Winston K. Marks

“ My first intimation of John Cunningham's vicarious practice came in the form of an order to check on a complaint from the Hotel Celt in New York. I bussed over to the 48-story hostelry and questioned the manager, a fat, bald man of some forty-two years and no arches.
"A lady doctor," he mourned, "has served warning she will sue unless I take out the slot machines from our mezzanine powder rooms."
"I know," I said. "She filed the complaint that brought me here. What I want to know is what does a slot machine violate by being in the ladies' room?" ”

“ Having operated the machines I can testify that the results of the questioning of these devices can be definitely informational and could assist a physician in more rapid diagnosis and treatment."
I held up my hand to silence the horrified grunts of disapproval. "Let me continue, please. A few minor changes in the recording mechanism would enable the equipment to produce a coded card. This, without a physician's attention, would direct the clinical staff to perform the necessary laboratory functions to verify or disprove the indicated symptoms. ”

“ Cunningham explained earnestly, "It will assimilate and coordinate over a thousand separate symptoms, including every known particle of clinical data on a patient. Why it will reduce physician error to practically zero." ”

“ Klinghammer of the remarkable stability. From bed-rock to quicksand in one easy tunnel.
A man answered. He was at least one cut above the most adored idol of video and movie screen, his slacks even more unpressed and his beach shirt even gaudier. He looked me in the eye for a moment and said, "Dr. Sledgehammer, I presume?"
"Klinghammer," I corrected.
"Sorry. Sue seemed a little confused on several details. Come in, please."
Sue. Sue Calicoo. Out of the blue. Blueboids. John Cunningham. This was a disrupting thought. So this is the guy she's really in love with. Malpractice? Without a doubt. ”

“ It has no possibilities of mass-production. And even if it did, the cost would be so outrageous that the average hospital could hire a whole staff of physicians for the price of one machine. And figure one thing more: What medical man would welcome into his heart a gadget that would leave him nothing to do but stand around with a voltmeter and an oilcan?"
"Good point," Sue nodded with an exaggerated flounce of her auburn halo. ”

“ This machine required a dollar.
To say that I was intrigued would only be searching for words. Having no change I demanded a silver dollar from Dennithy. He shifted from one foot to the other, and never before have I seen a genuine hotel man blush.
"Really, Mr. Klinghammer—"
"Doctor Klinghammer," I reminded him.
"Oh, yes. But—actually, I hadn't realized the exact nature of these devices. The, er, diseases which they purport to diagnose, I mean. My engineer, Mr. Shiftin merely said—"
"We do not prosecute innocently victimized business-men," I told him. "Now, that dollar, please." ”

“ Slowly his smile vanished. "Before we discuss this further, I'd like to impress a point or two. Those coin machines are only a means to an end." He pulled heavily at the bottle, took me by the arm and led me over to the huge, half-created machine at the end of the lab. ”

“ Next, I set into the machine the proper answers to describe an ambiguous condition with contradictory symptoms. Dennithy came back with more change, and this time the tab read:
"THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF PREGNANCY INDICATED. A COMPETENT PHYSICIAN CAN DETERMINE AT ONCE. THERE IS ALSO AN INDICATION THAT YOUR ANSWERS MIGHT BE EITHER INSINCERE OR FACETIOUS. THE INVENTOR OF THE SYMPTOMETER WISHES TO POINT OUT THAT IT'S YOUR DOLLAR YOU JUST SPENT, LADY."
I could imagine the chuckle this would get from the old dowager, wise in the ways of such matters and smugly secure from any such contingency ”

“ I said sourly.
"It will, it will!" he assured me. "Of course I have probably a year or more to spend in quantitative calibration of the input circuits, and maybe a couple or three years on the qualitative differentiations of the output."
"I see," I said. "And you want to calibrate and differentiate without the necessity of practicing on the side to provide funds. So you invented the one-armed bandit with the Johns Hopkins accent to tide you over. Right?"
"Right!"
"You have made one mistake in the means to your end," I told him. "Now I have a plan." ”

“ Naturally, the coin operation of the machine would be eliminated. But there is no need for a doctor to adjust his fees downward because he performs his work more efficiently, now is there? And with the Symptometer at his disposal, a physician should be able to easily double the number of office calls per hour. ”

“ If we give them too much time to think about it they might change their minds."
I thought I caught laughter in the background, but I hadn't made a video connection. I did so at once, and there was Cunningham with a suspiciously smug smirk on his face. "Thanks, old man," he said softly.
"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "I thought you were reluctant about this idea?"
A babble of feminine voices and a background blur on the visor distracted him from my words. He turned away, then back to the screen. "Sue is on her way over to your suite to pick you up. Tonight we celebrate. ”