Reginald Harvey Arnold

“ All the remedy a gentleman has in this age is either an apology from his opponent, or the future avoidance and non-recognition of him, or, in extreme cases, a resort to the law.
3. The most indifferent, collected, firm, and blasé of society men are susceptible to embarrassments. No matter how sure you may be of being proof against them, there always comes a time when the firm foundation is undermined by a sudden inpour of unforeseen circumstances, which brings your guarded and [173] fortified walls of conceit and coolness to earth, and tends to humble your pride. ”

“ A gentleman, when he is sure that his attachment to a lady has attained perfection, and is positive of being ever afterward so attached to her as to permit of no disturbance of that affection by force of circumstances, may then and only then have the right of asking for her hand in marriage. It is a much-mooted question whether a gentleman should ask the parents’ or guardian’s consent to the proposal, if the young lady or himself or both are under age. ”

“ A gentleman is conspicuous for one thing only—his good taste. Above all dress are manners and grace. Without these, one can never be a gentleman.
In the other part of this work, manners and customs may be studied.
A gentleman is a man of taste, culture, and refinement.
No man is a gentleman who merely does the acts of a gentleman. He must show good breeding—in dress, manners, and conversation. ”

“ There is not one thing which a society gentleman performs, which gives so much enjoyment not only to himself, but to others. Nothing is more closely criticized, nothing more prominent when in execution; nothing more benefiting as an exercise, [104] and nothing more satisfactory to the performer, than dancing. By that word is meant any performance which has the name of dance, and which has the requisites of “grace,” “ease,” and “perfect performance.” To be a perfect dancer the above expressions in reference to your dancing should be won from your admirers. ”

“ A gentleman should always be perfectly polite with his social inferiors, no matter how he may be brought in contact with them, whether he meets them in company with his equals or inferiors, or if alone. For though your inferiors, they deserve respect, and a deviation from politeness on their account would cause your politeness towards equals to appear false, a shield to your true manner. Always be polite to your inferiors, and it naturally follows that you will be politeness itself with your equals. A gentleman has no superiors. ”

“ When asking a gentleman as escort the lady is expected to furnish the carriage if it is her desire to ride; it is not necessary for the gentleman to bring her flowers in return for her kindness, but an after-gift of the same will suffice. When asking a lady to give you the pleasure of her company for any event, you must, of course, expect to pay all expenses; if in the evening, and she is an old acquaintance, always expect to furnish a carriage. If only an acquaintance, and it is necessary to use a carriage, then a chaperon should be brought with you. ”

“ If single, he should never offer his services as chaperon. He may be such in the daytime, within the city, acting as a guide or protector of his companion; but this is a very weak form of chaperonage compared to that customary in society, which form generally concerns only evening or out-of-town events, when a stricter rule is applied, under the conditions of which a gentleman can never be a chaperon. It must be remembered that though guide and protector are the true meanings of the word chaperon, yet, as far as a gentleman can exercise that right, he can be no more than an escort. ”

“ If you step on a man’s foot, address him with an apology merely; if on a lady’s, the apology must be accompanied by a slight bow. Never carry a parcel of any kind: if a hat is to be taken to the store, carry it in a leather case; if articles of wear, carry them in a satchel. Do not wear too large a boutonnière; a few dozen violets or two or three pinks, or a few sprays of lily of the valley, or a few pansies, or a very small red rosebud for afternoon, and as few leaves as possible. For the evening a few sprays of hyacinth or lily of the valley is the only proper buttonhole bouquet. ”

“ Freedom of manner has been partly defined under the heads of kissing and embracing. Do not on any account allow of any rude actions on your part; always keep a polite distance from a lady, and do not, if you take her hand, retain too long a hold thereof, or press it with your own; in fact, never touch a lady unless she is related to you, under the heads set forth in Section 3, Personal Actions, unless it becomes absolutely necessary; then do it in the most polite manner possible. (b) Freedom of speech is the most important head of familiarity, and includes many classes of rudeness. ”

“ Never flatter a lady, for it is the poorest substitution for a sensible topic that was ever thought of in society. It is disliked by ladies and gentlemen alike, and it shows insincerity in its every use. ”

“ Dress, extravagant or plain, can always have such an effect, if care and taste are exercised. If he is in doubt as to his own ability to dress tastefully, then he should submit himself to tuition, or, if he is too proud to disclose his ignorance in the matter, he should take careful notice of the appearance and [83] good taste displayed by others, and endeavor to gain knowledge therefrom. In order to carry out my advice, it is only necessary that a gentleman should either possess or acquire good taste, and refer entirely to styles established by custom, as elucidated in Part 1. ”

“ When you do so far forget your politeness as to allow the temper to rise, be sure that it is not directed to a lady.
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VISITING
A gentleman should as seldom as possible offer a regret for an invitation to visit, and when doing so must see that his excuse is a good one. Only business, traveling, and sickness are sufficiently strong causes of refusal. To offer a poor excuse is to cause a suspicion of a dislike on your part for the inviter, his or her family or home, or perhaps that you are too little interested in the whole affair to bother about visiting the person. ”

“ A gentleman should make it a rule to be punctual to the time set for his arrival, be it morning, afternoon, or evening. When expected in the morning for breakfast, and the place of visit is out of town, if he arrives at his destination earlier than to his knowledge the family are accustomed to rise, then he should occupy himself in some way till it is time to put in an appearance, that he may be received by the host or hostess at a reasonable hour. ”

“ In society one should always be prepared for impromptu conversation, or small talk, and should always have plenty of it in stock; that is, not the whole substance of the expected conversation, but subjects upon which you can converse at a moment’s notice. At receptions, teas, dinners, dances, or any other entertainment, the topics should be select, and the oral abilities prepared to discuss them in a free and familiar way. ”

“ Under the general head of presents is classed anything given to another at one’s own expense. Give presents to your own family, relatives, fiancée, or very old friends, but not to mere acquaintances.
Section 1. Flowers, though short-lived, are nevertheless the most beautiful gift one person can make to another. It shows taste and a love of nature, and nothing finds more appreciation in the hearts of womankind than flowers. Be careful in [166] your selection; suit the color and quality to the taste and dress of the lady. ”

“ At a dance always take the inside arm of a lady while promenading. Repeatedly ask after her thirst, and never allow her to approach the refreshment table, but bring the glass to her on your kerchief if there are no doilys. Always pay particular attention to the hostess, and ask her repeatedly to dance. Never, if idle and you see her without a partner, allow her to remain thus alone ”

“ Politeness is called for in every turn a gentleman may make, whether among ladies or gentlemen, or inferiors, in society or in business, among relatives, acquaintances, friends, or strangers.
2. An insult is not to be recognized when offered by an inferior; pay no attention to such, unless it is followed by violence, or when it places you in an awkward position in presence of equals, and even then, if from one decidedly inferior, or a woman, do not return it, but summon the agents of the law to rid you of the nuisance. ”

“ In giving a lady soda-water or other cooling drink, do not allow her to use her own kerchief, but insist upon her using one of your own; a gentleman should always carry two. Also, in view of the fact that many pockets in dresses are difficult to discover immediately, the gentleman should thus be prepared for emergencies. If walking in the afternoon with a lady, and you are overtaken by darkness, do not continue, but immediately board a horse-car, enter a stage, or have your carriage follow and meet you, and thus return. ”

“ Remember that you are a gentleman, and success will be yours if the lady possesses any love or affection in her heart for you. It is best not to force your suit [161] upon a woman, for such engagements often cause either a breaking of the engagement between the parties, or unhappiness to both. It is far better to undergo the pain of a refusal for the time being, and endeavor to gain her affection afterward in view of another and more successful trial. ”

“ When walking alone a quick step is to be taken; the toes must be turned out. Never run into a person, if ordinary care can prevent it, and especially give way to a lady, no matter how you may meet. Always keep to the right of the sidewalk, and never pass in front of a lady coming at right angles at a street corner, unless a distance of six feet intervene between said lady and the crossing-point when you reach it. In bowing when alone the hat should be carried quickly down to the right, or left [113] if left-handed, till the back of the hand strikes the hip, then slowly replaced on the head. ”

“ Bowling—Card-playing.—In bowling, a gentleman should keep the score, notify the ladies of their turns as they come round, hand them the balls—not too large, but heavy enough to be thrown with ease and effect. See that they enjoy the game thoroughly, or else cease the sport. If you notice fatigue in a lady’s [108] manner, ask her to desist. Many sprains, dislocations, and twists are the result of attempting to throw balls with tired wrists. A gentleman can organize a bowling club under the supervision of a chaperon attending each meeting. ”

“ Drinking to excess is not the habit of a gentleman. Drink should be taken only in moderation, especially at dinner parties when ladies are present. Do not boast of your fondness for the beverage. If you chance to be at all under the influence of liquor, or even if you have merely a strong odor of it on the breath, do not attend a reception or dance, as such an odor is not perfume to the partners with whom you may dance or converse. ”

“ If of a joking frame of mind, deliver your joke in a quiet way, and do not carry your ability too far; for too much of a good thing is worse than none at all. A few good jokes, delivered with telling effect, will do more for your reputation in that line than a thousand poor ones improperly delivered. ”

“ When asking a lady to drive, do so only on an advanced acquaintance, and do not keep her out after dark. Take care not to allow the whip to dangle in her face, and, in urging on the horses, do so in an easy manner, without that sudden start which throws the lady so violently back in her seat. Do not talk about horses; it is a very poor subject, and [123] savors of poor taste. In calling for a lady do not keep her waiting, but have the vehicle at the door on time. ”

“ A costly present of this class is seldom appreciated as it should be, unless it is given to a lady who stands, or intends to stand, in a very dear position towards you, or to a gentleman friend of long standing and sincere friendship. The only exception allowable for costly gifts of jewelry outside of those rules already stated is in cases of marriage; where the act of presentation of jewels would furnish no ground of suspicion further than extravagance. Whether for a wedding or an ordinary gift, jewelry should always be sent in a box from the store direct, or by messenger ”

“ As to dinner, lunch, or supper, punctuality is not considered, as, being in company with his entertainer, it would be hardly possible for him to be dilatory.
A gentleman should never wear a dressing gown or slippers outside of his room, when visiting or otherwise. He should never enter the dining-room till the host or hostess, or both, have preceded him. Table manners are the same in visiting as at dinners at home and the like. ”

“ Never come intentionally face to face to join her; she will, presumably, think that you wish to stop, and it is a settled conclusion that a lady and gentleman should never stop to talk on the street; in a party it is permissible only if the [117] several persons thereof have chanced to meet, or are in the act of parting. When joining a lady in the morning on the street only accompany her a few blocks, for the morning is shopping-time, and escorts are seldom desired. Never fail to raise the hat on leaving a lady on the street, or at doors or windows. ”

“ If an equal, it is at your own option whether or not you resent the insult, which can be done by the use of irony; thus, though an implied return of the insult, your resentment is on its face politeness itself. Duels are not allowable in America, and seldom in any country. A deadly insult is now usually [172] looked upon by society as a just cause of expulsion of the insulter from its ranks, as no longer worthy of the name of gentleman ”

“ Never flatter or compliment in company, as it makes the object of your attention feel conspicuous, and those present imagine that they are of less importance in your estimation. Do not ask a young lady to attend any entertainment with you, or do not extend any invitation if another lady be present, with whom you are even but slightly acquainted; your partiality for one should never be disclosed to another. Unless you can do it gracefully, do not execute a dance or attempt to imitate stage performers. ”

“ A gentleman should never leave his room without a complete attire, as it is essential that he present the same appearance before a servant as a lady. The same rule should apply when he risks encountering unknown gentlemen, or acquaintances, as it should be his desire to receive respect at the hands of both sexes. ”

“ A full driving suit should always be worn if a lady accompanies you. Always wear gloves in driving. If you have spirited horses to handle, it is not necessary while driving to take off the hat when recognizing a person; a smile and an inclination of the head are sufficient, for taking off the hat interferes considerably with your management of the animals, and has often resulted in serious accidents. Do not take a lady riding in the morning. ”

“ Flowers may be sent to any lady, married or maiden, but never send them as a wedding present. When desirous of sending flowers to a lady with whom you are about to attend an affair, first ascertain whether she desires to wear flowers, and the color of the gown she intends wearing. It is hardly the fashion nowadays to carry hand-bouquets; only loose flowers to be worn on the dress should be sent.
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2. Jewelry should be given as seldom as possible outside of your own family, dear relatives, or fiancée. If given to others, it should be very small, cost little, and not be too elaborate ”