Elizabeth F. Guptill

“ Music teacher! He doesn’t teach a bit of music!
Knarf—Why, manners and dancing and whistling are music.
Alice—They are not! The only thing the least bit like music that I’ve heard since I came here is that measly little song the Spankety Man sings every Friday.
Ecila—That isn’t music! That queer noise he makes! And all the Moms know loora-laddy. I should think you’d call that music.
Alice—Well, I don’t. And I don’t even know what time of year it is. Your days and nights are so mixed up that one can’t keep track of them at all. We shan’t even know when the Christmas holidays come. ”

“ Bo Peep. I think so, too. He’s a naughty boy! To tease some one is his great joy. He should be spanked and put to bed!
Old Woman. Yes, that is what I’ve always said.
(Boy Blue runs in, tooting horn.)
Boy Blue. Has any one seen my cows to-day? While I was asleep, they ran away. Which one of you let down the meadow bars?
Bo Peep. That bad Willie Winkie.
Mother Hubbard. Oh, my stars! What will he do next, the mischievous child? Was ever a young one so naughty and wild?
Boy Blue. Did you let those bars down, Willie Wink? Then you may hunt up the cows, I think. ”

“ MY OWN AMERICA, I LOVE THEE. A song that will bring a thrill of patriotism to the heart of every one who hears it. The children and grown-ups just can’t resist the catchy music. It makes a capital marching song. ”

“ Knarf—Well, of course it is too bad that you haven’t any grown-ups to make mind.
Alice—I don’t want to make anyone mind. I want my own dear mother and father and grandma, too. I’d be glad to mind them, if I could only get a chance.
16 Ecila—If you could only find the Fairy who brought you here—
Frank—Well, we can’t. We’ve hunted and hunted, but we never seem to get anywhere when we start out.
Knarf—Of course not. All roads lead to nowhere in Topsy Turvy Land. ”

“ Here is a new Christmas play for the older children and as many young children as are available. It combines in a marked degree the gentlest pathos and the most sparkling humor. Several nationalities are represented in the tenement and there is opportunity for the introduction of specialties if desired. Circumstances cause Elsie, the tenement orphan, to believe Jimmy, the newsboy, will buy her a Christmas present, and it seems it is up to Jimmy to do it. Christmas is an unknown quantity at the tenement, but all agree that Elsie must not be disappointed, and plan to have one somehow. ”

“ Effie (indignantly) . Kidlet yourself, Bettina Warren! Oh, Betty, you’ve got a badge, too! Do tell me what S. O. M. F. means. I’m dying to know!
Enter Lillian.
Lillian. Cheer up, Effie, we’ll all come to the wake.
Enter Maude and Beatrice, arms entwined.
Maude. To whose wake?
Beatrice. Are any of you girls going to commit suicide? If so, count me out. I positively decline.
Betty. It’s only my small sister here—no one that counts.
[5]
Effie. Don’t I? You may find out yet, Miss Bettina. You think you’re so grown-up!
Lillian. What you dying of, Effie? Unrequited affection for the butcher’s boy? ”

“ Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, Eating gombobble pie. Wee Willie Wink’s a cute one, we think, And so is our dear Simple Si.
(Bo Peep comes in, shading her eyes, and calling “Co’nanny, co’nanny!”)
Bo Peep. Mother, there’s wolves around here! I heard one howl, I did, And so did my sheep. They were scared to death, And all ran away and hid. [38] I’ve hunted and hunted, and called and called, And all I’ve found, alas! Is just their tails, spread out as if To bleach upon the grass. I fear the wolf has got them all! ”

“ There is no friend like an old friend and after all there are no songs we love quite so much as the old ones.
This cantata furnishes a beautiful medium for the introduction of the old songs which we all know and love. There is just enough libretto to the work to form a continuous chain of thought throughout, and we know of no cantata that will afford such a pleasing entertainment at such a small expenditure of labor. ”

“ Bert. Oh, she did? Well, I don’t know how you came to know of it, but if Eloise wants to marry a man twice her age because he has a little money, she’s welcome, for all me. I—I congratulate you, Uncle Bertram.
Uncle B. Good grit, boy, though it isn’t true, one bit of it.
Bobby. What isn’t? Aren’t you going to be married?
Uncle B. I certainly am, and so is Eloise, I fancy; but not together. I’m to marry Miss Ellen Colwell, my boy.
Mrs. W. Ellen? After all these years?
Bert. Not Eloise? But the rose?
Evelyn. And how did Bert propose for you, when he didn’t know anything about it?
Helen. ”

“ GEORGIE PORGIE.
(Also, Cross Patch.)
[Play Music]
All. Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls, and made them cry. [18] When he kissed the bride—too bad! Hubby did get awful mad.
(Contrary Mary runs in, backward, turns around, runs up to Bachelor, and kisses him.)
Wife. Here! Stop that, you impertinent Miss! It isn’t the groom, it’s the bride they kiss. What a forward young snip!
Bachelor. Well, Wife, I vow I liked it.
Old Woman. The shoe’s on t’other foot, now.
Mary. I never do things the way other folks do. That’s the reason I kissed him instead of you. ”

“ Mrs. W. No, not for a month, Bertram. Bobby must be taught a lesson.
Bobby. All right, Mamma. I deserve it. But thank you, Uncle Bert. You’re a brick!
Uncle B. And now, little girlie, what do you want? A pony, too, or a big dolly?
Louise. I want to be the little flower girl.
Uncle B. So you shall, bless your heart! And Helen and Evelyn shall be bridesmaids.
Louise. And maybe Eloise’ll let me be hers. I’ll be two flower girls.
Evelyn. Two weddings! And one twenty years delayed! Well, I guess there’s something doing in this family, and all because of Bobby and the changed valentines! ”

“ Betty. I can play the scale, and “Tell Aunt Rhody,” and when I’m as big as you, I shall play all the notes. You can’t do much, can you? Is that why you’re a minister?
Bobby. No, it’s ’cause it’s an easy way to earn your living. Daddy said so. Just stand up in a pulpit and scold the people when they dassn’t talk back, and have some men pass round plates to get money for you. They don’t dare not to ’cause folks is looking. Once Daddy put in a five dollar gold piece by mistake, and he sweared about it when he got home. ”

“ Frank—So do I. My teacher kept me after school because I couldn’t answer every question in my geography lesson. Why don’t she answer some of them? We scholars have to do all the work, and the teacher just listens and watches for something to find fault with, all the time.
Alice—I know. Why don’t they let us ask the questions? It would be much the best way, I’m sure. And rules. I’m so sick of rules. You mustn’t do this and you mustn’t do that, and if you do, some one will punish you. I’d like to live where there weren’t any rules at all, and where children were the biggest for a spell. ”

“ Christmas entertainment. Add to the attractiveness of the minstrel show idea the distinction of having “His Royal Nibs” as Interlocutor, with equally unique personalities as End Men, endow them with a program flashing with fun, brilliant with beauty, enlivening with song and teeming with specialties, and you have a scream of delight from start to finish. The most novel novelty of the age. ”