Edward Streeter

“ The last week on the range we lived in pup tents. A pup tent Mable is like the roof of a dog house without the house. They call em pup tents cause no one but a very young dog would be fool enough to sleep under one. ”

“ Cheerful by nature. Ever anxious to be where they are not. Ever anxious to be somewhere else when they get there. Without thought of sacrifice. Who have left the flag-waving to those at home. Who serve as a matter of course. ”

“ We been in the old army so long, an weve done the same things an cussed at them so many times, that you get sort of fond of the whole business just like you do any job that takes an awful long time an a lot of hard work to finish, but that youve finished. ”

“ The Captin appresheates me though. The other day he watched me work awhile and then he says "Smith." He calls me Smith now. We got very friendly since I been nice to him. I noticed none of the other fellos had much to say to him. I felt kind of sorry for him. Hes a human bein even if he is a Captin, Mable. So every time I saw him I used to stop him and talk to him. Democratic. Thats me all over, Mable. "Smith" he says "If they was all like you round here war would be hell, no joke." ”

“ In the army your not supposed to be able to use anything till you know how its made. You dont know how to put on a gas mask till you know whats in the tin box an who was the first fello to use it. You cant talk over a fone till your able to sit down an make one out of an old cigar box an a piece of balin wire.
I never knew so little about so much in my life. You sit here all day an lissen to a fello tell you how if you multiply something by enuff other things you can hit a Fritz in the stummick three miles away. ”

“ Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello was there. He says he likes that kind of a party. He is always full of get up and go from the minute he gets there.
I never saw so many dying relatives in my life as is comin by telegram every day. Have you got an epidermic or somethin up north, Mable? It seems as if everybody I know had been home at least once to help his grandmother die. None of em seem to care much for their relatives, [36] though, from the way they act when there startin home to watch them pass away. ”

“ The cook says its the old theory of the arrival of the fittest. But I guess you dont know nothin about cience, Mable. When I go to town I wrap my blouze in a newspaper. If they know your goin they give you a list of things to get that looks like a Chinese Message to Congress. By the time you go to come home you got so many bundles you look like one of those fellos in the Funny Papers. Everyone stands in the square lookin like a hat rack waitin for the three taxis to come along. When they see one they rush it like they do in the movies when the milunares cars runs over the poor fellos kid. ”

“ Theres always some smart alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hes just come up from the picket line. We got a mess sargent tho that makes Shylock Homes look like a night watchman. He could tell yesterdays greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit with sandpaper.
The Fritzes are more balled up on there money than the French. These fellos dont even know what the stuffs worth themselves. They have two kinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know wether marks make fennigs or fennigs make marks. ”

“ Dere Mable:
Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin round somethin awful all mornin. Theres always some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, is watchin. When we catch him you bet well give him whats what.
While we was snoopin round we just discovered somethin awful. All the life rafts what the officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The water would come right through. As soon as we find the fello whats rockin the boat were goin to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell make us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. ”

“ We had a great dinner. Soup an turky, dressin, crambury sause an pie an smashed potatoes. All in one plate. I wish you could have heard how the fellos enjoyed it Mable. I know now why they call the turkys gobblers.
Thanksgivin is a holiday. All a fello has to do on a holiday in the artillery is to feed the horses an give em a drink an smooth em out an take em for a walk an then feed em an smooth em out an feed em an give em a drink. It makes a fello feel like givin back a dollar out of his pay at the end of the month.
"MAX GLUCOS WHAT LIVES ON THE NEXT COT"
"SMITH ARE YOU LAFFIN AT ME?" ”

“ Some is upside down, some lap over each other, some is leanin agenst the sides of the trench an in the deep places some isnt there at all. Joe Mink says it keeps a fello on his toes.
Every four or five feet they leave out half a dozen slats. If you dont break your neck in one of these places they get the corners banked the wrong way so youll slide off an get drownd. If they miss you on the straitaway theyll get you on the turns.
The Lootenant sleeps with a couple of doboy oficers in a sekshun of engine boiler set in the side of the trench. I sleep down in a place that looks like an old mine. ”

“ Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you ask em say they cant do nothin. Then if they think they aint goin to be urged they say there rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when they get down rehersin they get so pleased with themselves they dont want to quit an give nobody else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to get them away when they get through. One fello plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun songs. He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every time. ”

“ You felt somebody ought to get out an wind the engine every time it stopped. Whenever we got to stashuns a lot of fellos in long coats would come out an blow whissels. Sometimes wed start but most of the time nothin happened. At last I found a job for the Top sargent when the war is over. ”

“ They give you free movies thats so old they look as if they was taken in the rain.
It seems like feedin the hippo at the zoo, Mable. It dont matter so much as long as theres lots of it.
Im goin into town tonite with a bunch to eat a swell dinner on a china plate. All but Angus MacKenzie. He eats all his dinners on me. Im awful sick of eatin out of a tin fryin pan. When you put food in it it folds up like a jacknife goin the wrong way. It takes months to make a good mess kit eater.
We get our mess from some fellos what stands behind a counter. ”

“ The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, and yello dogs without any stummucks. Angus an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came out with a round hair cut an says "Howdy boys, wont ye light an strip?" Angus says that he didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an get warm. Eh Mable?
Once in a while when we cant eat what the cook gives us which is most of the time we go down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes pan cakes. She always carries a kid under her arm like an over coat. ”

“ A truck came in last nite with a lot of bread an a quarter of a cow done up in burlap like summer furniture so everybodies forgot the war in favor of a roast beef dinner.
It certinly is goin to make me laugh, Mable, if I should ever get home an see those sines about bread all done up in tishue paper what aint never touched human hands since the fello that rapped it up. Over here they handle bread like coal only a little rougher not havin any shoots an things.
Our bread comes in round loaves like the French. Its handier to carry an dont bust so easy when it hits things. ”

“ There always inspectin us. I feel like a piece of prize beef. They never inspect a man all the way through. I guess the inspecters get payed by the day durin the duration of the inspecshun. One day its our teeth an another our heart an another our lungs. The other day we was all lined up in the company street and the Sargent says "Inspecshun arms." I lays down my gun an rolls up my sleves. Just to show you how tecknickle the army is he didnt want to see my arms at all but my gun. Hows a fello goin to tell, Mable? ”

“ Angus says they only get wild certain times of the year. Angus wont drink Bevo. He says it looks the same and tastes the same but it aint got the same influence with him.
The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has been tryin to get us to go on what he calls a coon hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin with him this week. They hunt them at night. I suppose thats so you cant see them so well. He takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I guess the mountin ears got a cold. The coon climbs a tree, then you cut the tree down and then the coon of course has to come down to. ”

“ Sleepin in the daytime is a kind of a joke anyway in the army. Every time you get to sleep the horses has to be fed. And when your not feedin them you got to get up an feed yourself. In the army a fellos hungry when they tell him to eat an no other time.
After theyd blown a horn at me about eight different times I figgered I might as well stay up an rite you a letter. Now that were gettin up near the front Im goin to rite just as much as I can. Thats partly sos you wont worry an partly so that if I get knocked off you will have something to amuse you in case you go into a convent. ”

“ All the fellos whats ritin looks up an says "Aw one thing and another." I dont know who the bald headed fello is. They got one in every Y.M.C.A. They all look about alike. I guess there a regular issue. Theys always a bunch of fellos what dont seem to kno why they came. They all start singin. Then I cant rite no more or do nothin. So I come home an go to bed. Independent. Thats me all over, Mable.
Most of the taxis is swalowed up in the mud. Theys only two or three runnin now. Only the big strong fellos can get to town. ”

“ Im not takin no chances though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I pound each one of them good before I pick em up.
Im beginning to think all this stuff about the mountin ears bein wild is a lot of fake. I been out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin stills an the nearest thing we found to one was a fello what sold Bevo. An they dont seem to be very wild. They come round and get our dirty wash every day or two and the only wild thing is me when they bring it back. They all seem to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They all shave there necks and let there wiskers grow. ”

“ These fellos will eat anything from the hobnails out of your shoes to a bag of Bull. They make a goat look like a dispeptik. You dont notice them while the candles are lit an your movin around. As soon as you blow out the light an lie still, tho, you can hear them comin out all over to have dinner off your equipment.
They have what they call a runners bench outside the tin house where the Lootenant sleeps. Joe an I is supposed to take turns sittin there. Its something like the bell hops bench in a hotel only this is an active front. You wont get that for a minit, Mable. ”

“ If goin over the top is any worse than gettin under the top of one of them things with fifty bundles an as many fellos then Sherman didnt know many swear words, eh Mable? But thats history. I guess you wouldnt understand.
An then when you get home without a bath or a hair cut or the movies or nothin, an you forgot to get that shavin soap for yourself an spent all your money they say "Thanks Bill. Put it over there. Can you change a ten dollar bill?" There ought to be a law against makin money in such big numbers. ”

“ I asked the Captin if there was a lake where a fello could get a canoo and have a little paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun of animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when we came up. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where it was while we were unhitchin. He said we were in it then. It isnt nothin but a big field without a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in the middle. I told him if he thought this was a park he ought to see Weewillo Park home. I guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way in often enough. ”

“ The people here wear wooden shoes an have big manure piles an no shapes. Theyll scrub the inside of the house till its so clean you could eat offen the floor. Only I never could see any advantage in that cause nobody in his right mind would want to eat there. Then theyll build a manure pile right under the front windo. That aint so bad here as it would be home cause the only time they open the windos is when they want to throw something out. Then they shut em quick sos they wont let out any air. ”

“ Everyones gettin sweters without sleeves and gloves without fingers. We still got everything we started with Mable. Why not sox without feet and pants without legs. If your makin these things for after the war I think your anticipatin a little. Besides its depresin for the fellos to be reminded all the time. Its like givin a fello a life membership to the Old Soldiers home to cheer him up when he sails. I was sayin the other day that if the fellos at Washington ever get onto this theyll be issuin soleles shoes and shirtles sleves. ”