Various

“ Your hearts, as a nation, were once in this War; heavy as our sacrifices have been, yours have been heavier still. Why should you change? Why should the birth of your own freedom be the death of your sympathy with the cause of the freedom of the world? ”

“ So we have been patient, and are patient still, though the inaction on your Front and your withdrawal from your part in the common struggle have made our burden in France far harder to bear.
"If you fail us, we shall no less fight on, we others. 'We shall march prospering—not through your presence.' We shall fight on till the ideals of Kaiserism, your worst enemy, are crushed. ”

“ We are said to be fighting for all that we hold sacred. Yet there is nothing that is held more sacred in every cottage home throughout the land than the Preservation of our Bloodstock. Let us not deceive ourselves. It is our supremacy in Bloodstock alone that makes possible the governess car, the milk van, the brewer's dray, the very plough itself. ”

“ Where is our devotion to manly sports, so potent in the moulding of our National character? What has become of our immemorial Right to Look On? Where is our boasted liberty, deprived as we are now to be of a chance to find the winner? ”

“ It was in turn a ferry-boat—imitation of passengers descending the gangway by rhythmical patting of hand on thwart; a hospital ship chased by a submarine—cormorant's neck and head naturally mistaken for periscope; a destroyer attacking a submarine—said cormorant kindly obliging with quick diving act when approached; a food-ship laden with bananas represented by rushes culled from the banks; and a smuggler running cargoes of French wine contained in an elderly empty bottle discovered in the mud above high-water mark. ”

“ You seize the first motor-car at hand, and start off on the grand hunt after Bill. Through the crowded streets, out into the country highway, you fly at a terrific speed. Up the mountain passes you race, down precipitous slopes with every-increasing momentum. Every moment, it seems, will be your last. ”

“ Don't be too bold; one never knows who may be listening.
Müller. It is to become mad. Why did we ever let the All-Highest Majesty begin such a war? We were all so comfortable, and then suddenly the Austrian Archduke gets himself murdered and, piff-paff, we Germans must go to war against Russia and France and England. I am very sorry for the Archduke, but there were other Archdukes to supply his place, and even if there had not been I do not think he himself was worth the four millions of killed, wounded and prisoners whom we have lost since the guns began to go off. ”

“ Needless to remark, he is beloved by all the Tommies who inflict such pain upon the region of his gaudy blue waistcoat; he never seems to care and never grouses, but beams down on them undaunted with that quaint old grin of his. ”

“ Only on the public racecourse can the lofty virtues of our British Bloodstock be displayed. The exciting presence of the crowd is absolutely essential to tune up its nerve and temper. Already our Bloodstock has suffered cruelly from gaps in the Grand Stand.
Then again there are some who actually complain that petrol is consumed in large quantities by those attending race meetings. Are we to put new heart into our enemies by letting it be known that we are short of petrol? ”

“ He began by putting some searching and dreadfully intelligent questions to Ross; dissatisfied with Ross's answers, he concentrated his mind on the business for twenty-four consecutive hours, at the end of which period he was the master of it in more senses than one. Since that time Ross has ensured the efficient running of his office by keeping out of it when it is busy. When for appearance sake he has to be there he does as his Mr. Brown tells him, and never wastes the latter's time by arguing.
In the Army, all fleas have bigger fleas upon their backs to bite 'em. ”

“ Miss Norma Lorimer has described her British East African travels in a series of letters, in which she shows a very real sense of style and a delightful assumption of her own unimportance. To people suffering from the books of travellers who seem more anxious to air themselves than to give impressions of the countries through which they have passed, it will be a pure relief to find an author who suppresses herself and really gets on with her business. ”

“ At first we took the natural and hopeful view that your Revolution, supported by all that was noblest in all ranks of your society, was the result of bitter dissatisfaction with the conduct of the War, and with the secret and sinister enemy influences which were at work to ruin your chances in the common fight against Kaiserism. ”

“ From the first, when we in England took on this War, we recognised that [pg 422] the country which was bound to get most good out of it was Russia. For her we hoped that it was to be in the fullest sense a War of Liberation. Your Allies would win liberty from external menace, but you would also see the bonds of internal tyranny broken. The Tsar, the little father of his people, had a chance, such as falls to few, of giving to his nation something of the true freedom that we in England know. ”

“ Besides, a pledge like that is still a pledge, though governments may change. Would you have it so that no people, from this time on, shall trust the word of Russia for fear that a new régime might repudiate it?
"We have been patient and made allowances. We know that a great nation like yours cannot overthrow an age-long tyranny without being shaken through every fibre of its being. Time was needed for you to recover your balance and to resume a sane view of your obligations to others than yourselves. ”

“ Ross, having been at the Bar, knows nothing and knows that he knows nothing, but is able to pretend to know just enough to keep his end up with Thos. J. Brown, who, disguised as a corporal, really runs the business. "Our Mr. Brown," as Ross calls him, is one of those nice old gentlemen who wear large spectacles and cultivate specialist knowledge on the intensive system. Owing to his infallibility in all details and upon all occasions he was much sought after in peace time by the larger commercial houses. When War broke out our Mr. Brown disdained peace. ”

“ Yes, it does, for you and Bill have dragged out of the furnace some of the burning coal; this has caught some inflammable material, and soon the whole factory is alight. Now you rush round to alarm the workers. And what do you find? Mignon! She had gone out into the world to earn her own bread, and had found employment in this factory. The manager of the factory, an arch villain, had noted Mignon's beauty, and just as you arrive he is dragging her away. You snatch Mignon from his grasp. ”

“ And the English have good guns and plenty of them, and know colossally well how to use them; and they have millions of men—more than we have; and their soldiers are brave—almost as brave as our own soldiers. ”

“ The All-Highest has also said several times that our soldiers would be back in their homes before the leaves fell from the trees, and here are you and I doomed to go away from our homes in the third year of the war. It would be better, I think, if the All-Highest did not always speak so much and tried honestly to bring us a good solid peace. ”

“ The American scientist who claims to have invented a substitute for tobacco cannot have followed the movement of the age. We have been able to obtain twopenny cigars in this country for years.
An applicant who said he had six children has been given six months' exemption. A member of the Tribunal remarked that the exemption would mean one month for each child. This great discovery proved too much for the poor fellow, who is said to have collapsed immediately.
A new ship is being fitted out for Captain Amundsen, who is to proceed shortly with an Arctic exploration party. ”

“ Accordingly in every department there is a series of authorities, starting with "other ranks" at the bottom, proceeding in an ascending scale of dignity and worth, and disappearing through a cloud of Generals into an infinite of which no man knoweth the nature. ”

“ The announcement that there will be no more Sunday music at the Zoo has been received with satisfaction by the more conservative residents, who have always complained that the presence of a band tended to reduce the place to the level of a mere circus. ”

“ The last scene of all will be your wedding at the church. Mignon, of course, is the bride, and Bill is your best man. You see, he retrieved his character by the aid given at the factory fire, and you have forgiven him the murder of his uncle. ”

“ A market gardener told the Enfield Tribunal that a conscientious objector whom he had employed was found asleep at his work on two successive days. People with highly-strung consciences very rarely enjoy this natural and easy slumber. ”

“ Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the Punch Office, or by other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply for copies of the title and half-title pages, as these will be bound in by the Punch Office or supplied direct to other binders along with the cases.
[pg 410]
ALGY.
Algy, it must be admitted, is no Adonis, but at least there is something in his great round pudding-face and his cheery idiotic smile which gives one the impression of a warm and optimistic nature.
Algy is humble and not ambitious ”

“ Hamilton Fyfe says that several Austrian forts captured by the Italians were built of solid ice. It is time that London had some defences of this character.
The arrival of ex-King Tino at Lugubrioso, on the Swiss-Italian frontier, has been duly noted.
The Lord Mayor of London has decided in future to warn the City of impending air raids. Ringing the dinner-bell at the Mansion House, it is thought, is the best way of making City men take to their covers.
A new epidemic, of which "bodily swellings" are the first symptom, is reported by the German papers. ”

“ Unfortunately, in turning a sharp corner, the car plunges into the waters of a rapid mountain torrent!"
"Dear, dear!" said Percy.
"But you come safely through—"
Percy heaved a sigh of relief.
"YOU FOLLOW HIM."
"You are seen falling, falling, falling, [pg 11] still in your car, with the descending cataract. ”

“ Because his wife accused him of not loving her, a farmer of Husavik, Manitoba, assaulted her with a pen-knife just to show that he did.
Special "storm troops"—men picked for their youth, vigour and daring, to carry out counter-attacks—are now a feature of the German Armies. Even our ordinary British soldiers, who are constantly compelled to take these brave fellows prisoners, bear witness to the ferocity of their appearance. ”

“ In future, when posed with futile or embarrassing questions about the War, let them follow the Speaker's example, and simply say, "You must ask the Kaiser!"
THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR.
Sir Frederick Smith. "What's the good of struggling?"
Literary Dame (at bookstall) . "Have you any books by that rising young novelist, Lord Hugh Cecil?". ”

“ Are you a good pugilist?"
"I have indulged a little in the pastime of sparring," answered Percy.
"Good," said the producer. "You see, the picture opens with Bill Bloodred, the champion prize-fighter, demanding certain documents from his aged uncle. As the latter won't surrender the papers. Bill gives him a swinging blow to the jaw, a few more heavy ones to various other parts of the body, and then proceeds to kick the old man to death as the latter lies helpless on the floor. It's one of those thrilling scenes the juveniles like so much! ”

“ June 21st.—Much annoyed by report of Curzon's extraordinary speech in the House of Lords. Called at the White House and the British Embassy to put matters right, and sent wireless to Curzon: "Nothing 'succeeds' like success." ”

“ FRANCIS-JOSEPH now shows signs of extreme exhaustion and plays all shots from bath-chair. FERDINAND, who asserts himself a match for both his opponents, won tenth hole (Helles Hell—hundred-yards carry over dense undergrowth) with brassie shot that ricochetted off five spectators and two trees, finishing up three inches from the pin. By careful putting he got down in two more. CROWN PRINCE has just thrown away third set of clubs.
6 p.m.—FRANCIS-JOSEPH has retired. Can no longer swing a club, and has booked bed in camp hospital. CROWN PRINCE still awaiting fresh set of clubs. ”

“ The hot weather is thought to have something to do with it.
The Board of Agriculture advises the killing of all old cocks and hens. Lively competition between the railway refreshment rooms and the tyre factories should ensure a satisfactory price. ”

“ Rose ——, sixty-seven, —— road, South Tottenham, a young girl, was a witness in a London county court when the boom of guns and detonation of bombs were heard."—Daily Paper.
Our English girls to-day are only as old as they feel. ”

“ By this afternoon twenty-five of them had so far changed their minds as to protest against the limitation of the privilege to women over thirty. Major Rowland Hunt, convinced that women would soon vote themselves into the House, expressed a naïve preference for "young 'uns." ”

“ Traffic, issuing new cards, said next that all owners of cards must also own bicycles. Realising the quandary, Ross was for saying he wouldn't play any more, but would declare a separate peace. His Mr. Brown however got up a long and intricate correspondence, at the end of which Ross was still owner and No. ”