A. A. Milne

“ JANE (sharply) . Sandy! (Struck with an idea) Have you been out all day without your hat, darling?
MELISANDE (vaguely) . Have I?
JANE. I mean—blue and gold. They don't do it nowadays.
MELISANDE (nodding to her) . He did, Jane.
JANE. But how?—Why? Who can he be?
MELISANDE. He said he was a humble woodcutter's son. That means he was a prince in disguise. He called me his princess.
JANE. Darling, how could he be a prince?
MELISANDE. I have read stories sometimes of men who went to sleep and woke up thousands of years afterwards and found themselves in a different world. ”

“ JANE. How awfully nice of you to say that, Bobby. You do understand so wonderfully.
BOBBY (with a laugh) . I say, that's rather funny. I was just thinking the same about you.
JANE. I say, were you really? I'm so glad. I like to feel that we are really friends, and that we understand each other. I don't know whether I'm different from other girls, but I don't make friends very easily.
BOBBY. Do you mean men or women friends?
JANE. Both. In fact, but for Melisande and you, I can hardly think of any—not what you call real friends.
BOBBY. Melisande is a great friend, isn't she? ”

“ MRS. KNOWLE. I had given up hope. Jane here will tell you what a terrible morning I have had; prostrate on the sofa, mourning for my loved ones. My only child torn from me, my husband—dead.
MR. KNOWLE (surprised) . Oh, I was dead?
MRS. KNOWLE. I pictured the car smashed to atoms, and you lying in the road, dead, with Peters by your side.
MR. KNOWLE. Ah! How was Peters?
MRS. KNOWLE (with a shrug) . I didn't look. What is a chauffeur to one who has lost her husband and her only child in the same morning?
MR. KNOWLE. Still, I think you might have looked.
JANE. Sandy's all right, Aunt Mary. ”

“ GEORGE. I see no prospect of Dinah's marriage taking place for many years.
OLIVIA. No, dear, that was what I said.
GEORGE (not understanding for the moment) . You said. . .? I see. Now, Olivia, let us have this perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my—er—proposal as serious.
OLIVIA (surprised) . Wasn't it serious? Were you trifling with me?
GEORGE. You know quite well what I mean. You treat it as an ordinary proposal from a man to a woman who have never been more than acquaintances before. Very well then. Will you tell me what you propose to do, if you decide to—ah—refuse me? ”

“ Look at yourself in the glass—how can you help being a princess? But if we could be companions, Melisande! That's difficult; that's worth trying.
MELISANDE (gently) . What do you want me to do?
GERVASE. Get used to me. See me in a top-hat—see me in a bowler-hat. Help me with my work; play games with me—I'll teach you if you don't know how. I want to share the world with you for all our lives. That's a long time, you know; we can't do it on one twenty-minutes' practice before breakfast. We can be lovers so easily—can we be friends? ”

“ People don't dress in blue and gold nowadays. I mean men.
MELISANDE. No. (She sighs) Well, I suppose I shall never marry.
JANE. Of course, I'm not romantic like you, darling, and I don't have time to read all the wonderful books you read, and though I quite agree with everything you say, and of course it must have been thrilling to have lived in those wonderful old days, still here we are, and (with a wave of the hand) —and what I mean is—here we are.
MELISANDE. You are content to put romance out of your life, and to make the ordinary commonplace marriage? ”

“ OLIVIA. Oh no, that part ought to be quite easy. But— (She hesitates.)
GEORGE. But what?
OLIVIA. Well, if you want to marry me to-morrow, George, oughtn't you to propose to me first?
GEORGE (amazed) . Propose?
OLIVIA. Yes. It is usual, isn't it, to propose to a person before you marry her, and—and we want to do the usual thing, don't we?
GEORGE (upset) . But you—but we . . .
OLIVIA. You see, dear, you're George Marden, and I'm Olivia Telworthy, and you—you're attracted by me, and think I would make you a good wife, and you want to marry me. ”

“ OLIVIA. Do we?
GEORGE. Of course we do.
OLIVIA. I wonder. When two people of our age think of getting married, one wants to be very sure that there is real community of ideas between them. Whether it is a comparatively trivial matter, like the right colour for a curtain, or some very much more serious question of conduct which arises, one wants to feel that there is some chance of agreement between husband and wife.
GEORGE. We—we love each other, old girl.
OLIVIA. We do now, yes. But what shall we be like in five years' time? ”

“ OLIVIA. Aunt Julia wants to see the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather tired, and your uncle has some business to attend to.
LADY MARDEN. I've always said that you don't take enough exercise, Olivia. Look at me—sixty-five and proud of it.
OLIVIA. Yes, Aunt Julia, you're wonderful.
DINAH. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise?
GEORGE. Don't stand about asking silly questions, Dinah. Your aunt hasn't much time.
BRIAN. May I come, too, Lady Marden?
LADY MARDEN. Well, a little exercise wouldn't do you any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an artist, ain't you? ”

“ MELISANDE. Oh, Bobby, everything's wrong. The man to whom I give myself must be not only my lover, but my true knight, my hero, my prince. He must perform deeds of derring-do to win my love. Oh, how can you perform deeds of derring-do in a stupid little suit like that!
BOBBY (looking at it) . What's the matter with it? It's what every other fellow wears.
MELISANDE (contemptuously) . What every other fellow wears! And you think what every other fellow thinks, and talk what every other fellow talks, and eat what every other—I suppose you didn't like the bread-sauce this evening? ”

“ GERVASE (getting up) . Madam, when the third son of a humble woodcutter engages in mortal combat with one upon whom the beautiful Princess has frowned, there can be but one end to the struggle. To doubt this would be to let Romance go.
MELISANDE. You are right. I should never have doubted.
GERVASE. At the same time, it would perhaps be as well to ask the help of my Uncle Otto.
MELISANDE. But is it fair to seek the assistance of an uncle in order to kill one small black and white suitor?
GERVASE. Ah, but he is a wizard. One is always allowed to ask the help of a wizard. ”

“ BRIAN. I'll make you love it. You shan't be sorry, Dinah.
DINAH. You shan't be sorry either, Brian.
BRIAN (looking at her lovingly) . Oh, I know I shan't. . . . What will Olivia think about it? Will she be surprised?
DINAH. She's never surprised. She always seems to have thought of things about a week before they happen. George just begins to get hold of them about a week after they've happened. (Considering him) After all, there's no reason why George shouldn't like you, darling.
BRIAN. I'm not his sort, you know.
DINAH. You're more Olivia's sort. Well, we'll tell Olivia this morning. ”

“ JANE (coming back to the sofa) . Poor Aunt Mary! It always seems so queer that one's mother and aunts and people should have had their romances too.
MELISANDE. Do you call that romance, Jane? Tennis and subscription dances and wearing tight shoes?
JANE (awkwardly) . Well, no, darling, not romance of course, but you know what I mean.
MELISANDE. Just think of the commonplace little story which mother has just told us, and compare it with any of the love-stories of history. Isn't it pitiful, Jane, that people should be satisfied now with so little? ”

“ You don't mind my asking, do you?
STRANGER. I can tell you what work I'm going to do after to-day.
LADY PEMBURY. Oh, do!
STRANGER (violently) . None!
LADY PEMBURY (surprised) . None?
STRANGER. No more work after to-day.
LADY PEMBURY. Won't that be rather dull?
STRANGER. Well, you ought to know. I'm going to be one of the idle rich—like you and Sir John—and let other people work for me.
LADY PEMBURY (thoughtfully) . I shouldn't have said my husband was idle. But there it is. No two people ever agree as to what is work and what isn't.
STRANGER. What do you know about work—you aristocrats? ”

“ OLIVIA. If he draws round clouds in future, George, will you let him marry Dinah?
GEORGE. What—what? Yes, of course, you would be on his side—all this Futuristic nonsense. I'm just taking these clouds as an example. I suppose I can see as well as any man in the county, and I say that clouds aren't triangular.
BRIAN. After all, sir, at my age one is naturally experimenting, and trying to find one's (with a laugh) —well, it sounds priggish, but one's medium of expression. I shall find out what I want to do directly, but I think I shall always be able to earn enough to live on. ”

“ Enter BOBBY and MR. KNOWLE. JANE has already described BOBBY for us. MR. KNOWLE is a pleasant, middle-aged man with a sense of humour, which he cultivates for his own amusement entirely.
BOBBY. Were you very miserable without us? (He goes towards them.)
JANE (laughing) . Very.
(MELISANDE gets up as BOBBY comes, and moves away.)
MR. KNOWLE. Where's your Mother, Sandy?
MELISANDE. In the dining-room, I think, Father.
MR. KNOWLE. Ah! Resting, no doubt. By the way, you won't forget what I said about the bread-sauce, will you?
MELISANDE. You don't want it remembered, Father, do you? ”

“ JILL (closing her eyes) . I'm quite happy, Oliver, thank you.
OLIVER (after a pause, a little awkwardly) . Jill, you didn't ever want to marry a pirate, did you?
JILL (still on her back with her eyes shut) . I hadn't thought about it much, Oliver dear.
OLIVER. Because I can get you an awfully decent pirate, if you like, and if I was his brother-in-law it would be ripping. I've often been marooned with him, of course, but never as his brother-in-law.
JILL. Why don't you marry his daughter and be his son-in-law?
OLIVER. He hasn't got a daughter. ”

“ MELISANDE (warningly) . It's no good your saying you like it, Jane, after what you told me yesterday.
JANE. I don't like it, but it doesn't make me miserable doing it. But then I'm different. I'm not romantic like Melisande.
MELISANDE. One doesn't need to be very romantic not to want to talk about bread-sauce. Bread-sauce on a night like this!
MRS. KNOWLE. Well, I'm only thinking of you, Sandy, not of myself. If I thought about myself I should disregard all the warnings that Dr. Anderson keeps giving me, and I should insist on doing the housekeeping just as I always used to. ”

“ SUSAN. My dear sir, you don't mean to tell me that you would do me the honour of joining me at my simple repast?
GERVASE (jumping up excitedly) . The honour of joining you!—the honour! My dear Mr. Susan! Now I know why they call you Gentleman Susan. (Shaking his head sadly) But no. It wouldn't be fair to you. I should eat too much. Besides, Ernest may come back. No, I will wait. It wouldn't be fair.
SUSAN (unpacking his breakfast) . Bacon or cheese?
GERVASE. Cheese—I mean bacon—I mean—I say, you aren't serious?
SUSAN (handing him bread and cheese) . ”

“ Well, Bobby?
BOBBY (awkwardly) . Well, Sandy?
MELISANDE (angrily) . Don't call me that; you know how I hate it.
BOBBY. Sorry. Melisande. But it's such a dashed mouthful. And your father was calling you Sandy just now, and you didn't say anything.
MELISANDE. One cannot always control one's parents. There comes a time when it is almost useless to say things to them.
BOBBY (eagerly) . I never mind your saying things to me, Sandy—I mean, Melisande. I never shall mind, really I shan't. Of course, I know I'm not worthy of you, and all that, but—I say, Melisande, isn't there any hope? ”

“ OLIVIA. He's twenty-four.
GEORGE. And Dinah's nineteen. Ridiculous!
OLIVIA. If he'd been a Conservative, and thought that clouds were round, I suppose he'd have seemed older, somehow.
GEORGE. That's a different point altogether. That has nothing to do with his age.
OLIVIA (innocently) . Oh, I thought it had.
GEORGE. What I am objecting to is these ridiculously early marriages before either party knows its own mind, much less the mind of the other party. Such marriages invariably lead to unhappiness.
OLIVIA. Of course, my first marriage wasn't a happy one. ”

“ LADY MARDEN. No. We shall all feel it. Terribly.
GEORGE (his apology) . If there were any other way! Olivia, what can I do? It is the only way, isn't it? All that that fellow said—of course, it sounds very well—but as things are. . . . Is there anything in marriage, or isn't there? You believe that there is, don't you? You aren't one of these Socialists. Well, then, can we go on living together when you're another man's wife? It isn't only what people will say, but it is wrong, isn't it? ”

“ OLIVIA. You do talk nonsense, darling.
DINAH. Well, I'm so happy, now that Mr. Pim has relented about your first husband—
(GEORGE catches OLIVIA'S eye and smiles; she smiles back; but they are different smiles.)
GEORGE (the actor) . Yes, yes, stupid fellow Pim, what?
BRIAN. Absolute idiot.
DINAH.—And now that George has relented about my first husband.
GEORGE. You get on much too quickly, young woman. (To BRIAN) So you want to marry my Dinah, eh?
BRIAN (with a smile) . Well, I do rather, sir.
DINAH (hastily) . Not at once, of course, George. ”

“ I want to do what's right, Olivia. You believe that?
OLIVIA. Of course I do. It's only that we don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong.
GEORGE. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, all the world over.
OLIVIA (with a sad little smile) . But more particularly in Buckinghamshire, I think.
GEORGE. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this man Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would accept money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted simply my own happiness, Olivia, that is what I should say. ”

“ GEORGE. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband for Dinah. I don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long as he can support her and there's a chance of their being happy together. Now, with regard to this fellow—
OLIVIA. You mean Brian?
GEORGE. He's got no money, and he's been brought up in quite a different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to believe that—er—all cows are blue, and that—er—waves are square, but she won't go on believing it for ever. ”

“ OLIVIA. Yours, George? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court will absolve you of all blame; your friends will sympathise with you, and tell you that I was a designing woman who deliberately took you in; your Aunt Julia——
GEORGE (overwrought) . Stop it! What do you mean? Have you no heart? Do you think I want to lose you, Olivia? Do you think I want my home broken up like this? ”

“ OLIVIA. I want to be sure that I am going to be happy, George. I can't just jump at the very first offer I have had since my husband died, without considering the whole question very carefully.
GEORGE. So I'm under consideration, eh?
OLIVIA. Every suitor is.
GEORGE (sarcastically, as he thinks) . Well, go on.
OLIVIA. Well, then, there's your niece. You have a niece who lives with you. Of course Dinah is a delightful girl, but one doesn't like marrying into a household in which there is another grown-up woman. But perhaps she will be getting married herself soon? ”

“ Well, I'm afraid I must——
MELISANDE (pulling her down) . Don't go, Jane. I suppose there are a great many of you on the Stock Exchange, Mr. Mallory?
GERVASE. Oh, quite a lot.
MELISANDE. Quite a lot, Jane. . . . You don't know Bobby—Mr. Coote?
GERVASE. N—no, I don't think so.
MELISANDE. I suppose there are so many of you, and you dress so much alike, and look so much alike, that it's difficult to be quite sure whom you do know.
GERVASE. Yes, of course, that makes it more difficult.
MELISANDE. Yes. You see that, don't you, Jane? . . . You play billiards and bridge, of course, Mr. Mallory? ”

“ JANE. Years and years sometimes, Melisande.
MELISANDE. For years and years—and wherever they go, people make silly little jokes about them, and cough very loudly if they go into a room where the two of them are. And then they get married at last, and everybody comes and watches them get married, and makes more silly jokes, and they go away for what they call a honeymoon, and they tell everybody—they shout it out in the newspapers—where they are going for their honeymoon; and then they come back and start talking about bread-sauce. ”