Charles Harrison

“ So at the early hour of eight
Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.
In bed at eight P.M. each day
Life was but sombre, dull and grey;
No cutting fancy ball room capers,
No Cinemas or evening papers. ”

“ No offers coming, there he died.
Henry VII. 1485–1509
LANCASTRIAN Richmond wins the fight
And to make his title right
Elizabeth of York espouses,
Thus uniting the two Houses.
This Henry Seven of Tudor line
To misers’ habits did incline;
Twelve millions stated to possess,
A tidy little fortune! Yes!
Star Chamber
Much he managed to extort
By means of a Star Chamber Court
From the rich nobles; A new wile
For adding to the kingly pile.
With cash in hand he could attain
His wish as Autocrat to reign;
As sole possessor of the guns
The King no risk from rebels runs. ”

“ Is true, they all were trenchermen;
There were no diet faddists then.
It startles us, one must declare,
To read their breakfast bill of fare;
All ‘Kynes’ of ale, some highly spiced
And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.
In James’ reign a man could get
For money down a coronet
And titles with the greatest ease
Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese.
Harvey
Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows
That blood’s not stagnant, but it flows;
Lord Bacon
‘Experiment!’ Lord Bacon cries
‘There is no progress otherwise.’
[p17] ”

“ No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’
They came to rob, remained to prey.
Horsa 455
Horsa was slain in four-five-five,
Leaving Hengist still alive
To live out his allotted term,
Surviving partner of the Firm.
King Arthur
Time has many a fable wound
About King Arthur’s table round,
Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,
And told their little fairy tales. ”

“ Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all ”

“ It is this ‘run-down-ness,’ ‘out-of-sorts-ness,’ ‘below-par-ness,’ which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least.
“Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called Iron Jelloids No. 2A) , to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight’s Treatment of Iron Jelloids No. ”

“ No quarter given on that day.
Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays
Was always turning different ways;
Barnet 1471
On Barnet Field he met his doom
The Rose of York’s now well abloom.
The Barons, Church and Commons fall,
The King emerges Boss of all. ”

“ To careful folk who would invest
’Twas not devoid of interest.
Another National Debt we owe
To Iron Jelloids which the foe
Depression’s worries keep at bay
And drive our nervous fears away.
Bill of Rights 1689
The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand,
In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land
From all encroachments of the Crown
Hoi Polloi are no longer down.
Queen Anne 1702–1714
GOOD Queen Anne we know is dead ”

“ United should one country be.
First Prince of Wales 1282
In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;
Where afterwards no strife prevails.
He promised a Prince with English
So gave his new-born speechless son.
[p9]
Edward I. 1272–1307 (continued)
NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackle
No easy task the Scotch to shackle;
Wallace and Bruce resistance make,
The King dies ere he gains the stake. ”

“ We know it was no idle chance
His ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.
True friendship and the peace we want
The outcome of this grand Entente.
Though not accented in our rhyme
We’ve been fighting all the time;
And it’s a fact which must be stated
Our chief opponent (so ’twas fated)
Wars with France
Our nearest neighbour o’er the Sea
Whose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;
Like two schoolboys always sparring
Eight hundred years together warring ”

“ Our Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.
‘Unrepresented, you’ve no right
To tax us, therefore we will fight.’
Washington, Franklin and the rest
Formed a Republic quite the best;
We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice;
But at the time we had no choice.
French Revolution
IN France in times of Louis Seize (says)
Oppression dire through countless days
Roused Revolution with its tears
Mainly through books with wrong ideas.
Napoleon I. 1793–1815
From Revolution’s putrid mess
A Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,
Millions of men and women died
Victims to Napoleon’s pride. ”

“ The digestion is enfeebled, and, without feeling actually ill, the sufferer inclines towards an inactive life, while the appetite usually disappears, and a general bodily upset is represented. The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, seen by turning down the lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. ”

“ Dawns on mankind. Before, of course,
In Lightning it was all about,
With noise enough to be found out.
Coelo eripuit fulmen,
’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.
Philosopher of bygone age
Accept our homage on this page.
But who’d have thought it that Galvani
When making soup, (this is no blarney)
By his power of observation
On a frog’s legs’ oscillation
Should find how by chemic ways
Electric currents we can raise?
To call him ‘great’ is no flattery ”

“ Beheaded, saying cool and calm,
‘Cut not my beard, that’s done no harm.’
His friend Erasmus, Logic’s Master,
Trimmed his sails and ’scaped disaster.
A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul’s
School London into being calls.
Wolsey 1530
In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great,
A Cardinal and Man of State,
From Butcher’s son had risen high.
Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.
Blamed by some; by others praised;
He fell; but still the pile he raised
Most nobly graces Hampton Court.
Give Wolsey then a tender thought.
His main ambition that the King
Should be supreme in everything ”

“ There’s no need to descant upon
His boon companion ‘Little John’;
Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblown
He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.
Henry III. 1216–1272
AND what of Henry number Three,
The King who suffered poverty?
It’s very awkward we must own
To be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne ”

“ Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, London, E.C.1. England.
[p1]
A HUMOROUS
HISTORY OF ENGLAND TOLD AND PICTURED
BY
C. HARRISON Published by
WARRICK & BIRD,
4, Nile Street, London, N.1.
1920.
[p2]
[p3]
BOADICEA.
Preface
“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;
But we propose in lighter vein
To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)
Of England’s Evolution scenes.
Who would from facts prognosticate
The future progress of this State,
Must own the chiefest fact to be
Her escalator is the Sea. ”

“ She ‘carries on’ just like the men.
And now at Westminster we see
A lady sitting as M.P.
Darwin 1809–1882
CHARLES Darwin offers us a Key
To help unlock the mystery
Of Evolution’s wondrous span
From Protoplasm up to Man.
Livingstone 1813–1873
The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,
Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;
Where no white man had ever trod
Teaching the blacks the Word of God. ”

“ No Monument in Europe’s older.
[p4]
Phœnicians
MERCHANT explorers of that day,
Hustling Phœnicians, came this way
To ship tin ore from Cornish mines
Three thousand years before these lines.
But still in spite of petty strife
Man lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’
Julius Cæsar B.C. 55
Till Julius Cæsar in five-five
With his galleys did arrive. ”