Various

“ GETTING ONE'S MONEY'S WORTH.
She. "What's the good of spending all our Sunday Afternoons in walking round the Square, where there's never a Soul and hardly a Tree to speak of, and when there's the Park close by?"
He. "What's the good of having to pay a Guinea a Year for the use of the Square, if we don't use it as often as we can, I should like to know?"
THE NEW, AND BAD, "HATCH."
Mr. Punch loquitur:—
Well, Partlet, old hen, here's a pretty fiasco
The Poultry profession seems going to pot. ”

“ C. B. Dicky!
'Tis there you'll have the pull that wickets sticky
Or cut up, through the influence of weather,
Can't neutralise. They're never all together.
Some run like hares, some throw in like a Krupp;
But what they fail in is in "backing up."
L. B. Thanks be! I see my chance then. If they're loose
In fielding I can slog 'em to the doose.
C. B. But don't take liberties, my lad. No jumps
In for a drive; they're always on the stumps.
And then their wicket-keeper's like a cat. ”

“ The Lady in the picture cannot age. Even amidst all the living breathing beauty collected within those walls on Thursday last, the Lady on the wall, if we may so put it, "took the cake,"—though she didn't take it all, as there was plenty left for Miss Mary Anderson, Miss Dorothy Dene, and some other charming ladies. ”

“ Scene—The Cricket Field. The Bell has rung for the Second Innings. Mr. Land Bill is just going to the wickets, and pauses to exchange a word or two with Mr. Crimes Bill, who has had so long an innings in the earlier part of the match.
Crimes Bill (taking it easy on his bat) . Hello, L. B. my lad, you're going in?
L. B. (buttoning his gloves nervously) . Ye—e—s. Captain's orders!
C. B. Well, I hope you'll win.
L. B. I'll do my best; can Cricketer do more?
C. B. No. But, by Jove! you'll find it hard to score.
L. B. What? Bowling killing? ”

“ Parnellites of course hostile to Motion. But more particularly enraged because O. M. in moving it had not spoken single sentence.
"Come, come," said John Dillon, "this is too bad. If we are to lose our liberties, let us, at least, have a speech in support of the proposition."
But O. M. obdurately silent, and debate kept up for three hours from Opposition side. Then Division taken, and Motion carried by majority of a round hundred. After this, Ministers looked forward to another wearisome evening, with Friday to follow, and more talk through Monday up to fatal Seven o'Clock. ”

“ I'm sure there's not one of those comely, plump, bold chicks
That would not despise this contemptible troop.
They look like the work of a villanous vamper.
Just take a glance at 'em, my Partlet, I beg;
They've too much top-hamper, they scarcely can scamper. ”

“ Having given Government the trouble of preparing, moving and carrying Resolution, fixing closure of debate on Monday evening, Irish Members not going to debate at all! The Government might take their Report Stage; which they did, and before you could say "W. H. Smith," the Report Stage of the Coercion Bill was agreed to, and House, scarcely recovered from surprise, was engaged upon miscellaneous business of the Orders of the day.
Friday, Midnight.—Since dinner-time there has been exhilarating scene in Palace Yard. Nearly every 'bus that has passed has dropped a Duchess at the gate. ”

“ Miss Orty, without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps, and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen.
Second Mild Man. Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to inquire—— (Miss C. and Miss O. regard him stonily, which has effect of disconcerting him to some extent) . I—I ... there were some books I sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may remember it?—they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. and Miss O. wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull story.) ”

“ Well, then we had a hole carrywan of settlers for life attacked as they was agoing quietly along by a hole army of wild Injians, and defended by Bufferlow Bill and his bold Cow Boys, and a grand fight it was. Plenty of firing, but not enuff execushun for to friten the ladies, for the jest a few was killed in the dedly combat, they all got up and rode away after the battle was over; so I spose as they was ony shamming jest to deceeve the enemy.
Curiosity, which is the Waiter's weekness, makes me inquire, why so many Cow Boys when there aint not no Cows? ”

“ It's all very well for you, Tim, to be brow-beating the Speaker, interrupting Hon. Members opposite, moving the adjournment and the like. But it's different for a man who has a Castle, a drawbridge, a moat, and a moustache. ”

“ The yung lady wood have bin werry good looking if her Ma had let her alone, but she had painted her two cheeks such a brite skarlet that skarlet runners is nothing to 'em, and as for the pore little chap his hole face was painted a greenish yeller, like a werry bad case of jarndice, and all his air a brite green. ”

“ But I have sum dim recklekshun of playing at cards with two Chiefs and a Squaw, and that one of them had a dress on sumthink like a porky-pine with his squills, and that I lost my money, and that sum familyer voice said, "Why, Robert, you've lost your Injian Rubber!" at witch we all larfed. ”

“ And I, like the Rose, was left blooming alone.
So I plunged in the freshening stream—down, down, down
I dived, and I dived, then I came up—to town.
A Case against the Police.—This was Miss Case, who being arrested by a Constable, was Miss-taken for somebody else. Gallant Josephus Chamberlanius of the Orchid Squad has come to the rescue, and the "Matthews-at-Home" Secretary granted an inquiry. Before this paragraph appears, the Public may be in possession of the truth. Justice must be done, or the young woman may become Case-hardened. ”

“ Breaks awful, right and left, and shoots like mad.
I say they ought to be disqualified
For unfair bowling.
L. B. Humph! that game's been tried;
But Umpire doesn't always seem to see it.
C. B. Ah! Umpires are such funkers.
[Pg 3]
L. B. Well, so be it.
Must do my best. What sort of wickets?
C. B. Crumbling.
Must meet the ball with a straight bat ”

“ Kings, Queens, Royal Highnesses, Grand Dukes and Duchesses have become so common this Jubilee month, that, when some blasé and well-seasoned Londoner is asked who such and such a decorated person is, he languidly replies, "Oh! ”

“ Strawberries sold by auction in Covent Garden Market, and fetch two guineas each.
13th.—Queen's Weather still continues. All the grass in Hyde Park turns brown, and suddenly disappears. Vegetables generally sell at famine prices. ”