Abraham Lincoln

“ When President Lincoln visited the army of the Potomac, a captain with a face cut and slashed in all directions, complained of the great want of ambulances and the consequent sufferings of the wounded. “I will do my best,” replied Abe, “to supply the deficiency,” and then, turning to another, he remarked that “the captain had no right to complain of the number of his (s) cars.” ”

“ Abe Lincoln, the late President of the United States of America, was born on the 12th of February, 1809, in Hardin County, in the State of Kentucky. His grandfather, who emigrated from Virginia to the above State, was slain by the Indians in 1784. Thomas Lincoln, father of the President, and Nancy Hawks, his mother, were natives of Virginia. The opportunities for education enjoyed by Abraham were few and far between, for at an early age his father needed his assistance in clearing the forest, and making it a fitting dwelling place for man. ”

“ Why is a man who deals in stale jokes like a stock-jobber?” After sundry ineffectual attempts upon the part of his friend to find an answer, the presidential joker gave the following for a reply: “Because he deals in fun dead (funded) property.”
A Grumbler Answered.
A certain well-known American grumbler once appeared before the president to obtain the dismissal of General Grant upon the ground of drunkenness. “Why,” exclaimed the faultfinder, “he, on one occasion, drank twelve bottles of wine at a sitting.” “That,” said Lincoln, “is more than I can swallow.” ”

“ When it was falsely telegraphed that Charlestown was in flames, the President explained his disbelief by saying that he believed it was a flaming lie!
The Sword and the Law.
The President was lamenting to a lawyer the immense number who fell at the battle of ——. The lawyer, to soothe him, said “That those who live by the sword must expect to die by the sword!” “Yes,” said Abe; “and those who live by the law must expect to die by the law.” ”

“ Lincoln doubting the heroism of the niggers, her husband related the following:—“A negro at Boston had a severe attack of rheumatism, which finally settled in his foot. He bathed it and rubbed it, but to no purpose. Finally, tearing the bandage off, he stuck it out with a savage grin, and shaking his fist at it, exclaimed, ‘Ache away, dear old feller, I shan’t do nothing more for yer; dis child,’ tapping his breast, ‘can stand it as long as you can, so ache away.’”
Hirsute Philosophy.
“For a military man,” said a conceited coxcomb, to Abe one day, “don’t you think moustaches becoming?” ”

“ Two instances where the President was not reminded of a story.
The President is often naturally bantered about his habit of story-telling.
Dr. Hovey, of Dansville, N.Y., called at the White House, and found the occupant on horseback, ready for a ride. The Dr. approached and [37] said: “Lincoln, I thought I would call and see you before leaving the city, and hear you tell a story.”
Lincoln greeted him pleasantly, and asked him where he was from.
The reply was: “From Western New York.”
“Well, that’s a good enough country without stories,” said the President, and off he rode. ”

“ Can always cook a-board.
The captain quickly did reply,
While standing by the wheel,
’Tis little, Abe’rm, that we have—
How can we cook a deal.” A Strange Similarity.
“Why is the Northern army,” asked the President, “like the post-office at Washington?” “Because it is made up of columns, wings, and squares, and, judging from the past, it is also doomed.”
Economy.
“There is no nonsense about these sardines,” said Mrs. Lincoln, “they are genuine, and came from the Mediterranean.” “Yes,” said Lincoln, “and if you leave them to themselves they will go a great deal farther.” ”

“ Another member of Congress was conversing with the President, and was somewhat annoyed by the President’s propensity to divert attention from the serious object he had on his mind, by ludicrous allusions.
“Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I think you would have your joke if you were within a mile of hell.”
“Yes,” said the President, “that is about the distance to the Capitol.”
Inquisitiveness Nonplussed.
Mr. Lincoln has a very effective way sometimes of dealing with men who trouble him with questions. Somebody asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. ”

“ Old Abe is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him who was certainly [36] three inches taller than the former; he was like the mathematical definition of the straight line—length without breadth. “Really,” said old Abe, “I must look up to you; if you ever get in a deep place you ought to be able to wade out.” That reminds us of the story told of Lincoln, when called from an hotel. He at once obeyed the command of the assembled Yankees, with his wife (somewhat below medium height) , and made the following quizzical remarks: “Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. ”

“ Abe, at one of his morning levees, had a visitor who introduced himself as one of the President’s best friends, and soliciting a government post then vacant as the gift of Abe, urged his claim for the appointment upon the ground that it was solely through the applicant’s exertions Mr. Lincoln was elected president. “Oh, indeed;” said Abe, “I now look upon the man, who of all men, has crowned my existence with a crown of thorns—no post for you in my gift, I assure you ”

“ A lieutenant told the president that of all the men that composed his regiment, the Irish gave him the greatest amount of uneasiness. “Sir,” was Lincoln’s reply, “our enemies, the rebels, make the same complaint.”
Skill of a Young Officer.
McClellan was once speaking to the President of a promising young officer who was slain at the cattle of Bull’s run. “Oh,” said the American Chief, “if there was doubt about his being skilled [16] while living, no one doubts but that he’s (s) killed now.” ”

“ When Sojourner Truth visited the present occupant of the White House, the President gave him a most hearty welcome. “Lies,” said he, “are [45] pictured as being black as Erebus; but thou, Truth, art black also.” The most numerous lies, said the sable skin, are white lies. ”

“ It is said that, some time ago, a gentleman hinted to the President that it was deemed quite settled that he would accept a re-nomination for his present office, whereupon Mr. Lincoln was reminded of a story of Jesse Dubois, out in Illinois. Jesse as State Auditor, had charge of the State House at Springfield. An itinerant preacher came along and asked the use of it for a lecture. ”

“ Why, stranger, you can choose there any climate you like, hot or cold, and that without travellin’ more than fifteen minutes. Jest think o’ that the next cold morning when you get out o’ bed. There’s a mountain there—the Sawyer Navaday, they call it—with a valley on each side of it, the one hot, and t’other cold. Well, get on the top of that mountain with a double-barrelled gun, and you can, without movin’, kill either summer or winter game, jest as you will. ”

“ You see, all of our Generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnumbers them from three or five to one, and I must believe [34] them; we have four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four make twelve; don’t you see it?”
The inquisitive man looked for his hat soon after “seeing it.”
The Judge and his Coachman.
One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, “Come, now, Bates, he’s not half so bad as you think. ”

“ How to Fight.
“Those Southerners fight! its all blarney,” said Abe;
“Put your swords in your sheath, boys, and lick Hills;
“But a man without a sword is at fighting a babe
“Then, damn-me, said Abe, use your Sickles!”
[23]
A Majority Wanted.
When it was reported to Abe Lincoln that the men engaged in the coal pits had refused to fight the old joker said, “He didn’t expect miners (minors) to fight;” “but stay,” said Lincoln, “is there no way of making Majors of these minors?”
A Story concerning a Second Term. ”

“ Lincoln,” said he, “I thought I’d call and pay my respects.” “From the complaints of the soldiers,” responded the President, “I guess that’s about all any of you can pay.”
Coffee versus Tea.
It is told by a Federal correspondent, who is probably “reliable,” that Mr. Lincoln was walking [26] up Pennsylvania Avenue the other day, relating “a little story” to Secretary Seward, when the latter called his attention to a new sign bearing the name of “T. R. Strong.” “Ha!” says old Abe, his countenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, “T. R. Strong, but coffee are stronger.” ”

“ President, I have come to tell you that I think we have got to Fox river.’ The old joker thanked the clergyman, and laughed heartily.”
An extraordinary reply by Old Abe.
One day, it is said, a distinguished New York official was at Washington, and in an interview with old Abe, introduced the question of emancipation. “You see,” said Lincoln, “we’ve got to be mighty cautious how we manage the negro question; if we’re not, we may be like unto the [40] barber out in Illinois, who was shaving a fellow with hatchet face and lantern jaws like mine. ”

“ Lincoln?” said a well-known member of the senate, who was [5] standing by. “Why, I think,” answered Abraham, “that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in the heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.”
A Poultry (paltry) War.
A crony of Abe’s—a man named Payne, was appointed a general at Illinois; in reference to his election the following is recorded, which the president tells with great gusto: One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. ”

“ For a black’s never made till he’s free!” Abe’s First Joke.
Abe Lincoln, when a boy, had an uncle who kept a mill down west. Noticing that the mill was going very slow, the young joker, on meeting the [10] miller, said, he could eat the meal faster than the mill ground it. ”

“ It is shameful—nay, more; it is cruel;
Your failures, disasters, really give one the blues,
And I wish I could only make you Hill” (you ill) . Shakspearian Query.
Abraham is known to be very fond of Shakspeare, yet at times, to indulge in a joke, even at the expense of his favourite. A short time since, [17] he wrote as follows to a popular actor, with whom he is known to be on intimate terms:—
“In Hamlet, Act II., Scene 2, is this:—
“‘King. ”