Various

“ If you go out with ordinary drivers, they take you along the main roads, and you come away fancying you've seen the Island. Now the advantage of coming along with me— (His eyes close once more—the Excursionists implore him to attend to his team.) You will thoroughly understand there is not the slightest cause to apprehend any danger. I've driven this car fifteen years without least accident—up to present. So you can devote your whole attention to the scenery, without needing to keep an eye upon the Driver. ”

“ On the contrary, the beans seemed to give the creature sufficient vigour to carry on the running until Christmas at Drury Lane, with a trot to Covent Garden to follow, and then back again, perhaps to the old quarters, up to Easter.
Oss-tentation; or, "Giving him Beans."
"Ah, that will make all things right!" cried AUGUSTE. "Voluptuary will carry the whole of us—Authors, Managers, and Actors—to victory!" And he was right—Voluptuary did carry them to success—a gigantic one. ”

“ Excursionists (impatiently) . Now then, what's this? What are we stopping here for?
The Driver. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will thoroughly understand that it is customary for the car to stop here, in order that the party may be photographed, thus providing an agreeable souvenir of the trip, and a useful means of identification at Scotland Yard. (A Photographer appears in the road with a camera, and the party prepare themselves for perpetuation in a pleased flutter.) P'raps, Sir— (to a Mild Man on the box-seat) —you'd like to be taken 'andling the ribbons? Most of our Gentlemen do. ”

“ LEONARD BOYNE has received a "licence to ride" from the Jockey Club, and that his ambition is to ride the winner of the "Grand National"—to which end he has started "schooling" a well-known chaser over the private training-ground in Drury Lane, belonging to Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS—if he hopes to escape observation by training at night, I fear his design will be frustrated, as, on the evening, I went to witness this "new departure" in training, I found most of the London racing-touts present, with the inevitable field-glasses! ”

“ The car, drawn by four horses, and crowded with Excursionists on pleasure bent, is toiling up the steep streets of St. Peter Port, when it comes to a sudden halt.
"Endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression." ”

“ For goodness sake never mind about iodine now—sit down and attend to your driving, like a good man!
Driver. You will thoroughly understand, my horses require no attention. (Sleepily.) No attention whatever. I assure you I am perfectly competent to drive this car and give you information going along at the same time. (The car takes another corner rather abruptly.) Simply matter of habit. (Gravely.) Matter'f habit!
A Serious Exc. (in an undertone.) A very bad habit, I'm afraid. It's really time somebody else took the reins from him! ”

“ Driver. The carved stone figure you see by the gate, is supposed to be a portrait of Julius Cæsar's Grandmother, and very like the old lady. (The Excursionists nearest him smile in a sickly way, to avoid hurting his feelings, as the car moves on—to halt once more at Icart Point.) It is customary to alight here and go round the point, and I can assure you, Ladies and Gentlemen, the scenery is well worth your inspection and will give you a little idea of what the Island is. ”

“ SIMPLE STORIES.
"Be always kind to animals wherever you may be." RUBY AND THE ROOK.
RUBY, although she was something of a tomboy, was a pretty and clever girl.
But, like many pretty and clever little ladies, she was sometimes very naughty. When she was good, she was as good as gold, but when she was naughty, she was as naughty as pinchbeck.
The other day, when her dear Mamma was away for the morning, it happened to be one of her pinchbeck times. Nothing would please her—she was cross with her governess at breakfast, she quarrelled with her bread-and-milk ”

“ The ballet is very effective, not a drop too much, and "not a drop in the business" in front of the house, though there is, as is evident, on the stage. If Manager JOHN liked to quote SHAKSPEARE with a difference, in his advertisements, he might say, "With a hey, ho, the Wind and the Rain! For the Rain it raineth every night!" For some time to come this show will be the raining favourite at the Alhambra. By the way, the Sheffield Telegraph, describing the alterations and improvements in front at the Alhambra, wrote—"The ceiling has been bevelled with porous plasters so as to hide the girders." ”

“ Voluptuary, carrying weight, winning the Great Metropolitan Drury Lane Stakes. Everybody up.
"My good friend," said HENRI, "your daughter is charming. She has been well brought up, and has the finest sentiments; but it is necessary that she should run away to Paris, and dodge the parson. ”

“ Now the Deaf and Dumb are, as a rule, exceptionally cheerful and good-tempered. It is quite right, therefore, that exceptions to this rule should be treated in a separate establishment, and that the "Cross Deaf and Dumb" ones should have a house to themselves. ”

“ As it is something to drink, and not to eat, the inventor is under no necessity to be known henceforth as Dr. PICK-AND-CHEWS. His remedy is to treat the bacilli to Rhine Wine. The result of experiments has been "so much the worse for the bacilli." ”

“ The Mild Man accepts the reins, and endeavours to assume a knowing and horsey expression.
A Timid Lady (behind) . I do hope no Gentleman will take the reins, unless he is thoroughly accustomed to driving four-in-hand. Suppose they took it into their heads to run away suddenly! ”

“ The car starts again, and presently arrives at a winding and precipitous road leading down to Petit Bot Bay, where the Driver again rises with his back to the horses, and proceeds to address the Excursionists , as they sit paralysed with horror.
Driver. Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point I shall explain the scenery. (The Timid Lady protests that she is content to leave the scenery unexplained.) ”

“ Here he is conscious of being furtively prodded in the back—but decides to take no notice.
Driver (rising as before) . Those buildings, Ladies and Gentlemen, are Chemical works for extracting iodine from seaweed. The seaweed, after being dried, is then boiled, and from the ash ”