G. A. Birmingham

“ I began.
"No, I don't," said the Colonel. "There is no greater mistake than thinking. I collect facts. Once the facts are before us they will do their own thinking."
"Of course they will; but still——"
The Colonel waved his hand at me and said that he knew a great deal more about the criminal classes than I did. This was true. I had never been really intimate with a criminal. I at once gave up my attempt to argue.
"I called at the post-office," the Colonel went on, "and discovered that the ink used there is not Stephen's Blue-Black Ink, the kind with which the envelope was addressed. ”

“ Then my conscience smote me. I had taken that letter to the village on Monday afternoon in my pocket, and had forgotten to post it. It was addressed to Messrs. Jones, Wilkinson & Co., who are chiefly grocers, though they also sell wine. We deal with them for tea, sugar, soap, and all sorts of other things which can be had cheaper and better in London. Letters are continually going to them from my wife, and I had no idea that this one contained anything so important as an order for champagne. ”

“ Fulkington, who probably expected the Colonel's visit quite as little as my wife did, said that we must spare an evening and bring him over to dine with them. My wife promised to do this, feeling quite safe because the Colonel had never shown the slightest wish to come near us. I do not blame him for this. We are not well off, and we live a very retired life in a village which would strike him as particularly dull. ”

“ They are, after all, the most presentable people in the neighbourhood. Mrs. Fulkington replied, accepting the invitation, and proposing that we and the Colonel should dine with her on Thursday. Then we settled down to the work of preparation. Most of it fell to my wife's share, for I am singularly useless in a domestic crisis, and I find that my help has an irritating effect on the other workers. ”

“ They are inclined to pride themselves on their social position and to be very exclusive. It is good for them to be made to understand that we are quite as well connected as they are. When the Colonel won his D.S.O., young Fulkington, who is quite as snobbish as his wife, was visibly impressed. When, a little later on, the Colonel was appointed chief of the South Australian police force, my wife went over to the Fulkingtons' house on purpose to tell them the news. ”

“ I suppose she'll give us the usual month's notice."
"George Crab," said the Colonel, "is the assistant in the local post-office. Will you be so good as to allow me to see a specimen of Annie Long's handwriting?"
This request not unnaturally irritated Fulkington; he said he had never seen Annie Long's handwriting in his life, and did not want to. I tried to soothe him.
"The Colonel," I said, "doesn't mean to suggest that you are carrying on a clandestine correspondence with your own housemaid behind the backs of George Crab and Mrs. Fulkington. He knows you're not that kind of man. ”

“ Jones and Wilkinson both lived in London; so, I presume, does the company associated with them. London is one hundred and fifty miles away from us. Jones & Wilkinson would therefore suffer very little from my wife's anger. I should suffer a great deal. It was better for them to bear the blame. Besides, I did post the letter—on Tuesday morning.
"There'll be nothing to drink at dinner," she said. I felt the difficulty and did my best to minimize it.
"There's whiskey," I said, "and sherry. Fulkington drinks whiskey, I know. You and Mrs. Fulkington can manage with the sherry." ”

“ I posted it myself on Tuesday afternoon. The fact is," Fulkington went on, addressing me, "that when we knew the Colonel was to dine here to-night we wrote to Jones & Wilkinson to send down some champagne. By the way, they sent the wrong brand, and six bottles instead of three."
The Colonel is a determined man. He was not prepared to allow the structure he had reared with such pains to crumble before his eyes.
"You'll find," he said, "that I'm right. How else are we to explain the changed envelope of the other letter?" ”

“ By way of emphasizing the relationship, she said that dear old Gilbert intended to pay us a short visit before sailing for Australia. He wanted, she said, to have a long talk about old times. She added that the Fulkingtons must dine with us to meet him when he came. Mrs. ”