Anonymous

“ Q. What is the coldest part of a man?
A. His knees.
Q. What is the coldest part of a woman?
A. The back part of her body.
Q. What's the reason that these three parts of men, women and dogs are coldest?
A. Fabulous historians write, that there was three little holes broke in Noah's ark, and that the dog put his nose in one, and another the man put his knee in it, a third and biggest hole broke, and the woman set her backside into it; and these parts being exposed to the cold blast, makes them always cold ever since.
Q And what remedy does the man take to warm his knees? ”

“ A Because so many lofty teachers come from the south among us, where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection, hot oaths, new struck off, with as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea. ”

“ Q. Which are the disorderliest creatures in battle?
A. Cows and dogs, for they all fall upon them that are neathmost.
Q. Who are the vainest sort of people in the world?
A. A barber, a tailor, a young soldier and poor dominie
Q. What is the great cause of the barber's vanity?
A. His being admitted to trim noblemens chasts, thyke their sculls, take kings by the nose, and hold a razor to to his very throat, which no subject else dare do.
Q. What is the great cause of the tailor's pride? ”

“ O rise woman and clean the bed, and keep your arse and a' the liberty ye had before, and more, if ye want it; feigh, what's this, I'm a' dirt.
A ships crew being one time in great distress at sea, by reason of a violent storm and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom: there happened to be an old gentleman, a passenger on board with them, who had a great big red nose, with drinking ale and whisky ”

“ A drover who frequented a public inn in the north of England, as he passed and repassed, agreed with the servant maid of the house for a touch of love; for which he gave her a six and thirty shilling piece: On the next morning he mounted his horse, without asking abill or what was to pay; but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning: Well minded, sir, I forgot my change; the maid was called in all haste ”

“ A. Because private marriages are become as common as smuggling, and cuckolding the kirk no more thought of than to ride a mile or two on his neighbour's mare! men get will and wale of wives, the best portion, and properest person is preferred, the first left, the weak to the worst, and she whom he does not love, he shutes away with his foot, and lies down with whom he pleases. ”

“ A sailor travelling between Edinburgh and Linlithgow, which is 12 long computed miles; and as he was setting out in the morning about eight o'clock; he saw a vain-like young spark go running past him, which he never minded, but kept jogging on at his own leisure: and as he was going into Linlithgow about twelve o'clock up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor what o'clock it was, Why, says the sailor, I see you have a watch and I have none, what is it? Out he pulls his watch, ho! ”

“ A. The married women turn their backside about to the goodman's belly; virgins, and those mad for marriage, the heat of their maiden-heads keeps them warm; old matrons and whirl'd o'er maidens, widows, and widows bewitched, hold up their cold parts to the fire.
Q. And what remedy does the poor dog take for his cold nose?
A. Staps it in below his tail, the hottest bit in his body.
Q. What is the reason that dogs are worse on chapmen, than on any other strange people? ”

“ The second is because in old times the chapmen used to buy dogs and kill them for their skins. The third is, when a chapman was quartered in a farmer's house, that night the dog lost his property, the licking of the pot.
Q. What creature resembles most a drunken piper;
A. A cat when she sips milk; she always sings, and so does a piper when he drinks good ale. ”

“ A, All the odds lies in the difference, for if you ask a child to whom he belongs, or who is his father, he will tell you to kiss his father's a—e.
Q. What kind of creatures are kindliest when they meet?
A None can exceed the kindness of dogs when they meet in a market. ”