Samuel Foote

“ Sir LUKE.
Run after him as fast as you can—tell him, quite in despair—recollect an engagement that can't in nature be missed,—and return in an instant.
CHARLOT.
You see, Sir, the Knight must give way for my Lord.
Sir LUKE.
No, faith, it is not that, my dear Charlot; you saw that was quite an extempore business.—No, hang it, no, it is not for the title; but to tell you the truth, Brentford has more wit than any man in the world; it is that makes me fond of his house.
CHARLOT.
By the choice of his company he gives an unanswerable instance of that. ”

“ CHARLOT.
A chair-minuet! I don't understand you.
Sir LUKE.
Why, child, all grace is confined to the motion of the head, arms, and chest, which may sitting be as fully displayed, as if one had as many legs as a polypus.—As thus—tol de rol—don't you see?
SERJEANT.
Very plain.
Sir LUKE.
A leg! a redundancy! a mere nothing at all. Man is from nature an extravagant creature. In my opinion, we might all be full as well as we are, with but half the things that we have.
CHARLOT.
Ay, Sir Luke ”

“ CHARLOT.
What, Sir! a man who is not suffer'd to hear, see, smell, or in short to enjoy the free use of any one of his senses; who, instead of having a positive will of his own, is deny'd even a paltry negative; who can neither resolve or reply, consent or deny, without first obtaining the leave of his lady: an absolute monarch to sink into the sneaking state of being a slave to one of his subjects—Oh fye!
SERJEANT.
Why, to be sure, Sir Harry Hen, is as I may say—
CHARLOT.
Nobody Sir, in the fullest sense of the word—Then your client Lord Solo. ”

“ CHARLOT.
In short, Sir, I define every individual who, ceasing to act for himself, becomes the tool, the mere engine of another man's will, to be nothing more than a cypher.
SERJEANT.
At this rate the jade will half unpeople the world: but what is all this to Sir Luke? to him, not one of your cases apply.
CHARLOT.
Every one—Sir Luke has not a first principle in his whole composition ”

“ Why, you won't leave us, Sir Luke?
Sir LUKE.
Pardon, dear Serjeant and Charlotta; have a thousand things to do for half a million of people positively; promised to procure a husband for Lady Cicely Sulky, and match a coach-horse for Brigadier Whip; after that, must run into the city to borrow a thousand for young At-all at Almack's; send a Cheshire cheese by the stage to Sir Timothy Tankard in Suffolk; and get at the Herald's Office a coat of arms to clap on the coach of Billy Bengal, a nabob newly arriv'd: so you see I have not a moment to lose.
SERJEANT.
True, true. ”

“ JACK.
No!
WOODFORD.
It would not have been decent, to have press'd the judge too soon for a sentence.
JACK.
Soon!—You are a ninny, I tell you so:—here you will suffer judgment to go by default.—You are a pretty practitioner indeed!
WOODFORD.
This, you may know, my dear Jack, is an equity case; I have but just fil'd my bill; one must give the parties time to put in an answer.
JACK.
Time!—How you may come off in court I can't tell, but you will turn out but a poor chamber counsel I fear.—Well, come along, perhaps I may be able to procure another hearing before it is—but lord o'mercy! ”

“ My honour is in pawn!—Good Lord! how a century will alter the meaning of words!—Formerly, chastity was the honour of women, and good faith and integrity the honour of men: but now, a lady who ruins her family by punctually paying her losses at play, and a gentleman who kills his best friend in some trifling frivolous quarrel, are your only tip-top people of honour. Well, let them go on, it brings grist to our mill: for whilst both the sexes stick firm to their honour, we shall never want business, either at Doctor's Commons, or the Old Bailey. ”

“ Sir LUKE.
Me! I'll sooner be torn to pieces by wild horses—no, my dear friend, we will retire to my house in the country together, and there, in innocence and simplicity, feeding our pigs and pigeons, like Pyramus and Thisbe, we will live the paragons of the age.
SERJEANT.
Agreed; we will be the whole earth to each other; for, as Mr. Shakespur says,
Sir LUKE.
Zouns, here comes Madam Serjeant herself.
Enter Mrs. Circuit.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
So, Gentlemen! ”

“ So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf, to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear coming up the street, pops its head into the shop. 'What! no soap?' So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Joblillies, and the Garyulies, and the grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top; and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. ”

“ JACK.
Injunctions, demurrers, sham-pleas, writs of error, rejoinders, sur-rejoinders, rebutters, sur-rebutters, replications, exceptions, essoigns, and imparlance.
SERJEANT.
[To himself.] Fine instruments in the hands of a man, who knows how to use them.—But now, Jack, we come to the point: if an able advocate has his choice in a cause, (which if he is in reputation he may readily have,) which side should he choose, the right, or the wrong?
JACK.
A great lawyer's business, is always to make choice of the wrong. ”

“ What have you done with the Knight?—Why you have not let him depart?
CHARLOT.
It was not in my power to keep him.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
I don't wonder at that; but what took him away?
CHARLOT.
What will at any time take him away—a Duke at the door.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Are you certain of that?
SERJEANT.
Why truly, chuck, his retreat was rather precipitate for a man that is just going to be marry'd.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
The prospect of marriage does not always prove the strongest attachment.
SERJEANT.
Pardon me, lovee; the law allows no higher consideration than marriage.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Pshaw! ”

“ We will, gentlemen, first state the probable evidence, and then come to the positive: and first as to the probable.—When was this tree here belonging to Hobson, and claim'd by Nobson, cut down? Was it cut down publicly in the day, in the face of the sun, men, women, and children, all the world looking on?—No; it was cut down privately, in the night, in a dark night, nobody did see, nobody could see.—Hum—And then with respect and regard to this tree, I am instructed to say, gentlemen, it was a beautiful, an ornamental tree to the spot where it grew. ”

“ Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Steady! stupid you mean: nothing sure cou'd add to his heaviness but the being loaded with law. Why don't you put him into the army?
SERJEANT.
Nay, chuck, if you choose it, I believe I have interest to get Jack a commission.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Why, Mr. Circuit, you know he is no son of mine; perhaps a cockade may animate the lad with some fire.
SERJEANT.
True, lovee; and a knowledge of the law mayn't be amiss to restrain his fire a little.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
I believe there is very little danger of his exceeding that way.
SERJEANT.
Charlot, send hither your brother. ”

“ Sir LUKE.
Well.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
The law that relates to your case they have borrow'd from the Roman religion.
Sir LUKE.
As how?
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
As no man can be admitted a monk, who has the least corporal spot, or defect; so, no candidate can be receiv'd as a member who is depriv'd of the use of any one of his limbs.
Sir LUKE.
Nay, then indeed I am clearly cut out; that incapacity can never be got over.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Indeed, the Serjeant says, if the club could be induc'd to resolve in your favour, then the original law would signify nothing.
Sir LUKE.
Well, well, we'll see what can be done. ”

“ Sir LUKE.
You are right, my dear girl. But now to give you a proof of his wit: You know Brentford's finances are a little out of repair, which procures him some visits that he would very gladly excuse.
SERJEANT.
What need he fear? His person is sacred; for by the tenth of William and Mary—
Sir LUKE.
He knows that well enough; but for all that—
SERJEANT.
Indeed, by a late act of his own house, (which does them infinite honour) his goods or chattels may be——
Sir LUKE.
Seiz'd upon when they can find them, but he lives in ready-furnish'd lodgings, and hires his coach by the month. ”

“ CHARLOT.
You make light, Sir Luke, of these sort of engagements.
Sir LUKE.
What can a man do? These damn'd fellows (when one has the misfortune to meet them) take scandalous advantage; teaze, When will you do me the honour, pray, Sir Luke, to take a bit of mutton with me? Do you name the day—They are as bad as a beggar, who attacks your coach at the mounting of a hill; there is no getting rid of them, without a penny to one, and a promise to t'other.
SERJEANT.
True ”

“ Your servant, Sir Luke; my dear Circuit, I am frighten'd to death—your people tell me, you are but just recover'd from a—
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Oh! nothing at all! a faintness, a kind of swimming—but those people are ever swelling that mole hills to mountains.
Mrs. SIMPER.
I protest I was afraid that you had suffer'd your late disappointment to lay hold of your spirits. ”

“ Serjeant sets forth, a damsin plum; our proofs say loudly a bull plum; but if so be and it had been a damsin plum, will any man go for to say, that a damsin plum is the best kind of plum; not a whit, I take upon me to say it is not a noun substantive plum—with plenty of sugar it does pretty well indeed in a tart, but to eat it by itself, will Mr. Serjeant go to compare it with the queen mother, the padrigons—
SERJEANT.
[Appearing suddenly from under the gown.]
The green gages, or the orlines.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
As I live 'tis my husband! ”

“ Circuit, where you are pushing the fellow?—That chamber is Charlot's.
Enter Sir Luke, Woodford, Charlot, and Jack.
Sir LUKE.
Heyday! who the deuce have we here?—Pray walk in, my good folks—your servant Miss Charlot; your servant Mr. What-d'ye-call-um.—Mr. Serjeant, you need not trouble yourself to cater for Miss; your family you see can provide for themselves.
SERJEANT.
Heyday! What the deuce is all this! Who are you Sir, and how came you here? [To Woodford.]
JACK.
It was I, father, that brought him. ”

“ JACK.
Said Nokes was convicted upon the said statute.
SERJEANT.
What follow'd upon?—
JACK.
Motion in arrest of judgment, made by counsellor Puzzle. First, Because the field from whence the cow was convey'd is laid in the indictment as round, but turn'd out upon proof to be square.
SERJEANT.
That's well: a valid objection.
JACK.
Secondly, Because in said indictment the colour of the cow is called red, there being no such things in rerum natura as red cows, no more than black lions, spread eagles, flying griffins, or blue boars. ”

“ Well put, Jack; but we have a salvo for that; plaintiff happen'd not to have the note in his pocket, but promis'd to deliver it up, when call'd thereunto by defendant.
JACK.
That will do rarely.
SERJEANT.
Let the defence be a secret, for I see we have able people to deal with. But come, child, not to lose time, have you carefully conn'd those instructions I gave you?
JACK.
Yes, Sir.
SERJEANT.
Well, that we shall see. How many points are the great object of practice?
JACK.
Two.
SERJEANT.
Which are they?
JACK.
The first is to put a man into possession of what is his right.
SERJEANT.
The second? ”

“ Sir LUKE.
But stop. To be regular, and provide for fresh causes, we must take no notice of the borough and lands, the real objects in view, but stick fast to the tree, which is of no importance at all.
ALL.
True, true.
Sir LUKE.
Brother Circuit, you may proceed.
Mrs. CIRCUIT.
Gentlemen of the Jury.—I am in this cause counsel for Hobson, the plaintiff.—The action is brought against Nebuchadonezer Nobson, That he the said Nobson did cut down a tree, value two-pence, and to his own use said tree did convert.—Nobson justifies, and claims tree as his tree. ”

“ Sir LUKE.
I am sure somebody did; it could not be the head—consider the least interruption puts one out of one's—None of our faults, they might have look'd on and seen if they would. And then as to this beautiful tree, with which Mr. Serjeant has ornamented his spot—No, gentlemen, no such matter at all; I am instructed to say quite the reverse; a stunted tree, a blighted, blasted tree; a tree not only limbless, and leafless, but very near lifeless; that was the true state of the tree: and then as to its use, we own it was a plum-tree indeed, but not of the kind Mr. ”

“ A city attorney, one Sheepskin.
SERJEANT.
A cunning fellow, I know him; well, Sir, if you will call at Pump-court in a week.
FAIRPLAY.
I shall attend you.
SERJEANT.
Jack, open the door for Mr.— [Exeunt Fairplay and Jack.] Something may be made of this matter: I'll see this Sheepskin myself. So much in future for carrying on the suit, or so much in hand to make it miscarry: a wise man should well weigh which party to take for.
Enter Jack.
So, Jack, any body at chambers to day?
JACK.
Fieri Facias from Fetter lane, about the bill to be filed by Kit Crape against Will Vizard, this term. ”

“ From twelve, the hour of one's rising, to dinner, is a most horrible chasm; for though teizing the mercers and milliners by tumbling their wares, is now and then an entertaining amusement, yet upon repetition it palls.—But every morning to be sure of a party, and then again at night after a rout, to have a place to retire to ”