William Pitt Scargill

“ To seek an acquaintance with any individual is generally felt, whether it be so considered or not, as an act of humiliation. It is at all events a homage paid to the acquaintance thus sought. He that voluntarily seeks after another, involuntarily pays that other a compliment. And frequently that compliment is taken by those who receive it for more than it is really worth. By this circumstance therefore that the acquaintance with Erpingham had been of Lord Spoonbill’s own seeking, the former did not quite so highly value and honor the young legislator as otherwise he might have done. ”

“ She had not, indeed, ceased to think tenderly and affectionately of Robert Darnley; but she had nearly, if not altogether, ceased to hope. The conflict in her mind was between her affection for her father and her indifference to Lord Spoonbill. We will not say that her vanity was not flattered by the apparent offer of so splendid an alliance. It perhaps influenced her as little as it would influence any one; but when the mind is just recovering from the pains and mortifications of a first disappointment, it is mightily indifferent to matters of sentiment. ”

“ There are individuals in the world of whom it is, ordinarily speaking, almost impossible to think ill. Such was the character of Penelope Primrose to those well acquainted with her. But the elder Mr Darnley being a mightily pompous and grand sort of man, looked at almost every one from an awful distance. Discrimination of character was by no means his forte. He thought that the whole mass of mankind was divisible into two classes, the good and the bad. ”

“ A momentary pause followed the last observation of the Countess; and then, in his own peculiarly majestic manner, the Earl of Smatterton said, “I am of opinion that it is not quite proper and suitable for a young lady to travel in a stage alone and unprotected.”
With exquisite, and as if premeditated, promptitude Lord Spoonbill replied, “Certainly not; but there will be no necessity for Miss Primrose going alone or in the stage-coach at all. I shall drive up to town tomorrow morning, and if the young lady will accept of a seat in my gig, I shall be most happy in her company.” ”

“ But that is a very dangerous and wicked mode of reasoning, and wiser people than Nick Muggins are guilty of it; let such persons be told that under-sized, snub-nosed, cross-grained old maids have as much feeling as the rest of the world, and are as much entitled to the advantages and protection of the laws of humanity as the young, and the lovely, and the amiable.
Be this as it may, still the ungainly post-boy felt rather awkwardly and looked foolishly when he thus encountered the unexpected appearance and condescension of Penelope Primrose. ”

“ This is a very proper place wherein to make a digression concerning the omnipotence of love; and here we ought to be extremely pathetic, shewing and demonstrating with heart-rending eloquence, how irresistible is this universal passion: and perhaps some of our readers, not many we hope, may think that we ought to make a very sentimental defence of Lord Spoonbill, as some of our predecessors in the history of lovers have made of those idle cubs who have shewn their refinement and sensibility by seducing engaged or betrothed affections. ”

“ Wise and penetrating reader, who can’st dive most deeply into human motives, and read the movements of the human heart, we beseech thee not to impute it to stupidity or obtuseness in our friend Robert Darnley, that he could not sooner see the probability of the existence in some quarter or other of a spirit of treachery at work against him. His own mind was of a very unsuspicious cast, and he was not in the habit of looking for deeply-laid schemes, but he gave general credit to appearances and ordinary assertions. ”

“ He was so grieved, so pierced to the heart’s core, that he forgot for a while all that he had heard, read, or witnessed of woman’s devout affection, unwearied kindness, heroic attachment, and moral sublimity. And he thought not of the patience [83] with which woman bears the peevishness of our infancy, the selfishness of our riper years, and the capricious fretfulness of our declining age. ”

“ The elder Mr Darnley was mightily displeased to hear of the purpose which Mr Primrose had in view in coming to Smatterton. To the fastidious mind of the rector of Neverden it appeared very indelicate for Miss Primrose, after what had taken place, to throw herself in the way of Mr Robert Darnley: for in no other light could the rector of Neverden regard the meditated settlement of Mr Primrose at Smatterton.
It is a great pity that such a man as Mr Darnley, who had for the most part a good understanding and good feelings, should be so obstinate in his prejudices and so immoveable in his fancies. ”

“ It is a painful thing to doubt, because it is humiliating, and seems to question our discernment. It is also very perplexing to the mind when it sees evidence enough to prove that which it feels to be impossible, or very unlikely. In this dilemma Robert Darnley had been placed by what he had heard of Penelope Primrose. He knew, or at least very firmly believed her to be of decided character, good principle and high spirit. He felt it impossible that she should love a profligate or a blockhead, and he knew Lord Spoonbill to be both. ”

“ The result of the right honorable hereditary legislator’s meditation was, that as it was not possible for him to live without Penelope, and as delay might expose him to the danger of being compelled to do that which he knew to be impossible, he would take the earliest opportunity of making regular and deliberate overtures of marriage. And he felt satisfied that the fascination of title and the splendour of opulence would be too much for a female heart to withstand. ”

“ Yet why should any one think that he is unworthily or degradingly employed. Only let us imagine for a moment that the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill is a most gracious, or a most Christian majesty, and that his negociations are for precisely the same purpose as they are at present; or that from negociations of this nature there may have arisen between two mighty and puissant nations a just and necessary war—such things have been—then would the said Colonel Crop, in his capacity of negociator, be regarded with profound admiration by all his majesty’s most faithful and loyal subjects ”

“ Did the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill think that the principle of honor was stronger in the mind of Nick Muggins, the Smatterton post-boy, than it was in his own Right Honorable self? Wherein, did his lordship imagine, consisted the essential [4] superiority of the high born above the sons of the peasantry? Did his lordship imagine that the only difference was in titles and soft white hands? It is not for us to know what lords may think, it is enough for us to gaze with wonderment on what they do. ”

“ To the ear of Lord Spoonbill there was something exceedingly graceful and musical in the tone with which this language was uttered. There is indeed an indescribable beauty in the accents of a grateful mind fearful of having offended its benefactor. His lordship was aware of his mother’s feelings on the subject of the probable loss of Penelope, and his lordship was himself also fearful of losing her. ”

“ Everybody who is worse than ourselves is too bad; everybody, whose vices differ from ours, is too bad. Lord Spoonbill was selfish, sensual, and unprincipled; but he endeavoured to conceal his character, and, from attempting to deceive others, had come at last to deceive himself; and he really did flatter himself that there was some good in his character, and some good feelings in his heart. But Erpingham, on the other hand, did not play the hypocrite either to himself or to others ”

“ But the policy of a great overgrown booby is different. The spoiled blockhead knows that no art of his can give extra loveliness to his looks in the eyes of his fond parents. His own precious numskull is to them the ne plus ultra of human excellence. But if that sweet face is darkened by a frown, and if the dear pet is sulky, cross-grained, and ill-humoured, then anything and everything must be conceded to bring him back to his good-humour again.
“Spoonbill, are you unwell?” said Lord Smatterton. ”

“ Influenced by this tale, he remained at Neverden spending day after day in most clumsily doing nothing at all. His father talked to him, his mother talked to him, and his sisters talked to him, but all their talk amounted to nothing. Disappointed affection is a painful feeling, and talking cannot heal it; nor was it ever known in the course of human experience, that calling a man a fool has been the means of making him wise.
Whatever were the feelings of Robert Darnley on this sad blight of his fair hopes, he was wise enough to keep them to himself ”

“ And from these momentary absorptions he would start into recollection, and utter such thrilling expressions of delight, that his poor child feared that the joy would be too much for him.
Some of the human species have suffered more from joy than from sorrow. Ecstacy has lifted the mind to that height and giddiness as to destroy its self-command, and to precipitate it into the depths and darkness of idiocy. Penelope entertained a fear of this kind for her father. ”

“ It is astonishing how powerfully present considerations overwhelm and command the mind. If Muggins could have mustered up sufficient energy of purpose to resist the threats of the son of the rector of Neverden, he might afterwards have laid his case before the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill, by whose interest he might have gained promotion, or by whose liberality he might have been hand [293] somely rewarded. But all other thoughts and considerations were lost and absorbed in the elastic cane, which seemed vibrating with anxious eagerness for a close acquaintance with his shoulders. ”

“ Her ladyship made this proposal because she had no desire to entertain Mr Primrose, and she thought that if Penelope was to be taken from her patronage at all, the sooner it was done the better. What prodigious lies patrons and patronesses do tell when they profess to have no other object in view than the welfare and happiness of those whom they patronise. The Countess of Smatterton had been pleasing herself with the thought that she should be the talk of the season, as producing and exhibiting such a prodigy as Miss Primrose ”

“ Now Erpingham, as we have already intimated, was by no means a simpleton. He had wisdom enough to see through Lord Spoonbill, though his lordship was not always able to comprehend the logic of his old college companion. There is at Cambridge, as everybody knows, a species of animal called a tuft-hunter, that is, a plebeian man, who, for pence or pride, cultivates an acquaintance with the young green shoots of nobility that are sent to that place to learn horse-racing, card-playing, and mathematics, in order to make laws to preserve game and keep up the dignity of hereditary legislators. ”

“ Lady Smatterton was not the less ill-humoured because she had no just ground on which she might utter the language of expostulation and reproof to Penelope, but on the contrary her anger was greater: for had there been an opportunity of indulging in language of reproach, that very circumstance would have been a relief and consolation. ”

“ Nick Muggins, we have related, was so melted by the condescending kindness of Penelope Primrose, that his heart smote him sorely for his unfaithfulness to his trust, and he was on the very verge of a confession of his iniquity; but [280] then Penelope was not likely to horsewhip him, whereas there did appear to the sagacious mind of the treacherous letter-carrier some possibility of such operation being performed by the more vigorous arm of Robert Darnley; and as such a catastrophe must be exceedingly unpleasant to a man of any feeling, Nick resolved to use his utmost sagacity to avoid it. ”

“ This information was indeed melancholy news to Lord Smatterton, who had enjoyed and pleased himself with the thought that he had to boast of true patrician blood, and who looked forward to see his only son uphold the dignity of his house. There is a pleasure in greatness which none but great ones know. It had been the pride of the Earl of Smatterton to look down [197] with contempt on such noble families as had degraded themselves by admixture with plebeian blood. ”

“ The Earl of Smatterton is a proud, haughty man, like the rest of the Whig aristocracy.”
“Then Lord Spoonbill is not so very proud?”
“I cannot say that Lord Spoonbill is altogether without pride. He has very high notions; but his manner is not pompous like his father’s. And he can be very agreeable, though he is by no means a man of any great share of intellect.”
“I have heard him spoken of,” replied Robert Darnley, “as being a very profligate man.”
“I believe,” said the critic, “he is rather gay, but not more so than most young men of his rank. ”

“ How can I bear to think of my own child exerting and wasting her strength to amuse the public, and to see her standing before a promiscuous and unfeeling multitude, exposed to the rudeness and insolence of loudly expressed disapprobation and extempore criticism?”
“Nay, my good sir,” said Lord Spoonbill in his pleasantest manner; “there is no danger, and there need be no fear, that Miss Primrose will ever incur disapprobation; whatever loud expressions there may be, will be expressions of applause and delight.”
“And that,” rejoined Mr Primrose, [139] “is almost as bad. ”