Arthur Wing Pinero

“ PEGGY.
No—we can't sleep either.
MALLORY.
Well, I don't know about that. [Ermyntrude lights the candle on mantelpiece.]
PEGGY.
Why haven't you and Mr. Saunders gone home? You're not burnt out.
MALLORY.
Perhaps not; but Admiral Rankling asked me to remain, and, if he hadn't, I'm not going to leave this house till my friend Queckett is out of danger.
PEGGY.
Out of danger.
MALLORY.
Yes. Are you aware that you young ladies have brought very grave difficulties upon that unfortunate gentleman?
PEGGY.
[Crying.] He encouraged us! He's a man! ”

“ RANKLING.
Emma, you have completely lost your head. [She raises the broken bust.] I don't mean that confounded bust. That was an ideal.
MRS. RANKLING.
And if a mere sculptor could make your wife an ideal, why shouldn't you try? So, understand me finally, Archibald, I will not be ground down any longer. Unless some arrangement is arrived at for the happiness of dear Dinah and Mr. Paulover, I leave you. ”

“ MISS DYOTT.
But you don't say anything about your own lonely Christmas. I have married a man who is too unselfish.
[The centre door opens slightly, and the heads of the three girls, Peggy, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude appear one above the other, spying.]
QUECKETT.
[Putting down his paper.] Lonely? By Jove, these inquisitive pupils of yours won't let a fellow be lonely! Upon my soul, they are vexing girls. ”

“ REGINALD.
[Fiercely.] And I should like to know the individual, old or young, who would take my wife from me!
MALLORY.
[To himself ] Many a husband would like to know that person.
REGINALD.
In conclusion—as for Admiral Rankling's offer of a paternal friendship, I trust he will remember that offer if ever we should have occasion to remind him of it. [Looking at his watch.] And now I regret to say— [ The girls rise, the men follow. ]
PEGGY.
No, no—not before we have danced one quadrille.
GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.
Oh, yes—oh, yes! A quadrille! ”

“ MISS DYOTT.
I have broken a bust now. It is an embarrassing thing to break a bust in the house of comparative strangers. Oh, will it never be daylight? Does the milkman never come to Portland Place? I have been listening at the keyhole of Vere's room—not a sound. He can sleep with the ruin of Volumnia College upon his conscience while I— [sinking into a chair.'] Ah, I realize now the correctness of the poet's observation—"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown!" [Queckett comes quietly from the dark room, much terrified'.]
QUECKETT.
Rankling's in there—asleep. ”

“ DINAH.
[Clasping her hands.] Five! [There is a distant ring at the bell; with a little cry Dinah runs out. Peggy begins to put her gloves on. Ermyntrude and Gwendoline go to the door, open it, and listen.] [To Queckett.] Thank you for whistling. I shall never make a "Whistling woman," shall I?
QUECKETT.
A wide knowledge of humanity, in its highest and lowest grades, Miss Hesslerigge, does not enable me even to conjecture the possibilities of your future. ”

“ MISS DYOTT.
It had been a long-cherished ambition with me, if ever I married, to wed no one but a gentleman. I do not mean a gentleman in a mere parliamentary sense—I mean a man of birth, blood, and breeding. Respect my confidence—I have wedded the Honourable Vere Queckett. ”

“ QUECKETT.
Admiral Rankling, you will permit me to remind you that in families of long standing and complicated interests there are regrettable estrangements which should be lightly dealt with. [Affected.] You have recalled memories. [Rising.] Excuse me.
RANKLING.
[Rising.] No sir, I will not excuse you!
QUECKETT.
Where are my gloves?
RANKLING.
Because, Mr. Queckett, I have your assurance as a gentleman that your brother Tankerville's daughter is married to a charming young fellow of the name of Parkinson. ”

“ PEGGY.
I have just sent it to the telegraph office, by Tyler.
QUECKETT.
Despatched it!
PEGGY.
Despatched it—it was one and fourpence.
QUECKETT.
Oh, you—you—you vexing girl! Mr. Mallory will be here to-night.
PEGGY.
Yes—and will "Bring two or three good fellows." At least we hope so.
QUECKETT.
Hope so!
PEGGY.
[Standing over him with her arms folded.] Listen, Mr. Vere Queckett. [He starts.] We ladies are going to give a little party to-night to celebrate a serious event in the life of one of us. We have invited only one young gentleman; your friends will be welcome. ”

“ Peggy is standing on a chair, with a large hammer in her hand, nailing up holly.
PEGGY.
[Surveying her work.] There! I'm sure Miss Dyott wouldn't recognise the dull old class-rooms. [Descending.] I think it's time I dressed. [Queckett enters slowly; he is in a perfectly fitting evening dress, with a flower in his button-hole, but looks much depressed. He and Peggy regard each other for a moment silently.] Oh, I'm so glad you're ready early! How good it makes one feel, giving pleasure to others—doesn't it? Aren't you well? ”

“ Uncle Vere! Ah—I was a wild, impetuous, daring lad once— [going to sleep] and I can be unpleasant even now. I can! The Admiralty doesn't know it—Emma doesn't know it—Queckett shall know it. [He breathes heavily. The others have been peeping from their hiding place, and as they close the door, Peggy enters alone, quickly but silently. She looks for the others, then almost falls over Rankling on the sofa, at which she retreats with a suppressed screech of horror. Mallory opens the further door and gesticulates to her violently to be silent.] ”

“ But I don't mind Mallory—I don't— [Looking at sofa.] Hallo—Mallory has been turning in here. [Going to the sofa and sitting there shaking with anger.] Are we never going to have any more daylight? How long am I to wait till that miserable schoolmistress releases the worm Queckett! Queckett! Uncle Vere! The reptile who has made a fool of me in the eyes of my wife and daughter! Ugh! But I must husband my strength for Queckett. I have been a very careful man all my life; as far as muscular economy goes, Queckett shall have the savings of a lifetime. ”

“ MISS DYOTT.
[With pride.] Certainly. So is Harold Archideckne Queckett, Vere's youngest brother. So is Loftus Martineau Queckett, Vere's cousin. They have always been a very united family. But, dear Mr. Bernstein, you have accidentally probed the one—I won't say fault—the one most remarkable attribute of these great Saxon Quecketts. ”

“ But, oh! our life will be a blessed, blessed dream—the worn part going well under the centre table. This evening at half-past nine. Gratefully yours, Reginald Percy Paulover. P.S.—I shall be closely muffled up, as the corner lamp-post under which I stand is visible from the window of Admiral Rank-ling's dining-room. You will know me by my faithful, trusty respirator." Oh! I'm so excited! I wish somebody was coming for me!
ERMYNTRUDE.
I know—we shall be frustrated by Jane!
GWENDOLINE.
Or Tyler! Leave them to me
PEGGY.
—I'll manage 'em!
DINAH.
But there's Miss Dyott's husband! ”

“ QUECKETT.
Mind!
RANKLING.
[Outside.'] Mr. Saunders!
SAUNDERS.
Here, sir.
[Peggy makes a bolt out of the room. Saunders goes to the door, and returns with Rankling. Rankling is in evening dress, overcoat, and muffler, and is much out if breath.]
RANKLING.
Ah, Mr. Queckett, how do you do? We haven't met anywhere lately; I've been away, you know.
QUECKETT.
I am delighted to renew our acquaintance, Admiral Rankling.
RANKLING.
[Puffing.] Mr. Mallory suggested that we should smoke our last cigar at your lodgings. I can't stay, for I've a long distance to drive home. ”

“ TYLER.
A beautiful large lobster salid is come, sir.
QUECKETT.
[Looking at Peggy.] I haven't ordered a lobster salad. [In an undertone.] You know, this is getting extremely vexing. [He takes from his pocket the packets of money previously given him by Miss Dyott.] I've already paid a bill for some oysters and a pâté de foie gras. Jane's wages went for that. [Opening a packet.] Now, here's a salad. That breaks into next week's household expenses. [Handing the money to Tyler, who goes out.]
PEGGY.
We're only girls, you know. And you seem to forget you're our uncle. ”

“ MRS. RANKLING.
[Pointing to Rankling.] This is Admiral Rankling. [Miss Dyott bows ceremoniously. Rankling returns a slight bow and glares at her.]
MISS DYOTT.
[To Mrs. Rankling.] Pray sit by the fire. [As the ladies move to the fire, Queckett, who has been watching his opportunity, creeps round at the back and goes out.]
MRS. RANKLING.
[Warming her feet at the fire.] The Admiral has called upon you, Miss Dyott, with reference to our child, Dinah. [Rankling, with a smothered exclamation of rage, sits on the sofa.]
MISS DYOTT.
Whom we find the charming daughter of charming parents. ”

“ QUECKETT.
Then it is architecturally disproportionate.
PEGGY.
[To herself.] Something must be done. [She runs to the writing-table and begins to write rapidly on three half sheets of paper, folding each into a three-cornered note as she finishes it.] The girls must be warned. [ Writing.] "For goodness' sake, don't taste the pudding." Poor girls—what an end to a happy day! [To himself.] Oh, if the members of my family could see me at this moment! I, whose suppers in the Albany were at one time a proverb! Oh, Caroline, Caroline, even you little know the sacrifice I have made for you! ”

“ JAFFRAY.
The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the Escape.
ALL.
[Turning to the window.] The Escape! is it? Where?
JAFFRAY.
It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies, Mr. Goff—
THE GIRLS.
Oh, take us away! Take us away! [Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out.] ”

“ RANKLING.
On conditions that she doesn't see Paulover's face again for five years.
MRS. RANKLING.
Oh, there will be no difficulty about that. [Reginald and Dinah enter, she is dressed for flight.]
DINAH.
Papa!
REGINALD.
My father-in-law! [They retreat hastily.]
RANKLING.
[Madly.] Who let you out? Who let you in? [He goes out after them—Mrs. Rankling follows.]
MRS. RANKLING.
[As she goes out.] Archibald! continue your dear old self. [Queckett enters by another door, Miss Dyott following him—both out of breath. They look at each other, recovering themselves?] ”

“ PEGGY.
Don't cry, Dinah! [They all try to console her.]
DINAH.
Mamma, who is very delicate, went into violent hysterics and tore at the hearthrug with her teeth. But a day or two afterwards she grew a little calmer, and promised to write to Papa, who was with his ship at Malta.
PEGGY.
And did she?
DINAH.
Yes. Papa, you know, is Admiral Rankling. His ship, the "Pandora," has never run into anything, and so Papa is a very distinguished man.
GWENDOLINE.
And what was his answer? ”

“ QUECKETT.
My love. [To himself] All right.
MISS DYOTT.
I am going to prepare for my journey—the train leaves Paddington at three. [As Miss Dyott goes towards the centre door, Jane enters carrying about twenty boxes of cigars, which she deposits on the floor and then goes out.] What is this?
QUECKETT.
H'm! my cigars, Carrie—brought 'em with me in a cab.
MISS DYOTT.
Oh! [Reading the label of one of the boxes.] "Por Carolina." Ah, poor Caroline. [She goes out. Directly she is gone, Peggy and Queckett, by a simultaneous movement, rush to the two doors and close them.] ”

“ QUECKETT.
My darling!
MISS DYOTT.
[Taking his face between her hands and kissing him.] Um—you spoilt boy! [She runs out.]
QUECKETT.
Now what am I to do about Jack? I can't ask him here. Carrie would never allow it, and if she would I couldn't stand the chaff about marrying a Boarding School. No, I can't ask Jack here. Why can't I ask Jack here? Everybody in bed at nine o'clock—square the boy Tyler to wait. Bachelor lodgings, near Portland Place. Extremely good address. Jack shall give me the details of that eighty-ton gun. Yes—and we'll load it, too. ”

“ The door opens and Queckett, his face pale and haggard, enters, still wearing his hat and the short covert coat over his evening dress, and carrying his gloves and umbrella.]
QUECKETT.
To whom am I indebted for being let out? Was it by way of treachery, I wonder? Somebody has been sitting up late, or rising early! Who is it? [Sniffing and looking about him, then going straight to the mantelpiece, taking up the tumbler and smelling the contents.] I am anxious not to do any one an injustice, but that's Peggy. ”

“ The Escape, ladies and gentlemen—that window—one at a time. [There is a general movement and hubbub. Goff rises, he and Jaffray disappear by the window on the left. Mallory throws open the other window, and Jaffray appears outside and receives Dinah, Gwendoline, Ermyntrude, Peggy, and Jane as they escape.] ”

“ Admiral Rankling's cousin married the sister of the man who bought my brother's horses. [Rubbing his hands together.] I wash my hands of all you vexing girls.
PEGGY.
Don't fret about it, please. Nothing can ever make Mrs. Paulover Miss Rankling again. I'll go and dress while you finish your letter.
QUECKETT.
[Impatiently.] Oh! [He resumes writing at the table.]
PEGGY.
[Going to the door.] The girls will be here directly. Be nice, won't you? [She goes out. Jane enters with tarts and confectionery on dishes which she places on the table before Queckett.] ”