Torchy

“ Another minute, and I'm strollin' over, lookin' bland and innocent.
"Any hitch?" says Mr. Robert. "Have we got to the wrong place?"
"Not much," says I. "This is the right place at the right time. Didn't you tell me to go as far as I liked, so long as I made it merry?"
"So I did, Torchy," he admits.
"Then prepare to cut loose," says I. "This way, everybody, and get on your weddin' clothes!" ”

“ Torchy is just as deliriously funny in these stories as he was in the previous book.
ON WITH TORCHY. Illustrated by F. Foster Lincoln.
Torchy falls desperately in love with "the only girl that was," but that young society woman's aunt tries to keep the young people apart, which brings about many hilariously funny situations.
TORCHY. PRIVATE SEC. Illustrated by F. Foster Lincoln.
Torchy rises from the position of office boy to that of secretary for the Corrugated Iron Company. The story is full of humor and Infectious American slang.
WILT THOU TORCHY. Illus. by F. Snapp and A. W. Brown. ”

“ Robert hangs back. He glances doubtful at Miss Hampton. But say, she's a good sport, she is.
"Come along, Robert," says she. "I'm sure Torchy has planned something unique."341
I didn't dispute her. It was all of that. First we groups the ladies on the south veranda behind a lot of screens, and herds the men around the corner. Then we unpacks them suitcases of Whitey's and distributes the things. Such regalias, too! What Mr. Robert draws is mostly two colored tights, spangled trunks, a gorgeous cape, peak-toed shoes of red leather, and a sword. ”

“ You see, she'd towed me out on the back terrace to smell how sweet the honeysuckle was and watch the moon sail up over the tall locust trees beyond the vegetable garden.
"Isn't it a perfectly gorgeous night, Torchy?" says she. "And doesn't everything look so calm and peaceful out here?"
"May look that way," says I, "but you never can tell. I like the country in the daytime all right, but at night, especially these moony ones,—Well, I don't know as I'll ever get used to 'em."
"How absurd, Torchy!" says Vee.
"Makes things look so kind of spooky," I goes on. "All them shadows. ”

“ And Torchy will do fine."
He tips me the wink as Mr. Robert hurries off.
"Same old cut-up, eh, Amby?" says I.
"Who me?" says he. "No, no! Nothing like that. Old married man, steady as a church. Uh-huh! Two years and a half in the harness. You ought to see the happy hacienda we call home down there. Say, it's forty-eight long miles out of Buenos Ayres. Can you picture that! El Placida's the name of the cute little burg. It looks it. They don't make 'em any more placid anywhere."
"I wonder you picked it then," says I.
"I didn't exactly," says Ambrose. "El Placida rather picked me. ”

“ He doesn't know how bad it is. I suppose he is all right as a wall decorator. Do you know, Torchy, they must be in serious straits. Those two little rooms of theirs are almost bare, and I'm sure they've been living on cheese and crackers for days. What do you think I've done?"
"Sent 'em an anonymous ham by parcels post?" says I.
"No," says Vee. "I'm going to have them down to-night for the rehearsal dinner."
"Fine dope!" says I. "And if they survive bein' practiced on——"
But Vee has skipped off to the kitchenette without waitin' to hear the rest.
"Is this to be a reg'lar dress rehearsal?" ”

“ Torchy goes on a treasure search expedition to the Florida West Coast, in company with a group of friends of the Corrugated Trust and with his friend’s aunt, on which trip Torchy wins the aunt’s permission to place an engagement ring on Vee’s finger. ”

“ Robert. "Of course I might douse the mainsail altogether and run under jib and jigger; but—no, I guess she'll carry it. Ease off on that main sheet a trifle, Torchy."
We was makin' a straight run for it now, slap up the Sound—and believe me we was breezin' along some swift! Vee had come back with the rest of us, her hair all sparkled up with salt spray and her eyes shinin', and shows me how to coil up the slack of the sheet like a doormat. On and on we booms, with the land miles away on either side.
"But see here!" protests Ferdie. ”

“ I want first to—— Where is Miss Hampton, Torchy?"
Well, I gives him full directions for findin' her, slips Mrs. Ryan the twenty he sends her instead of news from hubby, and then goes in, to find that Ella May is demandin' to be taken to the next train. We saw that she caught it, too, before she changed her mind.
"By George!" Mr. Robert whispers confidential to me, as the limousine rolls off with her in it, "if I could insure against such risks as that, I would take out a policy."
"You can," says I. "Any justice of the peace or minister will fix you up for life." ”

“ But what now?"
"I told them not to worry a bit," says Vee, "and that when you came home you would tell them what to do. You will, won't you, Torchy?"
Course, there was only one real sensible answer to that. Who was I, to step in casual and ditch a court order? But say, when the only girl in the universe tackles you with the clingin' clinch, hints that you're a big, brainy hero who can handle any proposition that's batted up to you—well, that's no time to be sensible. ”

“ All the work is to be collected and delivered, same as laundry.
"I would never have thought of it," explains Vee, "if it hadn't been for Tarkins. He's that pasty-faced, sharp-nosed young fellow who's been helping the janitor recently. A cousin, I believe. He's a war wreck, too. Just think, Torchy: he was in the trenches for more than a year, and has only been out of a base hospital two months. They wouldn't let him enlist again; so he came over here to his relatives. ”

“ With a pair of cherry ripes as close as that, what else was there to do?
"Why, Torchy!" says she, jumpin' away. "What made you dare——Quick, now, here comes Marjorie. Over on the front seat! And—and perhaps I shall see you again sometime."
"Your eyesight'll be bad if you don't, Vee," says I. "Good-by."
Just before the Ellins' front door closed behind her I caught the wave of a handkerchief; so I guess she can't be so awful mad. Ride back to the office? Say, I paid off the taxi and floated down Fifth-ave. as light as if it was paved with gas balloons. ”

“ I can't, of course; and Ferdie's only begun to dress."
"Ask Torchy," suggests Vee.
And, as I'm all ready except another half hitch to my white tie, I'm elected. Three minutes more and I'm whizzin' down in the limousine to receive the Southern delegate. And say, when I pipes the fairy in the half-masted skirt and the zippy Balkan bonnet, I begins bracin' myself for what I could see comin'.
One of these pouty-lipped, rich-tinted fairies, Ella May is, wearin' a baby stare and chorus-girl ear-danglers. Does she wait to be hunted up and rescued? Not her! ”

“ I'm afraid, Torchy, that I am a most every-day sort of person."
"Maybe," says I, "you're one of the scarce ones that believes in home and hubby. "
"We-e-e-ell," says Vee, lockin' her fingers and restin' her chin on 'em thoughtful, "not precisely that type, either. My mind may not be particularly advanced, but the modified harem existence for women doesn't appeal to me. And I must confess that, with kitchenette breakfasts, dinners out, and one maid, I can't get wildly excited over a wholly domestic career. Torchy, I simply must have something to do." ”

“ Aunty, what do you think? Mr. Torchy's been telling us a secret."
"There, there, Peggy," says Marjorie, "don't be silly. Torchy is waiting to see Baby. Come! He's awake now."
Yep, I had to do the inspection act, after all. And I must say that most of these infant wonders look a good deal alike; only Ferdinand, Jr., has a cute way of tryin' out his new tooth on your thumb.
Goin' back towards the station I meets Ferdy, himself, trampin' in lonesome from a long walk, and lookin' mighty glum. ”

“ Robert, slappin' his knee. "Thank you, Torchy. It shall be done. Get Mrs. Ellins on the long distance, will you?"
He's a quick performer, Mr. Robert, when he's got his program mapped out. He don't hesitate to step on the pedal. Before quittin' time that afternoon he's got it all fixed up.
"Tomorrow night," says he, "Nicky understands that we're having a dinner party out at the house. Betty'll be there. You and Vee are to be the party."
"A lot of help I'll be," says I. "But I expect I can fill a chair." ”

“ She just indulges in a flickery smile, then straightens her face out and remarks:
"Well, Torchy, I haven't had the pleasure, have I?"
Say, she's a real sport, Vee is, take it from me!
"Guess not," says I. "This is Helma, late of London, just now at large. It's a case of one's havin' mislaid one's home."
"Oh!" says Vee, a little doubtful. "And one's parents too?"
"Painful subject," says I, shakin' my head warnin'.153
But Helma ain't the kind to gloss things over. She speaks right out. "If you please, Miss," says she, "I've no mother, and Daddums has been taken up—the bobbies, you know. ”

“ Mr. Robert grins amiable and reaches out for the check. "This is on me then," says he. "I claim the privilege."
As he comes in after luncheon he has to stop and grin again; and later on, when I answers the buzzer, he makes me turn clear around so he can inspect the effect and size up the new suit.4
"Excellent, Torchy!" says he. "Whoever your tailor may be, you do him credit."
"This trip I paid cash, though," says I. "It's all right, is it?"
"In every particular," says he. "Why, you look almost grown up. May I ask the occasion? ”

“ My first move after gettin' to the Corrugated general offices is to ring up Whitey Weeks.
"This is Torchy," says I. "And ain't it awful about Penrhyn Deems?"
"Eh?" gasps Whitey. "What about him?"
"He's been found," says I. "Uh-huh! Discovered on an island by some fool friends that brought him back to town. I just saw him on Broadway."
"The simp!" groans Whitey.
"You're a great little describer, Whitey," says I. "Simp is right. But next time you want to win front page space by losing a dramatist I'd advise you to lock him in a vault. Islands are too easy located." ”

“ We slid through the door. "Much obliged for making the try, Torchy," says Brink. "You had your nerve with you, I'll say."147
"Easiest thing I do, old son," says I. "Besides, his ain't a case of ingrowin' grouch, you know."
"I was just getting that hunch myself," says Brink. "Shouldn't wonder but he was quite a decent old boy when you got under the crust. If I was only of some use around the place I'll bet we'd get along fine. As it is——" He spreads out his hands.
"Trust Old Hickory Ellins to find out whether you're any use or not," says I. "He don't miss many tricks. ”

“ Vee hesitates only long enough to draw a deep breath.
"Torchy," says she, "I have it. Form your boys into a basket brigade, and buy out Belcher below the market."
Talk about your frenzied finance! Wasn't that puttin' it over on him! For two hours, there, we went long on Belcher's potatoes at twenty, until his supply ran out too. Then he switched to sugar and butter. Quotations went off as fast as when the bottom drops out of a bull market. ”

“ Robert's name wa'n't any skimpy affair, even though we did spring an extra number on 'em offhand. For the boss insists on goin' just as we are, in our costumes, and luggin' along all the movie people. The reckless way he buys fizz for 'em, too!
And, by the time the party breaks up, Whitey Weeks is so full of gratitude and enthusiasm and other things that he near bubbles over.
"Torchy," says he, wringin' my hand fraternal, "you have given my company the time of their lives. They're all strong for you. ”

“ They're a great bunch of humorists, them commuters. Nick and Norrie has spread the news around industrious about284 my sunrise spadin' stunt, and everybody has to pull his little wheeze.
"How's the old back feel about now; eh, Torchy?" asks one.
"Great stuff!" says another. "Everybody does it—once." ”

“ Robert standin' there listenin' with a grin on.
"Congratulations!" says he. "That peroration of yours was a classic, Torchy; the true Chesterfield spirit, if not the form. I am tempted to utilize your talent for that sort of thing once more. What do you say?"
"Then put it over the plate while I'm on my battin' streak," says I. "Who's next?"
"A lady this time," says he; "perchance two ladies." And he develops that eye twinkle of his.
"Huh!" says I, twistin' my neck and feelin' of my tie. "You ain't springin' any tea-pourin' stunt, are you?" ”

“ Thought it was some sort of committee meeting."
"Then that eliminates all but some member of the office staff," says Old Hickory. "Torchy, you acted as secretary. Do you remember that anyone came into the directors' room during our session?"
"Not a soul," says I.
"Except the boy Vincent," suggests Piddie.
"Ah, he wasn't in," says I. "Only came to the door with some telegrams; I took 'em myself."
"But was not a letter sent to our Western manager," Piddie goes on, "hinting that the G. L. T. dividend might be passed, and doesn't the boy have access to the private letter book?" ”

“ But half an hour later, after Miss Allen has stuck her gum on the paperweight and skipped, and Sweetwater has slid out too, and just as I was gettin' ready to call it a day, Mr. Pepper calls me in on the rug.
"Torchy," says he, "during the brief period that we have been associated in business I have found your services very valuable and your society very cheering. In other words, Torchy, you're all right."
"There's a pair of us, then," says I. "You're as good as they make them, Mr. Pepper." ”