Various

“ That Rembrandt, Holbein, Rubens and Vandyck were never hung at the summer exhibition. [Pg 150]
That Botticelli, Correggio and Titian managed to rub along without that privilege.
That the ten-guinea frame that was bought (or owed for) this spring will do splendidly next year for another masterpiece.
That the painter must have specimens of his best work to decorate the somewhat bare walls of his studio.
That the best test of a picture is being able to live with it—or live it down—so why send it away from its most lenient critic? ”

“ When it is poised between thumb and finger, it becomes a living thing—it moves with the pulsations of the living heart and thinking brain, and writes down, almost unconsciously, the thoughts that live—the words that burn.... It would be difficult to find a single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn for a lesson in pure and elegant English."—Miss Corelli in "Free Opinions Freely Expressed." ”

“ And therefore we keep safely locked up in a little room a tame man of this description. He may not be much to look at, but his sympathies are right, unerringly right. He sits there from nine till six, and has things to eat now and then. We call him the Thrillometer."
"How wonderful! How proud you should be Horace, to be a part of this mighty mechanism, the press."
"I am, aunt. Well, the duties of the Thrillometer are very simple. Directly a piece of news comes in, it is the place of one of the Sub-Editors to hurry to the Thrillometer's room and read it to him. ”

“ Now that the painful month of suspense in Studioland is at an end, it behoves us to apply our most soothing embrocation to the wounded feelings of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their way back from Burlington House. ”

“ No one holds the secrets of the press more sacred than I."
The Sub-Editor settled himself more comfortably in his chair.
"You see, aunt, the great thing in an evening paper is human interest. What we want to get is news to hit the man-in-the-street. Everything that we do is done for the man-in-the-street. ”

“ Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them without any leading at all.
To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for waiters, than waiters for gentlemen. ”

“ EDITORS
["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they marry—just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and its merry ways."—Round About.] ”

“ Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are all conspicuously wanting."—The Thunderer. ”

“ If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some one to sing a song.
The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore. ”

“ There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold.
When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to look for it is the place where he has lost it. ”

“ He fell asleep over a club raid, and a very good one too, when I said it was in Soho; but when I told [Pg 116] him of the next—also in Soho, chiefly Italian waiters—and said it was in the West-End, his eyes nearly came out of his head. So you see how useful the Thrillometer can be."
"Most ingenious, Horace. Was this your idea?"
"Yes, aunt."
"Clever boy. And have the other papers adopted it?"
"Yes, aunt. All of them."
"Then you are growing rich, Horace?"
"No, no, aunt, not at all. Unfortunately I lack the business instinct. Other people grow rich on my ideas. ”

“ When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason people never confess that they have editors in the house.
Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather than the exception. ”

“ The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into some hospital. ”

“ The writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole business. One story, after all, is very much like another (in your case, probably, exactly like another) , but you can at least in your covering letter show that you are a person of originality. ”

“ To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision. Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is able to discover objects at the [Pg 64] greatest distance with the naked eye, which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was rich. ”

“ Frame Maker (in ecstasies) . "By Jove! Jemima—every one of 'em on the line again!"
[Pg 128]
HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR
Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the way to write for the press, feels that there is at least one important subject not properly explained therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore proceeds to supplement this and similar books.... It is, however, when your story is written that the difficulties begin. Having selected a suitable editor, you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter. ”

“ Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive advertisement column from the most unpromising material. ”

“ Amateur Artist (to the carrier) . "Did you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?"
Carrier. "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'—but—lor' how they did laugh!"
[Pg 108]
Artist (who has recommended model to a friend) . "Have you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"
Model. "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so I come away!" ”

“ Literary Gent. "Oh yes, lots"— (Surveyor brightens up) —"unpaid!"
[Pg 125]
"There's a boy wants to see you, sir." "Has he got a bill in his hand?" "No, sir." "Then he's got it in his pocket! Send him away!"
[Pg 126]
What our Artist has to put up with.
He. "By Jove, it's the best thing I've ever painted!—and I'll tell you what; I've a good mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wedding present!"
His Wifey. "Oh, but, my love, the Morisons have always been so hospitable to us! You ought to give her a real present, you know—a fan, or a scent-bottle, or something of that sort!" ”

“ A. The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer.
Q. Why is America like the act of reflection?
A. Because it is a roomy-nation.
Q. Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase?
A. Because she is an objet de looks.
Q. How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman?
A. Because he always is a true-Roman.
Q. Why is my game cock like a bishop?
A. Because he has his crows here (crozier) .
COUPLET BY A CYNIC
(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show)
Philistine art may stand all critic shocks
Whilst it gives private views—of pretty frocks! ”

“ Not only would you be doing a work of charity to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be conferring a real benefit upon English literature—as I have already received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having allowed them to peruse this manuscript. ”

“ Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister.
What is done cannot be underdone.
You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail.
Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime.
No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head. ”

“ Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors, while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder.
[Pg 15]
Country Cousin (looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue) . "Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"
Uncle (who has been dragged there much against his will) . "Eh! What? 1, 3——Oh, Telephone number!"
[Pg 16]
In the Artist's Room.—Potztausend. ”

“ Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian.
He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease.
Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's.
The Best Text-book for Pugilists.—Knox on anatomy.
Acrobats' Tipple.—Champagne in tumblers.
[Pg 11]
What our Artist has to put up with.—Fond Mother. "I do wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference." ”

“ I should like to know who you would consider a finished artist?"
Criticus. "A dead one, my boy—a dead one!"
[Pg 28]
Stale News Freshly Told.—A physician cannot obtain recovery of his fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient.
Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared by the broker.
A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making all she has the proper-ty of her husband. ”

“ The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning of his life.
If you wish to borrow £5 ask for £10.
WHAT BROWN SAID
Scene—Hall of the Elysium Club
Enter Smith, F.R.S., meeting Brown, Q.C.
Smith. Raw day, eh?
Brown. Very raw. Glad when it's done.
[Exit Brown, Q.C. Exit Smith, F.R.S., into smoking-room, where he tells a good thing that Brown said.
[Pg 63]
AT THE ACADEMY
Miss Jones. "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?"
Eccentric Artist. "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!" ”

“ Scene—Miss Semple and Dawber, standing near his picture.
Miss Semple. "Why, there's a crowd in front of Madder's picture!"
Dawber. "Someone fainted, I suppose!"
[Pg 142]
AN ARTISTIC EPISODE
["Incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of genius.... The collector wants only the thing that is rare, and therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can."—Daily Chronicle.]
Josephine found me stretched full length in a hammock in the garden.
"Why aren't you at work?" she asked; "not feeling seedy, I hope?" ”

“ To find the value of a Friend.—Ask him to put his name to a bill.
To find the value of Time.—Travel by a Bayswater omnibus.
To find the value of Eau de Cologne.—Walk into Smithfield market.
To find the value of Patience.—Consult Bradshaw's Guide to ascertain the time of starting of a railway train.
Note by a Social Cynic.—They may abolish the "push" stroke at billiards, but they'll never do so in society.
From our own Irrepressible One (still dodging custody) .—Q. Why is a daily paper like a lamb? A. Because it is always folded. ”

“ Hear!"
[Pg 121]
"After the Fair." (Country cousin comes up in August to see the exhibition of pictures at the Royal Academy!) .—Porter. "Bless yer 'art, we're closed!"
Country Cousin. "Closed! What! didn't it pay?!!"
[Pg 122]
Jones. "How is it we see you so seldom at the club now?"
Old Member. "Ah, well, you see, I'm not so young as I was; and I've had a good deal of worry lately; and so, what with one thing and another, I've grown rather fond of my own society."
Jones. "Epicure!"
The True Inwardness of Art.—Photographs by the Röntgen rays.
Man who has a Turn for Music.—An organ-grinder. ”

“ A visit to an artist's studio.
[Pg 113]
He. "Awfully jolly concert, wasn't it? Awfully jolly thing by that fellow—what's his name?—something like Doorknob."
She. "Doorknob! Whom do you mean? I only know of Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Handel——"
He. "That's it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!"
[Pg 114]
OUR ARTIST
"If you please, sir, here's the printer's boy called again!"
"Oh, bother! Say I'm busy."
[Pg 117]
"'Tis hard to give the hand where the heart can never be!" SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
[Pg 118]
"Only this" SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
[Pg 119]
Horse Dealer. ”

“ Showman of Travelling Menagerie. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the 'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage, dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"
[Pg 182]
To Billiard Players.—If you would obey the rules of billiards, always attend to the cannons of the game.
The Suspensory Act.—Hanging the Academy exhibition.
In the Billiard Room.—Major Carambole. I never give any bribes to the club servants on principle. ”

“ Doubtless, his performance will be a solo on one string.
Sporting Prophet (playing billiards) . Marker, here's the tip off this cue as usual.
Marker. Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, as they never come off.
Art Dogma.—An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as when he is drawing her a cheque.
The United Effort of Six Royal Academicians.—What colour is it that contains several? An umber (a number) .
Mem. at Burlington House.—A picture may be "capitally executed" without of necessity being "well hung." ”

“ Artist (who thinks he has found a good model for his Touchstone) . "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?"
Model. "Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth, sir, thank y' sir!" ”