Arnold Bennett

“ A baronetcy given to a bigamist! No Government could possibly survive the exposure.
MRS. CULVER. Not even if its survival was necessary to the success of the Allied cause?
CULVER ( gloomily, shaking his head ) . My dear, Tranto is right. This great country has always insisted first of all, and before anything else whatever, on the unsullied purity of the domestic life of its public men. Let a baronetcy be given, or even offered, to a bigamist—and this great country would not hesitate for one second, not one second.
TRANTO. The danger still exists. And only one man in this world can avert it. ”

“ CULVER. None of us were let into the secret, Hermione—I mean until comparatively recent times. It was a matter between Hilda's conscience and her editor.
MRS. CULVER. Oh! I'm not complaining. I'm so relieved she didn't write those dreadful cookery articles.
HILDEGARDE. But do you mean to say you aren't frightfully shocked by my advanced politics, mamma?
MRS. CULVER. My child, how naïve you are, after all! A woman is never shocked, though of course at times it may suit her to pretend to be. Only men are capable of being shocked. ”

“ CULVER. You ought to marry Mr. Sampson Straight. (Hildegarde starts and is silent .)
JOHN. Fancy me having to go back to school the son of a rotten baronet, and with the frightful doom of being a rotten baronet myself. What price the anti-hereditary-principle candidate! Dad, I hope you won't die just yet—it would ruin my political career. ”

“ TRANTO. What if I did? John can't expect to discover the whole truth about everything at one go. He's found out it's a jolly strange world. That ought to satisfy him for to-day. Besides, he only asked me about my uncles. He said nothing about my uncles' wives. You know what women are—I mean wives.
HILDEGARDE. Oh, I do! Mother is a marvellous specimen.
TRANTO. I haven't told you the worst.
HILDEGARDE. I hope no man ever will.
TRANTO. The worst is this. Auntie Joe actually thinks I 'm Sampson Straight.
[pg 21] HILDEGARDE. She doesn't!
TRANTO. She does. She has an infinite capacity for belief. ”

“ HILDEGARDE. The strange thing to me is that decent people condescend to receive titles at all.
MRS. CULVER. Bravo, Hildegarde! Yes, if it's so bad as you make out, Arthur, why do decent people take Honours?
CULVER. I'll tell you. Decent people have wives, and their wives lead them by the nose. That's why decent people take Honours. ”

“ TRANTO. Don't you care a little—
HILDEGARDE ( letting herself go ) . Why should I care? What have I done to make you imagine I care? It's quite true that I've saved your newspaper from an early grave. It was suffering from rickets, spinal curvature, and softening of the brain; and I've performed a miraculous cure on it with my articles. I'm Sampson Straight. But that's not enough for you. You can't keep sentiment out of business. No man ever could. You'd like Sampson Straight to wear blouses and bracelets for you, and loll on sofas for you, and generally offer you the glad eye. It's an insult. ”

“ She's far too clever to understand anything she doesn't like. Perhaps that's the secret of her power. No, if the truth about Sampson Straight is to come out I must leave home—quietly but firmly leave home. And why not? I can keep myself in splendour on Sampson's earnings. And the break is bound to come sooner or later. I admit I didn't begin very seriously, but reading my own articles has gradually made me serious. I feel I have a cause. A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.
TRANTO. Cause be hanged! ”

“ The real explanation is that no one wants the Government to fall because no one wants to step into the Government's shoes. However, thanks to Tranto's masterly presence of mind in afflicting Sampson with a disease that kills like prussic acid, the Government can no longer give Sampson a title, and the danger to the Government is therefore over.
TRANTO. Over! I wish it was! Supposing the Government doesn't happen to see my late extra in time! Supposing the offer of a baronetcy to Sampson Straight goes forth! The mischief will be done. ”

“ TRANTO. But dash it! You could eat your mother!
HILDEGARDE. Pardon me. The contrary is the fact. Mamma could eat me.
[pg 25] TRANTO. But you're the illustrious Sampson Straight. There's more intelligence in your little finger than there is in your mother's whole body. See how you write.
HILDEGARDE. Write! I only began to write as a relief from mamma. I escaped secretly into articles like escaping into an underground passage. But as for facing mamma in the open!... Even father scarcely ever does that; and when he does, we hold our breath, and the cook turns teetotal. ”

“ I suppose you haven't by any chance told father that I'm Sampson Straight?
TRANTO. Certainly not.
HILDEGARDE. You're sure?
TRANTO. Absolutely.
HILDEGARDE. Well, I'm sorry.
TRANTO. Why?
HILDEGARDE ( quietly sarcastic ) . Because papa told me you did tell him. Therefore father is a liar. I don't like being the daughter of a liar. I hate liars.
TRANTO. Aren't you rather cutting yourself off from mankind?
HILDEGARDE ( going straight on ) . For the last day or two father had been giving me such queer little digs every now and then that I began to suspect he knew who Sampson Straight was. ”

“ Mater, you really are a bit too thick. If it was a knighthood, I wouldn't care. You could have your blooming knighthood. Knighthoods do come to an end. Baronetcies go on for ever. I've told the dad, and I'll tell you, that I will not have my political career ruined by any baronetcy. And if you insist—may I respectfully inform you what I shall do? May I respectfully inform you—may I?
MRS. CULVER. John!
JOHN. I shall chuck Siege and go into the Flying Corps. And that's flat. If you really want to shorten my life, all you have to do is to stick to that bally baronetcy. ”

“ MRS. CULVER. I'm so glad. (Culver starts and looks round .) What is it, Arthur?
CULVER. Nothing! I thought I heard the ice cracking. (Hildegarde begins to smile .)
STRAIGHT ( looking at the floor; simply ) . Ice?
MRS. CULVER. Arthur!
STRAIGHT. It was still thawing when I came in. As I was saying, I'm an old-fashioned man. And I'm a provincial—and proud of it.
MRS. CULVER. But my dear Mr. Straight, really, if you'll excuse me, you look as if you never left the pavement of Piccadilly. [pg 117] CULVER. Say the windows of the Turf club, darling. ”

“ TRANTO. Oh! I'm ready. Secrecy was a great stunt at first. Letting out the secret will be an even greater stunt now. It'll make the finest newspaper story since the fearful fall of the last Cabinet. Sampson Straight—equals Miss Hildegarde Culver, the twenty-one year old daughter of the Controller of Accounts! Typist in the Food Department, by day! Journalistic genius by night! The terror of Ministers! Read by all London! Raised the circulation of The Echo two hundred per cent! Phenomenon unique in the annals of Fleet Street! ( In a different tone, noticing Hildegarde's face ) . ”

“ Proverb: When fish has gone bad ten thousand decent men can't take away the stink.
MRS. CULVER. Now you're insulting your country. I know you often pretend your country's the slackest place on earth, but it's only pretence. You don't really think so. The truth is that inside you you're positively conceited about your country. You think it's the greatest country that ever was. And so it is. And yet when your country offers you this honour you talk about bad fish. I say it's an insult to Great Britain.
CULVER. Great Britain hasn't offered me any title. ”

“ When you are you'll soon find out that being a husband is a whole-time job. That's why so many husbands fail. They can't give their entire attention to it. ”

“ Only the simple-minded believe that Honours are given to honour. Honours are given to save the life of the Government. Hence the Honours List. Examine the Honours List and you can instantly tell how the Government feels in its inside. When the Honours List is full of rascals, millionaires, and—er—chumps, you may be quite sure that the Government is dangerously ill.
TRANTO. But that amounts to what we've been saying in The Echo to-day.
CULVER. Yes, I've read the The Echo .
JOHN. I thought you never had a free moment at the office—always rushed to death—at least that's the mater's theory. ”

“ CULVER. Hilda, do remember what your mother said, and try to live up to your position. This isn't the Government that makes enquiries. It's the Government that gets things done.
TRANTO. You perceive the extreme urgency of the crisis. I had to act instantly. I did act. I slew the fellow on the spot, and his obituary will be in my late extra. The danger was awful—greater even than I realised at the moment, because I didn't know till I got back here that there was a genuine and highly unscrupulous Sampson Straight floating about.
MRS. CULVER. Danger? What danger? ”

“ Joshua Ullivant has made a fortune of two million pounds during the war. He has given a hundred thousand to the Prince of Wales's Fund, a hundred thousand to the Red Cross, and a hundred thousand to the party funds. Total net profit on the war, one million seven hundred thousand pounds, not counting the peerage which is now bestowed upon him, and which it must be admitted is a just reward for his remarkable business acumen.'
TRANTO. Very agreeable fellow Ullivant is, nevertheless.
CULVER. Oh, he is. They're most of them too damned agreeable for anything. ”

“ TRANTO. Stand in queues! Mrs. Culver, you make me feel very guilty, plunging in at a [pg 30] moment's notice and demanding a whole dinner in a fatless world. I shall eat nothing but dry bread.
MRS. CULVER. We never serve bread at lunch or dinner unless it's specially asked for. But if soup, macaroni, eggs, and jelly will keep you alive till breakfast—
HILDEGARDE. But there's beefsteak, mamma—I've told Mr. Tranto.
MRS. CULVER. Only a little, and that's for your father. Beefsteak's the one thing that keeps off his neuralgia, Mr. Tranto. ”

“ She's far too clever to understand anything she doesn't like. ”

“ Journalists say a thing that they know isn't true, in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true. ”

“ Whenever he rises to his feet the House empties as if by magic. In cases of inconvenience, when the Government wishes abruptly to close a debate by counting out the House, it [pg 43] has invariably put up Mr. Gentletie to speak. The device has never been known to fail. Nobody can doubt that Mr. Gentletie's patriotic devotion to the Allied cause well merits the knighthood which is now bestowed on him.'
JOHN ( astounded .) Stay me with flagons!
TRANTO. So that's that! And who else?
CULVER. Another of your esteemed uncles. ”

“ Somebody in the Sixth has to be original. I want to fight as much as any chap with wings across his chest, but I've got my private career to think of too. If you ask me, the mater's had a brain-wave for once. ”

“ Beneath this amusing and delightful exterior, there is hidden the most serious, determined, resolute, relentless, inexorable, immovable man that ever breathed. And let me tell you something else, my girl—something I haven't mentioned before because of my nice feelings. ”