Average Jones

“ There were few places, Average Jones held, where human nature in the rough can be studied to better advantage than in the stifling tunnels of the subway or the close-packed sardine boxes of the metropolitan surface lines. It was in pursuance of this theory that he encountered the Westerner, on Third avenue car. By custom, Average Jones picked out the most interesting or unusual human being in any assembly where he found himself, for study and analysis. ”

“ CHAPTER IX. THE MAN WHO SPOKE LATIN
Mementoes of Average Jones’ exploits in his chosen field hang on the walls of his quiet sanctum. Here the favored visitor may see the two red-ink dots on a dated sheet of paper, framed in with the card of a chemist and an advertised sale of lepidopteroe, which drove a famous millionaire out of the country. Near by are displayed the exploitation of a lure for black-bass, strangely perforated (a man’s reason hung on those pin-pricks) , and a scrawled legend which seems to spell “Mercy” (two men’s lives were sacrificed to that) ”

“ Average Jones knew Professor Gehren by sight, knew of him further by repute as an impulsive, violent, warm-hearted and learned pundit who, for a typically meager recompense, furnished sundry classes of young gentlemen with amusement, alarm and instruction, in about equal parts, through the medium of lectures at the Metropolitan University. ”

“ By April fifteenth New York, Pittsburg, Chicago, Washington and other clearing-houses for the distribution of the unspent increment were apprised of the elder Hoff’s five thousand-dollar anxiety through the medium of the daily press. This advertisement it was, upon the practical merits of which Average Jones and his confidential clerk had differed.
“If there were any chance of sport in it,” mused Average Jones, “I’d go in. But to follow the trail of a spurious young sport from bar-room to brothel and from brothel to gambling hell—” He shook his head. “Not good enough,” he repeated. ”

“ It checked at the “offer” of a notorious firm of tipsters who advertised to sell “inside information” on the races to their patrons. As a special lure, they were, on this day, letting the public in on a few particularly “good things” free.
“There you are,” said Average Jones, pointing out the advertisement.
To his astonishment, Waldemar noted that his friend’s indicatory finger shook a little. Normally, Average Jones was the coolest and most controlled of men. ”

“ What time the Honorable William Linder matured his designs on the mayoralty, Average Jones sat in a suite of offices in Astor Court, a location which Waldemar had advised as being central, expensive, and inspirational of confidence, and considered, with a whirling brain, the minor woes of humanity. ”

“ Average Jones stared at the telegram in silence. Finally he drawled: “There are—er—books and—er—books—and—er—things in books. Wait here for me.”
Three hours later he reappeared with collar wilted, but spirits elate, and abruptly announced:
“Warren, I’m a cobbler.”
“A what?”
“A cobbler. Mend your boots, you know.”
“Are you in earnest?”
“Certainly. Haven’t you ever remarked that a serious-minded earnestness always goes with cobbling? Though I’m not really a practical cobbler, but a proprietary one. Our friend, Bertram, will dress and act the practical part. ”

“ The musician assented.
“It does look like a signal to show that Linder was in,” mused the interrogator. “Do you know Linder?”
“I don’t know nothing only to play the B-flat trombone,” repeated the other patiently.
“Now, Schlichting,” said Average Jones, “here is a dollar. Every evening you must come here. Whether I am here or not, there will be a dollar for you. Do you understand?” ”

“ He will squander his unearned and undeserved fortune, thus completing the vicious circle, and returning the millions acquired by my political activities, in a poisoned shower upon the city, for which, having bossed, bullied and looted it, I feel no sentiment other than contempt.”
“And now,” remarked Waldemar in his heavy, rumbling voice, “you aspire to disappoint that good old man.”
“It’s only human nature, you know,” said Average Jones. ”

“ At the end of four days, Average Jones had satisfied himself that if Livius were seeking anything in particular, he had an indefinite task before him, for the colonel’s bound treasures were in indescribable confusion. Apparently he had bought from far and near, without definite theme or purpose. As he bought he read, and having read, cast aside; and where a volume fell, there it had license to lie. No cataloguer had ever sought to restore order to that bibliographic riot. To seek any given book meant a blind voyage, without compass or chart, throughout the mingled centuries. ”

“ A. Jones, of New York City.”
“You live with your family?”
“I have no family or near relatives.”
“That is well. I will not conceal from, you that there are risks. But the pay is high. Can you endure exposure? Laboring in all weathers? Subsisting on rough fare and sleeping as you may?”
“I have camped in the northern forests.”
“Yes,” mused the voice. “You look hardy.”
Average Jones arose. ”

“ That evening Average Jones met Warren, for dinner, with a puckered brow.
“Did Livius rise to the bait?” asked the scholar.
“Did he!” chuckled Average Jones. “He’s been nervous as a cat all day and hardly has looked at the library. But what puzzles me is this.” He exhibited a telegram from New York.
“Millington says positively no book of that time and description any great value. Enderby at Barclay auction in March and made row over some book which he missed because it was put up out of turn in catalogue. Barclay auctioneer thinks it was one of Percival privately bound books 1680-1703. ”

“ If we don’t catch up some,” he added grimly, “I wouldn’t want to insure our young friend’s life. So it’s all aboard, if you’re ready.”
For the first time since embarking upon the strange seas of advertising in his quest of the Adventure of Life, Average Jones now met the experience of grilling physical toil. All that day and all the night the two men swung at the oars; swung until every muscle in the young Easterner’s back had turned to live nerve-fiber, and the flesh had begun to strip from the palms of his hands. ”

“ Pouring out a scant cupful of water into his hat, Average Jones handed it over. “Drink slowly,” he advised. “You’ve got about a hundred dollars’ worth there at present quotations.”
Colonel Richford’s head went up with a jerk.
“Hundred dollars’ worth!” he croaked, his eyes fiery with suspicion. “Are you going to hold up two men dying of thirst?”
“There’s been only one man in danger of that death around here. His name is Hoff.” ”

“ THE CARONIA, Nov. 18.
MR. A. JONES, Astor Court Temple:
I have tried unsuccessfully to see you twice. Enclosed you will find the reason. Please read through it carefully. Then I am sure you will see and help me. Money is no object. I will call to-morrow at noon.
Respectfully,
WILLIAM H. ROBINSON.
“Well, I see nothing out of the ordinary in that,” observed Bertram.
“Nothing?” inquired Average Jones.
Bertram read the message again. “Of course the man is rattled. That’s obvious in his handwriting. ”

“ Average Jones glanced at a copy of the advertisement which he held. “I think we can take Mr. Morley’s word so far.”
“Even so; fifty thousand dollars ransom!” said the minister, and stopped with a groan.
“Nonsense!” said Average Jones heartily. “That advertisement counts for nothing. Professional kidnappers do not select the sons of impecunious ministers for their prey. Nor do they give addresses through which they may be found. You can dismiss the advertisement as a blind; the second blind, in fact.” ”

“ Average Jones straightened up and stretched himself languidly. His voice when he spoke again took on the slow drawl of boredom. One might have thought that he had lost all interest in the case but for the thoughtful pucker of the broad forehead which belied his halting accents.
“Then—er—when Bailey left here he hadn’t any idea of—er—running away.”
“I don’t follow you, Mr. Jones.”
“Psychology,” said Average Jones. “Elementary psychology. Here’s your son’s new reel. A normal boy doesn’t abandon a brand-new fad when he runs away. It isn’t in boy nature. ”

“ An’ it’s enough as far as it goes. But it ain’t proof; not the kind of proof a man pays out reward money on,” he added, cunningly. “You say you left Roddy down there with that Funcke feller, hey?”
“Yes. It’ll make a man of him, if anything will. I threw that in as an extra.”
“Yes; but what about them two crooks that goldbricked him? What’s become of them?”
“On their way to Alaska or Bolivia or Corea, or anywhere else, for all I know—or care,” said Average Jones indifferently. ”

“ Average Jones got painfully to his feet. Looking carefully over the scattered camp outfit, he selected from it a collapsible pail. Captain Funcke glanced at it with curiosity, but characteristically forebore to ask any questions. He himself shouldered the largest canteen.
“This’ll be enough for both until we reach the supply,” he said. “Don’t need so much water at night.”
But the tenderfoot hung upon his own shoulder, not only the smallest of their three canteens, but also the empty one which they had found in the camp. Their own third tin, almost full, they left beside Hoff, with a note. ”

“ To Average Jones the memory of that day has never been wholly clear. Sodden with weariness, dazzled and muddled by the savage sun-glare, he followed, with eyes fixed, the rhythmically, monotonously moving feet of his leader, through an interminable desert of soft, clogging sand; a desert which dropped away into parched arroyos, and rose to scorched mesas whereon fierce cacti thrust at him with thorns and spikes; a desert dead and mummified in the dreadful heat; a lifeless Inferno wherein moved neither beast, bird nor insect. ”

“ The heavyweight pursuer could not get nearer than half a dozen paces.
From the kitchen Average Jones burst into the hallway, doubled back up the stairs and made a tour of the big drawing-rooms and living-rooms of the first floor. Here, too, his glance swept room after room, from floor to ceiling. The chase then led upward to the second floor, and by direct ascent to the third. Breathing heavily, judge Ackroyd lumbered after the more active man. ”

“ Average Jones felt amply qualified to join him. But it was not in the Ad-Visor’s character to quit an enterprise before it was wholly completed. So long as the two bandits were on their way to cash the young spendthrift’s checks—Jones had heard from the victim a brief account of the extortion—success was not fully won.
“We’ve got to get that money back,” he said to Captain Funcke with conviction.
The hunter made no reply in words. He merely leaned his shotgun against his thigh, reached around beneath his coat and produced a forty-five caliber revolver. This he held out toward Jones. ”

“ Professor Gehren bowed.
“And you, Mr. Jones; are you a detective?”
“No; merely a follower of strange trails—by taste.”
“Ah. You have set yourself to a dark one. You wish to know how Telfik Bey”—his eyes narrowed and glinted—“came to his reward. Will you enter, gentlemen?”
“I know this much,” replied Average Jones as, followed by his friends, he passed through the door which their host held open. “With young Craig as an assistant, you prepared, in the loneliest part of the Hackensack Meadows, some kind of poison which, I believe, can be made with safety only in the open air.” ”

“ Half-way up this stairway, Average Jones checked his speed and surveyed the hall above. As he started again he stumbled and sprawled. A more competent observer than the infuriated pursuer might have noticed that he fell cunningly. But judge Ackroyd gave a shout of savage triumph and increased his speed. ”

“ They had covered their trail well.”
“Well, indeed,” said the governor. “May I congratulate you, Mr. Morrison, on this interesting achievement in ballistics?”
“As there is no way of properly resenting an insult from a man in your position,” said Morrison venomously, “I will reserve my answer to that outrageous suggestion.”
“Meantime,” put in Average Jones, “let me direct your attention to a simple mathematical formula.” He drew from his pocket an envelope on which were drawn some angles, subjoined by a formula. Morrison waved it aside. ”

“ Stepping from the elevator at the seventh floor, he paused underneath this sign:
MALCOLM DORR
ANALYTICAL AND CONSULTING CHEMIST
Hours 10 to 4
Entering, Average Jones found a fat young man, with mild blue eyes, sitting at a desk.
“Mr. Dorr?” he asked.
“Yes,” replied the fat young man nervously, “but if you are a reporter, I must—”
“I am not,” interrupted the other. “I am an expert on advertising, and I want that one thousand dollars reward.” ”

“ On the afternoon of August tenth, a lank, husky-voiced teamster called at the office of the Ad-Visor and was passed in ahead of the waiting line.
“I’m after that twenty,” he declared.
“Earn it,” said Average Jones with equal brevity.
“Hotel Denton. Guy on the third floor balcony—”
“Right so far.”
“Leanin’ on the rail as if he was sick. I give him a hello. ‘Takin’ a nip of night air, Bill?’ I says. He didn’t say nothin’.” ”

“ Then, courteously bidding the North Pinto Gold Mining Company farewell, the two water-dealers clambered up the rocks and disappeared beyond the abrupt sky-line.
Once again Doctor Conrad Hoff sat in the private office of Average Jones, Ad-Visor. The young man was thinner, browner and harder of fiber than the Jones of two weeks previous. Doctor Hoff looked him over with shrewd eyes.
“Say, your trip ain’t done you no harm, has it?” he exclaimed with a boisterous and false good nature. “You look like’ a fightin’-cock. Hope the boy comes out as good. You say he’s all right?” ”