W. Paul Ganley

“ It can't be, Dianne. The war has changed things. Before I met you, I used to lay on the grass, staring up at stars thinking. Maybe that civilization was finished, but man wasn't. He's a tough animal to kill off. The future may lie in us, Dianne."
"You're being dramatic, Clark, we're not the only ones left; there are plenty more people. ”

“ We started out at the Stork Club. Sherm Billingsley had gotten wind of the Aardvark and had a special room reserved with a wall knocked out for the elephant Rubin. The men were practically fawning all over the Schwartz Valkyries who calmly broke Champagne bottles over their heads and continued to stay by their erstwhile pal, the Aardvark. After we had gotten well well placed I looked at the Aardvark. He was holding sway like a royal Sultan, complete with dancing girls. ”

“ My name is Dianne, not Eve."
"And mine's Clark, glad to know you." They laughed and settled down to watch the sunset. "Where are you living?" asked Clark a little later.
"It's a cave over near the Santa Monica mountains."
"There? That's infested with a lot of renegades?" Dianne smiled.
"They're too stupid to look under their own noses." She sat up and stretched. "Come up, I'll show you." She sprang up and began running, her long hair streaming out behind her. Clark bounded after, at a pace only youth and vigor could maintain. ”

“ The person yelling was Oliver Absinthe, the bartender, who was yelling at Cassius who was in turn yelling and alternately beating with his fists and a cuspidor, a slot machine that was not acting in the way Cassius expected it to. With a resounding howl the machine exploded showering colored lights, nickels, pieces of wire, and an Aardvark at me. The last was caught by Ketanya Schwartz in one hand while downing a beer with the other. Absinthe was jumping up and down behind his seasick green bar while the rather shady looking patrons were scrambling for the nickels. ”

“ Ada quickly smudged the picture with her floor cloth.
But the time came when she had to stop work. No more would the old joints bend and stretch.
Then Ellie came to her room one evening with determination in her eyes. "I'm taking you to another home, Mother," she said, firmly.
Ada was too tired to protest. "Where?" she asked.
"Let's play a kind of game," said Ellie. "Close your eyes and I will lead you."
Like a child Ada agreed. Before they left the rooming house that had been her home for so many years she closed her eyes and put her wrinkled hand into Ellie's. "Is it far?" ”

“ The ever present, ever beautiful grass marched stolidly, like long rows of soldiers.... No. Grass does not kill, it must not be compared with soldiers, ever. Yet it marched, rhythmically, in time to something.... Clark pushed the nearly blond, sun-bleached hair out of his youthful, yet hard face, and played with the sickle bladed grass. ”

“ Cassius, the Aardvark, finding himself alone in the middle of a deserted town with a moustachioed elephant and two Valkyries decided that here they were not appreciated, and made preparations for leaving the country.
In a deserted haberdashery he found a fine, warm English tweed, a top hat, white gloves, a white bow tie, and a pair of lavender earmuffs, which he quickly donned. The elephant was equipped with a can of moustache wax and a muffler, while the Schwartz sisters doffed their filmy negligee type goddess gowns and donned two lovely business suits. ”

“ But the people of the town upon seeing the apparition of a large elephant with a moustache carrying two beautiful girls and a strange animal, wanted to burn the aardvark and his companions at the stake thinking them a figment of their imaginations.
The elephant did not care for this in the least and rearing back on his hind legs proceeded to tell the townsfolk so, much to their dismay. In large groups they immediately depopulated the Swiss village. ”

“ Fifteen minutes and ninety gallons of blood later the place was cleared of all sentience save Cass, myself, the Schwartz girls, and a drunken cockroach (something familiar about that boy) who immediately staggered to the seashore, fell in and was poisoned to death.
Cassius, basking in such munificent attention, and also regaling himself with the beauty of the two girls, immediately realized how unhappy he really was in civilization. He pleaded on bended bodies for forgiveness, and upon being received warmly by Olga and Ketanya, made plans for his leaving "culture." ”

“ People from miles around who got wind of the news (he was a very smelly elephant) rushed to the docks to watch, or climb to the tops of buildings with binoculars. And when Rubin climbed ashore on Ellis Island, the city was thrown into a panic.
It seems that Cassius began conferring at once with two of the immigration officers about entrance into the country. This was flatly refused by the officials, who cited a weak clause in the handbook which excluded all uncivilized beings; and anyone could see that Cassius was uncivilized,—whoever heard of wearing lavender earmuffs with an English tweed? ”

“ So we arranged to hang the Aardvark and the elephant under the ship while the Valkyries and myself rode upstairs.
But not only did Dawson get paid twice as much as he should have, he wanted the Aardvark and Rubin the elephant to work their way in. He whispered something to Cassius and Rubin and then came aboard. When the elephant and our hero were slung under the ship, the leaky tub sank so low into the water that it was wetter on the bridge than it was under the ship. We got under way shortly and as we sailed around under cover of darkness we heard a weird sound. ”

“ When Ellie left her job as waitress to marry Ted Hayes they went into a small house, just around the corner from the rooming house where Ada lived.
"Come live with us, mother," said Ellie. "Ted wants you to."
"Oh, no!" Ada replied. "I'll have my own place, though it is only one room."
It was some years ago that Ellie went around with the letter. That time stood out clearly for Ada. The young folks had not started their family early. Then there were two boys, Carl and Alfred. Sometimes Ellie brought the children to her mother's room. ”

“ We seated ourselves in a booth next to the Valkyries who were fast at work guzzling beer. Rubin just stood with one foot on the brass rail, which at the application of his weight, bent. He ordered another double double scotch and in one gulp downed it. It was then that the elephant began screeching in an unelephantlike way and kicking himself in his more than ample posterior. ”

“ He is so filthy that his clothes stand up by themselves when he takes them off at night. And the smell! WHEWWW!! Hawser Dawson smells like Mrs. Murphy didn't get home with the eggs in time. He is dirty, smelly, and dumb besides, but he is loyal and one of the best tugboat captains that ever tripped on a two inch line.
We had arranged to get the Aardvark and his buddies into the country under cover but I had forgotten to mention to Hawser how big the group was. When Hawser saw the elephant he almost fainted. ”

“ Wants to go into commercial art. It's funny, neither Ted nor I can draw a straight line. Ted wants Alfred to learn a trade. He says we can't afford to give the boys extra advantages. We still have a mortgage on this house. Ted had an operation and lost a lot of time at the factory. It's always something."
Howard reached for his sister's hand. "Don't discourage the boy," he said, "You folks are all I've got. I'll see that the boys get their chance, if you and Ted will let me."
"Oh, Howard, you're sweet." Ellie brushed tears from her eyes.
Ada moved closer. ”

“ Dianne, as many other countless millions of girls, had been ordinary; the typical American maiden. (Clark could disagree with that.) She has been living in Los Angeles when the war came and disturbed the routine, the everyday life of everybody. Her parents had died in that murderous '62 blitz, and left her homeless when she was about ten. When civilization had crumbled, her own world gone, she found herself one of the tearful few left, living in the hills around the devastated cities. One of the very few. She had lived, just as Clark had, on Nature, and had found it to be ... ”

“ H-he wants to take care of you. He wants you to stop working."
"How does he know I'm working?"
"I told him. And that you won't come with us because you think you'll be a burden on Ted. As if—"
"Oh! Squealing to your brother who did not write to us for half a life time. The trouble and worry he caused me when he ran away! Having the neighbors talk about us more than before! I'm ashamed of you, Ellie! Where's your spunk?"
Ada remembered how patient Ellie was that day. How hard she tried to explain. How she said: "Please! Howard wanted to make good before he let us hear from him. ”

“ Yeah, good old Charlie Smirtz, that's me. I had been waiting on the Island for a shipload of animals from Africa and being a producer of some reknown, saw the latent possibilities in the appearance of these, and I use the term loosely, people. ”

“ At Penhryn's look of amazement, the verger smiled, reflected a bit, and said: "Oh, we've had other misfortunes here, worse than that. Why the west tower has come down four times since their time. And fires without number are always breaking out and always had been." The verger went on to recount other calamities suffered by the cathedral. ”

“ With a significant look we aroused Rubin, whose moustache had begun to droop sadly, climbed upon his back, and amidst the clatter and crash of beer bottles, escaped the "Drunken Cockroach Nightclub." Like I said, what a night!
CHAPTER 6
NONE SO BLIND AS LOVE
These were the times. The good times that I still remember as I rock back and forth before my fire. Eh? Whassat? Oh, yeah, less ruminating and more expostulating. Heh, that's a good one, sonny, but don't be gettin' flip with me ... old Smirtz can still tan the hide off'n any young whipper snupper like you. ”

“ You see Aardvarks can live only in the warmest places. So, when the Aardvark got lost in the Swiss Alps, he was very uncomfortable. Don't ask me how an Aardvark got to the Swiss Alps or what he was doing there in the first place. He's never told anyone, except maybe the Valkyries. ”

“ After the preceding formality had been dispensed with, introductions went around and the Aardvark found out the fact, which is of practically no use to anyone, that the Valkyries' names were Olga and Ketanya Schwartz. Very old lineage, this name. The elephant, who had been sitting by looking very bored about the whole thing, was named Rubin. ”

“ The Valkyries, it seems, were delivering a package of lemon flavored Jell-O to the cook in Valhalla, and en route, had gotten frozen in the ice. The elephant was their mode of conveyance since all the good horses had a day off and went to the people races at Lowaleah.
The Aardvark heard all of this in a rather detached way, for you know most Aardvarks can neither talk, write, nor understand human language.... The Valkyries who perceived this deficiency were contemplating giving the Aardvark some of their Valkyrie Local Number 86112 Magic, Pat. ”

“ The investigators, taking much of his delirium babbling into serious consideration, had medical examinations made of the relics. One osseous remain—that which the drugged monks had blasphemously reverenced—had been non-human and unhallowed; a spurious relic passed off as genuine. The substitution was made obviously by a hidden Satanist, mocking the Church, as the Gothic carvers had, and the witch covens. ”

“ Then he signed the contract, and so commenced the partnership of Smirtz, Aardvark, Schwartz, and Rubin, Inc.
CHAPTER 4
THE CARBUNCLE VOYAGE
After the signing of the contract, Cassius and his companions retired to the harbor to wait till I had made the arrangements. Late that night, very late (about five o'clock) , a small tug pulled up to the island and out came one Hawser Dawson. I can truthfully say that Hawser is the mouldiest looking animal ever to set foot upon dry land. Or wet water, for that matter. ”

“ He creates an argument that really isn't an argument. CP was a comedy, anyway, and it was supposed to create a laugh, which it did.... This is the first time I have heard it classed as science fiction. [If memory serves, it was not Leverentz but the movie reviewer he quoted who classed "Crimson Pirate" as science fiction, thus reflecting the public opinion of sf.—Ed.] Not that science fiction is "respectable"—but Leverentz should have chosen a better example to illustrate his point.——Joe Semenovich, 155-07 71st Avenue, Flushing 67, New York. ”

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SSR PUBLICATIONS consists of A. C. Leverentz, R. E. Briney, and W. P. Ganley.
Editor: W. Paul Ganley
Cover by Charles Momberger (see editorial please) . ”