Irene W. Hartt

“ Indeed, we feel inclined to go much farther than he has on the subject, and call it one of her crowning charms. How often the spell of beauty is rudely broken by coarse, loud talking! How often you are irresistibly drawn to a plain, unassuming woman, whose soft, silvery tones render her positively attractive. In the social circle, how pleasant it is to hear a woman talk in that low key which always characterizes the true lady. In the sanctuary of home how such a voice soothes the fretful child and cheers the weary husband. ”

“ If you must be selfish, remember it is making yourself happier to have your husband love you as he loves no other earthly being. Men, after all, are easily pleased—you found that out in your courtship days. They are easily managed too. A man will do almost everything for the wife that makes him happy. He is almost too much of a slave to her. She can do what she will to him. With him, getting her own way is only a matter of tact and sweetness. Husbands are almost all like the man in the fable of the wind and sun. ”

“ Without love, life is unfinished; hope, without aim; nature defective, and man miserable. Love is the ruling element of life; the great instrument of nature; that soft, subduing sun against whose melting beams there is not one human soul in a million, not a thousand men in all earth’s domain, whose hearts are hardened. Love, if pure, unselfish and discreet, constitutes the chief happiness of human life. ”

“ The husband, when it is too late, laments his blindness and his folly. The wife is made to realize that riches take to themselves wings and fly away; and then comes the consciousness of a want of sympathy and congeniality of feelings. Both are thrown back upon themselves, for not a chord in the breast of one vibrates in unison with the other.
Let the young beware how they enter the marriage state from such motives, lest they wake too late from the delusion. ”

“ I wish to convince women that it is a great mistake on their part to suppose that their power to please departs with youth. At all times I have noticed that men of sense seldom admire—or grow enamored of—women for beauty alone, but for character, manner, taste, and conversation. Now, while beauty, we must admit, lessens with time, character, manner, taste, and conversation may each be refined and enriched.... Mere beauty is but one bright unchanging beam: it will even grow wearisome ”

“ In spite of smiles and graciousness, she is the most friendless woman I know. The world demands genuine coin, and will detect counterfeit. So begin at home to be sweet, and unconsciously it will become your natural manner. You will not have to assume it: it will be your own.
A girl may be more than plain, even homely, but if her manners are gentle, her voice sweet and low, her bearing womanly, her power is wonderful. A charming smile [29] unlocks many a door which is barred to a stiff, ungracious manner. A charming smile warms every one it greets. It is particularly winning to a man. ”

“ Oh, the loneliness of an unwedded heart! The hands may be united, but to feel that in heart you are separated must be misery indeed. To think of being obliged to associate for life with one who has not a feeling of sympathy with you, and who is, moreover, in sentiment, taste and feeling [184] directly opposed to you—how revolting the thought! Then, let love, not ambition, lead you to form those ties that naught but death can honorably sever. ”

“ There is no doubt that a widow can, if she choose, attract a man where a girl is powerless to do so. She has a charm which is irresistible when she pleases to exercise it. This power lies greatly in her knowledge of man-nature. It lies also in her taking a man just as he is. Instead of wounding his vanity by trying to make him conform to her ideas, she makes him pleased with himself as he is. Girls have sharp corners which hurt a man if he runs against them; widows never have. Girls are unkind; widows never are. Girls like to tease and ridicule a man; a widow is too wise to do so. ”

“ No man was ever really influenced by a self-assertive, dogmatic woman, and the woman who wishes to have men friends must remember that the secret of both her power and her popularity lies in her gentleness, sweetness and good temper. She must be cheery, too, and ready with her smiles; but that is quite another thing, be it remembered, from the senseless giggling which some girls seem to fancy is particularly charming to the other sex. ”

“ WOULD YOU like to be lifted out of your dull, commonplace self and thrilled with new thoughts, new impulses, new blood red emotions, by a gloriously beautiful woman who opens the secret chambers of her heart so that you may observe at close range the roaring volcano of love that is consuming her very soul? ”

“ She is always the same. A man is sure of her. He knows when he leaves her, she will be the same when he meets her again. I have known girls to lose an admirer by a cool greeting or change of demeanor. A widow never would. It is said that Madame Recamier’s great charm was her gracious sweetness, which was under all circumstances the same.
A girl fancies that a man thinks of her all the time, as she does of him. She likely thinks of him all day and dreams of him by night. A man, out in the world, is engrossed in business—that is his first consideration. It is only his leisure he can give to her. ”

“ As has been pointed out, she need merely be a tactful, purposeful, clever girl, one who, knowing her own powers to charm, exercises them for the most valuable end and aim life offers—that of forming a home in which two persons may be happy, and from which they may radiate a sufficiency of joy to make the world about it more contented and felicitous than it was before. ”

“ Many boys and girls enter matrimony before they are old enough to realize the responsibility they assume, and they frequently fill their lives with bitterness by acting so rashly. Wait till you are old enough to exercise judgment in the choice of your companion; then choose wisely, and enthrone the goddess of Love upon a heart stamped with eternal fidelity, and be your home a palace or a cottage, it will indeed be a “sweet, sweet home.” ”

“ In the true wife the husband finds not affection only, but companionship—a companionship with which no other can compare. The family relation gives retirement without solitude, and society without the rough intrusion of the world. It plants in the husband’s dwelling a friend who can listen to the details of his interests with sympathy, who can appreciate his repetition of events, only important as they are embalmed in the heart. ”

“ Some are disappointed in marriage because they expect too much from it. Their imagination has pictured a condition of things never experienced on this side of heaven. With the marriage ceremony you enter a new world, if you enter understandingly, and live as becomes thoughtful, considerate human beings, each trying to bear with the other’s infirmities, and to consider the other’s happiness [151] as paramount to their own. Marriage then becomes a delightful scene of domestic happiness, to which all true men and women look forward as the condition of life most consonant to their true happiness. ”

“ She has stood by one man as he has fought with the world, and knows that it is woman’s province to strengthen him by her sympathy and helpful word for the battle. She knows that when a man seeks a woman’s society he wants peace. She knows his vanity is wounded every day in his contact with men, and that when he comes to her he wants it flattered.
So a widow tries to make a man happy and comfortable. She rarely alludes to her own grief. ”

“ An almost certain way to win a man’s love is to win his confidence. When a man talks to a woman about his greatest interest, he becomes interested in her. When he opens his whole heart to her, he gives her that heart. I never knew this to fail. How to win this confidence is the puzzle. The very man you want may be the one who knows the most about keeping his affairs to himself. You will have to use tact and patience in drawing him out. ”

“ The wonderful charm some girls have for men lies in the interest she shows in him, and the tact with which she makes him think well of himself.
A man will not be snubbed. In novels, especially of the Duchess kind, the abject small creature whom she calls the hero thrives upon it. His love feeds upon snubbing, and grows more intense. He falls in love at first sight, and the worse his charmer treats him the more he loves her. This is not true to life. These books are full of false ideas, and do much harm to the girl who reads them. ”

“ It will stand in the way of a marriage for you. Men do not care to marry a girl who has been talked about, or whose name was coupled with a married man’s. You lose everything by it, almost your character. There is no such food for gossip as the attentions of a married man to a girl. They suspect you are not all you ought to be, they have good reason to do so. They may think if you will encourage a man to trample on his marriage vows, you would trample on your own. You are condemned by every one.
Your vanity may lead you to feel a degree of triumph in winning a husband from a wife. ”

“ We know that there is an unfortunate tendency in human nature to treat with levity the subject of love, courtship and marriage. But a moment’s consideration should convince you how utterly repugnant it is to all manly feelings to jest in these matters. They are the most serious questions of your life, as your weal or woe, and the weal and woe of those who come after you, depend in great measure, upon the wisdom and virtue with which you conduct your preparations for marriage. ”

“ The true way to study and learn one another is to do it at home, in the parlor, in the kitchen, and on occasions that test the temper. We see the result of premature unions in the almost daily divorces that are taking place; in the running away of husbands—leaving their wives and children to starve—and in the elopement of wives. [181] Not only this, but we witness it in broken-spirited men, made old in the prime of life, struggling on for mere food, clothing, and mere shelter; and in woman, cross, sluttish and wrinkled. And the result does not stop with the husband and wife. ”

“ It goes to prove that in early life before marriage it is the ideal and not the man a girl often loves. If I am mistaken in that, I am not mistaken in saying that a girl is happier married to a man for whom she cares less than she did for this ideal, than in remaining a spinster because some other girl bore off the heart she craved. To my mind a woman is happier married under almost any circumstances than single. ”

“ Why should not a woman dress for her husband? Why should she not cultivate a sweet disposition for him and endeavor to make his home the happiest spot on earth? Why not try to banish from it every cloud, everything that will annoy or irritate? ”

“ You gain nothing and lose all. You cheapen yourself and your charms when you “throw yourself at a man’s head.” As it has been decreed from the beginning of the world that man is the head of the woman, so it is decreed that as he shall protect her, he is the one to woo [57] and she the one to be won. You will meet coarse men who will respond to all your advances. They will pay you attention just for the fun of the thing. They will never marry you, and it would be a good lesson to you if you could hear them talk of you among themselves. A man never spares a girl who has no respect for herself. ”

“ Never let a young man repeat a story to you that he would not repeat if your mother were present. A man who would do that, means no good to you. An old and excellent rule is, never talk about anything to a man you would not talk about before a third party; and never talk to a girl as you would not talk if a man were present. Never say anything to either which you would not repeat to your mother. A well-known writer has lately said: “It is always a mistake for a young girl to talk to a man as if she were blasé and widely experienced in all human emotions, frailties, and faults. ”

“ It is a mistake to imagine that an engagement breaks down all barriers. Engagements are so frequently broken. Instead of being almost as sacred as marriage, they are held lightly. You must continue after your engagement to be careful of your conduct and not to allow any undue liberties. Do not let your lover’s caresses be too frequent or passionate. Some young people act as if they only become engaged so they might kiss each other—they spend all their time at it when they are alone. ”

“ Rule Eleven.—In all things, let a woman ask what will please a man of sense before she asks what will please the men of fashion. You see, if a woman lives for the commendation of men of fashion, she will, if pretty, piquant, or what not, have a reign of ten years. But if she remembers that she has charms of mind and character and taste, as well as charms of figure and complexion, the men of sense will follow her for a half century; and in the long run the men of fashion will be led by the men of sense. ”

“ I think that if a man to whom I was married should hint by word or deed of such a repentance, I would feel that my life was a complete failure, and should want to go out of it then and there.
Be accomplished and brilliant if possible, but above all things prepare yourself to be a helpmeet for a man. Men like talents in a girl, especially music; but a man likes to have his wife know how to keep house. ”

“ They ring out the birth of a love that is until death. They ring out the knell of all coyness and romance. The hero becomes the very human man: the shy girl is a woman who is to be his helpmeet. They ring out the beginning of a battle where man and woman must stand shoulder to [129] shoulder if they would win. They tell of a conflict where there will be strength in union, but in division weakness, destruction of happiness, complete failure, disgrace, and sometimes even death.
A girl rarely considers the deep responsibilities she takes upon herself when she marries. ”

“ It is not a wise thing, however, that Mollie will be condemned because she cannot be satisfied without having a fireside and home of her own, because she wants a big loving fellow to care for her and to protect her, and whom she can love and make happy, because she wants her own home, no matter how small it is, to adorn and make pretty, her own housekeeping to look after, her own and his children to care for; because she wants her own wifehood, just as her brother wants a wife and home of his own and will not be satisfied to be a bachelor. ”

“ I remember a man who, when his dearly-beloved sister died, laid his head on his wife’s shoulder, weeping, and said, “If it were you I should die.”
There are in history women upon whose strong hearts strong men have leaned and have become more strengthened in that leaning. Weak men have become manly through a womanly wife. Strong men have been weakened by a weak, wicked wife. Truly a man is made or marred when he marries. He must indeed ask his wife leave to thrive.
It is in every woman’s power to be a well-loved wife. She cannot exact it: she must win it. She has his affection to start upon. ”