Wallace Irvin

“ Darling?” she require each nightfall when he retreat home from office with tired business appearance. “When you are in house all furniture cease to act obedient like it should and everything become deranged apart. Door-knob then become hat-rack for your derby, your coat wanders to sofa and fall asleep, while shoes will be found under piano kicking mud.” ”

“ Science in kitchen, rugs, vacuum cleaners, babies etc is what I wish teach all homes. Can this be accomplish? Answer is, Yes!! For housekeeping can get to be a Science just like warfare and pulling teeth.
And in each of those letters scrambled together in this Book I show you how like a Scientist I behave; for Scientists learns big wisdom, does they not, by manufacturing wicked smells, explosions and unhappiness. I also learn knowledge of housekeepery that way, and if occasional folks expire dead from eating what I cook, they should not get irritable. ”

“ I fetch soup in plates to all those thanksgivers.
“Canned!” they yellup together with voice of sad chorus girls, while thrusting away plates.
“Nothing is real any more!” narrate Uncle Seth with dyspepsia. “Even turkies is deceptive. When boyhood days elapsed, I can remember how we was accustomed, on Thanksgive morning, to salute Hon. Turkey by chopping him in kneck with ax. We knew he was good to eat, because we seen how fresh he acted. But no more. Today, turkies lives like Eskimos—spending their old age on ice before meeting civilized persons. No respectable bird-dog would eat them.” ”

“ There stood one entirely enlarged buzzer washing his front thumbs.
With sneekret expression I borrow slipper from myself and stole forth. Crouches. Of finally, when Hon. Fly seem to be looking at his nose, I lep. Bangs! Yet he was too soon. He flew uply, aeroplaned circular for moments, and then—when less expected—start to fly outward through door.
O!! This escape must not! Slightly down hallway were child-room where Hon. Baby Alexander layed enjoying innocent nightmares. That fly must not arrive there to sting him with medical diseases. If no hero was there to save him who must? I must! ”

“ I notice great absence of that stiff-souled dignity peculiar to Japanese Ambassadors when thirsty for Oolong. Everybody acted like a divorce and some ladies appeared considerable Geisha.
Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones stand by rugs, with flirting expression and say, “Howdy, Freddy,” whenever Newport clothing arrive up. Musical orchestra from behind palm-bushes commence play “O You Gabble Gabble Glide” and nobody could prevent misbehavior of feet. Considerable gentlemen then obtain seizure of considerable ladies and commence circulating with stride away expression of knees. ”

“ When music play “All Persons Are Doing Something” she attemp to dissociate my spine by wig-wagging my elbows.
“Make your ankles more diagonal!” she declare with sweety schoolteacher face. I wish to ask her marry me, but wondered what might happen if I did. I make slight jiu jitsu to her wrist, but she got more stronger grippe while I jounce alternately like tables in earthquakes.
“My feet are filled with clumsies,” I narrate baffably.
“That are very valuable in Turk-trotting,” she say for sweetly smiling.
“So is?” I holla. “I always sipposed folks must be graceful to make dance step.” ”

“ I collapse. “American language have no beautiful words like ‘lustspiel’ and ‘Sauerbraten.’ Yet maybe they could use some baseball language so all could seem natural.”
“At any rates,” say Nogi, “it must be entirely enjoyous sensation to set in opera and know what they are talking.”
“Let us go and try one,” I snuggest with happy hat.
So we sonter forthly until we observe theater what say “Grand Opera—English Spoken here.” We encroach to door where bull-board pronounce, “Opera Longrin by Hans Wagner, Famus Cyclist.” ”

“ Fido abducting Hon. Turkey across alley by wing.
“Come backwards!” I yellup. Hon. Fido show no impression from my talk. I lep through window 71⁄2 feet to outside. Quickly reassuring my legs, I retreat after that slyly doggish annimle, but he scromble up fence with hooked claws resembling cats. Too late for me! Turkey had escaped from my Bulgarian catch-up.
Mr. Editor, heroes is most brave when reporting failures. I do this considerably. So I drag together my soul and encroach toward dining-room, where I could hear those 8 thanksgivers complaining about everything. ”

“ Grand Opera in English
To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who can be considerable comical without music,
Dearest Sir:—Cousin Nogi report to me recently with Oscar Hammerstein eyebrows.
“Togo,” he say so, “cannot grand opera be equally grand when pronounced in English?”
“Frequent theaters is now doing so with help of talented soprano,” I say it.
“So glad to hear!” contuse my cousin. “Nextly they will be singing Salome in Japanese, which will be nice education for Japan who wish to be educated so quickly possible, yet like to know what they are talking about while doing so. Now they can’t do, thank you. ”

“ St Claus bring it because you was truthful childs,’ we report. ‘How he get in?’ they ask to know. ‘He slid down chimbley-pipe,’ we say back deceptively. So merry Xmas is enjoyed by all.”
“Are it not somewhat sinful to relate them fibbulous tale to tender child?” I negotiate.
“Ah, no!” she abstract. “If childhood should not believe in St Claus, then most happy times would relapse forever. Togo, you must do everything what possible to make them believe in this whisker-gentleman.” ”

“ Togo’s Moving Day
To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who are still there, I hopes,
Dear Sir:—Kindly to please notice my detachment from employ of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Anna G. Sulkz, Cornstable, N. J. I shall tell you how they carelussly came to remove their home without including me among furniture.
One morning a.m. Hon. Mrs. arrive to kitchen and observe me singing Japanese opera amid dish-pans.
“Togo,” she say it, “date of Maytime will soonly arrive up. May Day are come when nervus prostration are enjoyed by all Homes which must travel for their health.” ”

“ She imagines to think home cannot be properly heated without a woman. She thinks shucks. Togo, we show her how. We shall now run this house man-style instead of lady-style. Bachelor Hall are only proper residence for male gentlemen.”
“I am agreeable for this,” I report fearlessly. “How should we begin changing the sex of this home?”
“Signs of refinement should be removed with immediate quickness,” he devolve. “Remove ribbons & home-sweet-home portraits from wall and order 6 cases beer. In attic you shall find complete college-boy outfit of Indiana clubs, box-gloves, and love-me pictures. ”

“ I reject while gliding my feet onwards and twining my chest in stroggle to follow her closely. “I shall not be a servant in such a fidgetty home. I shock! What is becaming of America? Instead of sipping tea, as formerly, they dance it. Instead of enjoying sociability with brain they do it with feet. They act midnight at five o’clock. Preachers come to preach and stay to120 prance. Therefore, I remove myself to some other jobs.”
“Jeems!” Hon. Mrs. holla to Hon. Buttler, yet still continue fantango whirling, “here are Japanese schoolboy who should be discharged to music. ”

“ Boss Man say he no care for breakfast in dining-room because it make him feel destitute. So he took egg and coffee in kitchen. He say he would be home indefinitely, so he depart off for office seeming entirely unmarried. ”

“ Cats.94 Then, by heroic movements of wrists, I pepper considerable salt straight into the face of that mad Chimbley. Yet he still continue on making Vesuvius out of himself.
What nextly must I do? I think of that fire-volume which say, “Human folks must be saved before all other furniture.”
So I scomper to bed-room, dragg forth one complete blanket & soush him in wet water of bath-tub. With these blanket held in my firm knuckles, I ascended downstairs to parlor where Hon. Mrs. Fogg set in her marcel hair and considerable expensive face-powder calling Mrs. Hassock a “Renig” in bridge-language. ”

“ I suggest for generosity.
“Your duties,” she utter, “is to keep high cost of living as low-down as possible. I expect you to buy food for our home, and to purchase it with such financial cuteness that everything will cost less than formerly. When Hon. Beefsteak cost 28c per lb. I expect you to chide him until he become more reasonable. Hon. Chicken must walk down from his 37c perch if he wish to join us at our table. Potatus, string-bean, butter and salad must also act less haughty in their prices if they wish to associate with us on bill-of-fare. ”

“ Cluck happy-home wakefulness when setting in that chair. Banzai! I stogger backwards with Edison feeling of thumbs.
Next a.m. while Hon. Mrs. were absentee at Dept Store squandering money on hair-pins, I approach Hon. Chair where husband love to dream. With artistic hammer & nails, I attach Hon. Chair to rope in next room which were pulled by neat derangement of pulleys. He were a Mawruss Chair, full of pads and very fat, and I was proud to see the expression of calm comfort what he wear while setting there awaiting happy home-come of Hon. Mr. Cluck. ”

“ Wife are sipposed to approach him with frightened elbows, daughter must be sipposed to ask for favors and not get it. All parties, presents, etc. are given by him. All servants must attend his selfishness while neglecting females around house.”
“I shall move to Japan!” he cheer up.
“You needs not,” I snuggest. “I shall be your Japanese slave and teach you how be Japanese father. Tomorrow a.m. you can commence ordering your home around like a floorwalker. Continually remember inferiorness of everybody but yourself and feel as sacred as159 possible. ”

“ When all foods was finished all retreated to parlor room where bridge-gamble was enjoyed till late night. At 1.62 oclock Mrs. Axweilder call Mrs. Whack an Ace & Mrs. Whack reply peevly, “Renig!” full of scorns. All make go-home agreeing how enjoyment that evening was.
At 2.11 clocktime, while those Axweilders was glad go bed, Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott set alonesome in parlor room where I could hear.
“Why do you bring those buffalo kittens to rage around this neighborhood?” she ask it. “One day more and I shall poison their foods.”
“They must get their fresh air somewheres,” he reprieve. ”

“ Furnace. This iron animal, Mr. Editor, lives like a very homely hermit in middle of low darkness. He set there in nest27 of ashes, with tin snakes growing from his forehead like zinc octopus. His teeth was full of blazes and he would of made a nice idol for Japanese to worship when feeling old-fashioned. I could not love his face which seem too hungry when open and too satisfied when closed.
“We never permit him to go out in winter,” narrate Hon. Mrs.
“I shall watch see he do not escape,” I promus with Wm. Jerome eyebrows. ”

“ Vices are like other kinds of furniture. Rich folks uses them first and only pass them on to poor folks when they are second hand. Thusly the slums are seldom safe.”
“After Tango is finished what new dance will explode in the Smarty Set?” are next question for me.
“Not sure,” Sydney say so with Harry Leer eyebrows. “Last week I hear how some high-style Newporters had gone to Africa for try dancing with some cannibles what knew some deliciously low down steps. But after the first dance they had to quit because they was ashamed.” ”

“ Too much fire make too much steam, too much steam make blow-off. Therefore fire must quit at oncely. With rapid coal-scuttle I make outrush to kitchen sink where I fill him with water and make back-rush to cellar. I open mouth of Hon. Furnace, and embracing my elbows, throw water with awful strength. ”

“ Women is becoming too brave and their skirts too shrinking. Hon. Comestop, who are not so strong as he were before he took up modesty as a business, fainted 21⁄2 times when he seen photos of Lady Bluff-Gorgon’s latest style-simpony entitled “Spring Twilight” and he have ordered entire U. S. Army to encamp at Custom House to stop it when she send over Fall-style walking-suit called “September Morn.”
Considerable ministers, judges and boss policemen has been talking like angry uncles to ladies because of the increasing decrease of their clothing. ”

“ Pumphrey, husband, come home saying scorn about flies.
“What are so fatalistic about this bug all of a suddenly?” he ask it. “In childhood of youth I was affectionately acquainted with flies. While enjoying cradle-ride of infancy, flies was allowed to buzz round my head like angel whispers. And yet I live.”
“Man who talk like that never had any infancy,” snagger Hon. Mrs. with peev.
“If folks in this neighborhood could pay less attention to screen door and more to window-lock there would be less burglary,” he otter. ”

“ I abject. “Ladies cannot live on potatus alone. I got 30c with which to obtain lunch for 3. From this I must extract 5c for trolley home-trip. What bill-of-fare can I purchase for 25c remainder?”
“Sardines,” he say, “are nourishing but they tastes lonesome without crackers. These rare fishes costs 20c per box and sifficient crackers to chaperone them would cost 7c. This would leave bonus of 3c for salt. Or if you would think it more delicate you might obtain 1⁄2 lb. cheese at 18c and 1 potatus at 7c.” ”

“ Instead of setting in hard, cheap chairs, you occupy wedding plush rocker, price 50$, which should be used only by society when it calls; you make smoke-cigar whenever you feel smoky; all time you read prize-fight instead of talking love to me, and each meal you demand apple pie with insurgent expression. ”

“ It was very hard science to describe this tango-waltz when I saw it, Mr. Editor. It are similar to a minuet danced by eels. Angry elbows seem to be slipping around everywheres while each ladies and gentlemen seem to be walking sidewise without intending to go there. Such117 chuckly movements of ducking away from music amid bounces! Such clutch and jolt containing great poetry! I could not unstand how persons could do this American jiu-jitsu without injurious breakage of their personality. ”

“ I assimulate her words with eyebrows.
“It seem insulting to sell so much wisdom for 15c,” I contuse.
“Recipes like this,” decry Hon. Mrs., “are good ways to know. Every servant girl, whether male or female, should read those ‘Dishcoveries’ & attempt to do so also. New things can be thought of only by thinking of something new. Therefore, remember I expect you to make some useful ‘Dish-covery’ each week you are in this home.”
With such language, she suddenly eloped away, leaving my hands in thoughtful dishwater.
Mr. Editor, it are easier to be Shakespeare than Edison. Hon. Shak. ”

“ It are wonderful79 how tall a short Japanese feels while standing on a ladder! I could distinctly see over fence into next yard where Hon. Swede lady employed for cook by Mrs. J. C. Camel was making flirting conversation with Hon. Ice Man. I also observe Hon. Cat obtaining slight refreshment of cream-pitcher from window while that Swede was too interested. I stood in joyful trance holding wet sheet while biting clothes-pin like wooden sigars. It make such inexpensive enjoyment for cool summer day to stand on ladder beholding other folk’s business! ”

“ Each morning after dish-wash ceremony is over & Hon. Furnace is fed for the day, you must promenade with basket to market where High Cost of Living resides. It is useless for you to squander $2 here & there in reckless provisions. I read in newspaper this morning how one delicious and nourishing lunch for 3 persons might be bought for 50c, including cost of gas to cook it with. ”

“ Sulkz had increased his salary so much he could afford to move into house like a library.
While thinking this intelligence I stood forth and command all those enlarged Vanners like Napoleon moving into France. Firstly we go to front door of new home for open him so furniture get in. How strange! Hon. Key seem disabled to unlock it. Howeverly much we twist and fubble, it make no impression on that brassy opening. ”

“ Sulkz, important gentleman of Senator Penrose resemblance, retire homewards that night, he look round with anxious thumbs.
“I wish women could vote,” he exaggerate, “because then they would get less time for housekeeping and home would be left comfortable once in a whiles.” ”