Elizabeth F. Guptill

“ Frank—So do I. My teacher kept me after school because I couldn’t answer every question in my geography lesson. Why don’t she answer some of them? We scholars have to do all the work, and the teacher just listens and watches for something to find fault with, all the time.
Alice—I know. Why don’t they let us ask the questions? It would be much the best way, I’m sure. And rules. I’m so sick of rules. You mustn’t do this and you mustn’t do that, and if you do, some one will punish you. I’d like to live where there weren’t any rules at all, and where children were the biggest for a spell. ”

“ Frank—Ladies first, always.
Alice—There, that’s it, exactly. That “always.” Why should a thing always be just the same? You must always say “ladies first,” and both of us must offer each other the biggest piece, when we want it ourselves, and always mind what the grown-ups say, and shut the door, and a whole lot of nonsense. Why shouldn’t the grown-ups mind us part of the time? ”

“ Teacher—There’s no such place.
Frank—There is, too. It’s in the United States of America.
Teacher—There’s no such place as that, either.
Alice—Why, everyone knows the United States, all over the earth.
Spankety Man—Did you come from the earth?
Frank—Of course. Did you think we came from Mars?
Teacher—No, for this is Mars. But it isn’t fair to ask me questions about the Earth. All our most learned men have been able to discover about the earth is that it is a very slow-moving, dull star which turns on itself once every month or two, and takes about a century to get around the sun. ”

“ Here is a new Christmas play for the older children and as many young children as are available. It combines in a marked degree the gentlest pathos and the most sparkling humor. Several nationalities are represented in the tenement and there is opportunity for the introduction of specialties if desired. Circumstances cause Elsie, the tenement orphan, to believe Jimmy, the newsboy, will buy her a Christmas present, and it seems it is up to Jimmy to do it. Christmas is an unknown quantity at the tenement, but all agree that Elsie must not be disappointed, and plan to have one somehow. ”

“ Frank—So I see. Well, perhaps it is where we wanted to be. At any rate, Fairy Tinkle Bell brought us here, when we were trying to find a place in the geography.
Ecila—I never heard of that place.
Frank—I never named any place. How do you know you never heard of it?
Ecila—Why, yes you did, too. You told the country you were journeying in, to find some town. I heard you. ”

“ Frank—All right, let’s. (They sit down on floor, and open geography, turning the leaves slowly.)
Alice—Oh dear. I can’t read half fast enough. It would take most a year to read all that, and two more years to study all the maps. Let’s go ask one of the High School boys or girls. They’ve learned it all.
Frank—No, let’s don’t. They’d only laugh at us. The big ones always do. Let’s go look for it ourselves. We’ll have adventures on the way, most likely, and it will be great sport. ”

“ Alice—We can play with each other’s things. (holds out hand for doll.)
Ecila— (catching her hand back) You mustn’t. No one can touch another’s Christmas presents. If they do, they’ll get caught by the Wincheopactylus, and eaten for his Christmas dinner.
Frank—Well, of all the mean Christmases! That gun and engine are dandy, if only I had ’em, though! (Looks at Knarf, who is counting over his stones.) What are those good for?
Knarf—Why, they’re kites.
Frank—Kites. We call ’em rocks, or stones. You can’t fly them, I know. ”

“ Only good Margs ought to have candy. Naughty Margs don’t deserve any.
Marg—I’d give you some, Girl, but it’s all gone. Are you cross to your Marg? Do you always make her mind quick?
Frank—Of course not. Our dear Gram does as she pleases, and we all try to please her.
Marg—Why, how nice! Is she as tall as I am?
Ecila—She’s as tall as Knarf.
Marg—And a Marg! How very strange!
Knarf—Don’t talk so much, Marg. Grown-ups should be seen and not heard.
12 Derf—It’s Fiday, it’s Fiday. Here comes the Spankety Man! (Dad and Mom look wildly around. Marg hides behind Alice.) ”

“ MY OWN AMERICA, I LOVE THEE. A song that will bring a thrill of patriotism to the heart of every one who hears it. The children and grown-ups just can’t resist the catchy music. It makes a capital marching song. ”

“ Ecila puts scissors into her hair, for an ornament, and sits down on the pincushion, beginning to eat her orange. Knarf ties the necktie on his ankle, knots the handkerchief into a cap, and munches his candy.)
Clanty—
Now, Earth children, knock on the box. No fear
But there’ll be something you like, in here.
(Frank and Alice repeat the formula. Alice gets an engine and an air-gun, and Frank a doll and a wide pink ribbon. Both get the inevitable orange and candy.)
Both—Thank you, Santa Claus. But we may exchange presents, mayn’t we?
Clanty—
No change is allowed. ”

“ Gother Moose—Certainly she could. They were just under the top of the hill, behind a very small tree. Po Beeb and the Spankety Man walked after them, and they all came right back. They had gone for a drink of water.
Alice—So they all came home, wagging their tails behind them.
18 Gother Moose—Certainly not. They did not come home, they went home, and they had no tails at all. Cats never have any tails. And no animal in Topsy-Turvy Land, except the terrible Wincheopactylus, ever wears its tail behind it. It always dangles gracefully forward over the left shoulder. ”

“ If the green stockings are not easily had, color white ones. Each carries a long green ribbon, strung with tiny bells.
Clanty Sauce should be the tallest, thinnest boy obtainable, dressed in some striped material, the stripes, running up and down. The trousers are close-fitting, and reach the ankle. The tunic reaches a little below the waist, and is belted in, high under the arms. He wears a tall hat, very tall and small around, covered with the striped material.
SETTING.
There should be an inner curtain which shuts off most of the stage. ”

“ Derf—Hackey Jorner.
Gother Moose—Hackey Jorner was a very little boy, no bigger than Derf. One time he sat down in the middle of the room, where the sides came together, and put his foot into the oven, which was very cold. He pulled out a very small pie, all piping hot, and held it neatly on his knuckles. Then with his fingers on the other hand, he began to eat it. He took a bite, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then—
Frank—Oh, go on! Never mind so many bites. ”

“ But I must hurry on, to tell the Christmas stories to other Topsy Turvy children. Badgye. Watch for Clanty Sauce.
Knarf and Ecila—We will.
Derf—Yes, us will.
Alice—Clanty Sauce! Oh, Frank, perhaps he’s our own dear Santa Claus, and will take us home.
Frank—You can’t catch Santa Claus. Haven’t we tried, lots of times and did we catch even a glimpse of him?
Ecila—What a shame! So you never got any presents?
Alice—Of course we did. But— (start as Greenies come tumbling in) what are these?
Derf—The Greenies! The Greenies!
Greenies—
The Greenies are we. ”

“ If this inner curtain can have on it any common outdoor scene, so much the better. The first part of the play is enacted before this inner curtain. When the curtain rises, which it should do as swiftly and5 silently as possible, it discloses Topsy Turvy Land—an outdoor scene. Small trees should be placed at the back. Plant the top branches—the ones in the center, firmly in pots or pails of earth, and have stems and roots upward. ”

“ Tie one or two up on the side, with a blue ribbon. He has short socks, and knickers of material to match his dress, that end above the knee. The dress may be a kilted skirt and a sailor or middy blouse of white, with blue trimmings. A sash, with tassels, passes round his waist, and knots at one side. The big sailor collar should be in front, instead of behind.
The Teacher wears a cap and gown, like those of graduates, wrong side to. He may have glasses.
The Spankety Man is dressed in a dark red cambric garment, with tight-fitting waist and trousers, in one. ”

“ When at last they have a Topsy Turvy Christmas, they are ready to go home and be satisfied with things just as they are. May be given in any school-room by any number of children not less than fifteen. ”

“ Alice—A girl of ten } Knarf—A Topsy Turvy boy; really a boy of fourteen or fifteen. Ecila—His sister; a girl somewhat taller. Derf—Their little brother; the tallest boy obtainable. Mom—Their mother; a girl of nine or ten. Dad—Their father; a boy of seven or eight. Marg—Their grandmother; the smallest girl who can learn the part. The Spankety Man—A boy of ten or twelve. The Teacher—A boy of ten or twelve. Clanty Sauce—A very tall, thin boy. Gother Moose—A short, fat girl, of seven or eight. Fairy—A tiny girl. Greenies—Any number of small girls. Two will do, but four are better. ”

“ Easy to produce. Costumes simple. Children and grown-ups will be delighted with CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER. Price, 15 cents.
A TOPSY TURVY CHRISTMAS. Another new Christmas play by Elizabeth F. Guptill. It is decidedly humorous from start to finish. The characters are strong and at every turn of the play there is a happy surprise for the audience. The children are tired of “minding,” and everything being “just so,” so they start to find a place where they will find things different. ”