Edward Streeter

“ Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you ask em say they cant do nothin. Then if they think they aint goin to be urged they say there rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when they get down rehersin they get so pleased with themselves they dont want to quit an give nobody else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to get them away when they get through. One fello plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun songs. He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every time. ”

“ Dere Mable:
Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin round somethin awful all mornin. Theres always some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, is watchin. When we catch him you bet well give him whats what.
While we was snoopin round we just discovered somethin awful. All the life rafts what the officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The water would come right through. As soon as we find the fello whats rockin the boat were goin to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell make us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. ”

“ Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres no danger in that though, cause if they ever find themselves workin back towards last pay day theyll go ahead for a while.
Angus says that every time they set us back half an hour the government skins every man out of pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. A nickul never meant nothin to me one way or the other as you ought to know better than any one. ”

“ The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, and yello dogs without any stummucks. Angus an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came out with a round hair cut an says "Howdy boys, wont ye light an strip?" Angus says that he didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an get warm. Eh Mable?
Once in a while when we cant eat what the cook gives us which is most of the time we go down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes pan cakes. She always carries a kid under her arm like an over coat. ”

“ Angus says they only get wild certain times of the year. Angus wont drink Bevo. He says it looks the same and tastes the same but it aint got the same influence with him.
The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has been tryin to get us to go on what he calls a coon hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin with him this week. They hunt them at night. I suppose thats so you cant see them so well. He takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I guess the mountin ears got a cold. The coon climbs a tree, then you cut the tree down and then the coon of course has to come down to. ”

“ I asked the Captin if there was a lake where a fello could get a canoo and have a little paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun of animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when we came up. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where it was while we were unhitchin. He said we were in it then. It isnt nothin but a big field without a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in the middle. I told him if he thought this was a park he ought to see Weewillo Park home. I guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way in often enough. ”

“ Im not takin no chances though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I pound each one of them good before I pick em up.
Im beginning to think all this stuff about the mountin ears bein wild is a lot of fake. I been out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin stills an the nearest thing we found to one was a fello what sold Bevo. An they dont seem to be very wild. They come round and get our dirty wash every day or two and the only wild thing is me when they bring it back. They all seem to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They all shave there necks and let there wiskers grow. ”

“ No drill or nothin. All a fello has to do all day is go around with a pick and shovel and dig.
Were still firin away at the range but we havnt hit it yet. If they keep firin amunishun around much longer they wont have nothin left to fire at the Germans but the guns. Eh Mable? Thats the kind of thing Im always sayin in line. Keeps the fellos from gettin depresed.
I learned one thing about artillery. It aint as dangerous as I thought. They fire at what they call a target but it aint like any target I ever saw. It aint got circles round it or nothin. ”

“ Joe Loomis says theres a lot of traffic through here and these big boats cuts it all up. Thats how ignorant that fello is, Mable. Its gettin colder all the time to. I wouldnt be surprised if we had got turned north by mistake and would land up in Labordoor or somethin.
One of the boat officers is called the Executioner Officer. Every day most he comes round and says its half an hour earlier than it is. Thats the way those fellos use there awthority. Nobody dasnt contradict them. I guess thats the way these boats make records so often, Mable. ”

“ Now the stable sargent says I hurt the horse. Thats stable sargents all over. If the horse had bit my head off hed have thought it was an awful [22] joke. All I say is that Im not as strong as a horse even if I did win a lot of cups at high school an if I can stand on to legs a horse can to only hes to lazy.
Max Glucos and Angus and me goes over to see the mountin ear what sells Bevo once in a while. ”

“ Its like those picturs you see stuck around Main Street about men wanted for the army. Theres always one fello playin tunes on a bugle, an a couple of fellos playin Old Maid on a table. An off in the corner theres always a bunch lyin under the trees like the High School tennis team having there pictur taken. Now that isnt the kind of thing we do at all, Mable. If the top sargent ever found us like that hed swallo his whissle. ”

“ You cant do nothin right for a man like that though.
Im learnin a lot about cannons an there habits. There like horses. When you first get them there wild. The Captin told me that every other battery but his was awfully wild. He has trouble with his though cause the other day they telefoned up that theyed just broken one of his guns. I guess he likes em better wild cause he got awful sore. But you couldnt do anything right for the Captin.
"THEY GET AWFUL FAT, OF COURSE"
[17]
You ought to see the Major, Mable. A major is a fello that only comes round once a week. ”

“ Monday mornin we hiked back to camp. They got us up so early I thought they was blowin taps. The Lieutenant was awful sore. I guess a drop [45] of water came through his tent somewhere during the night and lit on him. ”

“ Joe thought he was talkin to him and kept askin "Hows that and what say" all the time he was prayin.
I aint never goin out with that fello no more. I guess thats safe cause he wont never be ast. All the time durin dinner he kept sayin, "My gawd I hate to make such a hog of myself." Then the minister would look like hed lost some money and my girl would giggle. The ministers wife passed him some stuff she said was real old [39] spider corn cake. Joe said he didnt care how old it was. Since hed been in the army hed got sos he could eat anything. ”

“ He outran the other fello all the way. Angus says they ought to make speshul fighting rings with banked corners sos fighters could make better time.
Joe thinks he won yet. He says if he hadnt slipped and fell out of the ring on his elbow hed have nocked that fellos head offen his shoulders so hard it would have hurt somebody. Im glad I borrowed the money I bet on him. It might have been a total loss.
Im going to ask the Lieutenant to make me a bugler, Mable, sos I can find where buglers go between meals. Nobody ever sees a bugler except at mess and on payday. ”

“ They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on them along the sides from the top floor down to the water. A fello told me they was to climb down when all the rowboats was gone. Some fellos is in an awful hurry to get drowned. If [66] there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath Im goin to keep em waitin as long as I can. The fello what hung em must have had arms like a munkey cause there hangin about six feet from the side.
These Germans must have been awful tanks, Mable. They got one whole floor they call saloon deck. ”

“ Dont feel you got to stop nittin me things just because I cant use them now. You cant tell when well have another winter. Besides it gives you somethin to think about when you sittin talkin.
Im sending you a new piece on the phoneygraph that I got in the ten cent store. Its called "look out Germany, I am comin." It gives you [28] an idea of the way I feel. I got to stop now an go an see some fellos in another battery. I just herd the top sargent blow his whissle.
yours till I rite again
Bill. ”

“ That aint right for a bunch what expects to be with em any minit.
Once a day we go up on one of the upper piazzas to exercise. A fello might as well try to swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. The only exercise you can do without knockin off the head of the fello next to you is eyes right and eyes left.
The Captin is always talkin about goin below. Seein how we all may any minit, it aint no time for jokin about it. He says to me yesterday "Smith, fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down [62] below." Aint that the Captin all over, Mable? ”

“ The only trouble is that it works the other way. When I do happen to miss a day not bein on guard I have to go to sleep after I work for two hours. Of course that interferes with the drill skedule, Mable, but you cant explain nothing to a top sargent.
I overslept the other mornin. I didn't here the horn. I dont see how they expect a fello to here the horn if hes a sleep. If he herd it hed be awake. I got out before they started firin anyway. I had to go without breakfast to do it. I wasnt goin to complain about that, though. Soldierin every minit. Thats me all over, Mable. ”

“ I just menshuned it sos you wouldnt worry. Ill tell you more about the telefone the next time. I may know more about it myself then.
Yours till they curve one
Bill.
"I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY"
[5]
Dere Mable:
Were still up at the artillery range shootin. I dont know what at. Im beginnin to think nobody else does ether. Our guns is pointed right at some woods. Weve been shootin at those woods now for a week and havnt hit them yet. We always seem to go over them. Theres a fello stands behind the guns and yells things all day like it was a poker game. "Up five, up ten." ”

“ The Captins gone to Fort Silly now to learn somethin. I just told Angus MacKenzie I thought hed get more at Fort Levenworth. But thats a tecknickle joke, Mable. Of course you wont get it. I guess the Lieutenant thought he was in the audience department or somethin cause right away after the Captin left he came down and [21] said now he was goin to make a battery out of us. I told him I knew where there was a good dry cell just above New York. That fello wouldnt laff though, Mable, if Joe Miller hisself told him a joke. All he thinks of is smoothin out horses. ”

“ Well, Mable, pretty soon well be coming back from the range an goin into town again. I been [18] away so long I bet William S. Hart has grown a beard. When you rite I wish youd look up and see when lent is sos I could give up a little somethin. The way a fello loses track of national holidays down here is awful. ”

“ There made out of a couple of pieces of stuff like what you make porus nit underclothes out of. You button em together if theres any buttons. It dont make much difference as far as keepin the rain out is concerned. The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it. ”

“ Joe Loomis says there to pull us down quick sos we dont suffer. The Captin says today that when we sink all men gets into rowboats and the officers hang on to rafts. Theres somethin wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the rowboats to see whats the matter with them. ”

“ It struck me that I might have worked that out myself but I didnt say nothin. Then he says after a minute. "When I say check its ten fifty nine (10.59) ." Then just to save him trouble I says "I got a watch myself sir. And as a matter of fact your five minutes fast." I guess I was slow. But as I say bein in arrest aint no disgrace like bein in the city.
Im going to ask the Captin to let me off this telefone job. Whenever they dont know who to let out on they let out on the telefone man. What they want is a mind reader not a fello with brains. ”