George Barr McCutcheon

“ The news spread like wildfire the instant Mrs. Crow released it. Mrs. Crow's veracity was not a thing to be questioned.
When the returns were all in, Mrs. Crow was found to have received 573 votes (women included) , out of a total of 601 cast. Miss Stitzenberg held the German vote solid, including seven from her own sex who could afford to disregard the slander because they had been safely married in Germany long before coming to Tinkletown.
The day after the new marshal's induction into office Anderson appeared with his star glittering so brightly that it dazzled the eye. ”

“ He was planning to run on what was to be called the People's ticket. Ezra was an Anderson Crow republican. Tinkletown itself was largely republican. The democrats never had a chance to hold office except when there was a democratic president at Washington. Then one of them got the post-office, and almost immediately began to show signs of turning republican so that he could be reasonably certain of reappointment at the end of his four years.
Anderson Crow lay awake nights trying to evolve a plan by which Henry Wimpelmeyer's astonishing methods could be overcome. ”

“ Crow to assume the responsibilities of this here office, I am goin' to see to it that she stays home an' tends to her household duties. I am goin' to be deputy marshal durin' her term of office, without pay, ladies an' gentlemen, an' I am goin' to lift every bit o' the work off'n her shoulders. I believe in equal sufferin'. If she'll do the woman's share o' the work, I'll do the man's, an' nothin' could be fairer than that. Between us we'll give the city o' Tinkletown the best administration the office of marshal has ever had. ”

“ On the day of the Republican Convention, which was to be held in the town hall in the evening, Anderson went in despair and humility to Harry Squires, the reporter.
“Harry,” he said, “I been thinkin' it over. I can't run ag'in a woman. It goes ag'in the grain. If I beat her, I'd never be able to look anybody in the face, an' if she beats me—why, by gosh, I couldn't even look myself in the face. ”

“ Elections were held biennially. Every two years, in the spring, as provided by statute, the voters of Tinkletown—unless otherwise engaged—ambled up to the polling place in the rear of Hawkins's Undertaking Emporium and voted not only for Anderson Crow, but for a town clerk, a justice of the peace, and three selectmen. No one ever thought of voting for anyone except Mr. Crow. Once, and only once, was there an opposition candidate for the office of Town Marshal. It is on record that he did not receive a solitary vote. ”

“ If the time ever comes—an' it may, if they keep killin' us off over there—when the women have to run this here government, they'll find it's a man-sized job, an' that we took care of it mighty well up to the time we got all shot to pieces preservin' humanity, an' civilization, an' all the women an' children the Germans didn't git a chance to butcher because we wouldn't let 'em. Now, I'm ready any time to knuckle under to a man that's better'n I am. But I'm dog-goned if I'm willin' to admit that Minnie Stitzenberg's that man! Yes, sir, gentlemen, we men have got to stand together! ”

“ We can get along without three cheers for Tinkletown! To announce that the name of Anderson Crow is hereby withdrawn from the consideration of this convention for the—er—the nomination for Town Marshal. Mr. Crow positively declines to make the race. It is not necessary for me to dilate upon the manifold virtues and accomplishments of our distinguished marshal. His fame extends to the uttermost corners of the earth. ”

“ It was an offense to his dignity. The leaders of the People's Party made it quite plain that they did not consider him of sufficient importance to justify anything so dignified as masculine opposition! ”

“ There were exactly twenty-two eligible voters in town with German names, and seven of them professed to be Swiss the instant the United States went into the war.
Mr. Crow was making profound calculations on the back of an envelope when Alf Reesling, the town drunkard, came scuttling excitedly around the corner from the Banner office.
“Gee whiz!” gasped Alf, “I been lookin' all over fer you, Anderson.”
“Say, can't you see I'm busy? Now, I got to begin all over ag'in. ”

“ Anderson finally arose, drew himself to his full height, lifted his chin, and faced the group with something truly martial in his eye.
“Feller citizens,” he began solemnly, “the time has come for us men to stand together. We got to pertect our rights. We got to let the women know that they can't come between us. For the last million years we have been supportin' an' pertectin' and puttin' up with all sorts of women, an' we got to give 'em to understand that this is no time for them to git it into their heads they can support an' pertect us. ”

“ Alf Reesling's voice was heard in plaintive protest. He spoke to his elbow neighbor, but in a tone audible to everyone, far and near.
“I'll be dog-goned if I'll stand for that. It's an insult to every man here to say they are of the same sex. We give 'em the vote and, by gosh, they claim our sex. I——”
“Order!” commanded Marshal Crow. ”

“ Republicans and democrats voted for Anderson with persistent fidelity, and while there were notable contests for the other offices at nearly every election, no one bothered himself about the marshalship.
The regular election was drawing near. Marshal Crow was mildly concerned,—not about himself, but on account of the tremendous battle that was to be waged for the office of town clerk. Henry Wimpelmeyer, the proprietor of the tanyard, had come out for the office, and was spending money freely. ”

“ It's a case of woman ag'in woman, feller republicans, an' man ag'in man. All I got to say is that the best woman's bound to win. I almost forgot to say that if the voters o' Tinkletown don't jump at the chance to git a marshal an' a experienced deputy for the price o' one salary, it's because there's more derned fools in the town than I thought there was.”
Mr. Ed. Higgins sprang to his feet.
“I move, Mr. Chairman, that we make the nomination unanimous without a dissenting vote,” he cried out. ”

“ She might 'a' been sayin' somethin' ag'in the United States Government, fer all I knew.”
“Well, anyhow, she's going to get your scalp for it, if it's in woman's power to do it.”
“I'm ag'in any female citizen of this here town that subscribes to a German paper printed in New York City an' refuses to read the Banner,” declared Anderson loudly—and with all the astuteness of the experienced politician. “An' what's more,” pursued Anderson scornfully, “I'm ag'in that whole ticket. There's only one American on it, an' he was a democrat up to las' Sunday. ”

“ Besides, it's agin the law to nominate Minnie Stitzenberg.”
“I positively refuse to wear a star or carry a pistol,” said Mrs. Crow, when she was asked to run for marshal
“Why?” demanded Harry Squires.
“Ain't she a woman?”
“Certainly she is.”
“Well, ain't that ag'in the law? A woman ain't got no right to run for nothin',” said Anderson. “She ain't——”
“She ain't, eh? Didn't you walk up to the polls last fall and vote to give her the right?” demanded Harry. “Didn't every dog-goned man in this town except Bill Wynkoop vote for suffrage? Well, then, what are you kicking about? ”

“ We got a chance to get the best deputy marshal in the United States of America without it costin' us a red cent, an' besides that, we get the best cook in all Tinkletown for marshal. If there's anybody here, male or female, who c'n deny that Mrs. Crow is the best cook alive I'd like to hear him say so. ”

“ A half-dozen newly enfranchised women occupied front seats. Ed. Higgins confided to those nearest him that he felt as though he was in church, and Alf Reesling loudly advised the convention to be careful, as there were ladies present.
Mr. Hud Lamson, as usual, was the chairman of the “Convention.” No one else ever had a chance to be chairman for the reason that Hud did not insist upon having the honor thrust upon him. ”

“ My wife ain't here to-night to accept the honor you are goin' to heap on her, but I think I can safely promise she'll consent to make the race. She may kick like a bay steer at first, but when she sees it's her duty to run, you bet she'll do it! ”

“ I'm willin' to work, an' fight, an' die fer my wife an' my daughters, but I'm derned if I like the idee of them workin' an' fightin' ag'in me. I'm willin' the women should vote. But they oughtn't to run out an' vote ag'in the men the first chance they git. When this war's over an' there ain't no able-bodied men left to run things, then you bet the women will be derned glad we fixed things so's they won't never have to worry about goin' to war with the ding-blasted ravishers over in Germany. ”

“ Everybody, includin' the women, knows there's a great war goin' on over in Europe. Us men are fightin' that war. We're bleedin' an' dyin' an' bein' captured by the orneriest villains outside o' hell—as the feller says. I'm not sayin' the women ain't doin' their part, mind you. They're doin' noble, an' you couldn't git me to say a thing agin women as women. They're a derned sight better'n we are. That's jest the point. We got to keep em better'n we are, an' what's more to the point, we don't want 'em to find out they're better'n we are. ”

“ Clerk—Henry Wimpelmeyer Justice of the Peace—William Kiser Selectman, First District—Otto Schultz Selectman, Second District—Conrad Blank Selectman, Third District—Christopher Columbus Callahan Marshal—Minnie Stitzenberg A long silence followed the last syllable in Minnie's name, broken at last by Marshal Crow, who turned upon Harry Squires and demanded:
“What do you mean, Harry Squires, by belittlin' a woman's name in your paper like this? She c'n sue for libel. ”