George Barr McCutcheon

“ Loop himself proclaimed, there wasn't “a robuster woman in Bramble County;” she was exceedingly sound of lung, and equally sound of limb. What pleased him more than anything else, she was a Swede. He had always heard that the Swedish women were the most frugal, the most industrious, and a shade more amenable to male authority than any others.
Anna was a towering, rather overdeveloped female. She revealed such astonishing propensities for work that she had been a bride but little more than a week when Eliphalet decided that he could dispense with the services of a hired man. ”

“ BEING a man of action, Mr. Crow began operations at once. He went home and for nearly an hour worked over the list of subscribers to the fund, aided by his wife and daughters. Among them they separated the wheat from the chaff. At least twenty per cent of the contributors were set aside in a separate group and labeled “no good.” Ten per cent. were designated as “fairly good,” and the remainder as “good.” It must not be assumed that the division had anything to do with the Loop mystery. Mr. Crow was merely figuring out who would pay and who would not. ”

“ It is a moral certainty that all of us can't be the individual in Mr. Loop's woodpile, but it is also more or less an immoral certainty that Mrs. Loop obstinately refuses to vindicate an overwhelming majority of the citizens of this town.
“The situation is intolerable. We are in a painful state of perplexity. One of us, gentlemen, appears to be a Lothario. ”

“ Nothing could give me more pleasure than the feeling that my parishioners trusted me sufficiently to take me to their hearts and say: 'He is one of us.' I should consider myself very badly treated if they were to leave me out of the case. Come—join me. Let us get all we can out of a most delicate situation. ”

“ Anna was as good a woman as I ever had, Andy Crow, an' I don't know as I ever had a better worker around the place. Fer two years she—”
He choked up and began to sniffle.
“There aint no denyin' the fact she lasted longer'n any of 'em,” agreed Anderson. “I don't just exactly remember how many funerals you've had, Liff, but—say, just out o' curiosity, how many have you had? Me an' Mrs. Crow had a dispute about it last evenin'.”
“It's cost me a lot o' money, Anderson, a turrible lot o' money,” groaned Eliphalet, “what with doctors' bills an' coffins; an' nothin'—absolutely nothin'—to show fer it! ”

“ Husbands who had been in the habit of loafing around the village stores for a couple of hours after supper, winter and summer, now felt constrained to remain later than usual for fear that evil-minded persons outstaying them might question the statement that they were going home; and many a wife who was seldom awake after nine stayed up until the man of the house was safely inside, where she could look at him with an intentness so strange that he began to develop a ferocious hatred for Mrs. Loop.
The town marshal, Anderson Crow, encountering the lugubrious Eliphalet in front of Dr. ”

“ No children, no—nothin' but mother-in-laws an' tombstones. By gosh, why is it mother-in-laws last so long? I've got five mother-in-laws livin' this minute, an' the good Lord knows I never done anything to encourage 'em. I've lost four wives an' not a single mother-in-law. It don't seem right—now, does it, Anderson?”
“Well, if you'd married somebody nearer your own age, Liff, you might stand some chance of outlivin' their mothers. But you been marryin' women anywheres from fifty to sixty years younger'n you are. You must be derned near eighty.” ”

“ Anderson interrupted him sternly. “You owe it to your feller-citizens to clear up this mystery. You surely don't think it is fair to your friends, do you, 'Liphalet Loop? Purty nigh every man in town is bein' suspicioned, an'—”
“That aint any business o' mine,” snapped Eliphalet, showing some ire. “If they feel as though the thing ought to be cleared up jest fer their sakes, why don't they git together an' offer a reward? I don't see why I ought to pay out money to 'stablish the innocence of all the men in Tinkletown. Let them do it if they feel that way about it. ”

“ Been sleepin' out there for the last three weeks.”
“”I'd like to see any woman drive me out of a comfortable bed!”
“I don't a bit mind sleepin' in the barn,” said Eliphalet in apology. “It's kind of a relief to get away from them women. Hosses can't talk. I don't know as I've ever slept as well as I have—”
“The point is,” broke in Anderson firmly, “this wife of yourn is causin' a great deal of misery in town, Liff. Somethin's got to be done about it.”
“I aint askin' anybody to share my misery with me,” said Mr. Loop with some asperity. ”

“ Prominent among them were the familiar emblems of the two detective associations to which he paid annual dues. Besides these, one could have made out the star of the town marshal, the shield of the fire chief, badges of the Grand Army of the Republic, Sons of Veterans, Sons of the Revolution, and the Tinkletown Battlefield Association.
Harry Squires, at the request of Mr. Crow, arose and stated the object of the meeting.
“Gentlemen,” he began, “the time has come for action. We have been patient long enough. ”

“ Loop. “But I sorter got into the habit of marryin' hired girls, figgerin' they make the best kind of wives. I give 'em a good home, plenty to eat an'—” His eyes roamed aloft, as if searching for some other beneficence, and finally lighting on Dr. Brown's door-plate, found something to clinch his argument. “An' as fine a funeral as any woman could ask fer!” he concluded.
“Let's git back to the main question,” said Anderson unfeelingly. He didn't have much use for Eliphalet. “What fer sort of lookin' feller is this man your wife's been carryin' on with?” ”

“ A small committee of citizens got together to-day, and acting upon the suggestion of our distinguished Marshal, decided to make a determined effort to restore peace and confidence into the home of practically every gentleman in this community. ”

“ Most everybody I know wears a bigger hat than I do.”
“That makes it more difficult,” admitted Anderson. “Was it bought in Tinkletown or Boggs City?”
“It had a New York label stamped on the sweat-band.”
“Bring it down to my office, Liff, so's I c'n examine it carefully. Now, when did you next see this man?”
“'Bout two weeks after the second time—up in our cow-pasture. He was settin' beside Anna on some rails back of the corn-crib, an' he had his arm around her—or part way round, anyhow; she's a turrible thick woman. Been fattenin' up somethin' awful in the last two years. ”

“ Squires had announced that any man who voted in the negative would automatically convict himself, there wasn't a man present who failed to subscribe fifty cents toward the civic honor fund. It was found, on computation, that the total amount was $109.50. Marshal Crow at once increased his contribution to one dollar, declaring it would be mortifying to offer a reward of less than one hundred and ten dollars to any decent, self-respecting detective.
Messrs. January and Smith insisted on their rights as citizens to join in the movement. Mr. ”

“ Loop stubbornly. “I won't ask her ag'in. You wouldn't either, if you'd got a wallop over the head with a stove-lid like I did when I asked her the first time.” He removed his weather-worn straw hat. “See that? Doc Brown had to take seven stitches in it, an' he says if old Hawkins the undertaker had seen it first, I wouldn't have had to send for a doctor at all. You ask her yourself, if you're so blamed anxious to know. I seen her out in the back yard just 'fore I left. ”