A. A. Milne

“ Olivia. Yes, but——
George. As if there was nothing wrong in our having lived together for years without having been married.
Olivia (placing her hands on table) . What seems wrong to me is that I lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. What seems right to me is that I lived for five years with a good man whom I love.
George (taking and patting her hands affectionately) . Yes, yes, my dear, I know. (Drops her hands and moves to C.) But right and wrong don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been living together when you were Telworthy's wife. That's wrong. ”

“ Sometimes Olivia wants it to be more exciting, and last week she rather let herself go over some new curtains; she still has the rings to put on. It is obvious that the curtains alone will overdo the excitement; they will have to be harmonized with a new carpet and cushions. Olivia has her eye on just the things, but one has to go carefully with George. ”

“ I never heard of such nonsense. (He goes back to his chair at the writing-table and sits.) Futuristic rubbish... Well, Olivia?
Olivia (sewing curtains) . Well, George?
George. What are you doing?
Olivia. Making curtains– (grunt of disapproval from George) –George. Won't they be rather sweet? Oh, but I forgot–you don't like them.
George. No. I don't like them, and what is more, I don't mean to have them in my house. As I told you yesterday, this is the house of a simple country gentleman, and I don't want any of these new-fangled ideas in it.
Olivia. Is marrying for love a new-fangled idea? ”

“ Olivia. Of course I do. (Taking her hands away.) It's only that we don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong.
George. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, all the world over.
Olivia (with a sad little smile) . But more particularly in Buckinghamshire, I think.
George. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this man Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would accept money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted simply my own happiness, Olivia, that, is what I should say. ”

“ George (sits on foot of table L.C.) . I see no prospect of Dinah's marriage taking place for many years.
Olivia. No, dear, that was what I said.
George (not understanding for the moment) . You said——? I see. (Turning and facing her.) Now look here, Olivia, let us have this perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my–er–proposal as serious.
Olivia (mock surprise) . But isn't it? Have you been trifling with me?
George. You know perfectly well what I mean. You treat it as an ordinary proposal for a man to a woman who have never been anything to each other before. ”

“ He has said what she has been waiting–oh, so eagerly–for George to say. George rises and goes angrily up to Brian, who defies him. George is subdued and moves helplessly up C. followed by Brian, who is still defiant. Dinah rises and runs up L. and round back of settee L. and up to left of Brian and takes his arm.)
Dinah (adoringly) . Oh, Brian! (In a loud whisper.) It is me, isn't it, and not Olivia?
Brian. You baby, of course!
Lady Marden. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange (Dinah with an exclamation of annoyance comes down to L. of settee L.) , your morals are as peculiar as your views on Art. ”

“ I don't wonder George fell in love with her.
(Moving to above piano R., looking at photos, etc.)
Pim (rising and looking at his watch and coming C.) . It's only the merest matter of business–just a few words with your uncle–Perhaps I'd better...
Dinah (looking at photo on top end of piano) . Well, you must please yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of advice. Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. (Moving down to L. of piano and taking up and looking at photo of Olivia.) Because, after all, marriage is rather a toss up, isn't it? ”

“ But I want to do what's right, what's best. I don't mean what's best for us, what makes us happiest, I mean what's really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do in my place. (Olivia holds out her hands lovingly towards him.) I don't know. It's so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want to do what's right.... (Sits foot of table L.C.) Oh, Olivia, Olivia, you do understand, don't you?
(They have both forgotten Lady Marden. Olivia has never taken her eyes off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself.)
Olivia (almost tenderly) . So very, very well, George. ”

“ George. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband for Dinah. I don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long as he can support her and there's a chance of their being happy together. Now, with regard to this fellow–
Olivia. You mean Brian?
George. Well, he's got no money, and he's been brought up in quite a different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to believe that–er–all cows are blue, and that–er–waves are square, but she won't go on believing it for ever. ”

“ Olivia. You could help the experiment, darling, by giving Dinah a good allowance until she's twenty-one.
George. Help the experiment! I don't want to help the experiment. (Crossing up to writing-table.)
Olivia (apologetically) . Oh, I thought you did.
George. You will talk as if I was made of money. What with taxes always going up and rents always going down, it's as much as we can do to rub along as we are (to back of L.C. table) , without making allowances to everybody who thinks she wants to get married. (To Brian.) ”

“ You say that he is a gentleman. He knows how to behave, I admit; but if his morals are as topsy-turvy as his tastes and–er–politics, as I've no doubt they are (rising and moving to L.) , then-er–In short, I do not approve of Brian Strange as a husband for my niece and ward. (Knocks pipe out down L.)
Olivia (looking at him thoughtfully) . You are a curious mixture, George. You were so very unconventional when you married me, and you're so very conventional when Brian wants to marry Dinah.... George Marden to marry the widow of a convict! ”

“ George (casually) . Good-looking fellow, Strange. What?
Olivia (equally casually) . Brian, yes, isn't he? And such a nice boy.
George. Yes, yes! (Catching sight of curtain she is sewing. Hums the tune of "Pop goes the weasel"–crossing down R. to piano, plays a few notes of "Pop goes the weasel" with one finger.) Got fifty pounds for a picture the other day, didn't he? (Moving up stage a little.)
Olivia. Ah, yes! Of course he has only just begun——
George. The critics think well of him, (Slight pause.) What?
(Up C. by chair front of writing-table.)
Olivia. They all say he has genius. ”

“ Dinah is an exceptionally pretty girl, and young. Strange is a good-looking boy. (Coming down to back of settee L.) If they are attracted to each other, it is a mere outward attraction which I am convinced will not lead to any lasting happiness. (Olivia is about to protest.) That must be regarded as my last word in the matter, Olivia. If this Mr.–er–what was his name, comes, I shall be down at the farm. (George goes out by the staircase up R.)
(Left alone, Olivia rises, goes up C., takes up her curtains again and crossing down L. sits on settee, and gets calmly to work upon them.) ”

“ George. Oh, thank you, thank you.
(Olivia picks up curtains. Anne goes out up staircase up R.)
Olivia. George, Mr. Pim has got to know.
George. I don't see the necessity.
Olivia. Not even for me? When a woman suddenly hears that her long-lost husband is restored to her, don't you think she wants to ask questions? Where is he living, and how is he looking, and–
George (very angry, going to writing-table, sits) . Of course, if you are interested in these things–
Olivia. How can I help being? Don't be so silly, George. (Moves up to R. of George with the curtains on her arm.) ”

“ Brian. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then?
Lady Marden. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband.
Brian (bitterly to Lady Marden) . And that's morality! As expounded by Bishop Landseer!
George (angered, rising and facing Brian) . I don't know what you mean by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws of the Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe that your creed embraces neither marriage (Dinah gives a little cry and bangs a cushion on settee angrily) nor monogamy, but my creed is different. ”

“ Neither will Brian.
George (moving to R. end of settee) . Well, that's what I keep telling him, only he won't see it. Just as I keep telling you about those ridiculous curtains. (Points to cupboard with pipe in right hand over his left shoulder.) It seems to me that I am the only person in the house with any eyesight left.
Olivia. Perhaps you are, darling; but you must let us find out our own mistakes for ourselves. (Sits on stool L.C.) At any rate, Brian is a gentleman; he loves Dinah, Dinah loves him; he's earning enough to support himself, and you are earning enough to support Dinah. ”

“ Olivia rises and crosses to centre, watching George off. She kisses her hands to him, then turning to L. sees curtains and work-box and extending her arms in ecstasy goes to cabinet, takes them up and comes down L. Olivia sits on settee with curtains in her lap and places the work-box to her L. on settee, and as she does so Mr. Pim enters from up R. through windows and coming to R. of writing-table taps it with his umbrella to attract Olivia's attention. She turns and sees him. ”

“ Dinah. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for you.
(She throws him a kiss. He catches it gracefully and conveys it to his mouth.)
Brian (rising, and with a low bow) . Madam, I thank you.
Dinah (curtsying) . Your servant, Mr. Strange,
Olivia (rising from outside) . Dinah!
Dinah (jumping up) . Hullo! (Moving quickly to piano, plays "Mickey.")
(Brian throws away his cigarette and walks to L.)
(Olivia comes in through the window up L., followed by George and Lady Marden, the latter a vigorous young woman of sixty odd, who always looks as if she were beagling.) ”

“ Pim is below settee L. standing in same position as at the end of Act II. George Marden is in centre of stage and Lady Marden is at foot of staircase. Their altitude is the same as at the end of Act II, and all are concerned about Olivia's hysteria.)
George. Dead! Dead!
Pim. Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm afraid I broke the news rather hastily. The double shock of losing one husband and being restored to another–
Lady Marden (coming to George) . A dispensation of Providence, George. One can regard it in no other light. (Moves to R. of writing-table.)
George (coming to Pim) . Yes! Yes! ”

“ George. We'll come to that directly. None of you women can keep to the point. What I am saying now is that the house of my fathers and forefathers is good enough for me.
Olivia. Do you know, George, I can hear one of your ancestors saying that to his wife in their smelly old cave– (George looks up annoyed at her levity) –when the new-fangled idea of building houses was first suggested. "The Cave of my Forefathers is good enough for——"
George (rising and coming to R. of L.C. table) . That's ridiculous. Naturally we must have progress. But that's just the point. (Indicating the curtains.) ”

“ Dinah (placing her hands on Brian's shoulders) . Yes, but I didn't want him to go back to-morrow.
Brian (sternly, taking her hands away) . Must. Hard work before me. (Dinah moves to back of table L.C.) Earn thousands a year. (Going down R. Dinah and Olivia are amused) . Paint the Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey, life-size, including chains of office; paint slice of haddock on plate. Copy Landseer for old gentleman in Bayswater. Design antimacassar for middle-aged sofa in Streatham. (Sitting and putting his legs up on settee R.) Oh, yes. Earn a living for you. Dinah. ”

“ Lady Marden. I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays.
Olivia. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go.
Dinah (getting up) . We will go. (Crossing below Olivia and putting her knee on stool and looking cheekily up into George's face.) But I'm just going to say one thing, Uncle George. Brian and I are going to marry each other, and when we are married we'll stick to each other, however many of our dead husbands and wives turn up! Come on, Brian. (She goes up C. and through window and goes out indignantly, followed by Brian R.)
(George follows them up.) ”

“ Oh, no, George. But I was just wondering if you love me as much as Brian loves Dinah. You do love me?
George (from his heart) . Of course I do, old girl.
Olivia. You're sure it's not just my pretty face that attracts you. Love which is based upon mere outward appearances cannot result in lasting happiness–as one of our thinkers has observed. (Moving down to settee R.)
George. Why should you doubt my love? You can't pretend that we haven't been happy together. (Olivia sits on settee R.) I've– (taking a chair from L. of table R.C. brings it down to L. of Olivia) I've been a good pal to you, eh? ”