F. Anstey

“ Refrain—As she's only a little Plebeian, &c.
This little ditty, which has the true, unmistakable ring about it, and will, Mr. Punch believes, touch the hearts of any Music-hall audience, is entirely at the service of any talented artiste who will undertake to fit it with an appropriate melody, and sing it in a spirit of becoming seriousness. ”

“ They little knoo as how it was their dance of death!
Lady B. That knowledge will come! And the beer, Monkshood—you saw it broached?
Monks. Upon the village green; the mortality is still spreading, it being found impossible to undo the knots in which the victims have tied themselves. The sweetmeats were likewise distributed, and the floor of the hinfant-school now resembles one vast fly-paper.
Lady B. (with a touch of remorse) . The children too! Was not my little Elfie once an infant? Ah me, ah me!
Elfie (aside) . ”

“ The Bull nods in acknowledgment that he is at last understood, and slaps his chest with his forelegs.
Lydia. Bull, I'll turn naughty, if you'll but be lenient!
Goodness, I see, is sometimes inconvenient.
I promise you henceforth I'll try, at any rate,
To act like children who are unregenerate! ”

“ Enter Spiker, indignant.
Spiker. Pretty treatment for a gentleman, this! Look here, Poshbury, this young lady has choked me with a cushion, and then pitched me down the front steps—I might have broken my neck. ”

“ Punch has much pleasure in offering the following little idyl to the notice of any Mammoth Comique who may happen to be in a sentimental mood. It is supposed to be sung by a scion of the nobility, and the artiste will accordingly present himself in a brown "billy-cock" hat, a long grey frock-coat, fawn-coloured trousers, white "spats," and primrose, or green, gloves—the recognised attire of a Music-hall aristocrat. A powerful,—though not necessarily tuneful,—voice is desirable for the adequate rendering of this ditty; any words it is inconvenient to sing, can always be spoken. ”

“ I have no superstitious reverence for rank, and am, I trust, sufficiently enlightened to discern worth and merit—even beneath the spangled vest of the humblest acrobat. Your foster-brother, brief as our acquaintance has been, has already endeared himself to all hearts, while you have borne a trifling reverse of fortune with sullen discontent and conspicuous incapacity. ”

“ I saw her boots flash for an instant in the bright sunlight: and now the ripples have closed, smiling, over her little black stockings!... Help!—save her, somebody!—help!... Joy! a gentleman has appeared on the scene—how handsome, how brave he looks! He has taken in the situation at a glance! With quiet composure he removes his coat—oh, don't trouble about folding it up!—and why, why remove your gloves, when there is not a moment to be lost? Now, with many injunctions, he entrusts his watch to a bystander, who retires, overcome by emotion. ”

“ Chorus—I am certain I shall wriggle,
And go off into a giggle,
And as red as any peony I'll blush.
Going through the marriage service
Will be sure to mike me nervous,
[Note the freedom of the rhyme.
And to put me in a flutter and a flush!
[31]
v.—THE AMATORY EPISODIC.
The history of a singer's latest love—whether fortunate or otherwise—will always command the interest and attention of a Music-hall audience. Our example, which is founded upon the very best precedents, derives an additional piquancy from the social position of the beloved object. ”

“ Chorus—Give 'em away! So we all say, &c.
Verse V.— (More frankly Democratic still.)
To-wards a Republic we're getting on fast;
Many old Institootions are things of the past.
(Philosophically) Soon the Crown 'll go, too, as an a-noma-lee,
And be given away—with a Pound of Tea!
Chorus—"Given away!" Some future day, &c.
Verse VI.— (Which expresses the peaceful proclivities of the populace with equal eloquence and wisdom. A welcome contrast to the era when Britons had a bellicose and immoral belief in the possibility of being called upon to defend themselves at some time!) ”

“ Punch does not pretend to say—this cynicism is always more marked when the performers are of the softer sex. Our present study is intended to fulfil the requirements of the most confirmed female sceptic, and, though the Message of the Music Halls may have been given worthier and fuller expression by pens more practised in such compositions, Mr. Punch is still modestly confident that this ditty, with all its shortcomings, can be sung in any Music Hall in the Metropolis without exciting any sentiment other than entire approval of the teaching it conveys. ”

“ Punch's Poet does them deliberately and in cold blood, being convinced that without these somewhat daring concords, no ditty would have the slightest chance of satisfying the great ear of the Music-hall public.
The title of the song is:—
MASHED BY A MARCHIONESS.
The singer should come on correctly and tastefully attired in a suit of loud dittoes, a startling tie, and a white hat—the orthodox costume (on the Music-hall stage) of a middle-class swain suffering from love-sickness. The air should be of the conventional jog-trot and jingle order, chastened by a sentimental melancholy. ”

“ Any ditty which accurately reflects the habits and amusements of the people is a valuable human document—a fact that probably accounts for the welcome which songs in the following style invariably receive from Music-hall audiences generally. If—Mr. Punch presumes—they conceived such pictures of their manner of spending a holiday to be unjustly or incorrectly drawn in any way, they would protest strongly against being so grossly misrepresented. ”

“ Nature was too strong for us. But, oh, the joy of recovering our son—of finding him so strong, so supple, so agile. Never yet has our line boasted an heir who can feed himself from a fork strapped on to his dexter heel! ”

“ The Bull exhibits the liveliest interest in her proceedings, as he looks on, with his forelegs folded easily upon the top of the door.
Song—Lydia Banks (in Polka time) .
I'm the child by Miss Jane Taylor sung;
Unnaturally good for one so young—
A pattern for the people that I go among,
With my moral little tags on the tip of my tongue.
And I often feel afraid that I shan't live long,
For I never do a thing that's rude or wrong!
Chorus (to which the Bull beats time) .
As a general rule, one doesn't live long,
If you never do a thing that's rude or wrong! ”

“ Dies in lime-light and great agony; the Footmen come out from under sofa and regard with sorrowing admiration the lifeless form of the Little Crossing-sweeper, which the Duke, as curtain falls, covers reverently with the best table-cloth. ”

“ By the exercise of virtue, is that bulls will come and hurt you!
That I thought I wouldn't go just yet!
Chorus.
We hear, with some regret,
That she doesn't mean to go just yet.
But a Bull with horns that hurt you
Is a poor return for virtue,
So she's wiser not to go just yet!
[The Bull rises on his hindlegs, and gives a forehoof each to Lydia and Jack, who dance wildly round and round as the Curtain falls.
[N.B.—Music-hall Managers are warned that the morality of this particular Drama may possibly be called in question by some members of the L. C. C.] ”

“ Punch. Whereupon censure will be instantly disarmed and criticism give place to congratulation. It is just possible, to be sure, that this somewhat confident prediction smacks rather of the Poet than the Seer, and that even the entertainment supplied by Mr. Punch's Music Hall may, to the Purist's eye, present features as suggestive as a horrid vulgar clown, or as shocking as a butterfly, an insect notorious for its frivolity. ”

“ Elfie (throwing her arms around Lady B.'s neck) . I do like you, Grandma, you have such a kind face! And oh, what pains you must have taken to find something that will do for everybody!
Lady B. (disengaging herself peevishly) . Yes, yes, child. I trust that what I have chosen will indeed do for [123] everybody,—but I do not like to be messed about. Monkshood, you know what you have to do.
Elfie. Oh, I am sure he does, Grandma! See how benevolently he smiles. You're such a good old man, you will take care that all the poor people are fed, won't you?
Little Elfie. Monks. ”

“ The day is approaching, and may even now be within measurable distance, when the Music Halls of the Metropolis will find themselves under yet more stringent supervision than is already exercised by those active and intelligent guardians of middle-class morality, the London County Council. The moral microscope which detected latent indecency in the pursuit of a butterfly by a marionette is to be provided with larger powers, and a still more extended field. ”

“ On the contrary, it is my wish to see him attired as soon as possible, in a more appropriate costume.
Lord B. (to Lady R.) . Rose, you, at least, have not changed? Tell me you will love me still even on the precarious summit of an acrobat's pole!
Lady Rose (scornfully) . Really the presumptuous familiarity of the lower orders is perfectly appalling!
The Earl (to Countess, as Lord B. and Coltsfoot retire to exchange costumes) . At last, Pauline, I understand why I could never feel towards Bullsaye the affection of a parent. Often have I reproached myself for a coldness I could not overcome. ”

“ Punch is more than a little mixed himself as to the precise theory which it is designed to enforce. He hopes, however, that, as a realistic study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a democratic audience. ”

“ For those cheap wooden dolls I've quite a loathing.
Bl. (hastily) . Oh, so have I—they're not to be endured!
Re-enter Brunette with the wooden doll, which she tries to press upon Blanchidine, much to the latter's confusion.
Br. I've brought poor Timburina back, completely cured!
Why, aren't you pleased? Your face is looking so cloudy!
F. (haughtily) . Is she a friend of yours—this little dowdy? ”

“ The Man-trap is convulsed by a violent heave; William and Benjamin bend forward in an agony of expectation, until a small shoe and the leg of Thomas's pantaloons are finally emitted from the Monster's jaws. ”

“ Chord as Monkshood enters.
Monkshood. Your Ladyship, a child, whose sole luggage is a small bandbox and a large banjo, is without, and requests the favour of a personal interview.
Lady B. (reproachfully) . And you, who have been with me all these years, and know my ways, omitted to let loose the bloodhounds? You grow careless, Monkshood!
Monks. (wounded) . Your Ladyship is unjust—I did unloose the bloodhounds; but the ferocious animals merely sat up and begged. ”

“ A conscientious artiste may legitimately object, for the sake of her professional reputation, to present herself in so humiliating a character as that of an ingénue, and a female "Juggins"; [54] and it does seem as if the Cynical Sister must inevitably monopolise the sympathies of an enlightened audience. ”

“ As they do nothing of the sort, no apology can be needed for the following effusion, which several ladies now adorning the Music-hall stage could be trusted to render with immense effect. The singer should be young and charming, and attired as simply as possible. Simplicity of attire imparts additional piquancy to the words:—
THE POOR OLD 'ORSE. We 'ad a little outing larst Sunday arternoon;
And sech a jolly lark it was, I shan't forget it soon! ”

“ Duet—Tommy and Jane (with step-dance) .
Tommy (dancing, with his mouth full) . These berries ain't so bad—although they've far too much acidity.
Jane (ditto) . To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.
Tommy (rudely) . But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with wonderful avidity!
Jane (indignantly) . No, that I'm not, so there now!
Tommy (calmly) . But you are!
Jane. And so are you!
[They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries—after which they gaze thoughtfully at each other.
[155]
Jane. ”

“ This Drama, which, like our last, has been suggested by a poem of the Misses Taylor, will be found most striking and impressive in representation upon the Music-hall stage. The dramatist has ventured to depart somewhat from the letter, though not the spirit, of the original text, in his desire to enforce the moral to the fullest possible extent. Our present piece is intended to teach the great lesson that an inevitable Nemesis attends apple-stealing in this world, and that Doom cannot be disarmed by the intercession of the evil-doer's friends, however well-meaning.
THE MAN-TRAP! ”

“ This ditty is designed to give some expression to the passionate enthusiasm for nature which is occasionally observable in the Music-hall songstress. The young lady who sings these verses will of course appear in appropriate costume; viz., a large white hat and feathers, a crimson sunshade, a pink frock, high-heeled sand-shoes, and a liberal extent of black silk stockings. A phonetic spelling has been adopted where necessary to bring out the rhyme, for the convenience of the reader only, as the singer will instinctively give the vowel-sounds the pronunciation intended by the author. ”