Wallace Irwin

“ Because weak-drunk lead to strong-drunk, strong-drunk to powerful-drunk—and yet you say it! What for you teach Japanese Boy ‘Cold Water is the Drunk for Me’? Water lead to lemonade, lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, ginger-ale to beer-glass—sakes of living! ”

“ Bombs get freedom for persons?” I exemplify.
“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional gentleman make step-up to me with hand-clasp [276] full of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom for Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ what I reply to them speek? I reply, ‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom you require for Hon. Russia and do not worry about returning it.’”
“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese samurai should not enjoy fear of explosions.”
“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I am merely modest about loud noises.” ”

“ I collapse with Japanese salute, “nobody not yet have invited me to ride in one.”
“Maybe so it might,” he subdivide with forgetful expression.
“Do automobiles make persons civilized?” I require for answer.
“Ask the Motor Man!” signify this Hon. Yosho making buzz-buzz of machinery and disappear with considerable odour. Soonly I hope to become a dear acquaintance to this Yosho who would be a very nice friend for chumb.
Next I go to livery stable where automobiles is kept. There I met Motor Man who suspect me of being Japanese Count ambitious to buy one. I become immediately deceptive. ”

“ Bombs is very wrong things to have around when you are disagreeable about anything. I ask to know; what would be result if all persons done that for argument? I am disagreeable about W. Furo who come around with Italian garlick in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am offended by Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of him because of? Must I explode all labour unions, Democrats, Christians and troubles of life, including Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about my refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? ”

“ But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.
I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” ”

“ That is a nice fact to know about Mars, if nothing else is discovered. It is [262] pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other prophets say-so about it. It is sweet to thought that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene is inhabiting that Hon. Star. How much more dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. Mars was just one plain-finish Planet where refined persons could go after death to set inside their souls and get away from this noisy panick of ottomobiles! ”

“ Theodore Roosevelt only more so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t. A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin. Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon. Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink? ”

“ I exhibit.
“Togo,” cry Nogi, “New Year is for getting rid of sin. You have some expensive sin which you keep around—shampane, high-food, silk derby—New Year fine time to make swear-off of this.”
“I am ridiculous to laugh,” I commit, “what expensive sin I swear-off, please? I am enjoying too much poverty to be able not to get along without nothing which I haven’t not got, have I?”
“One expensive sin you have got which you might resolution to get away from,” magnify this Nogi, “you are educated to cigarette-smoking. ”

“ This custom make Japanese Servant bashful about asking to quit.
Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I am at liberty to suppose. Are it not glory-bird feel to be Independent? Ain’t not them Independence a grand motion for hearts what makes hero go fife-drumming to blaze of fireworks & sley something or be dead about it? Hon. Vergil say in Latin class, “How nice it is to die for your Country!” And yet so, what American of intelligence would care to employ one Hero to do servanting around house? Would it be pleasant to have one Cook what is fond of sleying something to fife-drum music? ”

“ That sad interior of Custom House, so oftenly accustomed to shady gloom of dark & dingley Tariff, grow suddenly to joyful fire-alarm by them race-riot of colour. All employees of them Custom House forget murdering thought of their cruel hearts and is instantly gentle by sight of such bouquets. ”

“ It is very difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about himself in such small print.
Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. Advertising is one beautiful national custom which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to print statements of their virtues and hand it around. In Japan when spring of love-time come along persons deliver little lily-pad plants to doorstep and remind friends of their aliveness. ”

“ We are acquaintanceship with too many people already. Then why should we travel by telescopes trying to make back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will be peevishly careful about associating with Mars persons when they see them. Maybe American labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor of Mars about allowing them disgusting immigrants all over California. Maybe coolie gentlemans from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver cannery and enjoy kick-out by race-riot. Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese Boys!! ”

“ Once more to speak of crime and then not to mention Gasolene again. I hear by editorial print how 12,000,000 mans has been arrested in automobiles for past year. All forms of burglary, including murder & assassination, has been much less arrested than this. Therefore it prove how sinful is automobiles.
American society is divided into two sharp classes with police between them. Them who has automobiles is called Predatory Rich, them who has not is called Propaganders. When Socialism is elected each person will have 1 automobile; [158] but them machinery will be out of style by then-time. ”

“ In travelling through American scenery by rail-car I can not interest my brain-thoughts in birds & flowers because of large conversation which persons has painted all over nature. By sweet runny-brook is sign-post of fierce red to say, “Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.” By grandeur of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, “Circulation of Daily Bazoo Is Making Climb Up.” ”

“ I exaggerate. “They will not keep in such climate.”
“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. “You are a wrong Japanese to speek such slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant Problemb!”
At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct [238] with wrists. My interior soul make kicking performance of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache I am a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron Takahira.
“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. “I am aware of being a Yellow Peril—to be also a Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. I am pretty pride about myself to be so much altogether.” ”

“ This is a very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore.
If them million mans is idly unemployed is it fault of America because? Many American patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked government are persons which comes from Baltic provinces of Russia where common people is not wonderfully successful about governing therselves. Can Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from them persons which is only happy when enjoying misery?
Yet it is not best-beautiful thing for any kingdom to have 1,000,000 mans idly unemployed. ”

“ Persons which are sorry for what they done on Christmas can now forget it by turning over and over: Give ring-off to old, give ring-on to new!
During this so happy annual that is past many National Events has happened to me. Brick-bat wound sent by labouring union has swole up, thank you, enjoying some agony; Miss Furioki which married cousin Nogi loves me so little; C. W. [364] Kurashuke, Japanese dentistry, operate on my toothache which I shall never pay for; Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, ruin the beauty of my derby hat by wearing it ”

“ What about heathens like I am-so who do not care about wine-sip & beer-gulp? Must they accompany this quietness of thirst with song-sing about cold water? Answer is, No! Many heathens is very abstemperous of stomach. Many Christians is not. Many Christians when become filled up with alcohol feel obliged to make crimes including boastful talk which lead to murder of something. Will driving out of salooners in business do good for those bad persons? I hope to be.
To enquire about what will happen to salooners when drove out I go to Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who conduct saloon. ”

“ Mars inhabited by people? is question for Japanese Boy. Even if-so it is, why should [257] Americans become excited about it? We know by thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places is inhabited by something. Are we not-so familiar with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement about that! Does we not know exactly that New Jersey is inhabited? No excitement about that, except on Presidential year! Then why should Hon. Mars receive all this free advertisement? I ask to know.
American scientist say, “In near adjoining future we shall make talk with them Mars persons.” ”

“ To speak American language it is necessary to learn them 26,000 natural words, which I have did, thank you. But it is useless to try so hard because Elsewhere-words is commonly used for conversation. Where must Japanese Boy go to obtain such talk?
My cousin Nogi explain this answer. He say that Elsewhere-words of American mans is called “Slank,” which means “talking-with-words-that-is-found-here-and-there.” Dixionary talk is good for church sociables, high-schools, and professors; Slank talk is good for riots, prize-fighting, newspapers, colleges, and all kinds of energy. ”

“ Prohibition of drunk is a comfortable blessing to demand, because it is very difficulty for white persons to be tame when exposed to wild beverages. Irish, Swedish, Italian & Jewish is most useful for calamities by feeding them whisky. Japanese is also too patriotic when enjoying bun-bun.
In the great cities of America where persons is brought together for living over each other by sky-scrape apartment the sell of whisky spoil the low layers of society. Labouring classes stop being it because of alcohol poison and other ingredients to be found in it. ”

“ Poor men enjoying large incomes of money are not so stung.
To avoid financial panic therefore persons should have too much wealthy for this. How to get this money is question for Japanese Boy. How did each great American gentleman acquire such millions? If Japanese Boy could know how, he might follow example of Industry Captains and get exhalted likewise. So I put on my derby to discover about this success in business.
To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go with enquiry. Like all Irish gentlemen Mr. Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoying angry fit. ”

“ I notice there large flocks of Christians bringing earth-peace feeling together by drinking considerable whisky. City is filled of sailors, plumbers, hack-drivers and other patriots making side-step [355] to each saloon where more earth-peace is poured in. Finally good-will become very energetic and front of saloon is carried away by excitement. Peace-on-earth continue to make more noisy riot by each minute until pretty soonly police-gentleman whistle for jailcart and all these Christians, broken in several places but making splendid noise with songs, is carried away to city lock-in. ”

“ EDUCATION IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE San Francisco, April 10th.
To Fashionable Creator of Newspaper Talk.
Dear Mr.—When first time your printer put-in my letter I am so happy I feel very discouraged to write more. “Banzai! I shall make literary career of myself!” This shout from me. Literary writing must be good job for all Americans not fit for honest work. I am understood to be told that Hon. Jack London receive for price from 15c to 20c for each word he make. This is so very easy way it appear deceptive. How should I prosper in such a Graft! At 20c for each word how happy for Japanese Boy! ”

“ So I leave that Strunsky enjoying feel of considerable depress near shoulder-blade. I have a slammed ideal. Such a useless to young mans studying bookkeeping & stenography of hope to become President some day! It are awfully well to make walk-up by stairway of Fame—but supposing for imagination that foot slipped? Ah then! Japanese Boy might get downdy tumble to be a Vice-President or some other equal crime.
Soonly I meet up with my Uncle Nichi, who are taking lessons in American cigar smoking from Cousin Nogi. ”

“ Teach this Graft to dear Japan.
Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come me to-day and make tearful cries because I have decided to be Grafter instead of learning missionary job. When he know that I am firmtooth to my purpose he tell me this story about antique Japan:
Seven million years previously to the present Japan dynasty the great philosopher Nichi Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in putting angly-worm bait on fish-hook he look down in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand sucker-fish in water making eye-wink at angly-worm bait. ”

“ Mere human person like Hon. Taft is large enough to entirely fill throne with himself but he can not fill it with that marvellous activity of Roosevelt.
Hon. Jenny Bryan, so I read by news-prints, has went out for duck-shoot and also hoping to slew some bears. This show how sadly he long for President. But nothing to do! Mr. Jenny is too quiet Democrat for election. He must murder something or make elopement with somebody’s grandmother to get photo in newspaper any more. Then American persons will remember he is alive and nominate him for another defeat. ”