Harry Graham

“ Your eyes may sparkle like a star, With friendship, that is dearer far Than any breath of praise; The which a lucky man possessing Can ask no higher human blessing.
And, though the "salt estranging sea" Be widely spread 'twixt you and me, We have what makes amends; And since I am so glad of you, Be glad of me a little, too, Because of being friends. And, if I earn your approbation, Accept my humble dedication. H. G.
Foreword
The Press may pass my Verses by With sentiments of indignation, And say, like Greeks of old, that I Corrupt the Youthful Generation ”

“ However rude grown-ups may be, But keep politely silent, tho' He brim with scathing repartee; For nothing is considered worse Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse.
He must not eat too much at meals, Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor; However vacuous he feels, He may not pass his plate for more; —Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache For further slabs of Christmas cake.
He is enjoined to choose his food From what is easy to digest; A choice which in itself is good, But never what he likes the best. (At times how madly he must wish For just one real unwholesome dish!) ”

“ My verses may indeed be few, But are they not, to quote the poet, "The sweetest things that ever grew Beside a human door"? I know it. (What an inhuman door would be, Enquire of Wordsworth, please, not me.)
'Twas one of my most cherished dreams To write a Moral Book some day; What says the Bard? "The best laid schemes Of Mice and Men gang aft agley!" (The Bard here mentioned, by the bye, Is Robbie Burns, of course—not I.)
And tho' my pen records each thought As swift as the phonetic Pitman, Morality is not my "forte," O Camarados! ”

“ The Wicked flourish like the bay, At Cards or Love they always win, Good Fortune dogs their steps all day, They fatten while the Good grow thin. The Righteous Man has much to bear; The Bad becomes a Bullionaire!
For, though he be the greatest sham, Luck favours him his whole life through; At "Bridge" he always makes a Slam After declaring "Sans atout"; With ev'ry deal his fate has planned A hundred Aces in his hand. ”

“ Yet, what's a spanking to the fun Of leaving vital things Undone?
If he's notoriously bad, But for a day should change his ways, His parents will be all so glad, They'll shower him with gifts and praise! (It pays a connoisseur in crimes To be a perfect saint at times.)
Of course there always lies the chance That he is charged with being ill, And all his innocent romance Is ruined by a rhubarb pill. (Alas! 'Tis not alone the Good That are so much misunderstood.) ”

“ Be Virtuous and Life will pass Like one long term of Sunday-School. (No prospect, truly, could one find More unalluring to the mind.)
You may imagine that it pays To practise Goodness. Not a bit! You cease receiving any praise When people have got used to it; 'Tis generally understood You find it easy to be good.
The Model Child has got to keep His fingers and his garments white; In church he may not go to sleep, Nor ask to stop up late at night. In fact he must not ever do A single thing he wishes to. ”

“ Believe me that, howe'er well meant, A Good Resolve is always brief; Don't let your precious hours be spent In turning over a new leaf. Such leaves, like Nature's, soon decay, And then are only in the way. ”

“ You can give a bad name to a Dog, And hang him by way of excuse; Whereas Hunger, of course, Is by far the Best Sauce For the Gander as well as the Goose. (But you shouldn't judge anyone just by his looks, For a Surfeit of Broth ruins too many Cooks.) ”

“ "It is Never Too Late to Mend."
Since it can never be too late To change your life, or else renew it, Let the unpleasant process wait Until you are compelled to do it. The State provides (and gratis too) Establishments for such as you.
Remember this, and pluck up heart, That, be you publican or parson, Your ev'ry art must have a start, From petty larceny to arson; And even in the burglar's trade, The cracksman is not born, but made.
So, if in your career of crime, You fail to carry out some "coup", Then try again a second time, And yet again, until you do; ”

“ Half a loafer is never well-bred, And Self-Praise is a Dangerous Thing. And the Mice are at play When the Cat is away, For a moment, inspecting a King. (Tho' if Care kills a Cat, as the Proverbs declare, It is right to suppose that the King will take care.)
Don't Halloo till you're out of the Wood, When a Stitch in Good Time will save nine, While a Bird in the Hand Is worth Two, understand, In the Bush that Needs no Good Wine. (Tho' the two, if they Can sing but Won't, have been known, By an accurate aim to be killed with one Stone.) ”

“ There are just as Good Fish To be found on a Dish As you ever could catch in the Sea. (You should Look ere you Leap on a Weasel Asleep, And I've also remarked That Still Daughters Run Cheap.)
The much trodden-on Lane will Turn, And a Friend is in Need of a Friend; But the Wisest of Saws, Like the Camel's Last Straws, Or the Longest of Worms, have an end. So, before out of Patience a Virtue you make, A decisive farewell of these maxims we'll take. Envoi. "Don't Look a Gifthorse in the Mouth"
I knew a man, who lived down South ”

“ It is only the Fool who remarks That there Can't be a Fire without Smoke; Has he never yet learned How the gas can be turned On the best incombustible coke? (Would you value a man by the checks on his suits, And forget "que c'est le premier passbook qui Coutts?") ”

“ The Moral of The Pigs and Pokes Is not to make your choice too quick. In purchasing a Book of Jokes, Pray poke around and take your pick. Who knows how rich a mental meal The covers of this book conceal? "Learn to Take Things Easily." ”