various contributors

“ Such a burden must no longer be placed only upon your back, for there are others whose bones are young and who are willing share it with you. Why should we be compelled to sit still or merely to bear our back with fists while you, dear Father, undergo these too terrible fatigues? ”

“ Is it not lucky for the Austrians and the Turks that they are on our side and can share in the high protection that we enjoy? To save you trouble I would even go so far as to open a a session of the Reichstag, though for my own part I never could see much use in that absurd institution. Still we have it now under our our thumb (unter unserem Daumen) , and even the Socialists are ready to feed out of our hands and to allow us to kick them about the floor. He who says that war is barbarous and useless can learn by this example that it is not so. ”

“ You must remember that you are not so young as you were and that this rushing to and fro between France and Poland, which to a man of my age would be a mere trifle, bringing with it only enjoyment, must be for a man who is between fifty and sixty a task well calculated to search out and expose his corporeally weak points so as to bring satisfaction, not to us, but to the enemy. ”

“ If in the Belgian heart, from ruler to refugee, there is room for more pride than should of right be there already, surely these pages, voicing the homage of all that counts in the world to-day, will bring it. We are all King Albert's men now, and in this book we have a welcome chance of proving our fealty. ”

“ As Christmas draws nearer, the problem of what gifts to send to our brave men at the Front becomes more acute. For of course they must all have presents, no matter what decision is come to as to the manner of spending the dear old festival at home. ”

“ For home use the same firm has a most delightful Special Constable's gold-mounted truncheon, which unscrews for liquid refreshment, of which our S.C.'s are often in need.
Messrs. Kyte and Kyte have a really dinky little Game Book especially pre- pared for the War and as a Christmas gift. It differs at first sight very little from the ordinary game book of an English shoot, but on examination we find that the game is of larger size. The divisions include all ranks of the German army, so that an exact analysis of one's bag can be kept. ”

“ We call them the Swallows because they migrate so much. Baby Swallow is very pretty, isn't she? and, by-the-by, she's rather afraid that you may be worrying about that riddle."
"Me—I?"
This was the moment for which I had been waiting, but the wee lieutenant took cover, hunting his dessert fork on the floor long after Maria had brought up reinforcements.
"Why, yes, she ought to have said 'dumb,' not 'deaf.' I've forgotten the answer—something about 'gesticulate.' She's coming to tea with me to-morrow. Would you like me to ask her what the answer is, and write it down for you?" ”

“ One of the most practical is a boot-cleaning set in strong pigskin with gold clasps, including, very ingeniously, a bottle of patent-leather reviver. Another pig-skin, indispensable at the Front, holds a complete tea-set. It resembles the old tea-basket, but weighs at least five ounces less (no small matter on the march, I am told) and is more compact. With such a gift as this, no officer need ever again go without tea in the trenches. ”

“ Well, the other morning I was up on the common kicking a football about with some of the men—it's good for them and keeps them from getting too much beer, and I like it myself—football, I mean, not beer—and some people came and sat down to watch on the roller, and there was a Yellow Jersey among them. ”

“ Harold Begbie, but he failed to catch the Chairman's eye, which had been secured by Mr. H. G. Wells. This well-known strategist rose to point out that what England wanted in the event of an invasion was the man, the gun and the trench. When he said man he meant an adult male of the human species. A gun was a firearm from which bullets were discharged by an explosion of gunpowder. A trench, he averred, amid loud protests from the ex-Manager of the Haymarket Theatre, was a long narrow cut in the earth. He had already pointed out these facts to the War Office, but had received no reply. ”

“ Hadn't you better ask the person who propounded the question?"
"I—I can't very well—I wish I could. I thought, if you knew the answer to the riddle, you might know the person who asked it. It's very hard to get to know people by yourself, isn't it?" ”

“ As an aid to the generous there is nothing like a walk down Bongent Street, where will be found many ingenious novelties designed especially for the mirthful anniversary which will do soon be on us with all its associations of peace and goodwill to men. ”

“ Scarborough's unhappy plight under the shells of the German Navy will not soon be forgotten, and the sympathies of us all are with the unfortunate townsfolk of the Northern resort. Brighton, however, which shares with Scarborough the claim to be called the Queen of Watering Places, is unharmed and no doubt will remain a favourite recreation groups for tired Londoners on Sunday, among whom that mirth-provoking comedian, Mr. George Graves, is often to be seen. ”

“ No, you're right there; somebody else did, but I heard my one—I mean the Jersey one—I mean the Yellow one—ask somebody that riddle; but the person—the sister or whatever she was who came to the door—finished me off before I heard the answer, and somehow or other it's been running through my head ever since. It isn't the girl, you know, it's—it's the aggravation of it. ”

“ Christmas is chiefly a children's festival. Grown-ups won't give each other so many presents this year, but we shall still remember the children, and we shall give you plenty to do seeing after them. Why," I went on boastfully, "you've got four of my presents in there at this moment. ”

“ Kyts and Kyte also make a Service Fountain Pen which not only acts as a pen but also as a clinical thermometer and pipe-cleaner. It has further more an attachment for removing stones from horses' feet. Made in gold, it is a most becoming Yuletide gift.
"And what can I get for you, Sir?"
"I'm looking for my father. Has he been in here? He's an old man 'bout thirty-seben."
A CREDIBILITY INDEX.
"This Poland business is still rather hard to follow," said my wife plaintively, after consulting the latest newspaper map pinned over the mantelpiece, "and I know it's tremendously important. ”

“ The brutes—trying to take away the poor man's food! And as for that Crown Prince, when you get 'im, just you 'it 'im right over the 'ead with your truncheon!"
We are not allowed to hit over the head on ordinary occasions, but in the case of the Crown Prince attacking (and conceivably looting) our sausage factory, no doubt the rule would be relaxed. I undertook to follow her advice, and she left greatly relieved.
The Jester. "Hallo, Sonny! Choosin' yer Turkey?"
Diminutive Patriot. "Garn! Yes don't catch me 'avin turkey these days. Wy, I'd as soon eat a German sausage!" ”

“ An American coon is said to have been so much impressed by the achievements of the Germans that he has sent a song to the Kaiser, the opening words of which are "My Hunny!"
The War is responsible for a splendid boom in the study of geography. An English lady who visited some fo the Belgian wounded at a certain London hospital the other day asked one of them where he was hit, and on receiving the reply, "Au pied," is said to have spent hours trying to find the place on the map. ”

“ And they all give Hohenzollern three groans!
"There it is;" and the Great Man fairly purred with satisfaction. "Une petite pièce de tout droit, isn't it?" he said. "I gave you a hint of the tune. It needs a stirring one."
"It does," said I, delighted to be able to agree with him on one point. "And you have other songs equally topical?"
He pointed to a bale in the corner that I had taken for a new carpet.
"I've had a good few to choose from," he said. "I fancy this one is about the best. My leading low-comedian writes all his own lyrics—extraordinarily adequate little man. ”

“ It had O.H.M.S. on it, and was addressed to "Father Christmas."
"For me? Fancy my not seeing that before. Whatever can it be?" He fixed his spectacles again and began to read.
"A commission, perhaps," I said humorously.
"It is a commission!" he cried excitedly. "To go to the Front and deliver Christmas presents to the troops! They've got hundreds of thousands all ready for them!"
"And given in what spirit?" I smiled.
"Ah, my boy! No doubt about the spirit of that." He slung his sack on to his shoulder and faced me—his old holly self again. "This will be something like. ”

“ I wish they wonkin't keep fighting in small villages that aren't marked; and really beyond the the bare fact that both armies repeatedly surround one another simultaneously it is not at all easy to gather just what they are at. ”

“ Among the many discoveries that he made is one from which time has taken away any cause for surprise. "There was," he says, "a German lieutenant with the Paraguayan officers—one of several German officers who are now engaged in helping the Paraguayans with their army." Through the Brazilian Wilderness is packed with wonderfully good photographs, two of which introduce us to a game played by the Parecis Indians, of which the initial rule requires the "kicker-off" to lie flat on the ground and butt the ball with his head. ”

“ Many of our brave fellows are supplied with helmets, belts and mufflers by the loving hands of their friends; but for those who cannot knit, Messrs. Tyke and Taylor have a most attractive show of all the woollen articles with which it has been decreed that our warriors shall cover their bodies. ”

“ The War would certainly seem to have led to better feeling in the Labour world between masters and men, and from the recent paragraph in The Daily Mail we learn that there is now a London Association of Master Decorators. ”

“ One wonders if Brazil's future battles will be won in the playing-fields of the Parecis.
The opening liens of the Preface to Sir Charles Villers Stanford's book of reminiscences contain so good a story that I cannot forbear to quote them. the tale concerns the famous conductor Hans von Buelow, who (says Sir Charles) was once taking the Berlin Philharmonie! Orchestra through a rehearsal at which some ladies had been invited to be present. They indulged in whisperings and chatterings which greatly disturbed the players. ”

“ Pinkerton's personal assurance that his Pills are the Best. If I'd had more time I daresay I should have worked my passage to the notice you refer to. I haven't reached it yet."
"Look 'ere," said the conductor, thrusting me into the vacant smoker's seat and pointing with what I at first took to be a saveloy, but which upon closer inspection proved to be his forefinger, "what does that say?—
TO AVOID ACCIDENTS PASSENGERS
SHOULD REMAIN SEATED WHILE
THE BUS IS PASSING UNDER RAIL-
WAY BRIDGES.
There nar. Some of you blokes never look any farther than the end of your noses." ”

“ SEASONABLE GIFTS.
I. The Mottle.
A new and ingenious development of the old-fashioned development of the old-fashioned hot-water bottle. The ordinary hot-water bottle warms but a small portion of the bed. The Mottle, possessing a motor attachment, can be wound up and it will then travel all over the bed, diffusing an agreeable warmth everywhere. May be used as an engine in the nursery by day. 33s. 6d. The Chesterton, for large-size bed, 44s. 11d. This kind also makes an excellent gift for soldiers in the trenches. It will travel half-a-mile before requiring further petrol. ”

“ I had got halfway down the staircase when somebody—it must have been the offensive conductor—gave the game away, for the bus jerked badly and started off again at a rare pace. So did I. But as I flew through the air I could not help catching a fleeting glimpse of a final advisory notice—
PASSENGERS ARE CAUTIONED
AGAINST ALIGHTING FROM
THE BUS WHILE IN MOTION.
"That's Enough, 19st 2lb (Mr. R. Cavello) J. Killalee 0"
We agree with the horse.
General. "Glad to see you walking, my lad. I always like to see a man who considers his horse." ”

“ One side is intended for paper notes, of which every officer at the Front is in constant need; the other half is rese4rved for his visiting-cards, which it is de rigueur, I am told, to leave on the enemy after every visit to their trenches. Some officers go so far as to place their cards on the point of their bayonet—a characteristic British touch. ”