Wallace Irwin

“ I THOUGHT I would write up what I done into some sort of a Dairy and drop same into the Artick Sea in hopes it would float to Hackensack, N.J., where my cousin Fred works in a garage. Folks ain't going to believe this here. That's the saddest thing about the Explorer business. You risk your life sewed up in a bearskin rug in a latitude where raw dog is a luxury and the theemometer thinks it's sunstruck when it climbs as high as zero, and what happens to you when you arrives home and tells same to friends? “Where you been?” they inquires suspicious. “North Pole,” you responds. ”

“ Dr. Snook began pacing up and down a-thinking what to say next; but Sleary had an inspiration and says to his stenographer:
“Our sufferings now become something terrible. My colored porter, Matt Hanson, F.R.G.S., trudged faithfully along, still carrying my umbrella and dress-suit case. I left Captain Bartlett drinking tea on the 87th Parallel with instructions to sit on it till I came back. At the 89th Parallel I stopped and let Hanson brush my hat and coat. I then tipped him 50c. and told him to go back to Boston and wait for me. He refused and insisted upon accompanying me to the Pole. ”

“ It was Commander Sleary talking to Week-End-Bob.
“Boy,” says Sleary, “would you mind showing me to the North Pole?”
“For 65c. I would do anything,” replies Week-End in the liquid language of his tribe. So, without another word, the Eskimo and the Commander and his Artick poodles disappeared in the direction of the Refrigerated Silence.
About a minute later I heard a voice on the other side of the house. Squinting out I seen Dr. Snook in earnest conversation with Jam-Bill.
“Noble savage,” says Dr. Snook alluringly, “what will you take to guide me to the top of the world?” ”

“ I aims at one with a gun, but Alec rushes up and says, “Cheese it! them's human inhabitants!” And sure they was! They was the natives of the island. The males was called Eskimoses and the females Eskimisses. ”