Catharine Esther Beecher

“ Why is it so common to see the children of rich parents growing poor and vicious, while the children of the poor grow up industrious, virtuous and rich? It is because the children of the rich are brought up in ease and indulgence, while the children of the poor are brought up to industry and self-denial. If any person will count up the rich men in our country, he will find, that not one in ten had rich parents. ”

“ There are plenty of receipt books in this country, that direct as to the kind of ingredients for food, and as to the proper quantities; but no knowledge of receipts can ever make a good cook.
The great art of good cooking is taking care. Take care that your fire is not too hot, nor too low—that your oven is not too hot, nor too cold—that your bread is not too much raised, nor too little; that your mixtures have not too much, nor too little of any particular ingredient.—It is care, care, watch, watch, that alone can secure the art of cooking well. ”

“ The fields were tilled and reaped, the food was cooked, the clothes were washed, ironed and mended, the rooms and furniture were kept clean and in order, and every thing went on pleasantly. Those who had the best rooms and clothes and the easiest work, tried to make it pleasant and comfortable to those who did the work. They felt that they had the best of every thing, not because they were better than the others, but because it was for the general good of all. ”

“ I will now show some of the reasons why the employment of a sempstress, a shop girl, and a factory girl are inferior in advantages and respectability to that of a domestic.
In all of these employments, a young woman has only one thing to do, from morning to night, and the kind of work she does in no way tends to improve her character, or to prepare her for domestic life. She is not constantly doing various kinds of work, under the direction of another, thus learning patience, submission, diligence and faithfulness. She is not learning how to economize, or keep house, or take care of children. ”

“ If a woman wears ever so elegant and expensive clothing, and yet her hair is in disorder and her dress untidy, every one feels that she is dressed in bad taste. If a woman has a small income, and yet appears in dresses and ornaments that are suitable only for persons of great wealth, every one pities or laughs at her for her want of taste and propriety. ”

“ I will therefore point out some of those respects, in which you need to attend to your manners, in order to be a good example to children, and to be fitted to appear well in any society in which in after life you may appear.
Good manners are the outward expression of kindness and good will, by which we endeavour to promote the enjoyment of others, and to avoid all that gives needless pain. Good manners lead us to avoid every thing that offends the taste of others, and to regard all the rules of politeness and propriety. ”

“ One of the greatest and most frequent trials of domestics is, the fault-finding to which they are constantly exposed. Now, whether a person deserves to be blamed or not, this is a great trial to the patience. If we are to blame, we not only are pained to see the mischief we have done, but we are pained to be reproached by others, and at the same time to feel that it is indeed our own fault, and that we deserve it. If we are not to blame, it seems very hard to be upbraided, but in many cases this is not half so hard to bear, as to be blamed when we know we deserve it. ”

“ Such a one will be loved and respected by all, and will constantly be receiving expressions of good will, esteem and affection. Her time, filled up with useful and benevolent deeds, will glide along, as on angels’ wings; while looking forward to Heaven as her sure and happy home, all the little troubles of life will seem light, and all its comforts will be doubled in value.
If, then, our happiness depends so much on the character we form, when we calculate the advantages of any situation, we should take into account the influence it will have on our character. ”

“ But that patient, humble, kind, gentle, benevolent temper of mind, that loves to serve God and do good to man, in all circumstances, and at all times, this is precious in the sight of God. And this temper of mind can be cherished and exhibited, as much in the kitchen as it can in the pulpit.—It can be shown, as much in providing food for a family, as it can in those schemes of benevolence which send missionaries and Bibles to heathen lands. ”

“ And yet, this is not half of the mighty power, which is given to domestics to use, either for good or for evil. All these children, who from generation to generation are thus influenced in character, by domestics who take care of them, are to live forever, and their happiness for endless ages, is to depend on the character [59] which they form in this life! Oh eternity! eternity! who can estimate the power of those who are doing so much, in forming the character of beings who can never, never die! ”

“ Now, if all this was demanded of those who were made to serve by force, what must be the duty of those who by their own will, or by the will of parents, go into a family to serve for a fair compensation previously agreed upon? They go into a family, where the house and all its furniture belong to their employers, who therefore, not only have power but a perfect right to direct how they shall be used. They put themselves freely under the direction of their employers, and agree to do their work as they wish it to be done, and they receive a reward for this service. ”

“ In a cold and selfish world, without guardians, without a home, without parental restraint and tenderness, each young child would go into the common herd, to grow up selfish, unhappy, unloving and unloved. ”

“ Why does every one call her vulgar and ill bred? It is because she goes up with a careless and disrespectful air to all she meets, and her tone and manner seem to say, “I am as good as you, and I mean to let you know it.” She tells just what she thinks about them, and their conduct, contradicts their opinions flatly, and makes no effort to show that she has any respect for them or their notions. ”

“ Those who are constantly doing something to promote the comfort of others should feel that they are “doing good,” as their daily business; while those who give only odd intervals for the benefit of others, and seek their own pleasure the rest of the time, should feel that they are the least useful part of the community. According to this, when the young ladies of a family, who have wealth, education and leisure, spend most of their time in seeking their own amusement, then those domestics, who toil all day in the kitchen for the comfort of others, are the most useful persons ”

“ Those who spend the most time in religious exercises and meetings, consider that it is important to do so, only because it tends to make them more like Christ—and those who think so much of baptism, and ordination, and of believing the true doctrines, suppose that these things are important, only because they will lead us to become like Christ. There is not any minister of any denomination, who, if you ask him about these things, will not tell you, that I am right in all I have said about this matter. ”

“ They can give employment to the poor, can give custom to the shopkeepers and tradesmen, can bestow money on charitable objects, can secure a superior education, and many other agreeable things that make it pleasant to others to associate with them. Why are persons of talent and learning honourable? Because their talents and knowledge give them power in various ways to promote their own interest and to do good to others.
The mere possession, then, of a power to do good, is what makes one station more honourable than another. ”

“ By following this advice about your manners, dress and language, and by faithfully endeavouring to perform all your duties to God and your fellow creatures, you will find, that every day, you will gain in the esteem and good will of all around you, and that few will be found with that silly pride which will make them shun your society because you are a domestic. On the contrary, your employers and their children, will love and respect you, and be pleased to procure for you all the comforts and advantages they can secure, consistently with the convenience and prosperity of the family. ”

“ The gentleman bows respectfully to the governor, returns to his place, and instead of feeling degraded, he feels honoured in thus setting an example of respectful obedience to one, who for the time is his superior, and has rule over him. And all observers honour him, far more than they would if he had looked angry, or refused to obey his superior in command. Real gentlemen pride themselves on rendering strict obedience, and respectful language and manners to all, who are in any manner their superiors in office or relationship. ”

“ Can I command my temper and tongue so as not to reply in angry and disrespectful tones when others blame me? Do I set a guard on my lips, that I sin not with my tongue? Do I every day pray to God to enable me to be patient at the faults of others, and meek in receiving rebuke for my own? ”

“ It is according to this rule that all our laws are made, which restrain men from seeking their own pleasure by sacrificing the public good. And our laws are made by men appointed by the people for the purpose, and executed by judges and officers appointed by the people, from among themselves. ”

“ Yet a great change is to be accomplished before all aristocratic notions are so shaken off, that a man or woman will be honoured for usefulness, good manners, good sense and good principles, without any regard to the kind of work by which a livelihood is earned. When this time comes, if a woman has a refined education, good manners, and good principles, she will be as much honoured and respected as a domestic, as she would be in any other sphere of life. ”

“ It is quite as important to all who must labour with their hands for a livelihood, that the station of a domestic should be regarded as a respectable and desirable one. I have shown how much superior this situation is to that of a shop or a manufactory, and it would be a great blessing to the young women of this nation, who earn their livelihood, if they so regarded it. ”

“ Money, if it could secure such a domestic, would be of little account, with the multitudes, who now find that wealth cannot secure for them the services needed to make home comfortable.
You will now understand why I would advise, as the surest way of raising the respectability of your employment, to raise the character of domestics. Whenever a time comes in which such a domestic as the one I have described, is a fair picture of the whole class, it is very certain that the respect and regard that should be given to this employment, never will be withheld. ”

“ Now if I only could find domestics who are intelligent, well-bred, neat in dress and person, and who so understand the proprieties of their station as to set a good example to my children, I should not have the least objection to their sitting in my parlour, or at my table, whenever it was convenient, nor to treating them in all respects as the friends and companions of my children. ”

“ Instead of this, always treat children as if you thought they wished and intended to do right, and when they do wrong show sympathy and pity towards them, and try to conceal their faults from others as much as you can. This will make children love you, and try the more to do as you advise. When you have done wrong, if a person says, “It is always just so—I always expect you will forget, and do the wrong thing—I never can put any confidence in you”—does it not make you feel discouraged, as if there was no use in trying, and as if you were unjustly dealt with? ”

“ A domestic who has good sense and good taste, will always dress neatly, plainly, and in materials suitable to the work she performs.
There are few things more annoying to visitors, or to the master and mistress of a family, than to have food served at table, by domestics whose hands, hair, and dress are untidy. I have repeatedly known the gentleman of the house whisper to his wife to send the person waiting on table out of the room, because he had rather wait on himself, than to have such a disgusting object before his eyes. ”

“ I have shown you, in a former letter, that the chief reason why so much difference is made, between domestics and other members of the family, is their deficiencies in education, dress and manners. If domestics were universally well educated and well bred, and if they paid a proper attention to their dress and persons, then parents would feel that their example would be useful instead of injurious to children, while their presence would be agreeable and not offensive to visitors. ”

“ Also, that you take pains to have dark clothing for your work, and that it always be kept neat and tidy. It is a good plan, also, to keep a supply of large, clean aprons, to slip on when you cannot change your dress, and yet wish to go into the parlour.
And I pray you not to spend all your earnings in showy dresses, that, to all sensible people, make you appear foolish and ignorant of all propriety. It is far better to buy strong, and plain dresses, and lay up your earnings to buy furniture, if you ever become a housekeeper, or to support you in sickness, or old age, if you never marry. ”

“ I know persons who make it a rule never to speak cross to children. Instead of this, they wait till their own feelings are calm, and then kindly speak to them of their faults. And when they see a child doing mischief, instead of calling out in sharp and angry tones, they go up and take hold of the child and stop its mischief—or set it up in a chair—and take care not to speak till it can be done in a calm and gentle way. Children who are managed by such persons, have an example of patience, [183] gentleness and kindness before them that has a great influence. ”

“ She will always find something about her different from what she wishes, that will make her fretful and irritable. This, with her pride and selfishness, will lead people to dislike and talk against her, so that while she is longing for love and admiration, she will receive dislike and detraction, and this will mortify and vex her. She will be too indolent to find employment to occupy her mind, and thus time will hang heavy, and life will become a burden—a constant scene of disappointment and trouble. ”

“ Children are creatures of imitation and sympathy, and they always feel and act very much as those do about them. Thus they are daily forming their tastes, habits and character from the pattern of those who are most with them. And their happiness, for time and eternity, is decided by the good or evil that thus surrounds them. ”

“ To understand this properly, we must bear in mind that our happiness, here and hereafter, depends chiefly on the character which we form. A woman that is selfish, irritable, proud, indolent and ambitious, can never be happy. Give her wealth and leisure, and beauty, and high standing in society, and a superior education, and all the comforts and luxuries that wealth secures, and yet she will be discontented and unhappy. She will always find some [70] one richer, or handsomer, or better educated, or more admired than herself. ”

“ It thus appears that if a domestic is ever to be married, she is going through exactly the best training possible, to prepare her to conform her will and wishes to those of her husband, to train up her children well, and to become a neat, industrious and economical housekeeper. If she is not to be married, she is forming a character that is best calculated to raise up around her, in the families where she labours, sincere and valuable friends, who will make her old age easy and respectable. ”

“ It is sometimes the case that persons will speak of the place of a domestic as the humblest and least desirable of any; and some young girls will go into shops and manufactories, and work much longer, and for lower wages, because they fancy that it is more respectable than the place of a domestic. And not unfrequently “shop girls” and “factory girls” will show much pride and folly, in shunning the society of domestics, and in treating them with disrespect and contempt, as if they were [52] very much below themselves. ”

“ But, as a class, I believe domestics use their power for the benefit, rather than the injury of society, as much so as any other class. Most of the work, that is necessary to sustain the family state, is actually done by them, the sick are taken care of by their help, children are nursed and taken care of by them, and the comfort of a family is promoted by their services, to a degree never realized till their help is gone. ”