George Barr McCutcheon

“ Ed Higgins, the feed-store man, was in charge of the fire-fighters, who were industriously throwing a single stream of water from the fire-cistern into the vast and towering conflagration It was like tossing a pint of water into the Atlantic Ocean.
“Got her under control?” roared Anderson, bristling up to Ed.
“Sure!” shouted Ed. “She's workin' beautiful. Just look at that stream. You—”
“I mean the fire,” bellowed Anderson.
“Oh, I thought you meant the engine. I don't think we'll have the fire under control till the derned warehouse is burned down. ”

“ So vociferous was the chorus put up by the other dogs that no one noticed the approach of an automobile, coming down the Boggs City pike. The car passed at full speed. Three dogs failed to get out of the way in time, and as a result, the list of casualties was increased to four, including Ed Higgins' previously mentioned black and tan.
The speeding car, a big one loaded with men, was a hundred yards away and going like the wind before the startled group regained its senses.
“There they go!” yelled Harry Squires.
“Exceedin' the speed limit, dog-gone 'em!” roared Anderson. ”

“ Where in thunder are you fellers goin' with that hose an' engine?”
The firemen were on a dead run.
“We're goin' a couple of hundred yards down the road, so's we wont be killed when that front wall caves in,” shouted Ed Higgins, without pausing. “Better come along, Anderson. She's beginning to bulge something awful.”
Anderson Crow arose to the occasion.
“Lively now!” he barked through the trumpet. “Get that hose and engine back to a safe place! Can't you see the wall's about ready to fall? Everybody fall back! Women and children first! Women first, remember!” ”

“ Crow were deposited at their front door by the colonel's automobile. The robbers, under heavy guard, remained in the camp, pending action on the part of the civic authorities. They were very much alive and kicking when Anderson left them, after a pompous harangue on the futility of crime in that neck of the woods.
“Yes sir, Colonel,” he said, turning to the camp commander, “a crook aint got any more chance than a snowball in—you know—when he tries to pull wool over my eyes. I've been ketchin' thieves an' bandits an' the Lord knows what-all fer forty years er more, an' so forth. ”

“ Fertile is here employed instead of futile, for never was there a more extensive crop of ideas raised by human agency.
“We can't do anything till we find out which way the derned rascals went, can we?” said Mr. Crow bitingly. “We got to find somebody that seen 'em start off in that automobile. We—”
“Stuff and nonsense!” cried Harry. “We've got to split up into parties and follow every road out of Tinkletown.”
“How in thunder do you expect me to lead five or six different posses?” demanded Anderson. ”

“ I resign this instant. I was a fool to let the women elect me—the women were worse fools for voting for me. That's what comes of letting women vote. We had a good, well-trained marshal—because that's what you are, Anderson. And—”
The door flew open. Alf Reesling burst into the room, followed by both of Anderson Crow's daughters.
“Come on, Anderson!” shouted Alf, gasping with excitement. “Good-even', Mrs. Crow. Howdy do! Hurry up, Ander—”
“We tried to keep him out, Ma,” broke in Caroline Crow, glaring at Alf. “We told him you were in bed, but he—”
Anderson was trotting along behind. ”

“ I'm a going to foller it straight to the Britton toll-road, and then I'm going to turn into that and head for Tinkletown. That's how I'm going to turn this plagued car around.”
“Well, of all the—why, geminently, Eva, it's—it's nigh onto nine mile. You shorely can't be such a fool as to—”
“I'm going to turn this car around if it takes twenty miles,” said she firmly.
There was another long, intense silence.
“I wonder if the boys have got that fire out yet?” mumbled Anderson. “Course, there aint no use worryin' about them robbers. They got away. ”

“ Half an hour later the valiant machine sneaked out of the narrow byway into the Britton pike and pointed its nose homeward.
“Let her out a little, Eva,” said Anderson, taking a long breath. “It's four mile to town, an'—”
“Oh, goodness!” squeaked the driver, giving the wheel a perilous twist. “Look! There comes a car behind us. Help! They'll run into us! They'll—”
“Pull off to the side of the road—no, this side! Gosh! Hurry up Eva. They're comin' like greased lightnin'! Look out! Not too far over! There's a ditch alongside—” ”

“ We got track o' them fellers, but if we got to set around out there till mornin' just because your ma's in bed, I—I—well, that's all I got to say.” He turned to Anderson for support, and catching the look in his eye, bawled: “No, I aint been drinkin', Anderson Crow! I'm as sober as a—”
“Get out of my bedroom this minute, Alf Reesling,” cried old Mrs. Crow. “I'll tell your wife how you're behavin' if you—”
“Go ahead an' tell her,” snorted Alf, goaded beyond endurance. “She aint had a good laugh since the time Anderson had his pocket picked up at Boggs City, fair-week. ”

“ An' what's more, I've got to repair the jail, and officially notify Deacon Rank he's had an accident to his car.”
Mrs. Crow had little to say until she was snugly in bed. Her husband was getting into his official garments.
“I think you're foolish to go out again Anderson,” she said. “It's not daylight yet. There wont be anybody around, this time of day, to listen to how you captured those robbers, and—”
“Don't you believe it,” said he. “I bet you fifty cents you are the only person in Tinkletown that's in bed at this minute. They're all afraid to go to be bed, an' you can't blame 'em. ”

“ He got out and cranked the car, grumbling all the while. As he got back in the seat beside her, he exploded:
“An' what's more, there's that soldiers' camp at Green Ridge. They wont be allowed to go through it without a pass. There must be a thousand men there. They're marchin' to some'eres in America, the feller told me this mornin' when he come in at Jackson's to get some smokin' terbaccer. Camp at Green Ridge fer two days, he says, an' then— Hey! Don't drive so blamed reckless, Eva! Can't you get her under control? Put on your brakes, woman! She'll—”
“Hush up, Anderson. ”

“ That will stop them. Let 'em smash it up if necessary. It isn't worth more than ten dollars.”
While a half-dozen men were dragging the car into position as a barricade, Mrs. Crow exclaimed to her husband:
“That old skinflint! He said it was cheap at fifty dollars. Thank goodness, I—”
But Anderson was hustling her out of the car. In the distance the headlights of the bandits' car burst into view as it swung around a bend in the road.
Soldiers everywhere! They seemed to have sprung out of the ground. On came the big car, thundering into the trap. ”

“ Some of the older ones—maliciously, he feared—impeded the progress of their protectors by neglecting to get out of the way in time, with the result that at least two men were severely bruised by falling over them—the case of Uncle Dad Simms being a particularly sad one. ”

“ If I'd been along with that posse, we'd had em sure by this time, but—oh, well, there aint no use cryin' over spilt milk.”
In due time they came to Fisher's lane. Mrs. Crow made a very sharp but triumphant turn, and the second leg of the course was before them. ”