Various

“ Norman testifies, is a vast system of competitive examination tempered by bribery. Those who come out successfully in examinations—the subject-matter of which is knowledge of the works of Confucius, the history of China, and the art of writing as practised by the old masters—have berths found them under the Government. They are sent all over the country to be magistrates, generals, ship captains, engineers, without having the slightest acquaintance with details or systems over which they are put in a position of command. ”

“ House listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind engrossed by imperial cares, could find time to think out schemes for easing the pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting operation of Parish Councils Act. Only, somehow, there was left on minds of hearers a strong impression that working-men magistrates are a mistake, and the Parish Councils Act a public injury, of which the Government ought to be more than ordinarily ashamed. ”

“ Patent leather shoes shall invariably form a part of the grande tenue of the Club, with high heels at discretion.
4. Football shall be played with a light india-rubber globe, and "pushing" shall be strictly forbidden. However, it shall be permissible for one player to hold an opponent tightly by the hands if the former thinks the latter is about to give it "quite a hard kick" with her toe.
5. No angry language will be allowed, but one member may tell another, in the height of an exciting contest, that she is "a spiteful, disagreeable old thing." ”

“ The seniors of our class are thoroughly reliable old fools, and Past Grand Masters in the art of ineptitude. We, fools as we are, know how to pay the proper respect that is due to senility and second-childishness. ”

“ Only ladies shall be permitted to watch the game of the members, as a rule. However, at times when everyone is looking her best, individuals of the inferior sex shall be admitted to the football ground or cricket field, on the condition that they "promise not to laugh." ”

“ Players at football, cricket, and other games sanctioned by the Association, shall have full liberty to make their own rules and keep their own appointments. They will be usually expected to wait until a match is finished, unless called away to take a drive in the Park, or do a little shopping.
9 and Lastly. As women are as excellent as men at field sports, the members of the Club shall be entitled to the franchise. ”

“ Some men would thereupon have resumed their seat. Vicary, his soul athirst to have something 'taken down,' moved on to the Front Opposition Bench, and shouted his desire in Mellor's left ear. Then Logan suddenly loomed large on the scene. Hayes Fisher reached forth a red right hand and shook him by the collar. Next an anonymous Irish Member fell over the bench on to Saunderson's knee, and was there incontinently but heartily pummelled. After that chaos; all arising out of Vicary Gibbs's insatiable, uncontrollable desire to have something 'taken down' in the sacred name of order. ”

“ Well, I wish you'd sit still, old fellow, and not fidget with the reins. You're fretting that leader awfully.
Officious Friend. Confound the leader! Leaders, equine or—otherwise— (sotto voce: I was going to say asinine!) —are so apt to give themselves airs, and fancy they're pulling all the weight. ”

“ However, the pleasure of the artists is not to be considered when the recreations of Brixton and Tooting are at stake.
APRIL FOOLOSOPHY. (By One of Them.)
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Well, this only shows our valiant disregard of danger, our readiness of initiative, our championship of forlorn hopes. We are the heaven-sent leaders of all "New" enterprises, whether literary, theatrical, or artistic. It is we who penetrate the mysteries of Bodleyosophy, Beardsleyotechny, and Yellow Astrology. We are the real and only Mahatmaniacs, Sexomaniacs, Miasmaniacs. ”

“ There is the Parish Councils Act, for example; one of those pieces of legislation with which a reckless Radical majority has embarrassed an ancient State. This law has to be administered by people unlearned in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a step [pg 168] without having sixteen volumes of the statutes at large tucked under their arms. What the benevolent and thoughtful Markiss suggested was, that in all future legislation there shall be reprinted sections of Acts of Parliament referred to in text of Bill. ”

“ In a controversy so acrid that George Osborne Morgan has been publicly accused of profligacy, men will, it is too obvious, go any lengths. At present there is nothing that can be called evidence to connect Cranborne's sudden indisposition with current controversy. ”

“ However, this is an Oscarian paradox, which the Divine Williams has previously plagiarised, and enlarged on at some length, so we will pass on.
Fools build houses, but wise men live in them. Exactly so; we are the architects of this generation. The wise man depends on us for his roof and lodging ”

“ Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite Early English, anyway. (To her companion.) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round arches that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?
Her Comp. No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in the idea.
The Lady with the M. I do wish you took more interest, dear. Look at those two young men who have just come in. They don't look as if they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of the Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what I like to see!
The Verger. That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. ”

“ Among our ranks you will find the Women who Did, the anticonjuGallias, the shedonKeynotes, and all their attendant and Discordant tribe of Jack-asses. We are the elect and proper bell-wethers of mankind. ”

“ Vote on Account under discussion; this covers multitudinous items; every spending department of State concerned. When Committee of Supply deals with Army Estimates, Cawmell-Bannerman and the Winsome Woodall in their places. The rest of Ministers may go away, knowing that everything is well. The same when Navy Estimates are on, or when particular votes in the Civil Service Estimates are to the fore. Ministers of particular departments affected in their place; the rest at liberty.
To-night, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed to stop away—all but the faithful Hibbert. ”

“ A. No; because it is highly probable that you will be mistaken for a newspaper Art critic, and respect for the Press in Art circles is universal.
Q. Are not artists, as a body, a community of highly accomplished gentlemen? ”

“ BISMARCK'S EIGHTIETH BIRTHDAY: A TARDY TRIBUTE.
[Last week the Emperor of Germany presented Prince Bismarck with a sword sheathed in gold as a birthday present.—Vide Daily Papers.
A Historical Parallel.—"The notice you have been pleased to take of my labours, had it been early, had been kind; but it has been delayed till I am indifferent, and cannot enjoy it."—Extract from Dr. Johnson's Letter to Lord Chesterfield, February 1755.
[pg 159]
AN INNOCENT.
Sportsman (who has been training a "Dark 'Un" of his own for the "Grand National") . "There, my Boy, there's a Fifty to One chance for you! ”

“ THE STUDIO SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.
Question. On what occasions do you particularly seek the studios?
Answer. On two Sundays in the year—the consecutive sabbaths devoted to the exhibition of proposed academy pictures by "Outsiders," and "A.'s," and "R.A.'s."
Q. Do you haunt the abodes of artists at other times? ”

“ Happily it turned out that the depression of the Markiss had nothing to do with the condition of the heir of Hatfield. His sympathetic heart been touched by difficulties that environ a worthy class of men whom Lord Chancellor, conscious that Cobb's eye is upon him, has recently been making magistrates. "Excellent persons," says the Markiss; "self-made men. ”

“ Hibbert's agony of mind at this juncture would have softened harder hearts. An elderly hen, that has counted its brood seven times, on each occasion finding one or two missing, not more perturbed. Looked up and down Treasury Bench. Robertson, not within sight; might be below the Gangway. Vain hope. For Members opposite interest in Peterhead Harbour growing keener and more urgent. Francis Powell, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report progress. ”