Ethellyn Gardner

“ I am a pupil of the International Correspondence School of Scranton, Pa., in Complete Advertising, and am very much pleased with their course of instruction. It is plain, thorough, and meets every need of the student. I am sure it’s the “Open Sesame” to a successful business life if one is in earnest and willing to study. Study is the only password to success. This school is a mighty ally with one when willing to work to reach the very top of the tree of knowledge, and have a part in the world of successful men and women. ”

“ He’s the dearest man on earth—except Levey Cohen—he is next best. It would be an awfully bad thing if I didn’t marry Levey Cohen, after all, but I will; he’s the only right sort. I know others are good, but—he is goodiest of all. He always lets me have my own way and any girl likes that. My Pa thinks it’s just awful to put any money on a horse, but my Uncle Smith from Buffalo is a live wire, and he took me to a race at Readville this spring and he put a thousand, 10 to 1, on Bumshell, for me, and a thousand dollars for himself. ”

“ I had a fine spin in my automobile to-day. I go out every day generally with Pa, unless he wants to have his band along, then I go by myself. Pa says we’ll go to the Empire Races later on—I hope so, it’s great sport to see a good live race between fine-built autos. Makes one feel one’s a live wire, to keep up. Levey Cohen has a new machine, a Sparklet. It’s a new make, but Pa says it’s the real goods. Ma says Pa always thinks Levey is all right and so he is, bless his dear heart. ”

“ The prizes in life are only for those that work for them, and I am heartily in the race, and advise earnestly any one wishing to gain knowledge and position, to come with us. Your highest ambition can be attained if you will only work, and the teachers of this school will show you how and aid you in your desire to better yourself, and the world, by your work. ”

“ Then Levey Cohen comes next to the Franklin car manager. If you want a good car that can pick up her feet and fly on the road, you get a Franklin, and you will find that the finest car made is the Franklin. I am in love with my car. Pa says I know a whole lot for my age, almost as much as a boy. I am glad I am a girl, boys are horrid sometimes; they don’t like to spend all their money to buy chocolates for the girls. Ma says Pa sent her a five-pound box every Sunday. Pa says nearly all boys are good for is to play ball, and smash windows, and cry, if they have to pay for them. ”

“ I guess the man I read about in the automobile magazine that never swears under any condition has been married twice. Pa says two 12 marriages will smooth out a man’s disposition as nice as a hot iron will a shirt-bosom. They asked Pa to run for Governor of New York State; said he could govern anything, but Pa is very modest. He said his wife didn’t like society and he considered her happiness first; said all men should. Pa knows which side his bread is buttered on, Ma has all the money I I sang that song one night called “Everybody Works but Father,” and Pa nearly lost his temper. ”

“ Isn’t life a queer problem? My, I wonder what it all means! Sometimes it seems like a continuous vaudeville show, then it changes and becomes serious, clouds and tears, and, oh, dear, I don’t understand it at all. I will 13 try to be a good girl, but being a real Sunday girl isn’t any fun. I think I am a little related to Buster Brown, anyway, I would like to have his dog. Levey Cohen said he would get him for me, but I thought Buster would be lonesome, and I have my Pa, and automobile. Why is it that girls like their Pas so much? ”

“ Ma says two marriages ought to change any man from a Democrat to a Republican, but it hasn’t worked on Pa’s constitution yet. Harvard is just a dear, so many really handsome men, and fine fellows. Lots of them have automobiles and they make them hum. They say it’s lots more fun driving a car above the speed limit and being chased by a policeman than it is to steal barber poles and store signs; they all have drop numbers on their cars, so no one has ever been caught yet. I have one on my Franklin. ”

“ Pa is great on advertising business of all sorts, he has helped many a firm out on ads to sell and display goods. Pa has his own ideas, and when he has sold them they have 25 come high, but the one that followed them got a big pile of dough. Pa says the business man to-day must spend money to make money, and the one who places the best and most judicious advertising gets the most business. Pa says even a business that’s no good can be made good by advertising. Advertising makes people think—some think right, some wrong, some look and wonder. ”

“ Pa says slang forms too great a part of the present-day conversation, but I don’t think I am any joke, only I know my Pa knows all that is worth knowing. My Pa is a very wise man for his years—he’s been married twice, and he says two marriages will either make or break a man, depends on his disposition. Pa says he made a mess of his first marriage, but the second one was good. I belong to the second house. Pa says a man who is married twice can learn to manage the worst kind of an automobile. He says none of them could have more kinks than some women, and do such unexpected stunts. ”

“ She says it’s sad, but Pa gets a fit of the giggles just like a girl and Levey Cohen and I have our hands full to keep Ma pleasant, for she thinks Pa is making fun of that poor wandering boy, when in reality Pa’s only giving thanks in a vocal way of his scalp and pocketbook being saved by his wonderful invention of a band. We have a fine burglar-alarm, Pa made it. It’s a cracker jack, I tell you what. When it is set, woe be to the one who tries to rob our house, he won’t try only once. A stranger is sure to bump into a wire, but they are very small, yet they work wonders ”

“ Pa says that’s the biggest fish story he ever heard, so does Levey Cohen, and Pa says he has been on exhibition ever since, as a good catch. Ma says Pa is the only man she ever could love, so I am glad she married him. We are all very happy and have such jolly times, all the time. It’s a picnic for four all the time. When Uncle Smith and Levey Cohen is here I have heaps of friends that we see once in awhile, but I am too much taken up with my dear Pa to be much away from him. ”

“ He said it took a live fish to go up stream and the Franklin car was it. I never saw a boy so crazy before. He said he would like to see the maker of the Franklin car President of the United States, but I told him I guessed he would rather turn out fast cars than to be president of anything but his own company. There’s only one President ever got rich while sitting in the Presidential chair and he ought to have been in better business, Pa says. Jimmy says we have a bully President now, and I guess that’s right, anyway, Pa and Levey Cohen say so, and they know. ”

“ Jimmy ran for Pa and we all went out to see the wonder—which was a wonder. A note was found written in French, saying the Ball and Jewels were from the Planet Jupiter; that the people were men very like us, only they were all golden blonds, both men and women, and that they all spoke the French language; that they had had automobiles and air ships for over five thousand years, and that their best speeder was the Franklin touring car; said the roads were smooth and level, and that they were just natural; that they had been watching this world for a long time, and said we were getting on ”

“ Now, little book, I am going on a trip to Europe and this is my last letter till we come back in October. Pa and Levey Cohen have become personally interested in the queerest boy I ever saw. He is fourteen years of age, and a newsboy, from New York City, and Coney Island. He has bright gleaming red hair, large brown eyes, more freckles than Dr. Woodbridge could ever count, and two front teeth knocked down his throat in a fight in which he says, for once, he got licked by a Chink, which hurts his feelings more than the lickin’. ”

“ I went in and telephoned for the manager to come for me—he came in another car and towed me home. I don’t like that. I told Pa I hoped that car wouldn’t lose its breath again, and now in four weeks she has done fine.
I can’t write always every day. I write a whole lot when I feel like it, then I don’t think of it again for weeks. Pa says he nearly died laughing reading the diary Ma made. I shall give my diary to Levey Cohen when we are married—I suppose I shall have to marry him some day, just to prove to him that I don’t like him any too well. ”

“ Now when the old man saw the old Buck make a dive for Esau Buck, miss Esau, hit the seesaw, and knock Esau over the sawbuck, by the seesaw, he picked up the ax to kill the old Buck, but the old Buck saw him coming, dodged the blow, knocked the old man on to Esau Buck, who fell on the Buck-saw, over the sawbuck by the seesaw. Now, when the old Buck saw Esau Buck knock the old man over the sawbuck, by the seesaw, and break the Buck-saw and the sawbuck, and the seesaw, he went into the garden and ate up the old man’s cabbage.” You should have heard that crowd cheer that kid ”

“ I don’t see how I can be a tomboy when I am a girl, but Pa says that there are lots of things you don’t learn in school. I like school pretty well, but like most girls, I am more fond of vacations. In vacation, in summer, we go to grandpa’s in the country, out in Pennsylvania. ”

“ Pa says he will let Jimmy learn to drive his automobile—thinks he can learn in time, all but his slang. I never heard such a string of slang in all my life. The other day he was telling the gardener about his summer at Coney 65 Island; I heard a part of what he said: “Yes, Coney Island is de place where all de swells go to dat tink they are swells. Hully gee! all that is swell about them is their heads. They are, all told, a rummy lot. Lots of times they steal a paper or a shoe shine. ”

“ A man with the hoe who is too lazy to work, so arrests every man he sees in an automobile.
Pa says these are all for now.
E.
8LETTER II
Well, what do you think! I have been to Atlantic City for the Automobile races. Had I been older Pa says I could have entered my Franklin car for the race, but he said “no use for a girl to try,” so I just looked on. I fell in love with Miss Rogers, she is a smart woman, a real thoroughbred, Pa says. Ma don’t dare to drive a car; she is a ’fraid-cat, won’t even shoot the shoots at Coney Island. Why, they don’t make anything I wouldn’t try! ”

“ Pa is a big man so he can do anything he likes.
We all went fishing out in a catboat and I love that sport. I caught 10 fish all 32 myself, except Levey Cohen baited my hook and took off the fish. I don’t like to do that part. Pa got more than I did, and bigger ones, too, one weighed 20 pounds—it was a cod. I got small fish, mostly, for I didn’t think I could handle a big one, so I told the little fishes to bite my hook and for all the big ones to go to Pa’s side, and they did. Ma don’t fish, she says she never went but once and that’s when she caught Pa. ”

“ Pa says there is only one sure way to get rich quick, and that is to marry a rich woman, any other way is a snare and delusion. Pa knows by experience that this is true, so he gives his knowledge free to save others from expensive experiences. Pa says that women should be very careful about getting married to strangers that can’t really account for their silver and their business. ”

“ I can’t git old but a year at a leap, and any furreigner can be natural and made a American sitizen here just before each election and vote. Some of dem get to be new natural Americans every voting time, so I will stick to de automobile and de papers, for my daily grub. ”

“ I have related these facts as well as one could expect of a girl fourteen years of age; anything one may wish to know more about, my Pa can tell them, he’s a very learned and wise man, and he says he fully understands all about the attraction of the money to that machine—but I am sure I don’t and Levey Cohen says he don’t see any sense in it at all, and so I don’t feel so awfully 46 alone in not understanding all such high science. Pa is way up in science. ”

“ Pa says the ice man would be as much of a gentleman as an actor, if he had the free advertising that some of them get. I like actors because they can be anything they like from a beggar to a king, and all they do is to put on different clothes. ”

“ If you want to see the ugliest woman on earth go to Lowell, Mass., she’s there. I saw some fine automobiles in Bangor and Portland. The people down there are all up-to-date; they know a good thing when they see it advertised. Pa says you can’t do anything, these days, in business, if you don’t advertise. ”

“ Uncle Smith is coming soon and I expect when he sees the boy Jimmy—well, Uncle Smith will say words I won’t write. I can hear that Jimmy talking yet with the gardener, that is, Jimmy is talking and the gardener just listening. I will put down what I can hear: “Say, Harvard College is a swell place I guess. I have read in de papers dis mornin’ dat dey want twenty million dollars to make de place solid. Gee whiz! what do dey do wid all de money dey gets? I know a lot of 69 dem Harvard fellows; in New York dey always gives a fellow a few extra pennies and dinner, on holidays. ”

“ The other day, Kep Elbert, that’s my beau, was goin’ to go fishing on Soap Creek, and he said I could go long too, if I would be real good, and not scare the fishes, so we got up dest as early. Kep thinks an awful lot of me, so he does, he let me dig all the fish worms. I got mamma’s milking-pail half-full of ’em—it’s lots of fun to dig fish worms. I heard the old milkman coming and I had to run like everything and put the pail back quick, ’cause he might ask Bridget for a pan and then she wouldn’t let us go fishing. ”

“ I couldn’t in the world ever love 55 any one else but you,’ and then he gave her a great big kiss, and she never said quit that, or nothing, an’ I jumped right out and said, ‘That’s a great big fib, ’cause I saw you taking another girl out riding on Soap Creek, so I did,’ and he said, ‘You rattlesnake, where do you spect to go for tellin’ such great, big fibs, what ain’t so,’ and I said, ‘I don’t expect to go to no place where you are, you old smart crank. ”

“ Pa took Jimmy to Dr. Atwood on Boylston Street to have two teeth put in on a bridge. Jimmy didn’t like the process, but he stood it fine; the gardener says he’s a brave boy. Anyway, he looks better with the teeth in. Before he looked for all the world like that yellow kid boy I saw when I was a very little girl, that was before Buster Brown appeared in the Sunday papers. ”