Barry Pain

“ I am thirty-seven years of age, wealthy, and not, I believe, much uglier than other men, and I cannot find the woman that I require. Possibly, among the many cases which must have been brought to your notice, you will have come across some such woman. If so, and if you will arrange a meeting between her and me, I will pay you the sum of one hundred pounds, provided, of course, that I am satisfied on the question of her courage. If, though satisfied on this point, I do not wish to marry her, I will pay her also the sum of one hundred pounds for the trouble which I have given her. ”

“ I always asked the people to whom I sent letters to recommend me to their friends, and in many cases I know that they did so. I gave the best advice that I could, and I had a small shilling book on the marriage laws which I found very useful. Not one couple in a hundred that want to get married really know how it may or may not be done. My clients were chiefly women, and I have grave doubts as to the seriousness of some of the few men who applied to me. ”

“ The women seemed to belong almost exclusively to two sets—domestic servants and foolish people in smart society. The middle-class would have nothing to do with me, and I am not sure, although I always gave the best advice I could, that the middle-class was not right Only once or twice in the curious confessions that were poured out on me did I come upon anything that I should have called real romance. ”

“ Social standing is of no importance whatever. I do not allow popular prejudices to interfere with my actions, even when they are of the least importance, and far less do I admit of such interference in my choice of a wife.—I am, my dear Madam, faithfully yours, ——. ”

“ A four-wheeled cab drove up, and an old gentleman got out. He wore a red rose in his buttonhole and another in his hat. He took four rose-bushes in pots from the interior of the cab and placed them on the pavement, dived back into his cab once more, and came out with a large florist's box. This was packed with red roses, which he proceeded to scatter broadcast. His cabman laughed till he nearly fell off the box, and a large crowd quickly gathered round. The crowd seemed to annoy the old gentleman. ”

“ I pointed out cunningly that however much one might need advice in these matters, there was always a feeling of embarrassment in consulting anyone who knew you. The only person in whom one could confide was the entire stranger. I pointed out, moreover, that real names and addresses need never be given to ms. I only required to know the facts, and I would send a letter of advice specially written for each case for the sum of half a crown. Their letters were to be directed to “Irma,” and I gave the address of a little newsagent who took in letters. ”

“ The emotions wear one out more than work does. I had been living idly and even luxuriously, but I was more tired than I used to be in the days when I lived with my father, and during some financial or domestic crisis the whole of the housework fell to my lot. ”

“ The commission of one hundred pounds was certainly tempting, but none of my correspondents occurred to me as being likely to meet his requirements, even if they had not had their own affairs on their hands. Fear is a feminine quality. Women have a right to it; without being cowardly, they may be able to realise a danger and they may have delicate nerves. ”

“ Every Saturday a knowing-looking young man with a pencil behind his ear and an account-book and a black bag called for the eight shillings. And as long as you paid that nobody cared who you were, or what you did, or why you did it. I rather liked that.
When I was comfortably installed I began to think things out I decided at first to go in for the gratitude of the aged. You know the kind of thing. You render the old gentleman or old lady some slight service in a 'bus or railway carriage, and a month later they die and leave you all their money. ”

“ But he might take his chance, and, in case of failure, fall in line with the doctor at Castel-on-Weld and the young Hindoo in the boarding-house. It is wonderful how many excuses one can find for an action which brings in two hundred pounds.
At the end of the fortnight I wrote and gave him an appointment for the afternoon of two days later, outside the Stores in Victoria-street, when I said that the young lady whom I had selected as likely to meet his requirements would meet him. I suggested that there should be some sign by which he might be known. ”

“ This is the more unfortunate because I am by nature a dominant person. I have been told that my eyes are mesmeric I do not believe in this nonsense, but certainly women seem to find it difficult to meet my gaze fairly and squarely. ”