Uncle Joe

“ I do not think that I ever met so extraordinary a man as Uncle Joe in all my life. We children were all very fond of him, because he had an inexhaustible supply of stories, and those, too, of a kind which are especially popular with children. ”

“ In short, there never was a man who, according to his own account, had gone through such a series of remarkable adventures as Uncle Joe, and I am therefore quite justified in pronouncing him to have been a most extraordinary man. ”

“ Fanny and Kitty, my two eldest sisters, were looking forward with much pleasure to the visits to the school-room which Uncle Joe always paid about tea-time, not only on account of the stories we were sure to hear, but because it was so very amusing to see the violent efforts which Miss Crinkles, the governess, used to make in order to avoid going into fits of laughter at some of our uncle's jokes, and the entire—though only temporary—loss of dignity which followed her inevitable failure to keep her countenance. ”

“ When a man gets into difficulties, it is the only thing to keep him from sinking outright. When your husband has had as many troubles as I have had, he will know how to value the whiskey bottle."
This conversation was interrupted by a queer-looking urchin of five years old, dressed in a long-tailed coat and trousers, popping his black shock head in at the door, and calling out,
"Uncle Joe!—You're wanted to hum."
"Is that your nephew?"
"No! I guess 'tis my woman's eldest son," said Uncle Joe, rising, "but they call me Uncle Joe. 'Tis a spry chap that—as cunning as a fox. ”

“ Uncle Joe held his pipe in his mouth with his teeth and rubbed his hands with satisfaction, for he was as pleased with my imagined success as I was, and as he looked on I pulled out the stuffing from the skin, placing the wings here, the legs there, and the tail before me, while the head with its white-irised glass eye was stuck upon a nail in the wall just over the bench. ”

“ Now an old gentleman and—feeble, I may say”— Oh! if Uncle Joe could have heard him! “A feeble old man is not the one to be burdened with other folks’ relations. When I go back to town, now, I’ll be able to report that the missing uncle of this waif has been found at last, and that—Shall I say when you will call to reclaim her?”
Father and mother looked into each other’s eyes, one questioning the other, and reading in each but the same answer. Then said Joseph Smith, rightful uncle of our Josephine:
“Spare yourself the trouble, Mr. Wakeman. My brother’s child is our child, as dear and near. ”

“ I declared, looking him steadily in the eye.
"God!" was his only exclamation as he turned slowly back and glanced toward his trembling brother.
"Sir," said I, taking a step toward Uncle Joe, who, between his eagerness to embrace the new-comer and his dread of the consequences of this unexpected meeting, stood oscillating from one side to the other in a manner ridiculous enough to see, "what do you think of the propriety of uttering aloud and here, the suspicions which you were good enough to whisper into my ears an hour ago? ”

“ But it’s dreadful dark everywhere. I guess I don’t like such thick curtains as Uncle Joe has. Mamma’s are thin white ones and it’s always sunshiny at home—’xcept when it isn’t. That’s only when the rains come, and that’s most always the nicest of all. Then we have a dear little fire in the grate, and mamma reads to me, and big Bridget bakes and cooks the best things. We write letters to papa, and mamma sings and plays, and—it’s just lovely! Never mind, Josephine. You’ll be back there soon’s papa gets well again, and Uncle Joe was sort of cryey round his eyes last night. ”

“ They were unkind enough to declare that our good relative's story was true enough up to the time of his stopping at the "Duke's Head," but that at that point he had quitted the limits of strict veracity. They pretended to have the authority of the landlord of that highly respectable inn for the fact, that Uncle Joe, soon after six o'clock, came in and had, not one glass, but three good "stiff" tumblers of brandy-and-water before resuming his journey. ”

“ He was a good talker, and as full of stories as the canvas canoe.
"Well, sir," said Uncle Joe, as he deposited his rod and creel on the table, "what are the prospects?"
"Couldn't be better," replied the boy. "It's cloudy, and there is every sign of rain before noon." ”

“ The excitement of the moment, so long anticipated by her and undreamed of by him, was tinging her cheeks with a little color which made her, for the time being, nearly as handsome as he was and that brought out with distinctness a strong family likeness. This resemblance was swiftly detected by little Josephine, who caught a hand of each exclaiming:
“Why, you’re just the same as one another, my darling Kimono and my precious Uncle Joe! We’re all folks together? We’re all the same Smith folks together!” ”

“ At which the new Uncle Joe threw back his handsome head and laughed as he had not laughed in many a day; for in fancy he could see Miss Penelope, aged seven months, helping “Cousin Josephine” to maintain the dignity of their mutual girlhood, as against a square full of rollicking lads.
Presently everybody was laughing, for happiness is delightfully infectious, and always even more “catching” than the measles. Grandma Merriman and Cousin Desire, who had come quietly into the room; the three black “boys” in the hall outside; the two Uncle Joes and Michael ”

“ He had heard that one should treat a lunatic as if all vagaries were real. Opposition only made an insane person worse. What worse could this little crazy creature, with the lovely face and dreadful manners, do to a finical old bachelor in evening clothes than crush the creases out of his trouser knees?
The lap was not as comfortable as Doctor Mack’s, and far, far from as cosey as mamma’s. Uncle Joe’s long legs had a downward slant to them that made Josephine’s perch upon them rather uncertain. ”

“ How did you greet the man you had been told was your erring nephew?"
"I said: 'To counterfeit wrong when one is right, necessarily opens one to a misunderstanding.'"
"To which ambiguous phrase I answered, as you will remember, with a simple, 'That is true,' a reply by the way that seemed to arouse your curiosity and lead to strange revelations."
"God defend us!" cried Uncle Joe.
The exclamation was enough. I turned to the trembling Edith. ”

“ Then, all at once, Josephine remembered what Doctor Mack had said:
“Don’t be a weeper, little lady, whatever else you are. Be a smiler, like my Cousin Helen, your mamma. You’re pretty small to tackle the world alone, but just do it with a laugh and it will laugh back upon you.”
Not all of which she understood, though she recalled every one of the impressive words, but the “laughing part” was plain enough.
“Course, Rudanthy. No Uncle Joe would be glad to get a crying little girl to his house. I’ll take off my coat and yours, darling. You are pretty tired, I guess. ”

“ The moment he was brought within reach Joe slipped a landing net under him and lifted him out.
"Two pounds and three ounces," he almost shouted, after he had weighed him on his pocket scales. "Now, Uncle Joe, what's your opinion of that rod?"
"A fair sized fish for these waters," said Uncle Joe, as he stepped to the edge of the spring hole for another cast. "As for the rod it's as good a one as you need wish for. If you will take care of him, he will last as long as you will, barring accident." ”

“ Josephine opened her eyes to their widest. This old man in the soiled green dressing-gown, unshaven, frowning and wincing in a horrible manner, was like another person to the handsome gentleman with whom she had dined overnight. He was not half so agreeable, and— Well, mamma often said that nobody in this world had a right to be “cross” and make themselves unpleasant to other people. She was sorry for poor Uncle Joe, and remembered that he had not had the advantage of mamma’s society and wisdom.
“Uncle Joe, you look just like one of them picture-men that was shut up in a tree trunk. ”

“ With these under his arm and me on his shoulder he set out for home accompanied by Roy Sheldon, Uncle Joe taking leave of them at the door, saying that he was going to the post-office.
"I wish every fellow in the world had an uncle like that," said Joe, as he turned about and waved his hand to the gentleman with the gold spectacles.
"So do I," answered Roy, "excepting, of course, Tom Bigden and his crowd."
"I don't except even them," said Joe. "Tom pulls a lovely oar, and I never saw a fellow who could play short stop or train a spaniel like him. ”

“ Joe often talked about the strange fate that had put him on the track of his father.
"I wonder what kind of a man he'll be?" he often said to his chum.
"The best ever!" Blake would answer; "that is, if he's anything like you—and I think he must be."
"That's very nice of you, and I hope he does turn out to be what I wish him to be. I can't even picture him in my mind, though."
"Well, I should think he'd be something like your uncle—even if they were only half-brothers."
"If he is, I suppose it will be all right, though Uncle Bill is a little too wild to suit me. ”

“ Some at the risk of appearing self-interested, urged the old man to stay right on through the winter, and with that unbounded hospitality that is so universal a characteristic of our northern people were offering him a home, “baby and all.” But Uncle Joe’s philosophy is proof against any fears, indeed his faith is such real simple working material all through his life that the cynic calls it fatalism. ”

“ But he is rather sickly and lives with an uncle of mine, over in Camden. He can't work very much, and that is why I have to support myself. Are you alone?"
"Yes. I think my father is living but I can't locate him." ”

“ He was the loudest voiced man in Red Stone township. Every living creature on the farm stood in fear of Uncle Joe's voice. If the stock jumped the fence into another field, Uncle Joe's voice awed them into jumping back again. Fence rails, hoes, rakes or anything that came handy had so often been wielded by his powerful arms on them that his voice was sufficient almost any time to frighten horse, cow or hog into seeking safety in flight when he shouted.
The day for Alfred's going to the country arrived. Aunt Betsy had the neuralgia and Uncle Joe came alone on horseback. ”

“ They never hear any good of themselves. But, say, grandpa, what about our Uncle Joe, whom I heard you denounce so bitterly? You haven’t said I mustn’t speak his name, you know.”
“Don’t talk about him, child, to us or anybody else. He’s an outlaw. Dismiss him from your thoughts, just as I have.”
“Your uncle may not be living now, Jean; if he is alive, I hope he’ll find a better friend than his father,” exclaimed the great-grandmother, speaking in a tone of reproach that surprised none more than herself.
“Tell me all about it, grand-daddie darling! Do! ”

“ Massa Joe says for you to come downstairs. Little gells what live to his house must learn not to keep table waitin’, less’n they can’t stay. Better get up, Miss Josephine.”
She obeyed him, but shivered afresh as she did so. The next moment she was so warm she ran to the window and thrust her head out of it. Peter drew her back and closed the sash with a bang. Then he led her to the washstand and made a futile attempt to brush her tangled curls.
“Never mind, good Peter. I can do it. I’m sorry I went to sleep. Has Uncle Joe wanted me?” she interrupted. ”

“ When Rudanthy had been embraced, to the detriment of her jute ringlets and her mistress’ comfort, Josephine curled down on the rug before the grate to put the doll asleep, observing:
“You’re so cold, Rudanthy. Colder than I am, even. Your precious hands are like ice. You must lie right here close to the fire, ’tween me and it. By-and-by Uncle Joe will come and then—My! Won’t he be surprised? [41] That Peter boy is so dreadful stupid, like’s not he’ll forget to say a single word about us. Never mind. He’s my papa’s twin brother. Do you know what twins are, Rudanthy? I do. ”

“ This old friend was called Colonel Stookley, and he had lost both his legs as the result of wounds; and Uncle Joe generally took rooms next door and played chess with him every evening. He had been very brave, but was now rather wheezy, besides having something wrong with his liver; and as he had lost most of his friends he was always glad to see Uncle Joe. Generally Uncle Joe went to see him alone, so that he could be with him most of the day; but this year he thought that Cuthbert needed a change, and he asked Doris, because Marian had just had a voyage. ”

“ Uncle Joe, by means of the will, which was hidden in the oak chest, came into possession of a beautiful little estate in Normandy, where we all spent many happy days with our French cousins, for he had married a Frenchwoman. I say we, because, thanks to my cousins' good influence on mind and body, I became as strong as any one could expect, and was able to enjoy school life in a quiet way, though never fit for rough games, and always rather sensitive about the slight hump on my back. ”

“ You are going to papa, and I am going to Uncle Joe. Who is going with me there?”
“Nobody, darling. There is nobody who can go. We have no relatives here, except our doctor-cousin, and he is too busy. So we are going to send you by express. It is a safe way, though a lonely one, and— Oh, my darling, my darling; how can I! how can I!”
Ever since papa had gone, so long ago, Josephine had had to comfort mamma. She did so now, smoothing the tear-wet cheek with her fat little hand, and chattering away about the things Bridget had put in her trunk.
“But she mustn’t pack Rudanthy. ”