Various

“ It's this Australian Bank business. You know the proud motto of that great Colony beyond the Sea, 'Advance, Australia!' Well, having lived there sometime, I thought it only polite to fall in with the suggestion. I advanced Australia a good deal of money in the way of purchase of bank stock, which has melted away like snow on the river. Curran's in the same box: but we shall get over this, and you may bet a shilling postage-stamp to a halfpenny newspaper-cover we'll Advance Australia no more. ”

“ All very well for John Morley to affect to make light of the business. Not very probable that when the Queen visited Ireland she would put up at an hotel; a hypothetical question; deal with the question when it arises, and all the rest of Ministerial commonplaces. Theobald's shaft had gone home, and when he saw Mr. G. wince, and Squire of Malwood grow pale, he felt that the continuous labour of nights and days was rewarded.
"Didn't think I could do it," he said when I warmly congratulated him. "Not used to that sort of thing, you know. Never know what you can do till you try. ”

“ Both descend and bow, in recognition of applause, and then each starts up his ladder again—only to meet once more at the top, more surprised and annoyed than ever. The Third Wonder refuses to be appeased unless he is allowed to hold the Second head downwards by the ankles. ”

“ Is the gentleman on the bicycle a real demon, eh, Father? Ain't he like what a real demon is? Why ain't you never seen one, Father? Think you'll ever see one, eh? Why's that man going right up atop of that pole for? ”

“ Business done.—Tommy declines to make room for his Uncle Grandolph; even rudely repulses avuncular advances.
Tuesday.—Sexton magnanimously relieved Mr. G., John Morley, and, by implication, Squire of Malwood and other Members, from embarrassing imputation. Sometimes, when gentlemen in Prince Arthur's suite have nothing nastier to say, they sketch lurid pictures of Mr. G. and the rest drawn at wheels of Sexton's chariot. All very well, they say, to talk of Cabinet Meetings, and statesmanship at Irish Office. The real boss, as Tim would put it, the arbiter of situation, is Sexton. ”

“ Q. What does a long trial mean to the defendant? A. Solicitor's fees by the score and "refreshers" by the dozen. Q. What is the outcome of the proceedings? A. After many days, a verdict. Q. In whose favour? A. The defendant's. Q. Does the defendant benefit in consequence? A. Not at all—the reverse. For after the finding of the jury, he is at liberty to pay his own costs. Q. Why does he pay his own costs? A. Because his statement that the plaintiff is and was a man of straw is practically corroborated. ”

“ As you know, obedience is 'the first law of a soldier.'"
"Still, to shoot a man for nothing, does seem a little hard."
"How do we know it's for nothing? You may be sure the Chief has his own reasons for everything."
And so the two warriors walked to the barrack square and sent for the unfortunate Private Thomas Atkins. As the order was conveyed to the quarters of the rank and file, men lounged out of the mess-room, and discussed the Colonel's orders. It seemed "a bit strange," but it was not for them to dispute the chief's command. And, as they spoke, Private Thomas Atkins was produced. ”

“ Tommy asked, when that eminent statesman moved away.
[pg 47]
"ANGELS IN 'THE HOUSE.'"
[pg 48]
"Now that's very odd indeed," said Tomlinson. "Just as you came up Parker Smith said to me 'Here comes Tommy Bowles; good fellow; means well; but don't you think he's making himself something of a bore?'"
So Parker Smith lost his chance, and perhaps will never know how or why. Thinking of these things 'tis quaint to find Tommy turning and biting the hand which, so to speak, held for him the Parliamentary bottle. "Et tu, Bowlsey!" Grandolph sighed again, thinking of the days that are no more. ”

“ See the bloke with the bald 'ed, and the ole girl in a pink bonnet?... There, they've run slap into them others, and the ole bloke's got his 'eels in the air. Oh, dear, oh, dear!... Look at the bobbies tryin' to run 'em in. Lor, they're all pourin' water on to each other's 'eds as 'ard as they can go! 'Ere's the ole walrus swimmin' up now, d'ye see? And the ole Clown a fishin' for 'im. 'E's bin an' dragged 'im 'in 'ed foremost! Look at the walrus a duckin' o' the ole woman. ”

“ A. That the plaintiff was described as being manufactured of no more substantial material. Q. If a man is made of straw, how can he obtain assistance from a solicitor? A. By approaching a member of the junior branch of the legal profession who possesses no rooted objection to speculation. Q. What is a speculative action? A. It is an action brought to give a solicitor a chance of getting costs. Q. Is the length of trial a matter of importance to the plaintiff? A. Certainly not, because he stands to win one way and not to lose on the other. ”

“ A. Because, although losing a huge sum of money may be patriotic and large-minded, it is scarcely business-like. Q. Are not newspapers intended to benefit the public? A. Unquestionably, but in that public the individuality of the proprietor should not be entirely overlooked. Q. Then what would you recommend? A. That instead of being regarded as prey, newspapers should be made to pay. Q. And how can that be carried out? A. By making a law calling upon a would-be plaintiff, in a questionable action for libel, to give security for costs. ”

“ Captain Boyton has just descended the Chute in a boat, with a bevy of lightly-clad young ladies waving flags with shrill enthusiasm. Canadians, Indians, and Negroes row various craft containing Beauties of the Ballet about the Lake. An elderly Negress stands on an island, and waves a towel encouragingly at things in general. ”

“ I daresay they never get their hair properly dry from one week's end to another. I should think that must be so uncomfortable for them, you know. However, they seem to be having plenty of fun among themselves. ”

“ Appeared on paper to-night in shape of question addressed to John Morley. Supposing (so it runs) Her Majesty should visit Ireland, and stay in an hotel, would the Government take measures to legalise the hoisting of the Royal Standard on the building?
Delightful to watch Theobald when he had fired this bolt; fixed his eye attentively on Mr. G., to see how he took it, the paper in his hand trembling with excitement. Didn't often make a joke; doesn't remember a former occasion. Work somewhat exhausting, especially in hot weather ”

“ Give a list of the eligible partis of the season, with their rent-rolls, distinguishing idiots from sensible men. 12. In conclusion, after four months' hard work at Society functions, trace the benefit you have derived from your novel surroundings.
[pg 46]
THE PROPRIETORS' VADE MECUM. (A Supplement for the Newspaper Press.) Question. What is the duty of a Newspaper Proprietor? Answer. To use his periodical for the benefit of the public by obtaining and affording information. Q. Is he expected to expose abuses? ”

“ TOO KIND BY HALF.
["The independence and integrity of Siam ... is a subject of great importance to the British, and more especially to the British Indian Empire."—Lord Rosebery. "We have in no way any intention of threatening the independence of Siam."—M. Develle.]
British Tar sings, someway after Mr. Rudyard Kipling's "Tommy." Air—"Mandalay."
"By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a settin'," an' she takes 'er time from me. ”