Wallace Irwin

“ Peebles being elsewhere, at bridge—the lord of Radio slunk into the new wing of his house. A temptation had entered the busy brain under the hairless skull; wherefore he turned the key behind him as he came into his unfinished billiard-room. The place smelled of fresh plaster. Boldly outlined under the cornice, he could see the object of his adoration, the historical fresco over which his son Lansing had labored spasmodically for many weeks. English archers were speeding their gray goose quills above the window-cap. ”

“ I want you to mind Captain Annister and do everything he says. He is the finest gentleman I know, and can teach you all sorts of things which will make me proud of you.
I want your life to be full of happiness, dear boy—not the wrong kind of happiness which will bring you into bad company and low ideas, but the kind that makes you grow straight and not the servant of any man. Take plenty of exercise out of doors, the way the best people do. Learn how to be good to dependents under you without giving in too much. ”

“ So I amount up ladder with Hon. Bucket inclosed in my knuckles and numberous rags embraced by my suspenders. Uply and more uply I march until I was there looking Hon. Window in the face. So I begin to wash him.
Mr Editor, the simplest things in life seems the most simplest when they are not. Do it not seem easy to your educational brain for a Japanese Schoolboy to carry sudds up ladder and apply him to window pain by rubs of rag? And yet such work are full of complex.
No sooner I begin attacking this job than I dishcover how Hon. Window Wash must be like a juggle in a circus. ”

“ This Cycle may be taken, perhaps, not so much as a living record of human experience as a lofty parable sounding the key-note of all human life. Gill the Grip is the Iago, the Mefistofele, the symbolism of a malevolent destiny. Maxy the Firebug may be the Poet's interpretation of the Social Unrest, of Doubt, of progressive irresponsibility. Would it be going too far, then, to say that Pansy stands to us as the symbol of Pan-girlism—as an almost Anacreontic yearning for the type? ”

“ Bombs get freedom for persons?” I exemplify.
“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional gentleman make step-up to me with hand-clasp [276] full of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom for Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ what I reply to them speek? I reply, ‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom you require for Hon. Russia and do not worry about returning it.’”
“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese samurai should not enjoy fear of explosions.”
“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I am merely modest about loud noises.” ”

“ Only the buzzing of the electric shampoo, singing unpleasantly like a dentist's burr, broke the stillness of that dreadful place where, row upon row, many sheeted patients lay—etherized, perhaps—under the instruments of the white-clad surgeons who bent over them. Here there was none of the slipshod sociability prevailing in Sycamore Creek's leading barber-shop. Even the manicurists, flitting daintily from chair to chair, had somewhat the appearance of Red Cross nurses administering first aid. ”

“ The coastwise sailor and the deep-sea tar, world-weary and throat-parched, perhaps from unaccustomed contact with dry land, turn eagerly from the piers to the gaudy-faced saloons which smile brilliantly, like volcanic islands, along the dun and troubled billows of the water-front. The more discriminating 'longshoremen shun these rather too obvious grottos of enchantment and steer a direct course up Pacific Street to scatter careless silver at "The Old Anchor" or "The Sailor's Rest." ”

“ Annister hedged, "I want you to watch him closely. He's the most famous head-waiter in America."
"That will he amusing, wont it, Uncle Ced?" The boy's eyes were glued on the door, for all the waiters in the room whipped napkins over forearms like a comic-opera chorus awaiting the rise of the curtain. Pierre at the floor was gazing down the hall, and his watchers could see how the movement of his eyes presaged the coming event. Laughter could he heard afar, outside the great door at the opposite end of the room; then a company of evening-clad people brightened the Peacock Room. ”

“ I almost dragged the peculiar financier into the car. If I pride myself on anything it is on my fine business instinct. I saw here a chance to make a two-bird killing. I could sell my car at a profit and talk the old man into the Trans-Universal Starch Co. again.
"Go out on the Pelham Road," I said to Rasmussen. I bristled with arguments, but Leonidas quelled me with a monologue. He had the psychology of a frog. Approach him, and he mopes forever under a stone. But let him once start croaking and there's no power in heaven and earth that can stop his song. ”

“ Who was Findley?
“I’m afraid, Mr. Findley,” came the humble confession, “that we can’t trade on equal terms. I’d have to work a lifetime—”
“Why don’t you?” invited Byjo, his beard bristling with earthly contentment. “Anything better to do?”
“Well, I am devoting my life—”
“Then don’t look so solemn about it. You aren’t entering a monastery. It’s a gorgeous palace—glory unending. I’ve been at it ever since I was eighteen. Never knew anything about money and never wanted to. Don’t know what I get for my pictures—ask Kiku; she’s my business man. Doesn’t look starved, does she?”
Lance laughed. ”

“ And now, in this first year of the new century, the historic cup is refilled and tossed off in a radiant toast to Erato by Wallace Irwin.
The attribute of modernity is not given to every new age. The cogs in the wheels of time slip back, at times. The classic revival may be permeated with enthusiasm, but it is a second edition of an old work—not a virile essay at expression of living thought. ”

“ Mr Editor, did you ever stand with your fingers in warm dishwater thinking Thoughts. Such kind hotness surrounds your wrists that you feel poetical and disengaged. I am not suprised that so many servant ladies is such sweet singers while dish-washing. Their souls cannot remain hardened while their fingers is soaking in such pleasant soap sud. ”

“ XV The Sinful Rich go whizzing by all day In wealthy wagons, looking pert and swell; They get the ride, the Commons get the smell And full of thought and microbes wend their way. Maxy the Firebug says that Mammon's sway Is stringing Virtue to a fare-ye-well, But wait, he says, till Labor with a yell Soaks Mam a crack forninst the vertebray. The Rich, says Max, are simply dips and yeggs That lift the headlight beads from yaps like us; They pinch your pie, sew up our ham and eggs And leave us minus all that they are plus. ”

“ That is a nice fact to know about Mars, if nothing else is discovered. It is [262] pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other prophets say-so about it. It is sweet to thought that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene is inhabiting that Hon. Star. How much more dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. Mars was just one plain-finish Planet where refined persons could go after death to set inside their souls and get away from this noisy panick of ottomobiles! ”

“ A half-hour later we were seated at a small table, two empty glasses between us and the board liberally strewn with blue-prints, documents, and photographs. I paused, weary with speech, and mopped my brow. My heart was pounding wildly, for J. Whiffington Whack had just promised to take over the South Furia Pie-Dish enterprise at terms far better than I had ever dreamed of getting.
"I don't mind telling you," Mr. Whack assured me, as I sat folding up my documents, "you've got the manner that sells things in this generation—aggressive, self-assertive. You can't pussy-foot into success any more. ”

“ Sometimes I'm tired to death of being an actor, but I refuse to take up law or portrait-painting, simply because I'm trained for another field. Think over your talents, Henry. You can make the greatest servant in the world, but you'll never be anything else, because the word servitude is blown in the glass of your character."
"You mean you can't help me, sir?" Henry Brown's face was very white, his lips pressed together, his eyes lowered.
"Don't be absurd, my boy," said Hild in a more kindly tone
"Then I fear I must give you two weeks' notice, sir." ”

“ S. W. Peebles had made up her mind not to like Nevis Findley, the country-club set of Radio failed to share her prejudice. Nevis brought effulgence to the countryside. She had no great variety of clothes, but in defiance of social philosophers, she proved that clothes do not make the woman—not when the woman who wears them has the youth and beauty that dares laugh at dressmakers.
Nevis was no mere country lass. She had danced at college proms and golfed on the nine-hole course at Stockington. ”

“ A Poet, you see, is a guy that sees things what ain't there. To Garcia that load o' fertilizer was a shipment o' golden loot from Montezuma's treasure house; that snub-nosed, mildewed old tub he sailed was one o' them old Spanish terrors with gilt trimmings and real silk banners a-floating from the topmasts. Imagination! Garcia wanted to be a swashbuckler, but the Lolita was a measly small boat to do much swashing around in.
Garcia's crew was a sad bunch—a red-headed Cockney cook, escaped from Coronado, and a one-eyed Chinaman, name of Lee Bong. ”

“ Life is a combination hard to buck,
A proposition difficult to beat,
E'en though you get there Zaza with both feet,
In forty flickers, it's the same hard luck,
And you are up against it nip and tuck,
Shanghaied without a steady place to eat,
Guyed by the very copper on your beat
Who lays to jug you when you run amuck.
O Life! you give Yours Truly quite a pain. ”

“ But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.
I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” ”

“ In times of deep loss it is best to let grief have its way.
"After all," said Andalusia at last, in such a voice as Joan might have used before her wicked judges—"after all, taxis aren't so horrid as they might be; they jolt fearfully, and I don't think any one's life is safe in one—but otherwise we can learn to endure them."
"After all, a big car is rather clumsy in town," said I.
"Yes," agreed Andalusia. "Of course, taxis are only used by mere nobodies or people who are so rich they don't care. Nearly all of them splash grease and oil—I mean the taxis. ”

“ Bucket by elbow, hold Hon. Rags in teeth and splatter Hon. Window with what fingers I had left. In the meanwhile, what was Hon. Soap doing? When he got wet his nature changed and he imagined he was a snake. He would not stay where he was, but amuse himself by slipping off from everywheres I put him. Every time he fall, I must dutifully ascend down that ladder, pick him from grass, carefully descend upwards again and attempt to hang him somewheres where he would not make an eel of himself. I never seen soap so full of slyness. ”

“ Almost reverentially a menu-card was proffered to this epicure who, although he had frequented Tanquay's only for a matter of six months, had already established his prestige. Pierre's admiration for the man almost rivaled his idealization of that prince of gentlemen, Mr. Norris J. Vanderhuyden, after whom he had named his son and whose brilliant social career he had followed eagerly in newspapers and restaurant gossip. What won the heights of the waiter's regard for Captain Annister was his absolute taste in food and drink. ”

“ They forget to do their duty on sliding scale. Their eyes is overdone for tear drop with sweetheart thought of childhood. Numberous sighs is enjoyed while looking to them flowers, all hats is removed and for one noment of time that Custom House forget to think of Eternal Revenue on cigars, the patness of Jo-uncle Cannon and welcome to America by the Uncivil Service. Such is influence of Nature on savage persons. ”

“ But when your arms are full of girl and fluff You hide your nerve behind a yard of grin; You'd spit into a wild cat's face or bluff A flock of dragons with a safety pin. Life's a slow skate, but Love's the dopey gum That puts a brewery horse in racing trim.
EPILOGUE Kind reader, when you 'phone don't ask for me Enquiring how a Flossie should be won— There isn't any Rule Book, are you on? And Queenie can't be coaxed by recipee. Some girls like hard-luck music, minor key, Some like the Gas-car Gussie act, hot ton, Others are simply fierce for Jolly John Who loves to make a noise like repartee. ”

“ From his altitude he gained a picture of brocaded hangings and Italian furniture in the wide space below. The hall centered in human interest. Byjo, clad decently in blue, leaned against the big table and made animated conversation with Mrs. Peebles, who had the bright air of one engaged by the hour to talk to inmates of the zoo. Mrs. Findley, in a lavender gown which managed to betray its village origin, surveyed each detail of the Peebles’ magnificence in shy side-glances.
On the curved staircase opposite where Lance took in the picture, S. W. Peebles was coming down. ”

“ There was a terrifying pause as though doom impended for the unrighteous. "I've been thinking your case over," he repeated, "and I've come to the conclusion that I can find the man you want."
"Oh, thank you, Captain!" mumbled Pierre, giddy with the joyful surprise of it.
"You want a gentleman temporarily embarrassed for funds, as you say. One who is used to the world, good living and spending money well, and all that sort of thing." Annister still spoke in that oddly constrained voice.
"Yes sir," replied Pierre eagerly. "He should teach my son how to get on with tiptop families. ”

“ Theodore Roosevelt only more so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t. A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin. Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon. Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink? ”

“ The Hon. Vacuum that cleans, Mr. Editor, are like an ingrowing garden hose. He can inhale forever without coughing outwards. He are a species of mechanical snake whose breath always travels toward his tail. ”

“ Bombs is very wrong things to have around when you are disagreeable about anything. I ask to know; what would be result if all persons done that for argument? I am disagreeable about W. Furo who come around with Italian garlick in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am offended by Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of him because of? Must I explode all labour unions, Democrats, Christians and troubles of life, including Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about my refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? ”

“ THIS is why Henry Brown, valet, abruptly quit the service of Ronald Hild, actor, for whom he had slaved for nine long years.
Henry, tall, lean, sallow, by race some fashion of cockneyized Latin, came late one night to the great man's dressing-room and revealed the cause of his irritating delay: his wife had brought forth a child a week ahead of expectations. Henry was nervously elated—something different from the doglike servitor Hild had patronized these many seasons.
"We're all in the lap of the gods," said the pompous actor as he penciled his lashes. "Didn't know you were married." ”

“ Wouldn't let us boys in the shop say a word to customers. They got the wrong idea, those guys. It ain't healthy for a barber to keep still while he's shaving a customer. It's like filling a man with hot whisky and then stopping his pores. The death-rate among barbers has shot up like a rocket since that style came in."
By now a solid mask of thick lather covered my face, so, without fear of interruption, Hamilcar O'Brine, my gallant rescuer, was going full swing.
"No, sir, there's too much being said about silence in New York nowadays. ”

“ I exaggerate. “They will not keep in such climate.”
“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. “You are a wrong Japanese to speek such slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant Problemb!”
At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct [238] with wrists. My interior soul make kicking performance of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache I am a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron Takahira.
“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. “I am aware of being a Yellow Peril—to be also a Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. I am pretty pride about myself to be so much altogether.” ”

“ Now, why haven't you got any of it, Brown?"
"I'm only a servant, Tanquay." His voice was tired and sad.
"Only a servant! Why, man alive, don't you know you're the greatest servant in America? Traveling dukes and steel kings and theatrical managers ask for you and wont accept a substitute. In a year, Brown, I don't mind saying it now—there's a chance for you in the partnership."
"In a year?" echoed Pierre, and his voice seemed miles removed. ”

“ CAN AFRICA WAIT TILL MARCH 4TH? San Francisco, July 1st.
To Editor New York Newspaper who do it like Hon. Sampson & murder deceptive tigers with ham-bone of a mule.
Dear Sir—In Jambeezi Creek, majistickal river of darky Africa, nervous tense of suppressed excitement & impatient longing are being enjoyed by splandid menagerie of brutal beasts & curios residing there. Seldom have foliage of uncut Nature made such a nice invitation for a distinguished visitor to come and shoot at it. Seldom in Chicago was such 45-minute demonstration gave to One Man by a convention of entirely wild animals. ”

“ I exhibit.
“Togo,” cry Nogi, “New Year is for getting rid of sin. You have some expensive sin which you keep around—shampane, high-food, silk derby—New Year fine time to make swear-off of this.”
“I am ridiculous to laugh,” I commit, “what expensive sin I swear-off, please? I am enjoying too much poverty to be able not to get along without nothing which I haven’t not got, have I?”
“One expensive sin you have got which you might resolution to get away from,” magnify this Nogi, “you are educated to cigarette-smoking. ”

“ THE Captain's dinner was short, after the correct tradition of a gentleman about to go to the opera. When coffee was at last drawn from percolator to cup, the head waiter stood by the Captain's chair in an attitude which conveyed something beyond mere professional solicitude. The epicure set down his cup and granted the man at his side a look of approval.
"Excellent!" he said. "The lamb was very good—you might tell Bénoit."
"Thank you, sir," replied Pierre, more gratefully, perhaps, than the compliment required. ”

“ Because weak-drunk lead to strong-drunk, strong-drunk to powerful-drunk—and yet you say it! What for you teach Japanese Boy ‘Cold Water is the Drunk for Me’? Water lead to lemonade, lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, ginger-ale to beer-glass—sakes of living! ”

“ To go up on lofty thought & stay up there floating around without getting nowhere, that are job what lots persons do & say, ‘O my, I are so High Mind!’ But to go for trip in high air & know where you will arrive at—that are job for seldom and rare individuals. Such toply navigators can discover North Pole and become familiar with stars. ”

“ Tanquay resumed. "This is booked to be the biggest season Tanquay's has ever known. Not only are we pulling most of the official banquets away from the other fellows, but society is tagging us for all the swell private dinners—d' you see? Christmas is coming pretty soon, and Santa Claus will have a big bag of tips for you, Brown—more than you ever made in your life. You're not in the game for your health, are you, Brown?"
"I'm educating my son," replied Pierre, coughing feebly. "I want to be able to put aside enough so he can live like a gentleman on the interest. ”