Various

“ It is a charming characteristic of the Young Amateur Entertainer that—whether he possesses or not the smallest acquaintance with any language beyond his own—he is always prepared to impersonate a foreigner of any given nationality at a moment's notice; and Mr. Punch is confident that the most backward of his Pupils will be perfectly at home (and how his audience will envy him!) ”

“ Why come out so far afield to read the Morning Post? Or wasn't it here, during Lord Salisbury's visit last year, and is he still ignorant of its having been subsequently demanded and supplied this season? And when he comes and finds it—"O what a surprise!"—no, thank goodness, we have escaped from this song—for a time, at least.
Too hot to write any more journal. The hundredth bell is sounding for the fiftieth déjeuner. My déjeuner is finished. There are bells here perpetually. All day and all night. ”

“ Question is, shall it be Butterine or Margarine? The usually hostile camps streaked with enemies. A Noble Lord, who stands stoutly for Butterine, finds himself seated with another Peer, who swears by Margarine, and vice versâ. When division comes there is woful cross-voting. It is Basing who appropriately brings on subject, and Wemyss who moves that the compound be called Butterine, instead of Margarine. Everyone in high spirits, sustained by a free collation, served out at the door. This attraction rather militated against full success of debate. ”

“ That's what I call true cricket pluck, and so, even when Maurice Read quitted him,
That's what young Lohmann perceived; the place wanted cool grit—and it fitted him.
His thirty-five, and not out, was worth more, Sir, than many a "Century."
Played like an iceberg, he did; style neither too tame nor too venture-y.
Poor crippled Wood backed him bravely, and he made the winning hit, he did.
Won by four wickets! Hooray! Gallant Surrey at last has succeeded
In knocking the dust out of Notts. I've hoorayed till my tongue feels quite furry. ”

“ Game wasn't won till 'twas lost. Hooray, though, for Surrey! 'Twas her win.
We missed our Wood at the wicket, Notts squared it by missing her Sherwin,
Both with smashed fingers! Rum luck! But then cricketing luck is a twister. ”

“ As this apparition is frequently followed by the sound as of a man in a complete suit of armour falling head-over-heels down six flights of stairs, and ultimately, amidst prolonged and piercing shrieks, apparently lodging in the coal-cellar, a member of the Society for Promoting Psychical Research could not fail to find the whole experience a singularly pleasing one. ”

“ A stirring debate, but Butterine was nowhere. Bramwell having demonstrated Margarine was "not the correct name for the substitute known as Butterine," their Lordships by large majority voted for Margarine.
Business done.—In Commons Land Bill again.
A NEW WERSION OF AN OLD SONG. (By a thorough Port-soakian.)
The Lord Mare leads an appy life,
He has no cares of party strife,
He drinks the best of hevry wine,
I wish the Lord Mare's lot was mine.
And, yet all appy's not his lot,
Although he has his title got;
He hardly once alone can dine—
would not that his lot was mine. ”

“ As the Advertiser's idea is to start from some convenient Gas-Works in the Midland Counties, and keep a steady northward course by holding on, before the wind, with a line and grappling-hook to the system of telegraphic wires running alongside one of the great central railways, and as he proposes merely stopping occasionally en route to unroof the house of some local medical man when any of the party are in need of advice, he confidently anticipates that the trip will not be devoid of novel and exciting features that will invest it with a distinctively fresh and exhilarating character. ”

“ There is "A Salubrity at Royat," which people of certain tendencies cannot easily find elsewhere. It is a cure for eminent persons of strong Conservative tendencies. Lord Salisbury was here last year, and my friend Monsieur Ondit, who is in everybody's confidence, tells me that his Lordship will revisit a place where the traitement did him so much good. I believe he underwent the "Cherry-cure," at all events his Lordship was seen in public constantly eating them out of a paper-bag. What did he do with the bag? ”

“ Everyone thinks he knows what he is here for, but very few tell what he thinks he knows. And, by the way, the best-informed among us doesn't know very much about it.
In the Reading-room of the Cercle there ought to be (as advertised in a local journal) at least three English newspapers daily. I have not seen them as yet. The only London paper arriving here regularly, and to be purchased every day early at the Newsvendor's, is the Morning Post. ”

“ A very interesting article appears in the current number of the Fortnightly Magazine, in which the favourite "quotations" of many celebrated persons are introduced with much effect. Always ready to take a hint, Mr. Punch has asked everyone he knows to furnish him with his predilections. ”

“ If they don't abate their hate, they'll bring ruin on the State,
Will the Ballyhooly Parliamentary Army.
Very Like a Wales.
The zeal of the Actor who blacked himself all over to play Othello, is at last outdone—by Mr. Gladstone, who, it is stated, is learning the Welsh language, under the tuition of Mr. Richard, M.P., in order to deliver his speech at the forthcoming Eisteddfod in Taffy's own tongue. "Not for Cadwallader and all his goats," as Pistol says, would an ordinary politician go through such an ordeal for such an end. ”

“ It's poison, that is clear, Ballyhooly "ginger-beer,"
As ye'll own when I have given the prescription.
You take heaps of Party "rot," spirit mean, and temper hot,
Lies, blasphemy, and insult; mix them duly ”

“ We are all surprised at seeing one another here. Each person (or each couple or party) seems to think that he alone (or they alone) possess the secret of Royat's existence. We certainly are not a mutual admiration society at Royat. When we come upon one another suddenly, each exclaims, "Hallo! ”

“ TIGER-SHOOTING AT HOME. PRIME SPORT WITH BIG GAME.—A Country Clergyman, who, having taken charge of a Menagerie for an invalid friend, has had the misfortune to let nearly the whole of it escape and get loose in his parish, would be glad to have the assistance of several Sportsmen of wide Indian and African experience, who would be willing to join him in an effort either to kill, or, if possible, recapture it at the very earliest opportunity. ”

“ As he would not take a Pilot with him, but proposes when in doubt either to ask his way from the nearest Coastguard by signal, or run in shore and get out and walk, he thinks the voyage would not be without excitement and variety, and would be likely to afford some novel seafaring experience to the naval amateur in search of pleasing adventure. ”

“ Several people having already been frightened into fits through passing a night in the castle, a practical joker, who wished to have a little fun at the expense of an aged and invalid relative or two, could not do better than ask them down for a week, and let them take turns at sleeping in the bedroom in question. ”

“ For that feminine majority the following congenial hints are published:—
If a woman makes a will, she can never revoke it, and is likely to die soon afterwards, as it is not only unnecessary, but unlucky. ”

“ I lôfed my vife—but now I vind I gares for you ze most—
And I'm dired of shmoking dings vat is no pedder as a ghost!"
Zo Nigodeen she dakes him back, begause his vife vas gone,
And now ze bipe he shmokes is nod an immaderial von!
You vonder how I goms to know?—Brebare yourzelves to jomp!—
(Sensationally.) I vas zat yong boor man meinzelf—der Herr Brofessor Bompp!
THE TRAVELLER'S VADE MECUM.
Question. I understand that you are leaving Town. Why?
Answer. Because it is the fashion. ”

“ The latter impossible. In the former no change. He had merely kicked over traces and was now come back to run in them. Thought of this with some bitterness. But reception well meant. There was the Aged P. violently beckoning with venerable forefinger, and the errant son made his way up to him, fell on his neck and kissed him——this of course in a Parliamentary sense.
Business done.—Army Estimates.
Friday.—House of Lords rent to its centre by deadly, blood-curdling, butter-melting controversy. ”

“ Zo she gif him out her lily hand, and shmile on him zo shveet:
"Vith sodge a sagrifice," she zaid, "you brove your lôf indeet!
And I dakes you—on your zolem vort mit shmoking to ged rid,
Pe off and purn your bipes and dings!" vich—boor yong man, he—did! ”

“ INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 50. GRAND PARLIAMENTARY CRICKET MATCH.
(Facsimile of Sketch by Our Electric Special.)
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
E. H. P-ck-rsg-ll.
M-cl-n interposes.
Monday Night, August 1.—Prince Louis of Battenberg had better be making inquiries as to return trains for Germany. W. Redmond "has had his attention called to him," and Pickersgill has his eye upon him. German Prince been appointed to command of Dreadnought over thirty British Officers who had precedence for promotion. ”