Arthur Sullivant Hoffman

“ Few of thim they was that wasn't too tight for the like of me, so off come some of me clothes. Be the time they was all on but the gas-range me head was to go into, I could feel me feet makin' dints in the top of the box from the weight of me. And they wasn't annything soft on the inside of that hardware.
"'Slippy,' says I, 'this ain't no hammock. I'm fearin' I can't be no canned human for longer than till nixt leap-year,' I says.
"'Sh!' says he. 'Don't be movin' anny! The noise of it will bring the whole house up here, It's proud ye should be to be wearin' that arr-more. ”

“ There ain't enough water in thim clouds to make a highball for a man that takes it straight.'
"'O lady fair,' says he, with his pencil dug into his cheek, 'O heart of mine. O soul of all the world——'
"'How did ye git here?' I inquires of him.
"'I met a frind of mine isn't isn't a poet, an' we had dinner,' he says, 'an' wine. A loaf of wine, a jug of bread, an" thou beloved beside me singing up in Paradise oh Paradise waz wilderness in now.'
"'Niver mind,' says I, soothin', 'niver mind. What I waz meanin' waz, do ye live here?'
"'Oh, no,' he says, 'I only come here to write po'try. ”

“ But they wasn't no chanct to dodge him, and inside of ten minutes the two of us was settin' side by side in a subway car like both of us wanted to. He was gittin' cheerfuller ivry minute, and the cheerfuller he got, the more I fell to wishin' I'd niver seen the likes of him. He didn't look like anny human annyhow, and I begun prayin' the saints he wasn't, for if he was, thin they wasn't anny answer to him. 'Tare and ages!' the thought come to me sudden, 'he's a detective, he is, and may the divil dance on the skinny back of him till they's snow a foot deep where the both of thim belongs! ”

“ Pettenby bein' sore on his nephew annyways, they was nothin' to do but call on Miss Howard, sorry as Muttons was to do it.
"He was a good liar, considerin' what unpromisin' material he was workin' with and that he thought he was tellin' the truth part of the time, but it was easy to see the girl wasn't makin' up her mind all to wanct. Mr. Adolphus was standin' there, lookin' grim but in no ways like he was in a tight place, and it was her he was watchin', not me nor Muttons.
"'Is anny of it true, Dolph?' she says, quiet-like. ”

“ Just as I waz takin' me eyes away a man in wan of these long autymobile coats, an' wid blinders on, run out across the road from my side the pike, carryin' something in his arms. 'He may be pursuin' Lucy from the big house,' thought I, 'or the lunytic may have met him and sicked him on me.' I made a dive for the door, findin' manny other things first, an' whin I reached it this new lunytic waz just climbin' into the front seat of me autymobile, and before me very eyes he took hold the handles and away they wint, hell-headed for Granewood! ”

“ I waz not the fool to throw away its warnin'. 'The man's poor, annyways,' thinks I, 'an' if he don't relapse, he can be helpin' me inside.' Whin wanct me mind is made up, it's no time is lost.
"'Ye say ye are poor,' says I. 'Do ye need money?'
"'Money, is it? Look at me hair,' he says. 'Close cropped. Ye can tell how poor a poet is be how short his hair is. Some of thim is bald-headed,' says he, 'bald-headed.'
"'I thought they all wore it long,' says I.
"'Not thim,' he says. 'Whin they git real poor, they have to wear it short so people will give thim a job makin' a livin' be workin'. ”

“ Faith, for a minute I was thinkin' he was a ghost, but he hadn't no more than landed whin he begun draggin' up after him a long board with slats nailed to it what some boys must 'a' left there for a ladder. Me hand just missed the ind of it, me foot slippin' on top a pile of bricks and rollin' me down over the sharp corners of thim.
"I wint all round that second-story room, mostly crawlin'—och, me poor feet, it was perishin' with the pain of thim I was!—but niver a way of gittin' up to him, and him likely to drop down on the off side and run like a rabbit if I took me attention off him. ”

“ I'd told Muttons the proofs was weak—they was—and the only chanct was to make the nephew confiss, so the Englishman gint figured a lime-light rise from the dead be a pile of scrap-iron would be a ixcellint and splendiferous manner of eggin' him into doin' of it. If nothin' ilse, it would be makin' him look like he was guilty be scarin' him into a blitherin' idiot afore the girl, whilst Muttons, bein' on, would show up fine like he was wan of thim heroes, and maybe pile it on a bit be tryin' to save the young man. ”

“ Well, we come to Anisley an' we slowed up an' we turned off to the right an' we run chock into a man in the middle of the road! The whole thing tuk about wan sicond. There he waz, in the light of me big lantern, an' he give a little squirm an' wint up in the air just afore we hit him an' thin he was on the coffin-plow, hangin' on to the idge wid wan hand and to a suit-case wid the other! An' the autymobile niver stopped goin'! Tim, I'm a liar, but I'm tellin' ye the truth. There waz a freight train thunderin' by nixt to us and he had n't heard me comin'. ”

“ Tim answered in disgust, "an' ye so drunk ye couldn't tell a tug whistle from a trolley-car. An' annyways, it waz."
"Well," replied Moran, "it just shows what fool plans a woman makes whin there's no man to keep her sinsible. ”

“ But where do ye take me?'
"Now I'd been thinkin' of a old warehouse near Mike O'Hara's dock with a fine cellar in it and no wan nosin' round, but it's mesilf is too knowledgeable to be tellin' ivrything that's in me head, even if they was time for it. 'We'll be gittin' me shoes first,' I says, 'and thin we'll be climbin' down to me boat and cross the river,' I says, 'where they ain't room for so manny mosquities.'
"'All right,' says he, cheerful, 'though I don't mind thim anny, as I told ye a bit gone. ”

“ Let me talk to you, Patsy, for I'm terrible lonely without you and I can't have you thinking I done you a ow trick like that.
Lucy.
Moran tossed the letter on the beer-stained table with an air of bravado.
“Is she the lunytic hersilf?” he asked scornfully, “thinkin' I'm lunytic enough to belave such tale as that? Faith, I thought she had brains for a better!”
“There's more brains in the little finger av her than in yer whole big carcass,” growled Tim, not looking toward Moran, “an' she niver played no low game on no wan! Are yez goin' back to her?”
“I'm not!” Moran made answer. ”

“ We waz nayther of us givin' anny heed to the poet chap, whin he comminced laughin' to himsilf tremindous an' maunderin' some more po'try. It's funny how thim words stuck in me raymimbrance whin I wazn't listenin' to thim:
"'An' no wan shall work for money, an' no wan shall work for fame, but each,' says he, 'each—an' no wan shall work for money—' an' he begun draggin' a chair over the floor an' thin another wan, '—work for money—said it waz a nice thing to come home to, an' called me a pair of thieves—me! ”

“ Sure, they's times whin dumb beasts can be teachin' anny of us, and thim mosquities is after havin' their own reasons. And do ye mind,' I wint on to mesilf, 'how he wint up that ladder like he was floatin' on air?' Faith, I think I was half believin' him a ghost, excipt for his neck feelin' a bit solid whin I pulled on the suspinders. ”

“ Bein' disp'rit, howiver, I wint at it all over ag'in with thim big iron pipes on each of me fingers and the whole of that ballygasted arr-more workin' in till it was a inch under the skin of me and me gittin' hotter iv'rv minute. Thim kings Slippv mintioned must 'a' had a wonderful excitin' time. Right in the middle of me football game I raymimbered Slippy had run off with me coat and trousies! I'd been feelin' like all the clothes in the world was on me, and the thought of thim trousies took from me what life they was left. ”

“ It's surprised I am she did n't give ye a olive-spoon, or a carvin'-set, just to show her gratitude.'
“'It waz enough she had on the hands of her that night, as I'm goin' to show ye,' says Lucy, disregardful-like, 'widout foolin' wid carvin'-sets an' burglarious women. Miss Edith an' the kids wint to the Cross-roads to meet some man. She don't go autyin' at two in the mornin' just for fun. An' if she had n't been there for just that she would niver have been so anxious to follow him that she'd have took a strange man like you in wid her—meanin' no disrespect, Patsy,' says she. ”

“ But me wits was workin' agin be this time, an' better than iver. Says I to mesilf, 'He's either crazy or drunk, or ilse he ain't. If he's crazy, shoot him. If he's drunk, shoot him. An' if he ain't, shoot him. Or anny ways, git the drop on him. There's but two things for me to do—wan of thim is to git out of here, an' the other wan is to git out of here quick! The poet is drunk enough to prove an alibi, an' annyways he couldn't git out of the house if you waz to start him on a toboggan-slide. ”

“ Pettenby's nephew ain't in no trouble,' he says.
"'That's nice of ye, sor,' says I, polite.
"'But Mr. Pettenby' nephew does need money,' says he. thinkin' to himsilf.
"Ye can't pick a man out of a crowd be that,' I says. And right thin it come to me I'd seen me Sassenach frind afore, but I couldn't quite be placin' him.
"'Mr. Pettenby don't like his nephew much.' says he, ruminatin' some more.
"'He don't?' says I.
"'Mr. Pettenby wouldn't standin' by his nephew in this,' he says, lookin' thoughtful at the outside of me arr-more. ”

“ The steps come nearer. 'They ain't anny ghost makes that much noise,' I says, niver losin' me nerve or movin' a inch annywheres. 'Though ye can't niver tell about ghosts.' And just thin a little man come strollin' round the corner of a wall and stood lookin' at me. It wasn't so dark yet but what I could be makin' out what little they was of him, and if iver wan of thim dudes in the newspaper funny-pictures come to life, here he was, only thim funny-pictures must 'a' been drawed by ammyteurs. ”

“ Thin she begun thinkin' to hersilf. It always makes me nervous-like to have a woman around that ain't talkin', an' glad I waz whin she looked up at me suddin.
“'Patsy,' says she, 'I have figured it out.'
“'Sure,' I says, disgusted. 'I figured it out that same night. They waz all lunytics, Miss Edith or no Miss Edith. If Miss Edith waz n't nutty, why would she let ye go free an' welcome whin she had ye there wid the silver in yer very hands? ”

“ It's only whin they git rich enough to starve as a poet that they can afford to let it grow long. An' such of thim as sells enough po'try to the magazines to live on it ivery other week or so, keeps it long to prove they're poets in spite of the ividence aginst thim,' he says.
"'Ye're Irish,' says I.
"'I'm drunk,' says he. 'I always talk bist whin I'm drunk, an' thin I can't raymimber it whin I'm sober.' An' he begun makin' tearful sounds agin. ”

“ It ain't right, sor, and I'm goin' to give ye your liberty and let ye go without chargin' ye annything.'
"'Why,' says he, 'I don't want to git away!' he says, his voice growin' sorrowful.
"'That ain't got ahnything to do with it, sor, askin' your pardon,' I says; 'it's me conscience, and they ain't anny use arguin' with a man's conscience whin its dander is up. I've got to let ye go, sor,' I says, 'and ye can do it now. ”

“ Ye might almost as well 'a' tried to find a hidin'-place on the outside of a pool-hall, and be the time we reached the third floor I was feelin' a bit nervous, though the family was all wan flight down on the sicond floor, drissin' thimsilves. We wint into the libr'y room, and starin' at me as we come in the door was the most outrageous and bediviled human image I iver seen, with the light glintin' off it scarey.
"'Name o' heaven, Slippy!' says I, husky, and grabbin' him. 'What's that?'
"'Bah,' says he, 'it's a suit of arr-more, ye fool,' says he, like as if he'd growed up with thim things. ”

“ But it's no good stayin' in a suspicious-like neighborhood, even whin ye can't hilp bein' pure and innocent—and thin I knowed if they hang a horse-thief out West the man what stole a autymobile in the East waz like to be crucified. While I waz standin' in the side door, debatin' how to git annywheres at all, I heard another 'chug-chug.' 'Faith,' says I, 'I'm gittin' the habit!' The noise come from toward the big house. 'They 're followin' Lucy,' thinks I, 'and I hopes they git her. ”

“ Thin out of the million things I waz seein', the man's face come workin' out prominint, an' twaz plain he waz thinkin' hard himsilf. Be the same token he waz lookin' worried. I waz thirty-two whin the poet quit talkin', an' whin I was about forty-six, the man says to me all of a sudden, so quick it made me jump:
"'Moran!' says he, me hair standin' up on tiptoes at him knowin' me name, 'Moran, the frind that saved me from thim ruffians down on the Bowery last summer! I niver knew ye. Ye have no need to rob my house!' he says. 'If ye wanted money, why didn't ye come to me? ”

“ Whin we come to our station, I endivored to lose him wanct more, whin we was walkin' crosstown I tried it ag'in, and in Central Park I tried it twict. I might as well tried to dodge a ghost what was hauntin' me. And him cheerfuller than iver and not seemin' to notice annything!
"'Look here, sor,' I says, whin he was pretty well into the East Side, feelin' I could stand no more of it, 'I've been thinkin' it over, and me conscience is hurtin' me. Ye niver did me no wrong, and here I am kidnappin' ye. ”

“ Insides is outsides, outsides is insides.' and I wint on, ramblin', till I wint off me nut or ilse I wint to sleep. Whin I come to, it was after tin and they wasn't annything left for me but that fool plan of Muttons and me havin' forgot me part in it entirely.
"I was settin' on the idge of me box with me elbows on me knees, disconsolate, whin the door come open sudden and there was a young man standin' regardin' me calm-like! Mind ye, I as tired beyond what anny man had been afore, but me brains was still with me and I begun usin' thim immediate. ”

“ The job we waz to pull off togither waz at a big country place up the Sound where the silver got dints in it from bein' so crowded, and they had to keep the jewelry in the cellar where the floors waz strong. It waz her always done the head-work, I'll say that for her, an' me that tindid to the rist, but this time all that fell to me waz to float in on the scene wid me autymobile and float out agin wid the swag. ”

“ Kidnappin' is easy whin ye have a place to kidnap thim to, but they ain't no money in settin' down with a man annywheres ye find him and tellin' him ye've got his tab and will his frinds give ye all their money.
"'Let's climb up the Palisades ag'in and take the trolley to the ferry,' says he. ”

“ Sure, Tim, thim driss-suits is queer things. I wonder how folks iver waz so bad, the divil waz allowed to invint thim at all. Ye notice he goes naked himsilf. An' tight, is it? The vests of thim is intinded to fit ye under the skin instid of outside your shirt. Says I, 'How do ye eat without undrissin'?' 'Ye don't eat,' says Linsky. 'They have dinner-coats for that.' Whin I saw mesilf in the glass, it waz like lookin' at a big, black doughnut with legs to it an' a white hole in the middle. But I rinted the driss-suit an' wint home to practise. ”

“ He waz a fine big man waz the lunytic. I took the nixt train.
“And that's why I'm done wid Lucy,” and Moran picked up his glass again and beat with it upon the table until a disreputable waiter came to replace it with a full one.
“It waz bad enough and more to play me crooked and go off wid another man and play him crooked and go off wid the swag, but I might 'a' stood for that if it hadn't been for the lunytics. ”

“ I would kidnap me little gintleman and hold him for wan of thim ransoms! 'Sure,' I says to mesilf, 'they're kidnappin' boys all the time, and it's the tidy sum a grown man would be bringin' me, though it's the little wan he is and part wore out.'
"'I say, sor,' I calls up to him, polite, from behind me wall, and droppin' a whole brick closer to him than common, 'wouldn't it be after bein' more pleasant for ye to come down willin',' I says, 'than to have wan of thim bricks search the head of ye for brains and turn the corpse over to me? To say nothin' of the mosquities,' I says. ”

“ Divil a English lord I'd iver hugged afore, and the sinsation was new to me and disconcertin'. 'Well,' says I, me breath comin' back in me, 'me apologies to Finny Myers, annyways. Finny ain't annything but a thief, and Mr. Adolphus will explain to ye what this gintleman's after bein', miss,' I says to the young lady. And thin I told her enough of it in two words mesilf, though wan look at Muttons would have been convincin' the whole of Missouri. It done the work. ”

“ Be all the saints, there waz two women standin' there, an old wan an' a young wan, with their hats on, an' each of thim lookin' more surprised an' sorrowful than the other! It waz the poet they waz lookin' at mostly, an' I raymimber feelin' kindly to thim for it. ”

“ A big man and a little woman.'
“'Jack,' says she to the lad in the front seat, 'kin we catch thim?'
“'We kin catch annything,' says Jack, proud-like.
“'Git in,' says the lady to me. 'Ally stay here and watch.'
“Ally climbed out quick, like a soldier takin' orders, and I climbed in the same way, for she was the gineral of a woman and I wanted to. ”

“ Wan of the things they lift waz different kinds of liquor, enough to make sinsible people of all the fools, to say nothin' of makin' what sinsible people they is foolish. I tried some of those that waz new to me, holdin' him back from havin' too much. Thin we filled me grip an' wan we found for him an' all our pockets widout bulgin' thim too much, an' thin I says to him, kind-like:
"'I think we will be goin' home now.' says I, buttonin' up me vest an' makin' tidy to pass the Eldeane people like gintlemen. ”

“ If iver I go annywheres ag'in without a gun, may the divil fly away with me! So I wint behind a bit of wall mesilf. And there he was.
"Of course, I was ragin', and I begun tossin' bricks back at him. Hiven knows they was enough of thim! Whin he'd throwed about twinty, doin' no harm with thim, thim little arms of his wore out, and I kept just enough of thim goin' to make him nervous-like without hurtin' him. wonderin' in between would it be safe to go after me poor shoes and could I git thim on if I did, me feet bein' swelled surprisin'. ”