Various

“ Bowser had begun to turn white when the telephone rang.
"Hello, Bowser!"
"Yes."
"Say, old man, this is a world of change, you know. When I told you we'd come down to that party I never thought about my sister. She's to be married that same evening. Tra-la, old boy; hope you'll have a good time."
"I told you it would be hard work to get so many people out," I remarked.
"Did you, Mrs. Bowser? How kind of you! But I'll show you and these liars and deceivers a thing or two before I get through."
There were no more declinations until Wednesday morning. Then Mr. Bowser was called up by telephone. ”

“ What on earth ails you, Mrs. Bowser? You are making fuss enough over ten minutes' work to warrant a year's job."
"It must be well done."
"Certainly."
"Two coats all around."
"Just so."
"Even if it takes you all day?"
"Even if it takes me over half an hour, which it won't. I'll show you a job here that will make a black man turn green with envy. Just run upstairs and make yourself comfortable." ”

“ There is always some drawback—either too many people inside or too few; in either case of which he thinks he will be noticed. Once he does enter; and one of the barbers venturing the inquiry, "Hair cut, sir?" involves him in delightful confusion, and to avoid further embarrassment, he submits to having his hair cut, and still remains unshaved.
At last, in sheer desperation, he makes a very firm resolve either to get shaved that day or never. With this heroic resolve, and twopence in his hand, he sallies forth to the barber's, and at a favorable moment walks in and tremblingly awaits his turn. ”

“ Nobody knew better than himself that the deadly weapon wasn't loaded. He had bought it of a marine store dealer, cleaned and polished it—it was a five-chambered revolver—and clicked the trigger three or four times to make sure; but even that made him nervous.
"She's really frightened!" he said, as he walked away.
An irresistible impulse came over him to frighten her a little more. He went back. He peeped over the garden gate. The house stood dark and silent. Everybody had gone to bed. He would steal round into the back garden and throw a little gravel up at Matilda's window. ”

“ During the next hour he had the use of the telephone to call up acquaintances, and when he finally hung up the trumpet he turned to me with:
"Anything very dismal about that, Mrs. Bowser? I've got ten couple without moving out of my tracks. I'll have the other eight before to-morrow night."
"That is, they will promise to come."
"Promise! Promise! Do you imagine that all other people are like you? Most folks know their own minds for a day or two ahead, Mrs. Bowser." ”

“ If there are any little jobs about the house I've got plenty of time to do them. In fact, I need just such exercise. Such work is a diversion to me, and the doctor recommends it."
"Do you mean to say you will do the whitewashing?"
"I do. I don't do it to save a dollar, but for my own benefit. I always like the smell of lime."
"I wish you wouldn't do it. You will get lime in your eyes, and you will blame me for it, and—-"
"There you go! Blame you! What would I blame you about? If I get lime in my eyes it's my own fault. Mrs. Bowser, you are getting to be a good deal of a crank lately." ”

“ Bowser, the event of our life is about to happen."
"What is it?"
"You know Gregg? Well, Gregg owns a little farm out here about twelve miles. There's a good house on it, and he says we can occupy it for the summer. We will have a cow and a horse, pigs, poultry and other stock, and we'll go out there and tan up and get fat and have the best time in the world."
"I don't think much of the idea, Mr. Bowser."
"You don't. You don't want cool breezes—fresh eggs—fresh berries—rich milk—songs of birds—lowing of the kine and rest from care!" ”

“ The fellows who discuss "Is Marriage a Failure?" or "Why I am a Bachelor," have wondered lately how women reach their cute noses with a handkerchief since the advent of the new fangled veil. It covers the greater part of the face, and is as ornamental possibly as protective. ”

“ A male figure stood in the center of the onion-bed. Its hat was cocked on one side, its gaze uplifted to Matilda's window. One arm was stretched out in an attitude of supplication. A bush rustled as Trotters stole warily behind him. Matilda's window opened. Matilda's voice queried, "Is that you, dear?" It was too much. Trotters drew the fatal pistol and clapped it to his rival's ear.
"Stir a step and you're a dead man!" he hissed, trying to steady his shaking hand. Too late! There was a flash—a terrible explosion! The stranger fell prone, and lay motionless on the ground. ”

“ Gunsaulus was telling a group of the bibliomaniacs yesterday that there was nothing so beautiful in a house as a bevy of bright children. "I have a very lovely family," said he. "I hold, as the sinful world would say, a bobtail flush." ”

“ Bowser swung his hammock in the orchard. This was something he had doted on for a week. He had scarcely dropped into it when three or four caterpillars dropped on to him, and he put in the rest of the afternoon on the hard boards of the veranda. The cow came sauntering up about 5 o'clock, covered with flies and mosquitoes, and the girl hinted to Mr. Bowser that he was expected to milk.
"Oh, certainly," he replied. "I wouldn't give a cent for farm life unless I could milk a cow or two. I used to sing a ballad while I was milking." ”

“ Bowser! Are you getting ready for the insane asylum? I think I run my own house yet. If I'm willing to peel off and do these odd jobs, I ought to be encouraged instead of insulted."
I was quite sure how it would end, but I said nothing more, and in the course of half an hour he got into his old clothes and went down cellar. I followed him down to give him a few last words of advice, but he didn't need them.
"You go right upstairs and sit down and enjoy yourself," he said. ”

“ Bowser, who was working in the back yard, wanted the spade, and I had to tell him that I lent it. As it was not to be found the natural inference was that the borrower had not returned it.
"This is a pretty state of affairs!" exclaimed Mr. Bowser when he had given up the search. "The longer some folks live the less they seem to know." ”

“ The conductor wore No. 8 shoes, and was nearsighted. The street railways contract to carry passengers, Mr. Bowser, not to act as guardians for sap heads and children."
"But I'll get it at the office to-morrow," he slowly replied.
"Perhaps, but it is doubtful. As you can't remember the number of the car they will laugh at the idea, and perhaps take you for an impostor." ”

“ The man untied his horse with nervous anxiety, and, jumping into his wagon, drove hastily down the street.
[Pg 126]
"I'm not afraid of a barrel of cider!" said a toper to a temperance man. "I presume not, from your appearance; I should think a barrel of cider would run at your approach," was the reply.
"I tell you, Susan, that I will commit suicide, if you won't have me."—"Well, John, as soon as you have given me that proof of your affection, I will believe that you love me."
If the speculator misses his aim, everybody cries out, "He's a fool," and sometimes "He's a rogue." ”

“ A squirrel came down to the edge of the creek on the opposite side, dragged a shingle to the water's edge, launched it, and jumping on himself hoisted his tail for a sail. He soon sailed across and anchored his shingle at the bank. Stealing up to the crib, he got out an ear of corn and carried it to the creek, put it on the shingle and ferried it across. ”

“ What in the world do you mean. Is it a lot of rubber figures that you blow up and then do they play music?"
"Naw, pap. Come out in the next room and I'll let you hear some music from a rubber band."
The old gentleman becoming interested, laid down his paper, wiped his glasses, and followed his son into the next room, where Johnnie had a rubber band stretched from one side of the wood box to the other, which he began to pick with his finger. "Now, pap, you can say that you have heard music from a rubber band." ”

“ A portly citizen left a Woodward avenue car at High street between showers yesterday, but was hardly on the sidewalk before he began yelling and beckoning at the car.
"It's agin orders to stop except at crossings," observed a passenger on the rear platform, as the conductor reached up to the bell-rope.
"Yes, but he has probably forgotten something."
"Well, let him get it when the car comes down. I have no patience with forgetful men." ”

“ Here's the brush and here's a pail of lime, and if I don't white-wash more cellar in ten minutes than Moses could in all day, I'll never try it again. Besides, Mrs. Bowser, whitewashing is not the slouch work you imagine it to be. It has got to be done by a person of taste and intelligence or it won't stand. ”

“ I asked Mr. Bowser.
"There you go!" he snapped. "You can't expect things to look as nice out here as in Central Park. We come for the balmy breezes and the rest."
"You spoke of hunting hens' eggs in the meadow grass."
"So we will—come on."
He made a dash for a big patch of burdocks near the back door, got tangled up in the ruins of a barrel, and when he got up he had a cut on his chin and his nose was bleeding. He tried to make light of the affair, but it was hard work. ”

“ When General O. O. Howard was marching down through Tennessee, General Whittlesey, late president of the Freedmen's Bank, was assistant adjutant general on his staff. Whittlesey had been a clergyman down in Maine, and was fully as strait-laced as Howard. One day Howard drove into a farm-yard from which Whittlesey was just departing. A woman and her grown daughter were standing outside the door.
"My good woman," said Howard, "will you kindly give me a drink of water?"
"No. Get out of my yard. A lot of more impident Yankees I never seed." ”

“ The newly-married wife said she wanted a certificate. No marriage was good without one. It cost twenty-five cents for a blank that would suit her. The reverend gentleman filled the blank out in the usual form and she went away seemingly satisfied. A few days later she again appeared at the door. "Mister," said the woman in an aggrieved tone, "I looked through the papers and can't find a notice of our wedding. You ought not to treat us different from other folks." So the dominie went to a newspaper office and paid fifty cents to have a notice inserted. ”

“ Jones seems to be a very intelligent person," said the lady. "He says that by surf bathing I can reduce my weight at the rate of fourteen pounds a week."
"Why, he must be an imbecile," exclaimed her husband, hotly. "If you go wallowing, like a whale, in the ocean it will add just two pounds a day to your bulk. That is what Dr. Brown promises that sea bathing will do for me, and I am going to begin to try it to-morrow."
"Germain, you have been imposed upon by an ignorant quack," replied Mrs. Mullenhauser, severely. ”

“ A man who would put burrs under his saddle, whether that saddle was on a horse or a mule, deserved the severest condemnation.
Waydown Bebee couldn't excuse the Major for going on that rabbit hunt. A dying wife does not care for soup of any sort. As to the burrs under the saddle, they might have got there by accident. Even if they were put there by design, there was no evidence that the mule objected. He owned a mule, whose demeanor could not be changed one iota by all the burrs in the State of Michigan. ”

“ Mullenhauser now tipped the scales at 210 pounds and was threatened with dropsy, while his wife could only turn them at 90 pounds, looked like a scarecrow, and feared to breast the waves, as she had formerly done, lest they should sweep her away.
They fled by different trains from the seaside and tried to consult the slighted family physician, but he refused to be consulted, and advised them, cynically, to see Drs. Jones and Brown. Mrs. Mullenhauser is half a foot taller than her spouse, and much better adapted, anatomically, to carry the heavier burden of flesh. ”

“ If somebody should come here and ask for the piano, I suppose you'd let it go. Mrs. Bowser, you'll never get over your countrified ways if you live to be as old as the hills. It isn't the loss of the spade so much, but it is the fact that the man thinks you are so green. ”

“ The Oklahoma Snorter, in its last issue, contained the following breezy locals:
Jim Highbee has secured the beautiful lot at the corner of Bullwhacker avenue and Kill'emquick street, and has begun the erection of a tent thereon. This lot formerly belonged to Dick Skinner, but he gave it up at the same time he give up his life. Col. Jim is a good shot.
We are glad to learn that our friend Dan Bunker has at last come into possession of a choice lot. Dan killed the former claimant with his first shot. Dan is a rustler, and never does things by halves. ”

“ Germain Mullenhauser and his wife are no longer seen daily braving the surf at Coney Island. They have returned to their Brooklyn residence, where their ablutions are made in the bath tub, and it is very doubtful whether any of the seaside resorts will ever see them again. An estrangement has grown up between them, and they are not happy.
Their story is a strange eventful history. Two months ago Mrs. Mullenhauser could readily turn the scales at 210 pounds, while her husband weighed about the ninety pounds necessary to aggregate 300. ”

“ A small manufacturer, who had engaged in many local speculations, which had always turned out well, had become a person of some wealth thereby. He was rather past the middle age when he bethought himself of insuring his life, and he had only just taken out his policy when he fell ill of an acute disease, which was certain to end fatally in a very few days. ”

“ Chicagoan (decisively) —I feel it in my bones that Chicago is going to have the fair.
New Yorker—I should advise you to see a physician. I know a man who felt something in his bones, and it turned out to be rheumatism.
V. S.
A Financial Solomon. ”

“ Jones' better half had presented him with twins. When nurse brought them into the room for inspection the poor man was so bewildered at the multitudinous character of his happiness that he asked: "Am I to choose?"
—Judge.
A Chicago man tried to commit suicide by perforating his head with a bullet. The bullet passed through his skull all right, but did not touch the brain. Before a man goes gunning for his own brains, he ought to acquire the requisite skill by practicing at a pea in a peck measure for a time. ”

“ Going on a rabbit hunt while his wife lay at the point of death.
2. Putting burrs under the saddle of his old mule to get up an artificial enthusiasm.
Brother Gardner said that it was a question for debate, and Giveadam Jones arose and observed that he could never vote to convict a brother on the first charge. While there might be no question that Major Jones went out to hunt rabbits while his wife was dying, what was his object? Was it for amusement, or was it to provide her with rabbit soup? The accused should be given the benefit of the doubt. ”

“ A week or two ago a well-known dealer in live stock of this city went over to Washington County to make a deal with a big stock raiser, who is also prominent as a strict Prohibitionist. The cattle having been inspected and the price agreed upon, the Washington County man retired to the house to make out a receipt and so on, leaving the Pittsburgher in his son's hands. ”