Rex T. Stout

“ Feeling perhaps that he had sufficiently distinguished himself for a man barely twenty-four, James, after the settlement of the strike, had allowed himself to sink into a state of innocuous desuetude. By dint of continuous application and unequalled opportunity, he became in a year the laziest man in New York, and acquired—or assumed—an attitude of utter indifference to the practical affairs of life. Indeed, this indifference reached a degree that alarmed his father almost to the point of anger. “Is it possible,” thought the elder Hamlin, “that the fool is an idiot?” ”

“ What he saw was his sister Maria seated on the green plush sofa, her face redder than ever, and an absurd tenderness in her eyes, gazing fondly at Mr. Comicci, who was kneeling on the carpet at her feet and holding fast to both her hands!
The Italian's voice came, plainly audible.
“You will! You will!” he murmured passionately.
He began to plant furious kisses all over her hands. She shook her head.
“I'm too old. You can't love me,” the astonished Mr. Chidden heard her say.
“Ah!” groaned the lover. “Ah, what is age when one is beautiful? So beautiful! Eet is to break my heart!” ”

“ Regular snap! It's a cursed existence such as no man should submit to. For twenty years I've been smothered—smothered under a woman's skirts—my own sister's!” He paused a moment for breath, then muttered, as if to himself, half savagely, half morosely: “Miserable slave!”
“You surprise me,” observed Mr. Glover, from the washbasin. “I thought you had a pretty easy time of it, Chidden. Plenty to eat, not much of anything to do, no rent to worry about, no——”
“And when I want a new hat, I go and beg Maria for a dollar and fifty cents,” put in Mr. Chidden bitterly. ”

“ It was a rather large figure, and so completely naked! So profoundly naked! And it was well done! The marble whiteness of body and limbs had a wonderful fleshlike appearance, so subtle were the lines, the little elevations and depressions, so skillfully and lovingly chiseled. They stood and looked at that statue of an exposed female form; and they saw on the rough marble at its foot, painted with black paint in small but precise capital letters:
MISS MARIA CHIDDEN.
A gasp of amazement and horror came from eighteen throats. ”

“ That would serve his father right—to have it known all over New York that the son of Jonathan Marston had been forced to depend on the assistance of friends to get home when an unforeseen shortage of funds had overtaken him during his travels in Europe. If his father showed no concern for the dignity of the Marston name, why should he?
But here, again, entered pride. And the pride of youth, when properly nourished and aroused is capable of magnificent sacrifices and supreme idiocies. It caused William Frederick to reject with scorn the idea of an appeal for money to his acquaintances ”

“ He indicated a figure group, a boy sitting on a man's knee, half finished. Mr. Chidden displayed a diplomatic interest, eying the group with the air of a man who understands more than he is willing to admit. He had to pay for the pretense. From that figure they passed to another, and another. The room was full of them—just begun, half finished, and completed. The Italian dragged them from all sorts of places—a leaping frog in bronze from under a heap of sketches, a boy with a flute from a soiled laundry bag; a girl poring over a book from a drawer of the wardrobe. ”

“ By now the crowd had recovered from its surprise at the appearance of the strangers. They vaguely resented this intrusion of visitors on the district’s most intimate day, hut at least their leader had not disappointed them. There he was, ready to take them—God knows where. Shorty was already on his feet.
"Three cheers for Honest James Hamlin!” he shouted. The crowd responded nobly. James turned to the three strangers on the platform with a satisfied smile, then turned back to the cheering throng and raised a hand for silence. ”

“ Women fought with men in the mad stampede for freedom.
Shorty Benson, standing by the window, saw, in the street below, Mike O’Toole greeting with outstretched hands the first to get down the stairs. He heard the band strike up with renewed vigor. He turned to the door inside and saw the last of the nine hundred and sixty-four rush for the stairs; also, he saw Honest James Hamlin running towards him with frantic gestures.
“What shall we do, Shorty?” wailed James helplessly. “What shall we do?”
Shorty looked once more at the throng on the street below. They were forming to march. ”

“ And then suddenly came another sound, as the voice halted—the sound of a smacking kiss!
Mr. Chidden gasped with profound amazement. And before he could close his mouth again, he heard the sound of swift footsteps, the door was flung open from within, and a man rushed from the room, dashed to the stairs, and descended, two steps at a time. But, despite the rapidity of his flight, Mr. Chidden recognized him. It was Comicci, the Italian sculptor, who occupied a bedroom studio in the third-floor front. ”

“ Young Marston seems to regard his experience as an amusing escapade, and though he is unable, or unwilling, to explain how he came to be taken for “Jules Mercade”, and indeed refuses to discuss the affair in any way whatever, it is evident that he has enjoyed himself immensely at the expense of the much-vaunted Paris police. ”

“ THEY met at Quinby’s unexpectedly, for the first time in three months, and after the handshake proceeded to their old table in the corner.
“Well, how goes it?” asked Bendy.
“Bendy,” said Dudd Bronson, ignoring the question, “I am the greatest man in the world. I myself am for ham and cabbage, since it tickles my feelings, but if you want anything from peacocks’ hearts to marmalade, it’s on me.” ”

“ The curtain rose, discovering the man with the beard lying in an easy-chair, reading and smoking. The door opened R. Entered the lady with the blue velvet suit with white furs. Breathing through her nose, she announced, in a trembling voice, that she had come—she couldn't stay away. The man with the beard arose and carelessly threw his arms around her and kissed her. Mr. Chidden trembled with indignation. ”

“ James was almost angry. “No!” he shouted. “Good God! Why does everybody think I want something? I want you to understand once for all, Mr. Benson, that I am in this fight for the people! I want nothing! Assembly! Bah!”
“All right,” said Shorty, soothingly. “I know it ain’t much. But I thought for a starter—well, we’ll talk about that later. Now to get down to business. In the first place, my name ain’t Mr. Benson—it’s Shorty. In the second place, there’s only one guy that’ll cause us any trouble—and that’s Mike O’Toole. This district was mine till he butted in two years ago. ”

“ Chidden retreated to the floor above, having been instructed by Maria to keep out of the way. By three the parlor was full, and Mr. Chidden could hear the confused hum of their voices through the closed door. He could imagine them—old ladies, middle-aged ladies, fat ladies, lean ladies, amiable ladies, sour ladies, sitting in two or three circles, with both their tongues and needles running at the rate of two hundred strokes a second. ”

“ But that would mean an appeal to his father, perhaps even a demand on him by the steamship company. Besides, there was the fare to Cherbourg, and incidentals. Appeal to Ambassador Halleck? But that, again, would mean an appeal to his father, though indirectly.
If he only possesed Tom Driscoll’s experience and daring! Tom could do anything—and would. And was not he the equal of Tom Driscoll? Ha! His pride rose higher and higher, carrying William Frederick with it in everwidening circles, until finally he arrived in the realm of pure artistic creation. ”

“ He’s one of them fat, bulgy men that looks right through you with a circumambious gaze.
“‘Mr. Jetmore,’ says I, ‘my name is Abe Delman. I been running it a store over in Pauline with my brother Leo. We had a fight over a personal matter which ain’t to the purpose, and when Leo began lookin’ for me in an unpeaceful manner I came away for my health. Now I want to get my half of the store which I am broke till I get it, and you should write to Leo’s lawyer, who is Mr. Devlin of Ironton, about a settlement.’
“‘Have you something for a retainer?’ asks Jetmore. ”

“ He arrived at the theater a little after eight, feeling that it would not do to display any eagerness in the matter. He would show them that he was an old hand at this theater business. The lobby was filled with loungers, and Mr. Chidden found some difficulty in making his way to the brass rails that guarded the entrance to the auditorium. There he presented the card Mr. Burrie had given him to a fat, pompous personage who was mostly red face and white shirt front.
Mr. Chidden spoke to him in a low and mysterious tone.
“From Mr. Burrie,” said he. “I'm an official.” ”

“ He chattered on for a minute, stammered, and stopped.
“William,” said the elder man in a voice deep, well-modulated, and musical, “You’re a perfect ass. Don’t try to play the innocent baby with me. I know you too well. At the same time, I have made a discovery. There is one man in this world who is even a a bigger idiot than you are.” ”

“ Comicci is no dago. He's a gentleman. Dago, indeed! A worthless little thing like you to call him names! And you stand right up and insinuate your own sister! Yes, you did! And if ever I—— Robert! Robert, come back here!”
But the call went unheeded. With his revenge, Mr. Chidden had swiftly flown—into the hall and down three flights of stairs to the cellar. There he halted and seated himself on an old box behind the coal pile. Almost immediately he jumped up again, ran to the cellar door, and bolted it. ”

“ He tried to keep his tone from showing disapproval as he said:
“What we want to do is to let the people understand that we are on their side. We are for the people.”
“Right-o,” said Mr. Benson, into his schooner of beer.
“And,” continued James, “in spite of their honesty, it must be admitted that they are ignorant. We must educate them.”
“Educate hell!” roared Shorty, without thinking. Then, at the look of pained surprise on James’ face, he quickly recovered. “What I meant, Mr. Hamlin, was this: you can’t educate ’em. Me and Red Barber’s been tryin’ it for years. You got to lead ’em.” ”

“ The elder man drew in a mouthful of smoke and expelled it with the proper care and deliberation before he answered. “The man,” he said, "who, at your request, painted a monstrous, red, hideous sign on the Liberty Bell of our great country.” Jonathan Marston, the terrible, smiled reminiscently—a smile of wisdom and understanding. ”

“ Chidden better. If he could not properly be called a student of the modern drama, it was only because he had lacked opportunity for the collection of material. He had never seen the interior of a Broadway theater. But he spent twenty cents every night during the season at the stock theater around the corner on Eighth Avenue, and he was known to the delicatessen proprietor, tailor, cabmen, and other gentlemen of the neighborhood as a man to whom the deepest subtleties of the actor's art were an open book. ”

“ Bendy, stand up. No man can sit unrespectful while I relate the sequence. It fills my eyes with tears to think of it. I’ve been a modest man, but this is too much for me. I must tell the truth.
“I was in a hole, all right, but I still had hold of the rope. I knew that Devlin thinks I’m Leo and Jetmore thinks I’m Abe, and as long as they didn’t get a chance to chin on it I was safe. ”

“ We are not going to have any picnic.”
Only those who have either studied or participated in New York politics can appreciate the awful significance, the incredible folly, of this statement. A king can easier rule without an army or a woman without her beauty, than a district leader without his picnic. Shorty knew this; so it is no wonder that he leaped to his feet and roared:
“Good God! Are you crazy?”
“No,” said James, “I am not crazy. But I am through with pandering to the low appetites of the people. I was wrong ever to begin it. My true appeal is to the intellect, and not to the senses ”

“ Perhaps there is men who can wear a pair of pants three years, Maria Chidden, but I'm not one of 'em. It's unwholesome. Give me three dollars.”
For reply, Miss Maria closed and locked the drawer, returned to her chair, inserted the edge of a sheet under the hemmer, and started the machine. Her only audible comment was a grunt as she hitched the chair up closer.
Mr. Chidden choked with the helpless rage of the timid and oppressed.
“That's right!” he yelled. “Shut your mouth and look mad. You can't scare me. I need a pair of pants, and you know it. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. ”

“ Here the question of morality ceases to exist. The intellect, freed from the troublesome problems of ethics and legality, conceives, with a sole and single aim, the satisfaction of its own desires.
And then, suddenly, the face of the young man was illumined with a great light. ”

“ Bendy, I know you won’t repeat this to any of our friends, or I wouldn’t tell it. It fills me with shame, Bendy, when I remember that fifty I handed to Devlin. These lawyers is the worst kind of grafters.
“I told Devlin I didn’t want any Pauline natives to know about mine and Abe’s intimate pertinacities, and I waits in Ironton for a settlement. As soon as he got my fifty he wrote off a long letter to Jetmore which he let me read to correct the sentiments. ”

“ Chidden arrived at the painful conclusion that not only had Mr. Comicci given Maria the kiss, but also that she had been glad to get it.
But he knew his sister Maria. She was a prude if ever there was one. No man—not Don Juan himself—could ever have succeeded in planting the salute of love on her chaste cheek without having first declared the most honorable intentions. By Polly! There could be no doubt of it! The little dago was trying to marry Maria!
Mr. Chidden was thinking fast, but it was some time later, back in the cellar, that he arrived at this startling conclusion. ”

“ James paused for breath. The hall was silent—ominously silent.
“I have therefore arranged for a program which I am sure will meet with your enthusiastic approval. First. Mr. Henry Hightower, of Philadelphia, will address you on ‘The Power of the Individual in Politics;’ second, Mr. John Clay Brown will deliver his famous lecture on ‘Honest Government: Why Not?’; third. Professor Carlton Carlisle,of Columbia University, will talk about ‘Self-Reliance as a Power for Good’; and lastly, I myself shall have a few words to say about the future welfare of the district. ”

“ He'll tell you what to do. You should have come early so as not to disturb people.”
Mr. Chidden smothered the retort that rose to his lips, edged his way through to the empty seat, sat down, and looked about him. The parquet was filled with men in evening dress and women with necks, of all ages and appearances. It was what the newspapers call a “typical first-night audience,” but the sight was new to Mr. Chidden, and he spent several minutes studying it. ”

“ Walk home tired of your foolishness not a cent Jonathan Marston.
“I suppose,” said William Frederick aloud, “he thinks he’s funny. And the first two words, which are entirely useless and perfectly offensive, cost him an extra half-dollar. The governor is getting extravagant.”
He tossed his cigarette into a porcelain urn on the table, lit another, and crossing the room, seated himself in a chair by the window and gazed thoughtfully out at the throng in the street below.
The hour was half-past three in the afternoon; the street, the Rue Royale, Paris. ”

“ James, being dreadfully in earnest, ignored the sarcasm. “If I am honored by being chosen as their leader, I shall not flinch,” he said resolutely. “The industrial pirates must be shown that it is the people who rule. ”

“ Comicci. He seemed so harmless and amiable, and, poor devil that he was, what did it matter if he beat Maria out of some rent? Mr. Chidden was only too glad to see his sister done for once. He began to doubt if the kiss had really been delivered; and, looking at Maria's face, he strongly doubted if any man, in any extremity, would have the temerity to kiss her. ”

“ He will sail tomorrow from Cherbourg, on the Daconia, accompanied by a member of the Paris police.
September 29th.
If there be such a person as “Jules Mercade,” and if he be responsible for the defacement of the Liberty Bell on September 21, it seems likely that, owing to the bungling of the Paris police, he will go unpunished.
The “Jules Mercade” whom a police officer brought over on the Daconia, which arrived at New York yesterday, proved to be no less a personage than William Frederick Marston, son of Jonathan Marston, the New York financier. ”

“ Many of 'em. But it's no go. It's fate. I was a merchant once, you know—had a shop up in New Rochelle. Forced out and had to come here. If I get a job, it's no good.”
Mr. Chidden sighed, turning toward the door. He had nearly reached it when he was halted abruptly by the voice of Mr. Glover.
“I might find something for you at the theater,” said the actor.
Mr. Chidden stood with his mouth open and his hand on the doorknob. He seemed amazed.
“At the theater!” he stammered finally. “You don't mean—on the stage?” ”

“ This thought worried him considerably; he fell to thinking of what would have been Abraham Lincoln’s opinion of this compromise with the unrighteous powers; he even felt, as did Lady Macbeth, that he was permeated with the odor of his crime,—only in his case it was nothing worse than beer. Studying the thing impartially, he was forced to admit that he had no reason to be proud of a victory won by such questionable tactics, and he resolved to purge his leadership of all taint at the earliest opportunity. ”

“ The ladies gathered around the table in a close group as the sculptor approached and laid his hands on the cloth. They would seem to have foreseen in some mysterious way what was to follow. From his corner, Mr. Chidden watched them, and noted, with satisfaction, that Maria, with Mrs. Rankin and the Misses Bipp, were together in the front rank, up against the table.
“Eet is the true beauty,” the Italian was saying. ”

“ Of the Mike O’Toole Ataociation
At Kelly’s Casino, Whitestone, L. I.
But though Mr. Henry Hightower was the only one who could see, every one could hear. For a moment there was intense silence. A quiver like an electric shock ran through the throng. Then Dan Murphy leaped to his feet and started for the door.
“It’s O’Toole!” he shouted. “Come on, boys!”
Immediately the hall was in an uproar. The door was jammed by the sudden onslaught of struggling, pushing humanity. James, on the edge of the platform, was shouting something that nobody heard. ”

“ Chidden, having waited impatiently for the other to finish.
The actor explained:
“A come-on guy for the audience—to start the applause and keep it up. The theaters all have 'em, more or less.”
“Could you—do you think——” stammered Mr. Chidden, his face pale with hope.
“Sure! At least I think so. It means fifty cents or a dollar a night, a little spending money—and, besides, you get to see the show. I'll see Burrie this afternoon at rehearsal and let you know in the morning.” ”

“ They looked at Maria Chidden and back again at the statue, and they were dangerously near explosion from the supreme awfulness of the thing. It was an excellent instance of the lack of reason in the feminine mind. To any reasonable eye, even one totally unskilled in the perception of form, it must have been patently manifest that the proportions of the lady in marble were certainly not the proportions of Miss Maria Chidden ”

“ Mr. Chidden witnessed his departure from the dining-room window. He waited five minutes, then went to the cellar for his paint and brush. As he came back up, he threw a hasty glance into the kitchen, where his sister Maria and Minnie were busied in the preparation of dainties for the expected guests. Then he passed swiftly upstairs to the third floor and entered Mr. Comicci's room,
Straight to the table in the corner he went, and drew off the dark cloth. He had no time to be embarrassed by the nudity of the marble lady; he had work to do. He took his brush and paint and went at it. ”