Wallace Irwin

“ Bucket by elbow, hold Hon. Rags in teeth and splatter Hon. Window with what fingers I had left. In the meanwhile, what was Hon. Soap doing? When he got wet his nature changed and he imagined he was a snake. He would not stay where he was, but amuse himself by slipping off from everywheres I put him. Every time he fall, I must dutifully ascend down that ladder, pick him from grass, carefully descend upwards again and attempt to hang him somewheres where he would not make an eel of himself. I never seen soap so full of slyness. ”

“ Vacuum begin to act disturbed. That are sign he want to eat dust.
5—Find some dust. Lead Hon. Vacuum to this and say, “Sick him!” Snorts! Hon. Dust will jump to nowhere while Hon. Vacuum howell for more food.
What are this Hon. Vacuum, anyhows? Hon. Dictionary Book say “Vacuum are Nothing.” How could Mr. Danl Webster speak such untruth by his Dictionary? Vacuum cannot be Nothing and yet make so much noises.
This intellectual Vacuum machinery resemble ostriches in what they eat. He delight to sip up tacks, needles, buttons and other hard groceries. ”

“ In recent conversation which I overheard accidently while standing at key-hole, I hear you speak about one article of furniture which I am not familiar of. By the way you describe it, it sets in parlour like piano until it begins smoking like a stove; then you move it to library where it holds baby like a cradle and supports newspapers like a table! When you set it anywheres it moves nervusly from room to room, dropping dust like a elephant. It is a failure at everything around the house, yet you say [Pg 43] so that no home is complete without one. ”

“ Many husbands quit home because it is too beautiful. I realise that they do not know what is best for them. They are cross-eyed in their intelligence. Yet are it not better to permit them to be miserable in their own way, if this makes them happy? You must remember: Husbands should not be furniture for the home—Home should be furniture for the Husband. I speak this because I saw it.”
[Pg 48]
“Elsewhere is best place for such a wise servant!” snib Mrs. Fillups leaping to her feets. ”

“ When fatigue was too plenty for more exercise I stand on climax of that ladder holding sudds bucket in thoughtful position. Great thoughts can be obtained in such high altitudes, thusly perched with excelsior feeling of brain. Leaning against glass forehead of that bay window I could observe Nature acting as usual amidst houses where residences was. Walking amongst those houses I could [Pg 104] observe bill collectors, insurance agents and neighbours—which show that Trouble come wherever folks resides. ”

“ Mrs Mac Frenzie’s only extravagance are her stingyness. Careful in most everything, she become extra reckless when attempting to save 9c. Her thoughts are filled with skimmed milk & slaughterhouse steak. I am suprised Hon. U. S. Government do not hire her to saw off High Cost of Living before he start to grow any taller. I know because I seen it.
“Togo,” she require of me, “too much wealth is lavished in that soup you make. He is too thick.” ”

“ He look somewhat quaint. Paper bags is like spinach; they seem most beautiful when raw. It was alarmed for to see how Hon. Bag had shrunk away. He seemed insufficient for healthful family of four persons. Next time I must cook two. Howeverly, it was necessary to make most of what was, so I rolled Hon. Bag out longwise like a omelet. Then I surround him with meat and vegetables in diagram of beautiful art.
“Togo!” holla Mrs. S. W. Swingle exploding into kitchen suddenly like a gun, “Togo, what you been cooking to make my home smell like a fire-insurance?” She cough in soprano. ”

“ Pride filled me up. Folks often feels thusly before cyclones.
That p. m. Hon. Mrs arrive to kitchen where I was manufacturing pie with mushroom expression peculiar to cooks.
“Togo,” she denounce, “you sippose you can now start Hon. Ottomobile by your lonesome self?”
“No starter could ever be more scientific than me,” I negotiate, holding pie-crust on my wrists.
“Glad to hear!” she congratulate. “Hon. Mr. Hopp return to-night by 6.61⁄2 train. Feed 2 gals gasolene to Hon. Ottomobile and deliver Hon. Husband to me as soonly as possible.” ”

“ When I see how ambitious he look, I did one great heroism: I continued to wave red rag & rush towards them picnic folks so I could be there to protect them when Hon. Bull begin to hook. They was 48 feet ahead of me, but me & Hon. Bull run very fast. I keep ahead, because he stop to swear two or three times. We reached Hon. Fence together, just as Hon. Snow & Hon. Dilk was getting over with armful of family.
Roars!! That grand-square animal kicked me with horns so skilfully that I made airship movement & come down on fence just in time to help Hon. Dilk & family fall over. ”

“ Grasping ladder on my shoulder with military expression I walk around Hon. House to pick out one window what appear good natured & easy. More I looked less I could [Pg 101] decide. That Hon. House continue to gaze at me sternly like one octopus with 1000 glass eyes. At lastly I find one pompus bay window what set over front door presenting swelled appearance peculiar to Presidents.
I look thoughtfully upwards and make philosophy by myself.
“Window-wash are like Success,” I commute. “It are most pleasant to begin at the top and work downward. ”

“ I rip up carpets with strength peculiar to a giant full of steam. I throw him on clothesline and trott backwards for more. I bathe Mr Moon’s painted ancesters with soap-wash till they look nearly handsome. I polish floors, door, silver & hardwear with continuous rapidity. I wash stove with sudds and clean 14 pairs gloves with gasolene.
Then another breakage occur which were too bad. I was smoothing one snobbish-looking china-closet with rags, when I axidentally broke him endwise by dropping out of window. Mrs. Moon could not help from noticing. ”

“ Housekeeping. How can I do hired girl tasks, yet expect myself to command those harsh cranks and greasy energy what makes gasolene go? To make a chauffeur out of a cook are like making bullets out of buscuits. ”

“ My cookery is deliciously abominable, thank you, in that 1-8 size kitchen. Yet [Pg 154] those N. Y. persons is so refined they can disguise any taste by politeness.
“You have a chef, I suspect?” require one brokerish gentleman gnawing my chicken crokets.
“Two of them,” deceive Mrs Jinx with 5th Ave expression. I arrive to room looking proud with dishes. “This Togo are my faithful butler inherited from my grandfather who was a lawyer and kept many retainers.” ”

“ Mrs Jas Jones, as soonly as I was surprised as much as I could, “dishes like mine must not be washed brutally. They must be dishpanned like invalids.”
“I shall be trained nurse to them so much as possible,” I collapse. “Should I need toilet soap to wash such fineness?”
“Intellect are more important than soaps,” she explan. “Only once did I have a servant [Pg 65] lady with sifficient intellect to wash my dishes, but she would not remain. She are now in Colorado running for Congress.”
“How shall I do it to make scientific dish-wash?” ”

“ It was my duty to massage off the mahogany furniture in dining-room annexed to parlour, so how could I avoid overhearing what they said? I did not attempt to do so, however much I tried. It was my duty to polish that furniture in dining-room, so there I was. If ladies cannot keep their conversation hushed, Servants cannot make their ears behave. This is human-natural.
After dis-cussing topicks like baby, coal-bills & other luxuries, they commenced gossiping about some articles of furniture I could not understand. ”

“ Folks living in apartment house leads very up-and-down life. When they go outside they must be elevated downwards, when they return they must be vice versa. It are impossible to see how folks can be level in such home life, and yet it is.
Hon. Mrs Jinx, entirely Duchess appearing lady, meet me at doorway with Vanderbilt nose.
“This are my apartment,” she express, pointing to a hallway surrounded by [Pg 150] expensive looking cells filled with gilty furniture, pianolas, painted portraits, rugs and mahoganish tables resembling J. P. Morgan. ”

“ Folks must snug very snugly to snuggle into such a snuggery. On high top shelf was following books to show it was a library: “Pilgrum’s Progress,” “Life of John Drew,” “Bradstreet on Financial Failures,” “Blue Book of N. Y. Smarty Set.”
Under table was poker chips to entertain scholars while reading.
Nextly she show me kitchen. O shocks! It were size like the interior of a upright piano. Hon. Gas Stove look chilly from setting too close to Hon. Ice Box which was hot from contax with gas stove.
“This Kitchen are small but comfortless,” she explain braskly. ”

“ While thusly I argued, some ottomobile wheels could be heard walking below in front of house. I look downly and observe very fashionable appearance of society—one bloated gas-machinery stopping up near feet of ladder while one complete lady enwrapped in Arctic mouse-skins fur sat there talking Waldorf language to a chauffer of military pattern. ”

“ Siezer are absent attending other duties, Hon. Florence set hour by hour gazing upward at Hon. Dick, the cannary-bird, and wishing she had a baloon to obtain him with. When I approach this talented cat she make purr-song and slide around my ankles, requesting that I should give her Dick for lunch. I must refuse, out of politeness for Dick. Sometime Hon. Florence prefer fish. Then she walk up wallpaper like a fly and thusly arrive to shelf where Harry & Carry are swimming selfishly around in their toy ocean. ”

“ Swingle family so they will forgive me for my previous food. So I read this book and learn how do-so. I am incomplete in the American language, but this is how I understand him to say:
“How to Cook Paper Bags
“Select one paper bag which is fresh and tender. Medium-size kind are most delicate, as large-size kind are apt to be tough, especially in the fall. Butter this bag inside and salt tastefully. Use meat or whatever pork chops are in icebox to stuff bag with. Add one vegetable until satisfied. The bag is now ready to roast. ”

“ WHOSH!!
42 gallons selected rice make cyclone upon [Pg 131] hat-plumage of that Mrs Bride who escape with screem to carriage.
BOMB!!
12 complete carpet slippers hit Mr Bridebroom with accurate target-practice just as he was lifting his legs into that cab. More feetware mingled with rice arrive in droves and hit Hon. Carriage with angry strokes. My Samurai soul stood endwise with alarm. I should prevent this cruelty.
“O stop!” I holla, roshing forwards. “Why should you attack them young folks and drive them forth with brutality after what they has went through? ”

“ Baby make happy guggle to see me, so I know we should get very friendship together. I waggle my thumbs to him, so he make more laugh.
“DON’T!!” holla Hon. Mrs. “You wish explode my child’s nerves by this actions?”
“Are it injurious for childhood to laugh at my thumbs?” I ask it.
“Many children are spoilt forever by too [Pg 17] much laughter in infancy,” she explan. “I raise this child like I raise biscuits—by book. Volume entitled ‘How Do It to Grow Best Children’ tell me delicious nervus diseases what children will be entitled to if not careful. ”

“ It was wrote by a Kitchen Professor and bore this remarkable title:
“PAPER-BAG COOKING.”
This paper-bag food was invented by a French professor, I read. How economical those French can be! I thought. I had oftenly heard how French chef could make stylish meals out of mere remnants. They are famus for deceiving pork till it taste like chicken and giving boiled codfish the same expression as turtle soup. To such genius paper bags is easy problem.
I read this book reverentially. It say for Introduction:
“Paper bags when cooked properly contain new flavours you never would imagine was there. ”

“ So every one enjoys affliction in his own way.
Last Fryday, when I was in Hon. Kitchen manufacturing pies by baking it, Hon. Mrs approach up to me & explan,
“Togo,” she say it, “do you unstand picnics?”
[Pg 172]
“What kind of Gen. Housekeeping are that?” I ask to enquire.
“It are the only kind what can be did outdoors,” she report.
“How do you make a picnic?” are next question for me.
“Picnics can be manufactured by following recipee,” she snuggest:
“1st:—Fill an ottomobile with children, pie & other sandwitches;
2st:—Find a piece of Nature and set down on it with lunch ”

“ She revere her furniture and all her other ancestors. Each day she require me to stroke her mahogany lovingly with furniture polish.
This Hon. Lady are very superstitious about dirt. She think it are not clean to have around. She imagine dust, soot & mildew enter her house like a burgler and [Pg 136] Togo must be a policeman to arrest it when it gets inside.
“Togo,” she say, while I am enslaving myself amidst dishwater in kitchen, “I just heard a mouse making footprints in attic. ”

“ Sew-machines are different from pianos in several ways. Pianos are good for accompany ladies singing; sew-machines are useful for accompany ladies gossiping. This I notice.
Place at which I was most formerly employed was Mrs Jno W. Smith (pronounced the same way) who reside by her husband near Poison Ivy View, Conn.
This Mrs Smith have a mind full of drygoods. She speak of her friends in dressmake language entirely.
“Jno,” she say to her husband when they [Pg 28] set down for dinner-eat ceremony, “to-day I met the most charming Brussels lace with accordeon tassels at wrists and elbows.” ”

“ Vacuum supp up dust from this carpet, to where do it go to?”
She indicate Heaven with her thumb.
“Up there is grand blow-away hole which shoo it off,” she answer it.
So I continue on absorbing hairpins, string and other germs through that succulent machinery.
No lady I work for are equally balanced in their manias. Some are crazed about [Pg 7] houseflies; cookery seem to make others continuously het-up; others seem to reverberate with pain when mentioning clothes-starch. ”