is the flying of most bewtifool kites! I have heard of the same thing being dun in the great City of London, but I never seed it. I bleeves in both cases the kites is made of paper. Everybody smokes in China, Men and Women and Boys and Gals. ”

“ The Naval Review, and the German Emperor's brief visit, "synchronised," as the saps say; and then, as another "Big Thing," they made Chaplin Minister of Agriculture! "Capping the Climax," that! Hard-by another Great—or Big—Man, hews away at the Tithes Bill. Go it, Harcourt!
Following the example of another really Great Man, Mr. Gladstone goes to Paris, sees the Exhibition, mounts the Eiffel Tower, perorates pleasantly about the Two Republics, France and America. Or should we say, America and France? Arcades ambo? ”

“ Natives hostile at first; war-drums sounded incessantly. Fortunately fond of music, so easily pacified them by playing selection from "Tannhäuser," arranged for drum and panpipes by Liszt. Toby taking violent fancy to a "Spottiduff," or native dog, Spottiduff vanishing mysteriously shortly before dinner; find this animal considered a great dainty in this locality. Toby inconsolable.
Among the Ustingis. Received with great ceremony by their king—Chesipara. Palm wine (corked) handed round in liqueur glasses. Dinner beastly. ”

“ And the escape of that Kane-Captained Rennie-engined Calliope,—England has not forgotten that yet, if the Admiralty has.
Opening of the Great—the Colossal, the Titanic, the World-witching, Republic-saving French Exhibition! As "Big" a thing as—as the Tour Eiffel itself! Can even Mr. Punch say more? It must have a paragraph all to itself. Well done, Lutetia! Well may you pro tem. at least, kick out politics.
Sandy "takes the floor," and his "Scotch Local Government Bill!" Hope he'll like it. He generally does like big things, be they Bills or Cabers! ”

“ Once powerful intellect now, alas! degraded. Made a long speech in the Ikkupi dialect—quite unintelligible. Mopzanbrumzi presented with a small tin of Royal Mail Red Paint, with which, when the expedition left, he was proceeding to decorate the vicinity.
On the lagoon. An adventure befell Toby, which, but for prompt action, might have had fatal termination; Toby mistook open mouth of hippopotamus for drain, and rushed down in search of rat. Hippopotamus closed mouth, with expression intimating plainly that "No contributions can be returned unless accompanied by stamps and directed wrapper." ”

“ At the outset Georgie Hamilton promises Bill to strengthen Navy; Lord Advocate mentions Scotch Universities Bill, with Scotch Local Government Bill to follow. Parnell puts in early appearance, challenging Balfour, amid wild cheers from Irish Members, to explain why Carew, M.P., at present in prison, had been deprived not only of his flannel shirt, but of his hair and moustache?
Debate on Address turns largely on Irish affairs. Suddenly, in full tide of attack, comes news of flight of Pigott. For awhile Pigott's presence fills the place ”

“ Here it is, from the first day to the moment of my posting you the last scrap by special messenger. Now, to commence * * * (We omit the first six hundred pages.) * * * The next day Swindlah Khan came to my Kabob where I was sitting, wiling away the time by teaching my favourite Cheetah the three-card trick, which the sagacious animal can now perform as easily as if he were the learnedest pig in Europe— (I am bringing him over, to back him for matches of this sort in England—shall probably get up a company to work it—Learned Pig and Cheetah Company (Limited) . ”

“ Not all to be built at once; whole scheme to be accomplished by April, 1894. Bill, debated three several nights, finally passed. In accordance with pledge given last Session, Supply put in fore-front of business. House sat night after night, sometimes voting money, always talking. All kinds of questions came up in Supply; treatment of Irish prisoners; Ministers' alleged connivance with Times; above all, Pigott, by this time, huddled up in suicide's grave at Madrid. Special attack made on Attorney-General for his professional connection with the Times case. ”

“ So, feeling as I shood suttenly die if I had to go through the same tortur again, I gave him the munny, and sure enuff he soon returned with a pore seedy-looking Chinaman who took my place, and my new friend took me out of the house by the back-door, and off I set and got home without hinterrupshun! ”

“ But, towards end of July, when everybody thought business would be wound up, the Tithes Bill brought in, and stubbornly pressed. A difficult position for the Government. Bill hotly opposed by Liberals, and not loved by Conservatives. Gray, Conservative Member for Maldon, moved crucial Amendment, which was negatived only by critical majority of four in a House of 286 Members. Nevertheless Government still stuck to framework of Bill. Attorney-General tabled batch of Amendments which transmogrified the Measure. On 16th of August House faced by practically new Bill. ”